Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Forgiveness

'The hatred you're carrying is a live coal in your heart - far more damaging to yourself than to them.'- Lawana Blackwell

BPOV

I could feel I was making progress, not quickly, but fast enough so that I could start attending school again in a couple of weeks and be fit enough for Charlie's funeral. Alice and Carlisle reckon the cause of my binging was shock from Charlie's death, but I wasn't sure. I wasn't even sure it was bulimia I was dealing with. After all, apart from vomiting, I have also experienced headaches and high temperatures. Maybe I was ill. My diet was increasing, but I still wouldn't feed myself - I just couldn't bring myself to do it. After all, looking at food still disgusted me a little. One thing I felt guilty for was deceiving Alice and the fact that Edward was visiting me too. He would drop in when Jazz invited Alice out or when she had after school activities. Sure, Rose, Jazz, and Emmett also visited, but they never fed me - they just joked around with me and made me laugh, and I wasn't about to complain about that. It was Edward who fed me. I wasn't sure how much Alice was paying him to do so but if that was the case, I wanted him to stop forcing himself into my aura of misery and sickness. I decided I would demand this bullshit that was pressed into me to stop.

It was four o'clock, and just like the last couple of days, Edward came in, with his school bag slung over his shoulder, for which reasons I still didn't know.

Smiling at me gently, he reached over into his bag and pulled out a sandwich. "I got this for you on the way here. Alice told me you liked ham and cheese ones."

I didn't move, because now I knew it was Alice. It was all Alice. Edward didn't have to do this.

"Edward, Alice is making you do this right?" I asked, surveying his reaction carefully.

His brows creased and his easy smile faded a little. "She was, but I wouldn't really fucking listen to her. You know that."

I couldn't make sense of what he was saying, or implying on. "Then why?" I whispered.

Edward groaned. "Bella, do you think we all like to see you rotting away like some dead shit? Or d'you think we like visiting corpses?" he continued, "All I'm trying to do is to fucking feed you. To make you better. That's really fucking all."

What? "You don't really have to fucking do this," I snarled.

His eyes turned pleading and I wondered what was wrong. I shook my head, telling him to stop with my eyes and failed only because I had tears in my eyes. I was sick of this, sick of all this. I was sick of the food people were pressing into me. I wanted out. This was worse than I had expected. I would not have ended up here if it weren't for Alice catching me vomiting. But she had dragged the whole story out of me and I was stuck here now.

"Just leave, Edward." I had just had enough.

"I want to make sure you're okay." He leaned towards me and held out the sandwich he bought.

He wasn't leaving, and that was what built the fire in me. "Just leave. Now." I snapped.

"Bella…"

"Shut up! I don't want to hear your bullshit, or Alice and Carlisle's for that matter. Go home, Edward." Tears started leaking out from the corners of my eyes, but it wasn't anger that I was feeling. I was angry at him for forcing himself to help me, but I also felt awful about starting this conversation.

Edward's eyes turned critical. "I don't want you to die, Bella. Eat this sandwich, or I'll call in the nurse."

"Call her then. And tell her to make me fucking eat."

He glanced at me once more before heading out the door. I wiped my tears with my left hand before the nurse came it.

The door slammed again and Edward was no where to be seen; the nurse came in alone, shoving a food tray onto my lap and readjusting my IV.

"Eat." She insisted.

"Make me." I retorted.

"Do you want me to feed you?" she asked, concerned.

I snorted. "Fuck you." And so she shrugged her shoulders and left. I closed my eyes in exhaustion. I haven't eaten in a day, since Edward came in yesterday, and that was only an apple. I haven't been to the toilet in two days, and I guess it wasn't really necessary since barely any food was consumed. I leaned back down on my pillow and my mind went blank.

"Bella! Bella!" I opened up one eye in case it was Edward who was calling but it was just Carlisle.

"Yeah?" I mumbled back sleepily, still exhausted.

"We want to get you weighed and view your BMI." We…hang on; there was more than one person here? Another doctor? Shit, I wasn't able to back out of this anymore.

"Okay." I relented.

Getting me off the bed took a long while. I had absolutely no energy I couldn't even stand up. Dr Gerandy supported my back while Carlisle held on to me, lifting me onto the scale.

My eyes were closed when I heard Carlisle gasp. They brought me back to the bed and I lay there.

"What's wrong?" I slurred; talking used up too much of what's left of my energy.

"Bella, you have an extremely low BMI, 17.2 to be exact. You really have to start eating. I have ordered a progressive diet for you to keep up with and so…" his stern voice slowly faded out and darkness enclosed around me.

I could feel someone was shaking me. Shaking me hard.

"Bella…wake up!" Alice gasped, her voice thick with tears. "You're really sick, aren't you?"

"That's an understatement." I heard Edward mutter.

Oh, shit. So he was here. Just the two of them? Curiosity took over me and I opened my eyes minimally. Okay, check. Just the two of them.

I blinked my eyes. "Alice?"

"Oh, Bella! We were so worried." She replied, relieved. "Carlisle told us and you really have to start eating. This is going to be bad, really bad, if you don't."

My stomach grumbled loudly. Shit. I was caught red-handed. Looking at Alice and Edward, I knew they heard it, too.

Alice sighed and rubbed her red eyes. "I didn't know you would wake up, or when, so I decided to give it a try but I have to go now. Sorry."

My heart sank. That would leave only Edward and me. "Why? Where're you going?"

"To Port Angeles. Um, Angela invited me and wanted me to go shopping with her. You could've come but you're still sick. Don't worry," she reassured me, "Edward brought you food. And you're going to eat."

Oh, so this was a game? "I don't want to." I said stubbornly.

"You will, because I love you and I want you to get better."

Alice slammed the door and left.

I turned my head away from the glass door and found Edward shuffling his feet next to my bed. There was an uncomfortable silence that I wanted to break. He looked like he was afraid of what I was going to say to him, and truly, I was. I had pushed away one of the people who wanted to help me and honestly wanted me to get better.

He hesitated before speaking to me. "I know how you must feel about me but I wanted to give you something."

He opened his school bag and took out Dante's Divine Comedy. "This is one of my favorites so I bought it from a bookshop on the way here. I hope you enjoy it."

He watched me finger the stiff spine. I had no idea how he knew I loved poetry and this time, I was sure it wasn't Alice who told him; she would only know what kinds of clothing and music I loved and disliked. I turned to the back to see how much it had cost, so I could pay him back but he had already ripped the sticker off.

"Wow." That was my response at first.

He looked so relieved I felt like laughing. "You like it?"

I beamed back with all the energy I could produce. "Yeah, it's great. I love it!"

He smiled back and laughed.

EPOV

I was glad she didn't think I was a nerd or anything. I was even happier that she had accepted my gift excitedly, and, she enjoyed poetry just as fucking much as I did. I didn't know what had made me pick out Dante instead of all those fucking romance stories Alice and Rosalie read, but I knew Bella was different. The way she acted around people and the way she dressed completed the characteristics for a friend I was searching for. We had so much in common, and she had no idea.

Buying the book for her was just to soften her, as I knew I would have to ask her to eat something after she read for a while. I didn't want her to go in for the kill and make me leave again, like yesterday. Not being able to do anything about her gloomy state and illness made me ache. And the tears in her eyes after she kicked me out made me hurt. Really fucking hurt. Couldn't she see I had meant what I said that day in Port Angeles? I wanted all this bad stuff to go away, and from my point of view, it seemed to me that it was I who cared about Bella the most. Alice hadn't spent as much time here as I had, and nor has Carlisle. The reason why Bella was living and breathing right now was basically because of me. I was the reason she ate. I had taken care of her. Because she was now my friend.

It was a comfortable silence for a long while, but when I saw Bella's eyes begin to droop, I knew I had to make my move.

"Bella." I said, waiting for her to respond.

"Edward?" She yawned.

"Eat." I didn't want to get her a sandwich in case it reminded her of yesterday, so I bought a small slice of chocolate cake.

She shook her head and looked down. "No."

"You have to, or you'll die." I retorted harshly. I didn't mean to say that, but it slipped out of my mouth, raw. It was the ruthless truth.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and shook her head. "So what?"

I looked at her in disbelief and then the truth of what she said settled in. I felt like a ton of bricks had hit me in the stomach.

"I don't want you to die." I told her, watching her intently. "You're my friend. I don't want you to die." I repeated.

"Cut that bullshit, Cullen." She snarled.

Tears were starting to form in my eyes. Great. Now I was officially turning into a woman. She wouldn't listen to me. She could die. "Isabella Swan. Listen to me." I walked over to her and kneeled by her bedside, holding her hand. "Please," I begged. "Don't leave us. We all need you."

I closed my eyes, and leaned my forehead on her hand, waiting for her to respond. I jumped slightly when she traced my jaw lightly with her finger. It was like there was an electric shock passing between us.

"Edward," she whispered. I opened my eyes and saw that she was staring intently into mine.

"Bella?"

"You have to help me." Her voice shook and then she gulped. "I couldn't do the things I could have a few weeks ago. I could go to the toilet, and I could cook in the kitchen, but I'm weak. I need your help."

She started crying in earnest and I felt stab of an aching pain in my chest; I didn't want to see her crying like this. I wanted to fight off all her self hatred. She was already giving up, but I didn't want to see her go. I lifted my other hand that wasn't holding hers and gently brushed her sallow and bony cheek.

"Okay," I promised. "As long as you need me, I'll be here."

She smiled and I wished I could hug her in comfort, but she was too fragile; I felt like one touch could break her. I smiled back; it was the least I could do. I wanted to break away from her gaze but it was too difficult. Her eyes became an intense brown and I had to remember to catch my breath. The mood of the room had changed.

"Some cake?" I offered, lightening the atmosphere.

She laughed gently. So fucking beautiful. "Yes, thank you."

I handed the packet to her and watched her eat slowly with a thoughtful expression. She hadn't eaten in ages, and if I were her, I would've finished the cake in one bite. I flipped aimlessly through the book I gave her, waiting for her to finish.

"Edward?" Bella asked.

I looked up from her book and smiled when I saw she was, too. "Yeah?"

"I'm full."

She had only eaten half of the cake, but that was progress. She was making progress. And that was all I fucking cared about in this moment. I took the leftover from her hand and swallowed it in one gulp.

"Wishing I could do that, eh?" she asked.

I chuckled. "Hell yeah. Any fucking day."

My phone rang and I glanced at the screen and sighed. It was Jessica.

"Who is it?" Bella asked blankly.

"Jessica."

Bella's eyes dulled with realization. "Are you going to answer the call?"

"Yeah. Hang on."

I dashed outside, not wanting to disturb Bella.

"Edward? What took you so long to answer?" Jessica said irritably.

"Sorry. I was visiting a sick friend."

"Who?" God, she was impertinent and persistent sometimes.

"Bella Swan."

Jessica snorted and it annoyed me. "Bella Swan? You're visiting Bella Swan? Are you on drugs or something? What's wrong with her?"

"Nothing," I defended. "She's just sick and I wanted to visit her."

"Well, can you come over right now?" No, Jess, stop being a bitch or I'll hang up.

"I have football training with Jasper now. Sorry."

Jessica's voice went sad. Shit. "Okay, maybe next time."

"Sure," I muttered.

Once she hanged up, I quickly dialed Jazz's number.

"Hey Edward. What's up?"

"Jess just called me to hit up at her place but I made some shit excuse that I was training with you. Back me up, 'kay?"

Jazz laughed. "Sure."

I hung up and headed back to Bella.

Bella looked at me with questioning eyes and asked, "When are you going?"

"I'm not going anywhere," I told her truthfully.

"What about Jessica?"

"Doesn't matter." I replied hastily – Bella was far more important right now. "I want to spend some time with you."

Her voice turned disapproving. "You really don't have to do this, Edward. Jessica wants you." Yeah, in more ways than you could possibly fucking imagine, Bella.

But instead of replying, I thought Bella's words over. What the fuck was I doing? I suddenly wondered why I was doing this and why I wasn't going to Jessica's. Bella was my friend and so was Jessica. They both needed me. I knew Alice could come babysit Bella whenever she wanted but I, for some unfathomable reason, wanted to be with her. It wasn't a choice anymore and now I could see how easy it was falling head over heels with Bella Swan. The tiny slip of a girl with large, innocent brown eyes was charming and easy to make friends with. She was my equal, firing back what I had fired at her with. She would swear when I swore. There was nothing I could do and she couldn't. She had already lost her mother and her father, but she had continued to go to school and chat away happily with all her friends. Bella was the bravest person I had ever met.

I turned my agonized eyes to meet hers. "I want to be with you."

Her breath faltered and for a moment I was worried about damaging her health by staying too close to her. "Okay," she whispered.

"We're cool then?" I asked. I wanted no more animosity between us.

"We're cool." She agreed and yawned.

Fuck. What time was it anyway? Seven thirty. I promised Carlisle I'd be home before nine so I still had a little time left with her.

"When're you going?" Bella asked, her eyes troubled.

I smirked. "When do you want me to go?"

"I don't want you to leave." She whispered.

"I won't then."

"I'm going to fall asleep though" she warned. Please, she was most interesting when she slept…when she had said my name, when she had smiled sleepily in her dreams…when -

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Goodnight." She mumbled quietly.

"Goodnight."

I watched her eyes droop and began to plan. I wasn't sure I was in love with her, but I knew I wanted her more than Jessica, or Lauren. Bella was a simple person, and I wasn't going to mess her up confusing my lust with love. This was the first time I had ever spoken to a girl without touching them or kissing them. The girls were always there; I'd hardly ever needed to make the first move, but I knew with Bella it was different. Everything was different. I could not treat her the way I treated Jessica. She was Alice's best friend, and seeing my sister finally being so happy with someone was more important than my need for Bella.

I didn't know if Bella wanted to play nice and fair with me because it was irrational. I had spoken so many unthinkable things to her I wouldn't mind if she punched my face a few fucking times, because I knew I would fucking deserve it. I didn't deserve her friendship, much less anything else greater than that.

But could I be friends? Be friends with Bella, and not wanting more? I had never tried it before. It didn't look like she wanted the physical side of my personality, so I had absolutely no idea what to do. It was like walking on a thin tightrope. I had to make sure all my toes were kept in line, or I'd fall off and everything would be over. Carlisle, and Alice would hate me for it if I did.

Bella whimpered and cried out softly, "Go away. Don't touch me."

"Shhh," I whispered. I couldn't let her have bad dreams. I wanted all the bad to disappear from her. She did not deserve any of that shit because if anyone did, it was me. I leaned over and kissed her forehead, like I did last night.

"I'm here," I whispered. But this time, I wasn't going to let go.

I watched her eyes slowly open and smiled. "I know," she whispered, before falling into a more comfortable and dreamless slumber.

BPOV

This was awful. I was awful. I had no idea that was the way Edward had felt for me. I hadn't meant to make him cry at all. I felt pained at his sadness. He was such a good person. He helped me, brought me food, and comforted me. I needed to learn from him so I could be like that, too, but there were too many drastic catastrophes in my life that forced me to become the horrible person I was today.

Having this as my last thought before I sleep made me have a bad feeling there was going to be a nightmare coming along. Nightmares and dreams. They had suddenly become more explicit lately for reasons I do not know. Sometimes it was my dream lover singing to me, holding me tightly when I slept with his protective arms around me. Others, like this one, were nightmares. I was being under the hot slanting sun in Phoenix and someone was casting a lean shadow over me. It was my mother's murderer, and he was heading towards me with a bloody knife.

"Oh, poor sweet little Bella," he crooned.

That was when the screaming usually started. And then I would wake up, crying.

But it didn't happen this time. This time my dream lover had saved me.

"I'm here," he'd whispered, voice velvet soft, and he had kissed me on the forehead.

It had sounded and felt so real, but it was too good to be true. I was at the brink of waking, but I wanted to experience this feeling a bit more. I could smell the sweet scent that came off him, but realizing all this would have to end soon, I opened my eyes slowly. It was Edward. Edward, leaning over my hospital bed. Edward, and his sweet scent that washed over me. He was the dream lover.

"I know," I replied, feeling a little giddy but my eyes fell close.

"Stay," my voice slurred.

"Okay." I felt his arms wrap around me and the weight of his body lying next to mine. He kissed my forehead again.

"Good night, Bella," his voice the most perfect one in the world.

I mumbled goodnight and fell back asleep, into the arms of Edward freaking Cullen.

EPOV

Fucking heaven was right in front of me. Her thick shiny brown curls spilled across my arms. She cuddled into me and my heart was beating so fast I was sure she would wake. But she didn't. Instead, she had a slight smile on her face as I brushed her hair from her face.

"Edward." She whispered and I grinned at her.

My phone rang but I was too lazy to answer it.

What's up? I texted back to Carlisle.

Almost nine. Come home.

I groaned. I carefully lifted Bella off my shoulder and arm and grabbed my bag and left.

I drove home with Bella clouding my thoughts.

There was something I knew. And she instinctively knew too. The one thing I was certain about was that I was going to visit her everyday, and I was going to make her happy and help her eat. Bella would recover, and it would be because of me.

I was falling…and it fucking scared me.

Carlisle gave me a questioned look, observing the idiotic grin on my face but let it go.

I wasn't going to get anyone ruin my fucking mood.

Lots of hugs and kisses for my two lovely betas robbsweetangel and izzzyy for all the help and advice they have given me. Thank you to all my readers and my reviewers.

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