5

On their way back from the park, Tony and Angela had decided that the matter bore no delay, they had to talk to Lynnie right away. So as soon as they got home, Tony knocked at his daughter's door.

"Lynnie, Sweetheart, can Angela and I talk to you for a minute?"

"Uh, Dad, there is this paper due next week, ..." she tried, but was cut off by her father.

"It's important, Lynnie. Please!"

It wasn't a plead, it was a request. So Lynnie got off her bed and followed her father downstairs. From Angela's eyes she could read that this would be no easy talk. 'Mom must've talked to them,' instantly went through her mind. She took a deep breath to calm down her accelerating pulse and remained standing in the middle of the living room. She folded her arms in front of her chest and tried to sound as clueless as possible.

"What is it, Dad?"

"I spoke to your mother today, Lynnie. She told me what you were talking about last weekend," Tony updated her.

"Oh, ... that."

Tony looked at Angela for help, but she threw him a 'it's-your-daughter-you-go-first' look back.

"What you heard must have turned your world upside down, I guess. How do you feel?"

"Like an idiot!" Lynnie replied sharply, "Like my parents still think I'm a baby who cannot bear the truth!"

"Ey-oh, you're no idiot, and I know that you're not a baby anymore."

"Then why are you treating me like one? You should've told me!"

"Told you what?"

"That you never wanted to have me."

That was what troubled her the most. Lynnie felt unwanted and unloved. She hadn't been really close to her mother all these years, so it hadn't come as a complete surprise that there had never been a time it had been different, but she couldn't make sense of what she had learned about her father. They had been a dream team as long as she could remember. He had always been there for her. If it hadn't been for him, she would've never fully recovered from her accident; he had gathered the money to pay the best doctors, had taken her to countless therapies and had lived only for her at that time. He had fought like a lion to make her live with him after the divorce, and he used every opportunity to show her how proud he was and how much he loved her. He loved her just like he loved Sam, at least she had been thinking he did. But how was it possible if he had never wanted to have her in the first place?

"That is not true, Lynnie!"

"But you said that you wanted to be with Angela and only didn't break up with Mom because I was on the way."

"You're right, I hadn't planned to start a family with your mother, but when she told me she was expecting I proposed only because I wanted to have you!"

"But not because you were in love with her."

Tony looked at Angela again, then answered his daughter's question without averting his gaze, "No, I was in love with someone else."

"We can talk openly, can't we?" She threw her father a challenging look. "You were in love with Angela, Dad, but married Mom! I didn't know that you were okay with dating two people at a time!"

"Angela and I weren't dating."

"But you just told me that you were in love with her."

"It was a complicated situation."

Lynnie wasn't in the mood for beating around the bush, nor for excuses. She wanted to talk plainly. To learn about one's roots was important. Things had never been like in other families, having a working Mom and a stay-at-home Dad, but she had always thought that how she came into life had at least been the usual way - a woman and a man in love sleeping with each other and being gleefully happy about the baby they were expecting. That was the way it was in the movies, and that was the way it should be. Lynnie wasn't naïve, of course she knew that real life wasn't like in the movies, but she wished that at least some parts of her life were just like anybody else's. That was why she wanted to find out everything, and that was why she wouldn't spare them any questions. She had interrogated her mother a few days ago, since then she knew one side of the story. Now she was hell-bent to find out about the other one.

"Did you ever love Mom, or was she just a fling because you couldn't wind up in Angela's bed?"

"Wo-ho, Lynnie, hold your horses! Angela will not be spoken to in that tone of voice by any of my children!"

"Tony!" Angela tried to appease. Lynnie hadn't inherited so much of Tony's appearance - she was blond, had blue eyes and a light complexion - but there was no denying of his Italian temper in her. She knew that if she didn't call them both to order, they might end up shouting at each other.

"No, Angela! I understand that she's mad, but if she wants to be mad, she can be mad at me. You didn't do anything wrong!"

"So, you admit it? You cheated on Angela with Mom! Or was it the other way around?" Lynnie didn't back down one bit, churned up by emotions.

"Watch your tongue, young lady! You don't know anything about what was going on at the time, so don't start throwing accuses around."

"Guys, calm down, both of you!" Angela cut in once again. Her voice of reason was definitely called for. "Lynnie, your father is right. We weren't dating. He wasn't cheating on anybody."

"But I don't understand, Angela. He said he loved you, then how come he got involved with my Mom?"

"Well, it was very complicated," Angela repeated what Tony had just said two minutes ago, lacking any better explanation for the inquiring teenager.

"Oh, come on! It's not that complicated! Either you love someone, or you don't!"

"Love can be a tricky feeling, Lynnie," Angela tried to explain, "you'll see when you're a bit older. It's not only black or white, there are a lot of shades in between. Sometimes you fall in love with someone head over heels, some other time your love grows only very slowly. You can have a silly crush on someone or love him with all your heart. You can deny being in love, or you can persuade yourself being in love."

"It seems as if I did both," Tony mumbled more to himself that to the two women, but Lynnie heard him nonetheless.

"You denied being in love with Angela, and persuaded yourself being in love with Mom?"

"I guess so."

"What about me?"

"I have always loved you. Didn't have to persuade myself! From the first moment I held you in my arms."

"Did you ever regret having me?"

Tony answered without hesitating a second. "Never!"

"If you could turn back time, would you do things the same way?"

"I can't turn back time, so there's no use contemplating about it."

"So you don't regret anything?"

That was a difficult question. He regretted a lot of things, and he had often asked himself what would've happened if he hadn't given in to his sudden lust that night at the motel with Kathleen. If their study group hadn't gone to the hotel, if the others had stayed longer, if he had left it to be a one-night stand, ... What should he tell his daughter? She was the only good thing which had come out of this mess, and she was the only reason he hadn't become completely exasperated with his life at the time.

"I regret having hurt Angela. I regret having abandoned Jonathan and Mona. I regret not having been completely sincere with your Mom. But I never regretted having you!"

"And you?" Lynnie turned to Angela.

"Me?"

"Yes, you! It must have been difficult for you to invite me to live in your house. Have you never despised me?"

"Lynnie, we live under the same roof for ten years now, don't you think you would've noticed if I had ever despised you?"

"Really never?"

"Never! If there was one person who was absolutely innocent of the mess we were in, it was you!"

Angela had thought about her relationship to Lynnie a lot over the years. She had tried to find guidebooks, but of course their situation had been so unique that there were none treating explicitly their kind of relationship. So she had turned to books dealing with step-mothers, mailman's children, betrayed wives, and adoption in general, but none had fitted and hadn't been of any help. If she had simply listened to her heart, she would've understood that she actually didn't need any external advice, that she knew deep down that she was able to cope with Lynnie being Kathleen's daughter. But Angela wouldn't be Angela if she wasn't always looking for credible evidence and rational explanation. So she had spoken to Doctor Bellows a few times about it, and she had been the one to tell Angela that it was okay for her to like the child, that she wasn't a dumb masochist caring for a girl that much who wasn't her own. The academic's opinion had finally eased her mind and she had allowed herself to first like and later love Lynnie. She couldn't tell the exact moment when it had happened, but she remembered that one day she had realized that she loved Tony's daughters equally much.

"But you despise my mother," Lynnie noted unemotionally.

"Uh, well, ..." Angela cleared her throat, that most certainly was another piece of cake.

"Come on, Angela! Be honest! I can't imagine that you don't despise her. I remember a talk we had when I was little, when you visited Dad and me in our apartment. You said that Mom and you met at an inappropriate time and place and that was why you two didn't get along well. That was a little understated, wasn't it?"

Angela chewed on her lower lip. It was a bit awkward to talk to a teenager about all this, but Lynnie deserved to know. And she was rather mature compared to other kids her age.

"You were five years old, Lynnie. What was I supposed to tell you? That your Mom cheated on your Dad with birth control? That we don't get along well because we love the same man? If it had been Tony's own decision to start a family with her instead of me, I could've lived with it. It would've been hard because I loved him, but I would've gotten over it eventually. I was used to being rejected and dumped since I was a teenager. But it was different. Your mother used one of the oldest female tricks to bind a man, and I felt betrayed by her, yes! The only thing which kept me going was that I still had Tony as my friend. Our friendship was very profound and very precious to me. I had controlled my feelings for him so long, I knew I could go on with it. But when he broke off our friendship, I was devastated. My life was just unimaginable without him! That was the moment I felt betrayed by your father, too. I felt betrayed by everyone. By life in itself. I had a very bad time afterwards."

"If you felt so betrayed by him, then why did you give him the money for my treatment?"

Another sharp inhale from Angela. This was a tough conversation, bringing back so many painful memories.

"I remember the night he stood in front of my door, rain dripping from his nose, his face like a mask, with empty eyes. He was a picture of misery because of your accident. How could I not help him? Besides, he hadn't come for his own sake, but only for yours."

"You didn't charge him with asking you for money after having broken off your friendship?"

"No, not for having come to me, but for having sneaked out silently the next morning. I felt used, and dumb, and naïve."

Tony moaned. It still caused him physical pain to think back to the way he had mistreated Angela in that situation.

Lynnie looked at Angela. She was touched by her open honesty. Never before had an adult spoken to her so profoundly about his or her own inner turmoil. She felt secure enough to ask Angela something else, something which troubled her since she had asked her mother about it.

"Angela, may I ask you something personal?"

"Well, you've been doing that for some time already," Angela let out a distressed laugh, "one more personal question or less won't make a difference." She inhaled deeply, having her eyes closed.

"I'm sorry if I'm causing you discomfort, Angela, but I need to know!"

"Just go ahead."

"What is it like to have a baby?"

Angela was a bit surprised about the sudden change of subject, but also grateful, for it evoked more pleasant memories than the painful time after Tony had broken off with her. She smiled, revelling in the time she had been pregnant with Jonathan.

"Aaaww, Lynnie, having a baby with the man you love is the most wonderful thing in life!"

"So Jonathan was a planned child?"

"Oh yes! Michael and I were married for two years and decided to start a family. When I found out that I was pregnant I was so happy. Of course I thought that my husband would stay home more often after our baby was born, ..." Angela sighed, "but well, he just wasn't the family man type. Contrary to your father, Lynnie. Tony's a passionate father, you're lucky to have someone like him."

"Isn't it a burden to go through pregnancy and delivery?"

"No, not at all! Well, if you suffer from complications, I guess it can be. But I had a wonderful pregnancy. Having a child grow inside of you is a life-changing experience for a woman. Your belly grows, and at a certain point you feel your baby moving inside. It brings you closer to your husband."

"But you have to go through a lot of pain delivering a baby."

"That's true, but lots of women go through this every day. It's an existential experience, and the moment you're holding your baby in your arms for the first time is simply overwhelming. You forget all the pain, there's only awe, and love, and happiness."

Lynnie stared at Angela. The way she was raving about motherhood sounded so very different from what her Mom had told her about it. She had only complained about morning sickness, back aches, labor and a persisting baby bump. It strengthened the impression that she had indeed been part of a plan, and that plan had been winning her father over.

"Sounds as if you enjoy being a Mom," Lynnie concluded.

"Yes, I do. Jonathan is the most important person in my life. I'd do everything for him."

"That's wonderful. I wished it would've been like this when I was born."

"Lynnie, it was like this when you were born," Tony took over from Angela. "I was thrilled when I first saw you. You were so beautiful. I knew that we would be getting along perfectly, and I was committed to make us become a family. It was just that things didn't go the way they were planned."

"In what way did they go?"

Tony wasn't sure whether he should tell Lynnie that Kathleen had made him abandon his friendship to Angela, because he was still embarrassed that his wife had worn the pants in their marriage.

"Your mother and I never really grew together as a couple. She pursued her career and I somehow found my task in raising you. She was away a lot and I had experience in being a single parent, I knew I could be both mother and father. We might have made it though, if ..." He stopped in the middle of the sentence, but it was too late, Lynnie's interest had already been aroused.

"If what?"

"If your mother had trusted me more." He tried to make eye contact with Angela but she avoided his look.

"Had she reason to be distrustful?"

"No. Never. All I wanted was to stay friends with Angela. I hadn't allowed myself to openly love her for so many years, I could've kept my feeling under control furthermore. But your mother ... well, ... she was very jealous and ... she demanded to break off our friendship."

"And you followed her demand without dissent?" Lynnie was stunned; her father - strong, macho Tony Micelli - being henpecked by her mother!

"Sort of," Tony admitted feebly.

"Why didn't you stand up for the woman you loved? Weren't you aware what this meant for Angela? She had nobody! You had me at least, and Mom in a way. You behaved like a wimp!"

Tony swallowed hard. If she hadn't been right, he would've refused to tolerate being called a wimp by his own daughter. But he had been a wimp! Putting their friendship on ice had been a mistake, but then again, he had made so many mistakes at that time, that he had stopped racking his brain about particular things he had done wrong. This whole phase of his life was one he'd rather shoved in the rearmost corner of his memory.

It was again Angela who helped him out here, just like on the decisive day, when he had come to her to make that difficult and painful cut. She tried to explain Lynnie what she had realized then, and that was that Tony had accepted the turn his life had taken and had only tried to make it work.

"Lynnie, don't be so hard on your father. He only tried to do the right thing. You have to see it this way, he really wanted to give his marriage a chance, and having a female best friend other than his wife might not have been helpful. I understood. He had done the same for me once, getting out of the way I mean. When Michael and I gave our marriage a second try, Tony and Samantha moved out of the house, although we had become friends already. Actually he moved out because he was my friend. And I let him put our friendship on hold because I was his friend."

Tony stared at Angela. What she had said about stepping into the background for a friend even if it broke one's own heart, had touched him to the core. A wave of gratefulness and love washed over him. Still in awe, he went over to her, cupped her face, and pressed a forceful kiss on her mouth. Not just a short, hasty touch, but a real kiss. He didn't care that his daughter was watching, all he wanted was to connect to this woman and show her how much he loved her for what she had done. It seemed as if getting through all these painful experiences hadn't pulled them apart but had bound them together even closer.

Angela was completely taken off guard. "What was that for?" she asked in a voice which revealed her surprise.

"For the wonderful person you are," Tony explained and gently stroked her cheek. Their eyes connected, and Angela could read all of Tony's emotions in there. She blushed a little because he had kissed her in front of his daughter.

Lynnie watched the two adults. They had kissed before when she had been around, but it had only been goodbye kisses on the cheek or quick pecks on the mouth. Never had they shared a meaningful kiss such as this in front of her eyes, with their tongues involved, ... at least not that they had been aware of. She had run into them a few times in a tight embrace, talking lovingly or even kissing, but had either made herself heard or had beaten a hasty retreat. She knew what it meant that her father kissed Angela now with her standing right beside them, for he usually was rather shy when it came to exchanging caresses in public - he was overwhelmed by his emotions, and he was very much in love with Angela.

"You're so cute," the girl remarked.

"Your daughter thinks you're cute, Tony!" Angela said with a smile.

"No," Lynnie clarified, "the two of you are so cute together. One can see that you love each other dearly. I was still very little when we lived together with Mom, but I've never seen you like this with her, Dad. And I've never seen Mom and one of her boyfriends looking into each others eyes like you do all the time."

As if to prove what Lynnie had just said Angela and Tony locked eyes.

"Yep, there it is!" Lynnie smiled. "I hope that I will ever be in love like this."

"Oh Lynnie," Angela went over to her and pulled her in a motherly embrace, "you have such a big heart. I'm sure that one day you'll find the right person to give it to, and you will be rewarded with being loved back the way you deserve," she told her. "You just have to be patient. True love is not easy to find."