Chapter Nine – Now That She's Gone

Edward

The room stilled and the warmth that once filled it began to seep out. I knew then that she was gone. My baby girl was finally at peace.

I sobbed into the crook of Bella's neck as her hands ran over my back, soothing the ache in my chest. I could hear my mother talking with Bella, but I had blocked out everything.

I only concentrated on my memories of Hayley and on Bella, her words a whisper in my ear.

"She's where she'll feel your love every day."

How does she know this?

I wanted to ask, but I feared to speak. I didn't want to disturb the quiet peace I felt while in Bella's arms.

"No, Esme," Bella said softly as her lips pressed for a moment on my temple. "Thank you. I just don't want to leave him." I heard someone respond to her but the words were incoherent to me. "Yes, they're in my purse. Thank you again."

There was silence again, but I wasn't aware of how much time had passed. I felt someone leading me from place to place. Somewhere soft, another hard, but Bella was always near.

"Edward," she breathed, her breath trickling down my neck. "We need to eat. Your parents brought some food for us."

I felt my hands tighten around her fingers, as I opened my eyes long enough to see her face. I sighed and internally groaned. She looked worried and saddened. I touched her cheek and my thumb brushed a tear away.

"Angel," I whispered. "I'll be fine."

She blinked rapidly and nodded. "I just need you here with me," she said softly, placing her hand over mine.

"I'm here."

She smiled for a moment and offered me a spoon. "Eat up."

After we ate, Bella and I decided to clean the kitchen. "Where did my parents go?"

"They went home, Edward," Bella replied handing me a plate. "You fell asleep shortly after Hayley," she trailed off.

I took her hand in mine. "You don't have to do that, Bella. Hayley isn't a taboo subject around me. If I did that, it would be a disservice to her memory and life." Bella smiled and squeezed my hand generously. I pressed my lips to hers, sighing from the pleasant contact.

"I had no idea I had fallen asleep," I said warily.

"Just for a while," Bella said, pulling the drain from the sink. "They went to get some food and some of my clothing." She bit her lip as she said this, as if she were nervous. "If you don't want me to stay –"

I stopped her by kissing her again. "I want you to stay."

She smiled and nodded. "Come on," she said sweetly, tugging my hand. "Let's go see if there's something to watch on TV."

"Alright," I said.

We started watching some music videos for a while, my head resting comfortably on Bella's lap. Her fingers ran through my hair continuously. When her cell phone rang, her hand tensed in my hair for a moment. She sighed and took the call.

"Hi, Dad," she whispered. "No, I kind of guessed that's what the holdup was." Bella paused to listen to her father. "Jacob hasn't been back here since Hayley crossed over." Bella sighed deeply, and I felt one of her hands leave me. I turned and looked up at her. Her hand draped over her eyes, her mouth parted a bit as she continued to listen. "Have you placed someone on Kate and her accountant?"

I continued to listen to the one-sided conversation, my hands seeking Bella's fingers again. I took her hand from her face and brought it to my lips.

"Sorry," I mouthed but continued to be selfish, seeking what she offered and hoping that I was returning some semblance of comfort to her, too.

Bella hung up and looked at me with tired, sad eyes. "What is it?" I asked.

"The coordinates that Garrett gave me is where they fell from, Edward," she said. "There's nothing there now. So they have to take into account the currents and see where she could be."

"I feel a 'but' here," I said cautiously.

She nodded. "The ice is very thick in some areas and the water is very frigid. We may have to wait to retrieve her body until spring." She winced noticeably.

I sighed deeply, averting my eyes. "Bella," I said after several minutes of silence.

"Yes," she replied, her hands once again soothing me.

"Can we not talk about the bad things tonight? I just lost her all over again. I don't want to mar the peace I was granted today with those things."

"We can do that," she replied simply. We spent the rest of the evening in comfortable silence, but soon it felt like the darkness threatened to close in on me. There were so many unanswered questions still left. Why? Why had my daughter died needlessly?

I thought about all that I would miss and the years of her life taken from me. "Oh God, my baby," I sobbed against Bella's stomach. My arms wrapped her waist, her hands immediately trying to soothe me. "She's gone, taken away from me by her own mother!"

"Edward," Bella whispered. "She's still with you, within your memories and in your heart."

I shook my head and continued to cry for my child. Time seemed irrelevant to me as I mourned her. Bella tried to soothe with touch and whispered words but all of that refused to reach me. "I'll never see Hayley go to her first school dance, recite a poem, play an instrument, or drive for the first time."

I felt Bella drape herself over me, her breath on my face as her hair curtained around us. "I know, Edward," Bella whispered, her breath on my cheek. "Don't dwell on what could've been. Think of all the good things you've seen your daughter do."

I took a deep cleansing breath and looked to see Bella's lips just a breath away from mine. "Like what?"

"Close your eyes," she demanded. I wanted to smile at her tone, but I couldn't bring myself to comply. "Please, for me." I nodded slowly and closed my eyes, it was the least I could do for her. I felt her lips on mine for a brief moment, pulling away slowly. "Tell me about the first time you saw her dance."

I felt my lip tremble as I conjured up the memory. "She was only three," I said softly, a small laugh escaping me. "She insisted in this pink fluffy tutu and my mother did her hair. Put it in a bun on top of her head with ribbons falling from it. She was absolutely adorable."

Bella hummed and pressed her lips on my brow. Her fingers swept through my hair, triggering a wave of peace. "She was a natural from the very beginning, Bella. When she twirled, the world sighed."

Bella nodded and asked me to continue. I told her about when Hayley took her first unassisted step, and how I was so frightened she'd fall. She laughed when I reminisced about the time I felt when Hayley had gotten her first tooth because she had bitten me. I wasn't sure about how much time had passed, but I soon felt the pain lessen.

My head was still on Bella's lap, one of our hands intertwined. I touched her cheek with the other. "Thank you."

"It's why I was brought to you," she said with a timid smile.

"What do you mean?"

"I painted you a few years ago," she replied. "I painted your eyes on a canvas amongst a snowy background for no apparent reason." She looked thoughtful and shook her head. "I'm sure if I looked at the date, it would likely coincide with Hayley's disappearance."

Why hadn't she said anything before? Her fingertips caressed the area between my brows, soothing the crease there. My eyes fluttering close from all the suffering I'd endured over the last three years. I took her hands in mine, playing with her delicate fingers. I look up to see the anguish in her eyes. I ran a hand through her hair and this time her eyes closed.

"Why?" I choked on a broken sob. "Why did it you so long to find me?" Bella's warm eyes snapped open, filling with tears. She shook her head, in what I saw as despair.

"I don't know," she whispers gravely.

I take in a shuddering breath, one that caused Bella to do the same. I felt something in her touch, and I allowed it to calm me. "I've been nothing of the man I was before she disappeared for three years. Why?" I sob. "Why couldn't you ease my pain then?"

"Edward," she said, shaking her head. "You weren't ready for me yet." She pressed her lips to mine and softly laid a kiss under each eye.

"Am I now?" I wanted to be ready for her. I wanted everything she's willing to offer.

Bella brow furrowed. "You're almost there, Edward." I wanted to smile at this, but I couldn't help but feel as if it were surreal – too good to be true. That Bella was only a messenger to help restore the faith I had lost.

We sat in the same position for a while longer, the silence occasionally penetrated by another memory of Hayley that I wanted to share with Bella.

"We both need showers," she said suddenly, scrunching up her nose in mock revulsion. I took her hand and led her down the hall to my bedroom. I saw the panic in her eyes, but I only smiled.

"You're welcome to use mine," I said easily, and she instantly relaxed. Despite the need for her comfort, her touch I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. I wasn't sure if the fear she felt only moments before was because she didn't want me as I wanted her. The thought that she didn't scared me. Would she leave after all this is over?

"Thank you," she said. "Let me grab my bag." She left and went back into the living room. I used the time to gather some sleep pants, boxers, and a t-shirt when I felt an unbearable pain, down to my very soul.

I gasped for breath and tried to calm down. "I can take the guest room on this floor – Edward!" The moment she stepped closer the pain ebbed, breathing became easier.

I pulled Bella by her arm harshly. "Edward, wha –" I stopped her by pulling her closer, kissing her fully – thoroughly. I felt her become pliant in my arms, and I groaned at the small triumph.

"We don't have to do anything," I said in a hoarse whisper. "I just need to feel, touch, and see you."

I waited for the sting of rejection but it never came. Bella nodded and pulled my sweater over my head. I sighed as I tossed her top aside, reveling in the smooth skin under my fingers. As my hands ran over her supple curves, I kissed her softly, nipping at her lips. Slowly, Bella's fingers caressed my back that sent a spark of warmth down my spine. I groaned and angled my head enough to deepen our kiss. Our kisses were frantic as more clothes fell, trailing from the bedroom to the bathroom. Without pulling from her embrace, I managed to turn on the water. Bella shivered under my hands, before the water warmed her skin and mine.

"Edward," she gasped, her head falling back. I wrapped my arms around her tiny waist; splayed fingers sought the naked, wet skin of her back. I kissed a fiery path down her neck, nipping with my lips and teeth.

I whisper her name, sucking lightly on her neck. I could feel my desperation pouring through me, but at the same time, I felt that this was wrong.

"Edward," Bella said softly, tugging on my hair to meet her eyes, taking my face in her hands. "This is not the time for that. You're still grieving."

"Not until this is over." I close my eyes in doubt but her hands held me tighter. It pained me, but I stilled long enough to drop my head into the crook of her neck.

"You're right," I said, looking up at her again. I caressed her bottom lip with my fingers. "When we do this, it should be about us." I hoped she'd understand what I was trying to say.

"Just us," she whispered. I nodded, laying a soft kiss under her ear.

I smiled and gave into kissing her again, but this time slowly, tenderly. "Let me take care of you," I said. "Just for a little while." She looked confused but nodded – so trusting.

I smiled crookedly, the smile that usually got me in trouble. Her eyes narrowed for a moment but she instantly relaxed when I led her deeper under the spray of water.

Her eyes fluttered closed as water fell down her dark hair and face. I gathered the long strands and ran my fingers through it gently as I lathered the shampoo. Her lips parted as I gently washed her hair, my fingers massaging her scalp. I pressed my lips against the natural pout of her bottom lip.

I had such overwhelming emotions pouring from me into Bella. I hadn't felt like this about anyone before, and yet I knew it wasn't the time to be thinking about those feelings. I had to give Bella a chance to evaluate our situation.

Did she only feel empathy toward me?

A relationship built on that would never last. I owed her more than that. She had to be sure of what she felt for me before we continued. Her kind words and soothing, loving touch told me something could be there, but I had to be sure.

Surely, my heart couldn't stand any more pain.

What was I thinking going into the shower with her? I had pushed her.

"Edward," Bella said softly, pulling me from my thoughts. She took my face in her hands, her eyes filled with so much emotion. "Don't over think what we're feeling."

I held her close, my hands settling on the delicate curve of her hips. "You could really hurt me," I confessed in a whisper. "I don't know if you're still here because you care for me or because I still need your help." She shook her head and I could see tears forming despite the water that fell over us. I was hurting her.

"I'd never do anything to hurt you." She laid her forehead on my chest, her hands falling to my shoulders and down my arms. "Now let me take care of you."

I shook my head. "You've done so much already."

"Not enough if you think that what I feel is a byproduct of what's been going on since I met you." Her tone suggested that she was now angry.

"Damn it," I said, averting my eyes. She grasped my chin and forced me to look down in her eyes.

"Now isn't the time to talk about that," she said. She kissed me softly, chastely and sweetly. "Later, after all this is over." She led me around so that my body would get most of the water. Even though I towered over her, she washed my hair gently. Her touch, as it was from the very beginning, was tender and filled with adoration.

It wasn't sexual in nature, just loving. She washed my body slowly, running her fingers over every dip and curve of skin. Her eyes held mine as she took the time to care for me. I watched drops of water catch on her long lashes, and I couldn't help the overwhelming need to kiss her. My body leaned over hers, one of my palms flat against the tile behind her, taking her bottom lip in between my own.

This kiss held so much promise to a future I wanted to explore – with her. I rested my forehead on hers, my eyes watching her. "Thank you," I said simply.

She smiled softly and met my gaze. With a gentle touch, I caressed her face when she suddenly yawned. I laughed, kissing her several times before allowing her to finish her shower.

"Time for bed," I said, passing her a towel after she finished. She yawned again, apologizing. I held out my hand and put her in one of my t-shirts while she stepped into a pair of panties. I dressed only in sleep pants. I never had felt this sense of comfort with anyone else before as I watched Bella towel-dry her hair. I thought with the tense conversation in the shower that it would've been awkward, but it wasn't. Having her here with me felt natural.

Bella left to grab a glass of water downstairs and I busied myself with turning down my bed. I realized in that moment that I hadn't slept in my bed for almost three years. Tears fell from my eyes as the loss overwhelmed me again. I had slept in Hayley's room since I'd lost her. A strangled sob escaped me as Bella's arms wrapped around me from behind.

"How am I supposed to move on?"

"One day at a time," she whispered. She held something in her hand, so I pulled away and took the recorder from her.

"What is this?"

"She said you sang this to her whenever she wasn't feeling good."

"She left me a song," I said in confusion.

Bella shook her head. "She sang you the song." She pressed the play button.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine," Hayley's sweet voice sang. She was singing and a slower tempo than she usually had, but thankfully not distorted.

Tears continued to fall as I clutched the small device to my chest. "Thank you," I said, taking Bella's hand. "Thank you for all this."

She nodded and climbed into bed, pulling me down with her. The soft melody ended with a note that hung for a few moments. "Daddy, I'll always love you."

"I always love you, too, Hayley," I whispered as my eyes close. "Good night, Bella." I felt her lips press over mine softly and heard the whisper of "sweet dreams" before I gave in to sleep.

Bella

Jacob and Garrett stood outside with a warning. Tomorrow all hell will break loose, and I could lose Edward forever. With this curse, I was destined to be alone.