Chapter Eleven—Never Forget

Edward

I wasn't aware of how I'd gotten home, only that whomever it was that dropped me off, tried to talk to me. It was in vain, I didn't acknowledge the person in any way.

What I was aware of, was that something inside had broken again. As if something essential to who I was, was no longer a part of me. I'd been living with the hole in my chest since Hayley's disappearance. However, I didn't understand, couldn't fathom why the pain had intensified in this magnitude.

I couldn't breathe.

I had to do something or else I'd never survive the pain. I knew I had to, for my parents, for my daughter and for myself. I knew that I had to live on, yet I needed something to take the pain away before it became too much.

Hours after I arrived home, I felt imprisoned by the walls that surrounded me. In fact, it no longer felt like my home, only cold and empty. I had to leave, so I left it with no idea of where I was heading.

It was cold, but I was only aware of the temperature because of the little white tendrils of my breath that escaped me. I felt numb, but not because of the weather. I was lost. I knew I couldn't overcome the sense of pain until I had that least piece of closure that I needed.

Bella

The lights flickered overhead, as it was his preferred method of communication. I sighed changing the channel. "Happy now, Clarence?" I asked, staring at the images of some pop diva on screen. The light flickered once as a reply.

I hated watching television, I would much rather curl up with a book. There were two reasons I was watching and it was because of the—poltergeist?—that shared my home. If he didn't like what I was watching, he'd let me know. Otherwise, he was hardly a bother—except for the occasional prank.

The other reason was that I needed a distraction. It'd been hours since my father had driven me home. I was alone. Garrett had disappeared shortly after Edward had left with his father, and for some reason, so had Jacob. The sudden bout of loneliness was oppressing, made worse by the images in my mind.

It was one thing to hear and see the dead, but being able to see through their eyes was much worse. Garrett and Jacob hadn't meant for me to see the state of Hayley's body. I had though.

"Oh, God," I sobbed, wrapping my arms around my knees as I drew them up to my chest. I feared to close my eyes, afraid of what I'd find if I did. Yet, they fluttered closed as if I had no will of my own.

Instantly, the image my mind conjured was not of Hayley's pale, cold body but of her in the light. I felt the corners of my lips lift in an unmistakable smile, tears escaping me again. This time though, they weren't tears of pain and loss, but of warmth, happiness, and love.

Nothing could ever overpower that image of her as she stepped into the light. No words could describe it, none that would do it justice. I sighed, feeling the warmth of her light surrounding me. I had to believe that everything would be fine. Edward was a permanent fixture in my life; as much as Hayley had become in the short time I heard and felt her.

I felt lighter as I allowed myself a moment to remember Hayley's laughter and her singing. A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts of those sweet memories. It had to be my father, since I knew he was worried about me.

"Clarence," I said aloud. "You need to behave yourself." A flicker of the lights told me he'd comply.

"Dad," I said as I opened the door. "You don't have to chec—"

Edward grasped the doorframe, his red-rimmed eyes on mine. He looked pale, sickly, even weak as he stood outside my front door.

"Edward," I gasped. His whole body shook as a sob escaped him. "Tell me you didn't go see her."

He nodded harshly, groaning as he pulled me into his arms. He fell against me as I tried my best to close the door behind us. His clothing was freezing, and his body shook with his mumblings and sobs.

"Damn it, Edward," I said, walking us backward, toward the living room. I sat him down in the couch directly in front of the fireplace. His head hung low as I stood back from him.

"There was a perfectly good reason why we stopped you from seeing her!" I was angry, and I had every reason to be.

He said nothing.

"Damn it, Edward!" His eyes remained unblinking as he stared at my feet. "I had seen what her body looked like through the eyes of Jacob. I never held her." I held my hand over my heart, tears filling my eyes. "I never read her a book, and I never helped her with her homework. But I fell in love with that little girl, loved her enough to know that seeing her like that would be something I'd never forget. I knew it would be a thousand times worse for you."

He moaned, reaching out for me. He nuzzled my neck, his hold on me tightening. I pushed him away, causing him to cry out again.

"No," he sobbed as he fell to his knees in front of me. I closed my eyes for a moment, struggling to calm myself. His arms wrapped around my waist, his cheeks settling just above my navel. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for not listening. I should've listened to you, to you all."

"Did you really think that we would've kept you away from her for no reason?" I just couldn't imagine what he must be feeling. It had to hurt him, be unspeakable pain. I hated to see him hurting. "You saw what it was doing to your father, for heaven's sake, Edward he is a professional and got sick!"

His arms tightened around me almost to the point where I'd bruise. I knew I was upsetting him, and after he'd seen what he seen, put I'd been trying to protect him.

"Please," he murmured, the tears from his eyes soaking through the cotton of my top. "I can't stand to have you mad at me. Please. I'm so sorry for pushing you away, for what I said."

I ran my fingers through his hair. He was so cold. My instinct to ensure his health has me moving quickly.

"How long have you been outside?" I asked, frantic when I noticed that he was in nothing but a jacket and t-shirt. Colorado winters were a three-layer requirement, and the fact he hadn't any gloves had me checking his fingers. The loss of contact had Edward grasping for me in desperation.

"I don't know," he gasped, his breathing harsh as he struggled to slow his breathing. "I left the hospital, and I don't even know how I got here. I just knew I had to see you."

"I'm pissed as hell at you," I started but softened my tone when he squeezed me harder. I sighed, knowing I had to put aside my anger and help this man. "You need to warm up, honey."

I quickly removed his coat, kneeling down in front of him. His hands never left me, grazing my sides as I settled on my knees. His tired eyes found mine as he looked up at me. My heart broke at the redness that surrounded his eyes, the tears that filled them made them impossibly bright. "I didn't want you to remember her like that."

"I didn't understand," he whispered, his hand cradling the back of my neck, while his thumb brushed away a tear. I was crying, yet my pain was incomparable to his. It was as if I could feel his tortured soul touch mine. "I just wanted to hold her hand one more time." He looked at me with sorrow and regret in his jade eyes.

"I understand that," I said softly, cradling his face in one my hands. I reached behind him, pulling a blanket off my couch. I wrapped it around his trembling body. "I know you must've seen me as someone that was taking your daughter away from you … like Kate."

"Good God, no," he said firmly, his trembling hands held my face. They felt frigid, and I wanted to take in my hands, warm them with my breath. Do something to make him feel better. "You're nothing like her—at all. You would never take something that precious from me, not like that."

"I'm sorry that we forced you, but we did it for your own good," I said, watching him as his eyes clenched shut.

"I'll n-never get that—" he started but was unable to go on. "It wasn't her lying in the morgue was it?"

"No, honey," I whispered, taking each of his cold hands in mine as an attempt to warm them. "You should've never gone there to see her."

"I had to find something, something to take the pain away," he said, wrapping his arms around me again. Slowly, he drew the blanket around us both, shifting so that we lay on the rug in front of the fire. "I thought seeing her one last time would help. It didn't."

I couldn't stand the pain in his voice, in his eyes. His face was a perfect portrait of a father's grief. Seeing Hayley's body in such a way would stay with him forever, unless she did something.

"I might be able to do something."

"Do something?" he said, looking at me in confusion. "I don't need you do anything else. You've done enough for me, for my family."

"I don't want you to stay with that last image of your daughter," I said as my hand ran over his stubble-covered jaw.

"I—there's nothing you can do," he said, his thumb caressing my cheek. Our bodies moved closer, almost eliminating all the space between us. Our legs intertwined as he shifted lower so that he could rest his head over my heart. "Are you angry with me?"

"I'm angry that you hadn't listened to me not for pushing me away," I said lowly. "I knew it'd happen eventually."

"I didn't want to be angry with you," he said after a few minutes of silence. "I just wanted to see her."

"I know." I kissed the top of his hair, as one of my hands ran over his back. "I can help."

He didn't respond for several minutes while he played with my fingers of my free hand. "How?" he asked hesitantly.

"I can show you what I saw when she crossed over," I said, tensing as he did. "It requires a lot of my energy for me to share something like that, and I've only done it once. There's a chance it might not work."

There was a chance I could regret it, too. I shook the thought from head. I was only in that coma for three days. It's not as if I could ignore the chance to stop him hurting.

I'll be fine.

Edward

I couldn't find the words to reply. I would give anything to stop seeing the image of Hayley's body after I snuck into the hospital. The chance to see her in the light was even more important to me. It would be comforting to know that where she was, she'd be all right.

I knew it wasn't my baby girl lying on the cold metal table with a tag on her toe. I had felt the very essence of her spirit move on a day earlier, yet I was compelled to see her one last time. Had to see her one last time, needed it. However, every time I closed my eyes, I saw what was left of her.

"I—I c-can't ask you to risk yourself." My voice cracked from both the emotions coursing through me, and the rawness in my throat. I was a selfish bastard for asking her to do anything more for me.

"Shh," she whispered, leaning toward me to press her lips on mine. She shifted onto her knees, gesturing for me to do the same. Once we were on our knees, she sat back on her haunches. "Now, this doesn't hurt you," she said soft as if she was worried about disturbing someone. "This She shifted upright again, cradling my face. "But it might overwhelm you emotionally."

"Bella," I said, grasping her wrists to stop her. "I don't want this if it's going to hurt you."

"I'll be fine," she said with a small shrug. "It might not work."

"All right," I replied.

"Close your eyes," she said softly. She pressed her forehead against mine, her warm breath brushing against my lips. I slowly released her wrists, my eyed closing. I ran my hands down her forearms. The soft cotton of her long sleeve was warm under my touch. She shivered slightly, likely due to the temperature of my skin.

"Edward," she whispered, the other-worldly cadence of her voice warmed me. I opened my eyes to watch her beautiful eyes close. The fluttering of her lashes casted long shadows along her cheek. "Close your eyes."

I could see the small smile at her lips. I mumbled an apology and closed my eyes again.

In an instant, all my memories of Hayley charged through me. As if I was watching her life flash through my eyes. All the late nights I changed her, fed her and watched her sleep. To the first time, I had her on a tricycle, scared that she'd skin her knee. Every memory, good and bad rushed through me. Making me laugh, groan in frustration, and cry at how fast she had grown. Through all of that, Bella held onto me. I couldn't open my eyes. I didn't want to.

I needed to see this so I could remember every detail. I wanted to tell Bella about all these memories, even the time Hayley had found a pair of scissors and hacked chucks of her hair off because Milly Burton had bangs. Bella would love to hear it, I was sure of it.

The very last memory of my baby girl was not the last I'd seen her at the mall, or in the morgue but of her. There were no words to describe that image. I felt Bella's hands slip away, but my eyes remained closed watching my daughter smile over her shoulder as she walked into the light.

When I felt my body warm, and my heart fill I opened my eyes. Bella lay against the blanket she'd use to warm me earlier, on the floor her eyes closed.

What had I done?

~oOo~

I felt better hours later, after my father reassured me that Bella would be fine. I slipped under the covers beside her in her small bed. I had to be near her. I couldn't comprehend the depth of my feelings, so soon after we met. The circumstance of her appearance in my life was another thought that should've had me turning away from her.

Instead, I gravitated toward her, not for the gift she'd given me. It was simply all of her. There was this warmth, hope, and love she emanated, that seemed to pour out of her.

Hadn't I been instantly attracted to her when I saw in among the students during my lecture? I felt the pull, the mystery of her before I'd even met her. Alice had recommended some of Bella's work, three pieces already hung in my home and office.

Reflecting on what I knew of her, I had to have in my life. I needed to know all those little details that made her who she was. She had a strength that contradicted the softness of her. I traced a finger along her jaw, brushed my thumb over her lips. How could someone so small and delicate live with such a gift? Or curse? How could she have such love, faith and hope when she was truly haunted every day?

"Edward," she murmured, her lips moving beneath the tips of my fingers. Her eyes fluttered open, closing instantly again. After a few moments, she opened only one eye to gauge my reaction.

"Don't hide your eyes from me, please," I whispered. She smiled, complying timidly, but looked everywhere but at me. I grasped her chin between my thumb and finger, pulling her face to look at me. "Don't lie to me ever again."

She nodded. "I'm sorry. I just knew how much you needed it."

"Never again," I repeated. "I'd ask you how to explain what you did, but it doesn't matter right now."

"Tell me what you saw." She smiled, shifting so she could lay her hands beneath her cheek. I mimicked her position.

"She threw up on me when I had just come out of the shower when she was a few months old."

Bella giggled, scrunching her nose.

"There was this one time we were at the store, she tugged on my pants so hard that the Garfield boxers she'd given me for Christmas one year was on display for all to see. She was four."

"Horrible," Bella snickered, her cheeks tingeing pink. I smiled at her reaction, happy to see color returning to her creamy complexion.

"That doesn't even compare to this time at a restaurant," I started and didn't stop for most of the night.

We laughed, rolled our eyes and even cried together. I told her everything, the good and the bad. She even explained what my daughter was possibly thinking when she had frustrated me to no end.

She never tired of my words, asking me questions whenever possible. I couldn't believe how much lighter I felt, even more than the day Hayley had left us. Then I thought, Hayley would never truly leave us.

She was in our hearts.