4

Angela hadn't had such a bad day in a long time. Actually not since they were a couple. One couldn't say that their relationship was one single bliss of love, they had their share of fights; silly little arguments and tough discussions, fights which lasted only a couple of minutes and others which left them mad at each other for days. But never had she been afraid to lose him, never had she felt they could be pulled apart again.

Not even once.

Not until today.

Today she was scared that it might start all over again, because he was with her!

It wasn't the first time Tony had headed for her place. But normally, he would just go there to either drop Lynnie off or pick her up. Today, he had gone there to talk to her.

Alone.

Just the two of them.

Tony and Kathleen.

Angela knew she was overreacting, and she was angry at herself that she didn't have her feelings under control. Tony loved her, she was absolutely sure about it. She trusted him completely and was positive that he wouldn't do anything to hurt her. It was Kathleen she mistrusted. She had learned from experience that she didn't play fair and didn't stop short of manipulating people. But what worried Angela the most was that Kathleen held the trump card to Tony's heart in her hand, and that was Lynnie. She had already dragged Tony away from Angela once using their unborn daughter, she wouldn't hesitate a second to do it again if she thought it might work to her advantage. Angela had no doubt about it. So from the minute Tony had left the house she had been apprehensive, and now she was slowly going crazy.

Tony had assured Angela that he went there just to have a quick talk. But he had withheld from her that his ex-wife had demanded to talk to him about something Lynnie had told her about last weekend. She hadn't been more precise, but flaring up on the phone, berating him, accusing him of putting their daughter at odds with her. Tony hadn't known what this was all about, all he had noticed was that Lynnie had returned from the weekend with her mother more tense and bad-tempered than ever. She had hardly talked to him ever since, neither to Angela, but wouldn't confide in them either about what had happened at her mother's house. So going over to Kathleen's had been the only way to find out what was going on.

"Sweetheart, she's having ulterior motives. I know!"

"She just wants to talk to me about Lynnie, Angela. Nothing else!"

"How can you be so naive, Tony? She's never 'just' done anything. She always has something in mind."

"Relax, Angela, no need to be paranoid! And besides, give me a little credit. I can handle her. I'm a big boy!"

"I don't have a good feeling about this."

"You'll see, I'll be back by noon and we'll both have a good laugh about it."

Well, he hadn't been really sure about it himself.

Angela had dreaded Tony meeting Kathleen for a so-called parental talk. So far, Kathleen had never cared to arrange with Tony when it came to Lynnie. She had always done what she wanted and thought necessary. That she had now asked for his opinion all of sudden had raised a flag at the back of Angela's mind. Tony had left the house this morning, it was a quarter to three now, almost three hours past noon. Where was he? What were they talking about? Angela's thoughts were running amok, her fears were almost suffocating her. Why hadn't she intervened? Why had she let him go? She had left the battlefield to Kathleen once and had paid bitterly for it. In an unsuccessful attempt to calm her nerves she had loaded the dishwasher, folded the laundry, scrubbed the toilet, and had eaten three pieces of chocolate cake. Nothing had helped! Now she was sitting on the couch, biting fingernails and picturing the worst scenarios. Her fears were getting the better of her, and she was upset with herself because of it. She should've been more self-confident, more self-assured about her relationship to Tony. But she just couldn't help it, she was scared she might lose him once again to Kathleen.

Suddenly she heard a key turning in the lock of the front door. She jumped off the couch and stared at the opening door in worried anticipation.

"Hello," Tony said matter-of-factly when he spotted Angela. He forced a weak smile, turned towards the coat-tree to hang up his jacket, then walked past Angela without even looking at her. She, on the contrary, didn't take her eyes off him and watched every single move of his. Because he didn't show any indication to start the conversation, she finally broke the silence.

"Where have you been?"

"You know where."

"For so long? What did the two of you have to talk about for so long? I was worried about you."

"No need to worry."

"Really?" Angela laid her hand on Tony's lower arm to make him look at her, but he avoided her eyes.

"I need a drink!"

Tony left Angela where she was standing and walked over to the cabinet to get a whiskey tumbler.

"At this time of the day?"

Angela was all alarmed now. She watched Tony pouring himself a whiskey, gulping it down and pouring another one. He put the bottle back into the cabinet, walked over to one of the armchairs and sat down absent-mindedly. Angela's antennas kept signalling like crazy and nervousness slowly crept up her spine. She had spent the entire day pacing back and forth through the house, her heart rate at an unusual high. Tony visiting Kathleen had brought back painful memories, and Angela had found herself in a situation she had hoped to never face again. It was like she was thrown back in a time capsule to a phase of her life she had been helpless, miserable and ineffably unhappy. Time hadn't healed the wounds. She still felt threatened by this woman. It hadn't changed one bit despite all these years which had gone by, and despite the wonderful life she shared with Tony as a couple. And the fact that Tony was so contemplative and withdrawn only made things worse. At a certain point, Angela couldn't stand the tension anymore.

"Tony, would you please be so kind and tell me what happened," she demanded, and as he didn't say anything right away she pleaded, "Come on, throw me a bone!"

"You were right," he eventually answered without looking at her.

"Right with what?"

"With her having ulterior motives."

"Oh, ..." Angela held her breath.

"She made a pass at me. Said she wanted me back."

Angela closed her eyes and swallowed hard. A cold shudder ran down her spine. "I knew it! What did you say to her?"

Tony didn't answer her, he didn't even look at Angela.

"Tony! What - did - you - say - to - her?"

"Nothing. ... I was completely taken off guard. I was unable to cope with the situation."

"Now, that's rich! Really, Tony! She'll take your hesitation for an invitation to continue." Angela tore her hair and started pacing through the living room again. "This woman is like a recurring nightmare! Bitch!"

"Angela, watch your language, please. You're talking about Lynnie's mother."

Angela's jaw dropped. "Are you defending her?"

"No, Angela, of course not! But I have to get along with 'this woman' somehow. She's Lynnie's mother and we have joint custody. I simply have to keep up a relationship with her that works. And besides, I don't want Lynnie to overhear that we talk of her like this." Why he wasn't telling her that he had learned from Kathleen that his daughter had overheard not only his proposal but also the reason Angela had given him why she couldn't accept, he didn't know. Maybe because he was still dumbfounded about it himself and didn't have any idea of how to talk to Lynnie about it.

"I see."

Angela folded her arms in front of her chest. If Tony had been able to have a glimpse at her soul at that moment, he would've seen hurt, confusion and disillusion in there. She would never be at ease with Kathleen. She constantly interfered with their lives, every second weekend. And every second weekend Angela worked hard to put on a good face to the matter. She didn't want Lynnie to know how much she disliked her mother, so she gulped down every snide remark which showed up at the tip of her tongue when Lynnie was around. But that Tony asked her now to refrain from speaking ill of her to him was too much for her at a moment she was emotionally unstable. She deemed it best to withdraw and bring her emotions back under control before she started an argument.

"Look, Tony, there's a lot of paper work waiting for me in my study. Can we talk about this some other time?"

"Okay," was all Tony said.

"Okay," Angela whispered abstractedly.

Tony had gone into the kitchen and had started to prepare Boeuf Bourgignon with potatoes and vegetables. He knew that Angela probably wouldn't join him for dinner. Not because she had so much work to do. The food smelled delicious, and normally it would lure her out of her sanctuary in no time no matter how many folders she still had to work through. But today was no normal day. Today he had been at Kathleen's and he had told her about his ex-wife's silly advances. 'Tony, you're still pretty sexy, you know that?' she had said, starting to unbutton her blouse. He had almost burst out laughing upon that remark, but the laughter got stuck in his throat when he had realized she was serious about it. Fumbling at his shirt, she had continued in a lustful voice, 'We were always good in bed together. We made Lynnie. Come on, for once you can have a real woman with curves and boobs instead of that uptight, flat-chested, thin rake you have at home.' He hadn't believed his ears and had only stared at Kathleen in complete shock. Tony shook his head to banish that unpleasant incident from his memory.

At some point, the meat was simmering on the stove and everything else was prepared, so in lack of having anything to do Tony sat at the kitchen table propping his head with his hands. He was wondering what had made his world tumble all of a sudden. Only a few days ago he had been the happiest man on earth, proposing to the woman he loved more than himself. Since then, things kept going wrong - Angela hadn't accepted, Lynnie had cancelled their weekend plans for Brooklyn and seemed to have locked herself in her room ever since, his ex-wife had made a fool of herself today, and the worst thing of all, he was at odds with Angela.

Tony had the feeling he lost the grip on his life, and he didn't really know why. But he wasn't willing to simply let everything run its course. He didn't care so much about his relationship to Kathleen, but Lynnie mattered. The girl had found out that her parents had hidden something from her for all these years, something which turned her world upside down. Kathleen hadn't been able to ease the girl's mind obviously, or maybe she was the reason that his daughter was so upset. He had to find out. He needed to talk to his daughter, definitely, no matter if she wanted or not. But first, he had to clear up the misunderstandings with Angela.

Knock. Knock.

"Come in."

Tony opened the door to Angela's study and peeked through the crack. "Angela, we have to talk."

"Okay, I can't concentrate on my work anyway."

She was sitting at her desk but didn't even try to give the impression that she was working. Tony could see that she had been crying, and he felt a cold fist embracing his heart. Never ever had he wanted to make her cry again. But truth be told, he didn't completely understand her either. Why was she so tense? She didn't even know yet that Lynnie had heard why she refused to marry him. She didn't really believe that he would get involved with his ex-wife again, did she?

"Why are you so on edge, Angela?"

"Are you really asking me this, Tony?"

"Yes, there's no need to be hysterical about Kathleen. What she did doesn't mean anything."

"Hysterical? You're calling me hysterical? I don't get it! I believe I have every reason to be on edge, Tony." She turned around and looked at him very earnestly. "When you pleaded with me ten years ago to let you back into my life you promised me something. You promised me to never hurt me again. You promised to love and cherish me until the end of our lives. And I trusted you. I'm holding you to that promise now!"

"But I do love you, Angela! There's no need to question my love for you," Tony insisted. "The only thing I'm asking for is a little understanding for the delicate situation I'm in."

"The last time I understood your delicate situation, contenting myself with staying at the sideline, I ended up in hospital. I won't let that happen to me again, Tony! It was the worst time of my life, and I can't go through something like this once more. I have to protect myself. I will never be at ease about her. I'm sorry if I sound melodramatic, but don't ask me for understanding when it comes to Kathleen. This woman has taken the love of my life from me with a dirty trick, and I'm sure she wouldn't stop at using another mean trick to yield an advantage. And if I hear that she made a pass at you, I simply can't imagine that she did it without having anything in mind. I'm sorry, ..."

"She's Lynnie's mother, Angela. I can't cut her out of our lives completely, even if I wanted to," Tony tried to explain his predicament.

"I know, and there are days I'm not able to deal with this situation very well. Today is one of those days."

"So, how are we gonna solve this then?"

"I have no idea."

Angela turned around without any further words and left Tony behind. He cringed because of the déjà-vu he was having. Angela had ditched him like this before - same spot, same topic, same inertia. They had spoken about what his relationship to Kathleen meant for them after having confessed that he had slept with Kathleen. He hadn't known then that this single night with her would set off an avalanche of events they would still be struggling with years later.

Was Kathleen supposed to be his bitter fate? Would she haunt him until the end of time?

Of course she would, they had a daughter together. That was what Angela had been talking about when she hadn't accepted his proposal. Being the parents to Lynnie tied them together for good. She would never let him live in peace with Angela. He suddenly realized what a jerk he had been asking Angela for understanding. If he put himself in her shoes just for a second, he would even feel her pain. He hadn't lost neither his sensibility nor his senses. Only that he hadn't done anything in an attempt not to make any mistakes. That behavior pattern seemed familiar! He tried so badly to be a good father to Lynnie, a fair ex-husband to Kathleen and a loyal partner to Angela - all at the same time - that today for some odd reason he hadn't been able to deliver on the latter in particular. But for nothing in the world would he jeopardize his relationship to Angela once again. So he turned on the spot and chased after her, striding through the living room this time, not poking along like then. Today he made it just in time, she was still there, putting on her coat for a walk outside. Back then he had been too late and had only been able to watch her leave.

"Angela, wait! Mind if I joined you?"

Angela shook her head, so he grabbed his jacket too, opened the front door and let her pass in front of him. It was a warm October afternoon. The sun was shining through some scattered clouds and bathed the environment into a golden light. The trees were already naked by now, there were red and orange leaves everywhere on the pavement. In some places they had been swept up to huge piles by their neighbors, waiting until the next gust of wind would scatter them all over the place again.

They walked side by side in silence for a few minutes. At some point Tony dared to take Angela's hand and was relieved when she didn't pull it back. He cupped her delicate fingers with his strong hand and squeezed them gently. Like this, they made their way to a little park close by. It was deserted, for it was already quite late, just before sunset. The gravel scrunched beneath their feet and a misty fog started to develop on a little pond in the middle of the park. Tony knew that if he wanted to talk to her, he had to be the one starting the conversation.

"Can we talk?"

"I thought that was why you came along."

"Right." Tony took a deep breath, but didn't know what to say. His mind was overflowing with unsorted thoughts and he didn't know where to start. So he simply looked at her with puppy eyes. Just like back then in her study. Another déjà-vu.

Then Angela broke the silence, "Tony, can you imagine how I feel?"

"Yes."

"Tell me! What do you think how I feel?"

"Hurt. Left out. Reminded of how it used to be. Afraid that it might never be over."

"That pretty much wraps it up. Add helpless and disappointed, then you'll understand why I am on edge."

"Angela, the only reason that I'm still dealing with her is because of Lynnie. I don't have any interest in her as a woman. You once asked me whether it was over and I told you I didn't know, but today I know! I've known for more then ten years now! You have to believe me."

"Oh Tony, I do, " she sighed heavily, "but what am I supposed to think when you tell me that she made a pass at you? What does she expect to achieve by that?"

"She knows that I proposed to you," Tony let Angela know finally.

"You told her?" she asked surprised.

"No. Lynnie did."

"Lynnie?" Angela blinked in astonishment.

"Yes. It seems as if she overheard our conversation the other night."

Angela set her eyes on him in shock. "Oh boy! How much did she hear?"

"Everything, Angela. She heard everything. What we said about Jamaica. Why I married Kathleen. That you don't want to marry me because we don't have any children of our own."

"Now I get it, that's why she hardly speaks to me anymore. She must think that I split her parents apart," Angela assumed, "Poor girl! Her world must have collapsed."

"And that is why she so badly wanted to talk to Kathleen last weekend."

"You have to talk to her, Tony! I told you many times that you should tell her everything about Kathleen, you and me. She's old enough to understand. At least some of it."

"I know. If I only knew how! Can we do that together, Angela? I need you help. And besides, there is no 'me' in this, there's only an 'us'." Tony looked beseechingly at her. He was at the verge of tears. Her support and understanding was vital to him.

"Angela, do you still have faith in us?"

"Of course I do!"

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"Okay, listen to me! Listen carefully! ... I assure you that I won't make the same mistake twice. I made a wrong decision once, and we both paid for it. If I could turn back time, I'd change the course of events, but I can't. What I can do though is decide what our future is going to be like. And I won't let Kathleen harm our relationship all over again, believe me. I'd be a fool if I put at risk what we have. The last ten years have been the best of my life. I haven't proposed without a reason, ..." Tony stepped closer to Angela, who in search of physical support had leaned with her back against a huge oak tree. Holding both her hands now he appealed to her, "I love you. And I'm sorry for the way I reacted when I came home. I was a jerk! Once again! You're not hysterical, and you're not melodramatic. You're insecure and vulnerable. I understand. And I will make you feel better. This I promise with my heart. You have to believe me! ... Do you believe me?"

"Yes," she whispered once again.

"Wonderful."

Tony once inhaled and exhaled heavily. He needed to get his pulse back under control. Then he leaned in for a kiss. When their lips met, she slightly opened hers invitingly and he more than willingly let his tongue caress hers. It was the sweetest kiss he had ever tasted. When they pulled apart, Angela's eyes fluttered open and transfixed him.

"Tony Micelli, do I really have to marry you to finally make you mine?"

"Angela, are you proposing to me?"

"No. It was just a question."

"What if I said yes? Marry me to make me yours! I don't care what your motives are, as long as you marry me." He showed her a sly grin.

"We'll see." She smiled at him, widely, lovingly, her eyes sparkling.

"I can live with that."

"Good!"

"Good."

Tony placed one more tender kiss on her mouth, then he took her hand and pulled her away from the tree she was still leaning on. "Let's go home, Angela. It's getting cold. And there's a wonderful Boeuf Bourgignon waiting for us on the stove." He put his arm around her shoulder and pressed her body against his. He felt the tension fall off of him as well as of her. Now he only had to deal with his daughter, who had distanced herself from him because of what she had learned about his relationship to her mother. And he had to deal with his ex-wife, who had started to play games. But he had straightened out matters with Angela, and that had been on top of Tony's list. Without her, nothing would've made sense anymore.

'One down, two more to go,' he heard his inner voice tell him.