20

"Angela? Your son is here to see you." Tessa peeked into Angela's office through a small crack.

"Jonathan?"

"How many more sons do you have?"

"Uh, right." Angela put down her glasses. "Send him in."

Tessa opened the door completely and motioned Jonathan, who had been waiting in front of his mother's office, to enter. He felt awkward. He hadn't visited his mother in her office very often. As a toddler, when one nanny had quit and the next not yet started, she had taken him with her to her office at Wallace & McQuade once in a while. But after Tony had become his 'nanny' it had never been necessary.

The business woman was a side of Angela Jonathan wasn't very familiar with. He preferred the private person in her, the mother. As a kid, he had hated it when she had been so busy with work that she couldn't attend a parent-teacher conference or watch him present his latest science project in school. He had always pretended to understand, to be okay with her missing these moments. He had known that she hadn't skipped them because he wasn't important to her but because she didn't have a choice.

All of his friends' mothers had been stay-at-home-moms married to affluent husbands who secured a sizable income for the family. They had had enough free time at their disposal to bake for the cookie sale or to chaperone a field excursion. His mother had needed to paddle her own canoe; well, their canoe. Jonathan had been little when his father had left but smart and sensitive enough to notice that the mere thought of relying on Michael for financial support had given Angela sleepless nights. She had wanted to provide for the two of them and had never sued her ex-husband for child support or alimony. So Jonathan had always told her he was fine with her being a working mother, although he had sometimes wished she hadn't been.

"Hi, Mom," Jonathan greeted her.

"Hello, Sweetheart. To what do I owe the honor of your visit? I can't remember when I've seen you here the last time." Angela rose from her leather executive chair and went to meet and embrace him.

"I think it was at the 10-year anniversary of the formation of Bower Advertising. It's been a while."

"A while? That was more than five years ago!" Angela pointed out.

"I know, I know. It has simply not turned out for me to come here in the last couple of years. This is your working place, and you're my mother and not my boss. Here, you're always in a hurry, the phone keeps ringing, your mind is in business mode...You're more relaxed at home and it's more likely to get your undivided attention."

"In that case, why have you come to the lion's den?"

She sneered. Angela hated it to be reminded that she had neglected Jonathan more than once because of her work. She loved her work, and there had been years she wouldn't have been able to survive without it, but in the end, people were more important than work, and that applied most of all to her son.

"There is something I need to talk to you about. Are you free for lunch?"

"I don't know. Let me check with Tessa."

"See! That's what I mean," Jonathan replied reproachfully.

Angela grimaced and was glad to find out that her next appointment was scheduled for 4:30 pm and that she was free to take Jonathan out for lunch and maybe even a short stroll afterward.

Jonathan and Angela were sitting on a bench in the shade of a huge tree. They had opted for a quick lunch at a small place right around the corner from the agency. After that, they had walked a few blocks to the nearest park. Coincidently, it had been the same park she had been to with Tony, when she had told him that she was willing to give their friendship another try (see chapter 17 of 'Two Lives'). Neither of them had been able to foresee that they would end up as husband and wife a decade later.

Sitting on a bench in a park with her son reminded Angela of the strolls she had taken with her father when he had still been around. She had been able to talk to him about anything. He had always listened closely, had given her advice, had kissed her forehead and had concluded with the words, 'I know you'll do the right thing, Princess.' Growing up, she had missed him terribly and had asked herself more than once why life had been so cruel as to take the beloved father from a 14-year-old. Later, being a parent herself, she had to witness how her son had lost his father at a much younger age, only that Jonathan's father was still fresh as a daisy, which made it even more difficult to accept.

"Mom, what would you say if you became a grandmother?" Jonathan suddenly asked out of the blue.

Angela gasped for air, "What?"

"No, it's not that! I think I'm going to propose to Emily."

"You think?"

"I haven't had the guts yet," he shrugged a little embarrassed. "It's a big decision. What if she says no?"

"You're right, it is a big decision. But if your heart tells you that she's the one, you have to give it a shot. Waiting is not going to make it any easier. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about."

"What if she doesn't feel the way I feel?"

"You'll never know unless you ask her."

That was so easy to say and so difficult to do, Angela knew from her own experience. She could've told Tony a million times that she loved him before he had gotten involved with Kathleen, but she had remained quiet because of the same reason Jonathan was procrastinating to ask Emily to marry him: the fear of rejection. Like Jonathan, Angela hadn't been sure whether she had interpreted the signals right, she had been afraid that her feelings were stronger than the ones of her beloved, and she had waited for the other to make the first move - until it had been too late. She wanted to save Jonathan from making the same mistake, but before she could think about the right words, Jonathan dropped another bomb.

"I'd also like to adopt Alex. He's still so little, and his biological father doesn't give a shit about him. He never calls, not even on his birthday. He's only three, Mom! He needs to know that I'm really serious about him. I want us to be a family, and not only in our hearts but also for the public authorities."

Angela only smiled and stroked his cheek.

"What?" Jonathan asked.

"It seems to run in the family."

"Huh?"

"Tony wanted you to know that he really cared about you when you were little. He did all in his power to connect with you from early on, just like you are trying with Alex."

"But Tony's not my father."

"That's what I mean, Honey. You don't raise children simply with giving them your genes, you raise them with being their role model. And Tony's been the best role model about how to be a good father I can imagine."

"You're right, Mom. Dad's been always my father, but Tony's been my dad, even if I never called him that. And I want to be Alex's dad."

"You will be, I'm sure."

"And you will be his grandma."

"Grandma? Oh boy, that sounds so old," Angela narrowed her eyebrows. "I can't believe it, I sound just like Mother! She'll be a great grandmother! Ha, I bet she'll be thrilled to be called like that!" Angela chuckled.

"Are you having a problem with being Alex's grandmother?"

"Not at all, Jonathan! He's adorable!"

"He'd only be an adopted grandchild."

"There's no such thing as an only adopted child, Jonathan. Either you love a child or you don't. You of all people should know."

"I'd also like to have more children with Emily. Do you think..." he trailed off, not knowing how to put in words what he was so insecure about. He had no role model for this particular situation.

"That it would be difficult to love them all equally much? Your own children as well as your adopted child?" Angela concluded. She knew her son, and she was familiar with the situation of having a ragtag family. "No, it's not difficult, Jonathan."

"What if Tony and you had another child? Wouldn't it have been the crowning of your relationship? The ultimate joy?"

Angela closed her eyes for a moment. The way this topic made it to the surface over and over again slowly drove her crazy. But it was her son bringing it up this time, seeking advice about how to cope with a difficult situation in his life. She would not tell him that she was sick contemplating about it, that talking about it still hurt, and that she would rather brush his question aside than answering it. So she inhaled deeply, swallowed the pain, and said, "It would've been the icing on the cake, yes. And there are moments, although they have become rare, I deeply regret not having a child with Tony. But one thing is certain, it would not have taken any special position within our family. As a parent, you don't compare your children, Jonathan. Every kid is special and dear to you in their own way."

"Can you honestly say that you love Samantha, Lynnie and me equally much, Mom?"

"You bet I can! You and I have a special relationship, true, but it has nothing to do with the fact that you are the only one I carried in my womb. It's rather that it was you who made a mother of me, and that was the best thing that ever happened in my life. You are my firstborn, although you have an older sister." Angela had to smile. This particular fact had never occurred to her before. The list of peculiarities in this family seemed to have no end. "I think you always have a special relationship with your firstborn."

"Was becoming a mother even better than becoming a wife?"

"Oh yes!"

"Even Tony's wife?" Jonathan asked stubbornly, disbelieving that it could really be true.

"Yes. Giving birth is an existential experience, Jonathan. Nothing can be compared to it."

Angela was overwhelmed by her maternal emotions. She couldn't believe that her baby was on the brink of starting his own family. It seemed as if it had been yesterday that the midwife had put Jonathan in her arms with the words, 'Congratulations on a healthy little boy, Mrs. Bower.' It had been the most overwhelming moment of her life. She had been alone, Michael had been somewhere in the jungle shooting a documentary. After what had seemed endless hours of painful labor, she had been completely exhausted but when she had first seen her baby son, had first smelled his delicious newborn scent, and when his tiny hand had grabbed her index finger, she had known that she was meant to be a mother.

All her fears about whether she'd be capable to fulfill that task well enough had been blown away. All she had felt was a deep protective instinct for the helpless, innocent being in her arms, a kind of love she had never experienced before. A love that was unconditional and indefinite, without the necessity of being loved back. She knew she would do all in her power to make this boy thrive, to keep him away from hardship and pain, to give her life for him if necessary. Contrary to her expectations, she didn't need to learn to love her baby, she loved him right away. That might be the only difference between her son and her daughters. The relationship with Sam and Lynnie had slowly evolved from liking to affection and finally parental love. She had grown into being Sam's and Lynnie's mother, but she had been Jonathan's mother from the day he was born.

"Why are you smiling so dreamily, Mom?"

"Oh, I was just wandering down memory lane a bit, Sweetheart." Angela proudly looked at her grown-up son, "I love you, Jonathan. You can always count on me, I will always be there for you."

"I know, Mom, but the same applies to you. I'm not a baby anymore who needs to be looked after. I can look after you, too."

"I'm well aware of that, Jonathan. Isn't that what family is all about?"

"Yeah, it's about loving each other, caring for each other, right? Not about genes and heredity."

"Exactly. If Tony's and my wacky relationship of more than twenty years has taught you anything, it should be this!" Angela said with a satisfied smile on her face.

"Your relationship is not wacky!"

"It is! Or at least it was. We've become pretty conservative and ordinary by now, being married and having settled down."

"Mom, please, there's nothing ordinary about this family, and I'm going to carry on the tradition." Jonathan looked at Angela and took a deep breath. Then, with a lot of determination in his voice, he announced, "I'm going to propose to Emily tonight! And I'm going to tell her I want to adopt Alex!"

"Wonderful, Jonathan!" Angela shrieked and hugged him. "Let me know as soon as you can whether I'm going to be a mother-in-law and grandmother soon."

A few days later, Angela entered the living room with a big smile on her face, humming 'Chapel of Love' a little off-key.

"Are we in a good mood?" Tony asked, looking up from one of the history exams he had been grading.

"Oh yes, we are!"

"May I share?"

"We're going to be parents-in-law!" Angela announced happily.

Tony jumped off the chair. "Wow! That's fabulous! So Jonathan proposed and Emily accepted!"

"You knew he was going to ask her?" Angela was a bit surprised. She had thought that Jonathan had only confided in her.

"Not exactly. Emily and I had a conversation a few days ago. She wanted to know everything about when and how we became a family and whether I ever considered adopting Jonathan."

"Oh! So my other news, that we're going to be parents-in-law and grandparents at one dash, isn't really surprising you either!"

Angela sulked. Here she was, the bringer of wonderful news, and to Tony they weren't even news.

"So Jonathan is really planning to adopt Alex?" Tony wanted to know.

"Yes. He says his father doesn't care for him at all and he wants the three of them to be an official family. He's really fond of the little guy."

"He'll be a wonderful father to Alex. Every boy needs a male figure in his life."

"Like Jonathan needed you after Michael had vanished into nether land."

"If things had been different between us, I might've adopted him too, don't you think?" Tony pondered.

"It would've been wonderful, for sure. Although I doubt that Michael would've agreed to an adoption despite the fact that he showed up only very randomly in Jonathan's life. Don't forget how he threatened to sue me for custody."

"I don't. But don't you forget that his enthusiasm about having his son near all the time waned quickly right after Jonathan had puked on Heather's shoes in front of the altar. But I guess you're right. Anyway, no family court would've allowed me, an unmarried man, to adopt Jonathan."

"Tony, we weren't even a couple!" Angela pointed out matter-of-factly.

"But we could've been!" he insisted. "It sure felt a bit as if we were a couple. I mean sharing a hotel suite - even if we didn't share the bedroom, tucking Jonathan in together, sitting next to each other at the ceremony,..."

"You're right. Oh my, it felt so good to have you at my side. You were my rock, did you know that? I wouldn't have made it through that wedding without you."

It hadn't been easy for Angela to watch her ex-husband marry another woman. Even more so as Michael had been willing to give up his nomadic life for this woman, something which had been out of the question for him as long as he had been married to her. Although Heather represented a type of woman Angela had never wanted to be, it had hit her that he had been able to find himself a new life partner contrary to her who had still been single. Having Tony at her side, fighting with her for Jonathan, had felt as if he had been her partner. And although he had primarily been the housekeeper at the time and a world away from being romantically involved with her, he had already become a good friend and confidant.

"I realized how close Jonathan and I had already become. It felt like I was fighting for my own son."

Angela smiled. "And you psyched me up again after I started contemplating about...well,..."

"About whether Michael had found himself a better woman?" Tony finished her sentence, "Because for her he did all the things he couldn't do for you?"

"You knew what I was thinking?"

"Sure. What on earth made you believe you came off worse compared to Heather, Angela? She couldn't hold a candle to you...no matter which way you looked at it."

"She was young and beautiful, and obviously able to give Michael something I hadn't been."

"She simply massaged his ego with playing the role of Assistant to Michael Bower. You were much too intelligent and talented to do that. You've always had a personality and ambitions of your own, you've never been Mrs. Michael Bower. You were Angela Bower, an independent and self-sufficient person. I've always admired this in you."

"Until now that I'm Mrs. Anthony Micelli, I assume." Angela raised an eyebrow.

It was needless to say that he loved the sound of that name, but Tony saw Angela as being her own woman. She wasn't his adjunct but his significant other - his gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, very significant other. He sometimes asked himself whether, having their history in mind, it would've been more appropriate for him to change his name into Mr. Angela Bower. But he was a traditional Italian guy, who wanted to show the world that he was holding his protecting hand over his girl, that she was his to have and to hold. She would never be the kind of woman who fetched her husband's slippers and redecorated the house once in a while, and he had never wanted her to be such a woman. Michael had wanted her to be like that, hadn't given her credit for her professional ambitions, hadn't seen who she really was, and it had ruined their marriage. Back then in California, it had broken Tony's heart that Angela had felt inferior because her ex-husband had left her and chosen someone like Heather.

"It was too bad that you didn't see you were better off without Michael, Angela!" Tony voiced his thoughts. "Instead of contemplating what was wrong with you, you should've been glad to have gotten rid of him."

"But Tony," Angela whispered, touched by what he had said and by the firmness of his belief, "you hadn't known me very well at the time. How could you have apprehended all these things which were going through my mind? We had only been living together for how long, a year?"

"Roughly. But I already knew you well enough to see that you were hurt and terrified. Hurt by the way you had been replaced in Michael's life and terrified to lose Jonathan to the Californian way of life. I could almost hear your heart ache when you stopped by at the beach and Jonathan had so much fun with Michael and Heather and barely took notice of you."

Angela bit her lip. It had been one of the moments she had asked herself whether her career was worth having jeopardized her marriage and even more whether it was worth missing so much time with her child. She had been afraid to not only lose her husband to Heather but also her son.

"You doubted yourself," Tony went on, "that was why I told you that Michael had been an idiot having left both of you. He hadn't realized what an awesome woman he had had at his side. Or maybe he had realized that you had been way out of his league, so he took a blonde bimbo for his second wife."

Angela's heart was beating a little faster because of Tony's lovely words. For all the time he had been part of her life, he had been strengthening her self-esteem. His friendship along with his admiration had always boosted her, but the last ten years, in which he had also shown her he desired her physically, had turned her into the woman she was today. She had never been so self-secure and at peace with herself before and compared to what she was like after Michael had left her she felt like a different person.

That Angela hadn't broken down at the wedding in California could only be granted to Tony who had been there for her to lean on. "You also tried to convince me to not give up on Jonathan so easily," she remembered.

"I didn't want to lose him myself, but most of all I knew that he'd be missing you terribly once you were back home. And it would've definitely killed you. You are a mother with heart and soul, Angela. I'm well aware that I only take second billing to your son."

"Tony!"

"No, no, no! It's okay! It has to be that way. I adored you for being so unselfish, for having been willing to let Jonathan live with his father just to spare him a painful custody battle. I was glad he puked on Heather's bridal shoes. It made them come to their selfish senses and brought him back to us. Taking care for a child is not like playing with a toy you can throw in the corner once you're fed up with it. It's a life's work. Once you've asked a child to trust you and give you their heart, you can't just give it back and say, 'I don't want to care for you anymore'. Michael did it twice to Jonathan, and that is unforgivable!"

Angela smiled at Tony with watery eyes. The way he spoke revealed the level of his deep involvement at this early stage of their relationship. He had been compassionate and supportive, despite having been just the housekeeper. They had been on the road to becoming best friends and a family; Tony had not only connected with her but with Jonathan as well. If someone had asked her back then about their relationship though, she would've insisted they were employer and employee and nothing else - and so would've he.

Angela felt compelled to thank Tony for being such good a friend at Michael's wedding. She leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

"Mmmm, what was that for?"

"For your support at Michael's wedding," Angela explained.

"I see. Why haven't you thanked me like this back then? I would've let it happen." Tony grinned sheepishly.

"Well, Tony..." Angela sighed, "it was far too early for us. You know, when I kiss a man, I don't want him to let it happen,...I want him to kiss me back. Fervently. In a sensual frenzy."

"Sensual frenzy, huh? Like this?" He grabbed her and kissed her eagerly, with his hands lifting the hem of her shirt and touching her bare skin.

"Oh...uh...yes. More or less," Angela whispered weakly.

"More," Tony mumbled in between kisses, "or less?"

Finally, after Angela had regained the composure her husband's sudden emotional surge had taken away from her, she was able to tell him, "More, Tony. Definitely more! I will never get enough of your kisses. Ever!"

"Phew, Angela, that's very reassuring!" He exhaled clearly audible. "A relieved man is standing in front of you."

Angela laughed and stroked Tony's cheek. "You're so sweet, Tony."

For a moment, both made mooneyes at each other, then Tony broke the spell with coming back to their initiatory topic. "So...we have to plan another Bower wedding!"

"Didn't we just agree on that our last one was a Micelli wedding?"

"Okay, then we call it a wedding involving a person named Bower," Tony proposed. "Funny. I always thought that Sam would be the first one we'd marry off."

"Poor Sam. It might take her some time to get over the fact that her geeky stepbrother will be married earlier than she."

Angela told Tony about what Sam and she had recently talked about, that it wasn't easy for his daughter to watch so many happy people securely tied in a marriage, including her own father.

"She begrudges us our marriage?"

"No, of course not! She just misses the feeling of being loved by a man."

"But I love her!" Tony pouted.

"You're her father, that's not the same! Now don't behave like some dim-witted dork, Tony, you know what I've been trying to say. She longs for a serious, reliable romantic relationship. That's absolutely normal. At a certain age, it's difficult for a woman to wait patiently until the right guy comes along. You start to ask yourself whether you'll have to submit to a lonesome, loveless life without romance and passion whatsoever."

"Have you ever been in such a phase?"

"Sure, after Michael was gone."

"But I was there."

"Toneee, you were my housekeeper! And do I have to remind you that you waited thirteen years until you told me you loved me and another ten until you asked me to marry you?"

Tony cleared his throat.

"Sam will be alright, I'm sure," Angela continued, "She's a strong woman. Just don't be surprised if she's not exuberantly happy about Jonathan and Emily's wedding plans."

Tony was willing to leave it at that for the moment, but he made a mental note to ask Samantha about it. On the one hand, he was glad that she had a motherly confidante in Angela, whom she could pour her heart out to, on the other, he was a bit sad she hadn't come to him. At one of his last conversations with his first wife, when both had already known there wouldn't be much time left, they had talked about Sam getting married one day. It had been hard for Marie to accept that she wouldn't be able to dance at her daughter's wedding. She had screwed the promise out of Tony to set up a lavish and romantic ceremony, dressing her little girl in the most beautiful bridal gown he would be able to afford.

He had made that promise, of course, and Marie had been talking about which flowers she wanted, how big the wedding cake was supposed to be, at which chapel she thought the wedding should take place, and last but not least what kind of man she wished for her daughter to wed. It had broken Tony's heart to hear his deathly ill wife talk about things which were about to happen in the distant future without her being around anymore, but for Marie it had been as if she experienced it firsthand. So he had listened closely to her daydreams, had memorized every single detail because he had sworn to himself that Sam's wedding would exactly be the way her mother had wanted it to be. And to this very day, Tony still knew which flowers to choose and which cake to order. He had some money saved to pay for the wedding dress of Sam's dreams, as well as of her mother's, and of course for the festivities.

Tony had everything under control to comply with what Marie had wished for on her deathbed, at least so he had thought. That they could be lacking a groom one day would've never come to his mind. What was wrong with the male part of the American population? Didn't they see what a wonderful person Samantha was? They should be standing in line asking him for her hand. He had never been able to cope with his daughter being sad or miserable. He had always wanted to see her happy and carefree. It was hard to accept that this was something he couldn't do anything about. Sam had to be the architect of her own fortune, all he could do was to show her he cared.

"How do we start the planning?" he eventually asked in order to take his gloomy mind off his daughter and late wife.

"We have to call Emily's parents and see what ideas they have about the ceremony."

"They seem to be a bit conservative and uptight. I wonder what they think about their only daughter marrying into a family like ours."

"What do you mean? Jonathan is a good catch!" Angela felt her maternal instinct welling up.

"Of course he is, it's rather us they might look at censoriously."

"You and me?"

"And your Mother!"

"We're used to being looked at censoriously because of her, but why us? We're not even living in sin anymore."

"But we did. For ten years. Moreover, I'm married for the third time and you for the second, if we leave aside your little poetic episode with Brian, Brian Thomas."

Angela grimaced at the mentioning of her peccadillo when she had sponteneously married a man at the tender age of 19 just because he had written a second-class poem for her.

"Your first wife died and your second betrayed you. My husband left me and my marriage with Brian was annulled, even though a few years later than I thought. It's not that we're replacing our spouses like Hollywood celebrities."

"You don't have to defend us, Sweetheart, I know all of this. And I propose we withhold the information about you having been a bigamist," - another grimace from Angela - "but what about the non-neglectable fact that once upon a time you hired me as your live-in housekeeper?"

"I needed someone to look after my house and Jonathan, and you needed a job and a better environment for Samantha," Angela reasoned as if it had been the most natural thing in the world for a single woman with a son to accommodate a single man with a daughter.

"Just as simple as that?"

"Just as simple as that!"

"Then why are we married only for a couple of months instead of twenty years?"

"Alright, alright. Not as simple as that," Angela admitted.

"Honey, there's nothing we have to be embarrassed about, don't get me wrong. But the way Emily described her parents makes me think that they had a different kind of family in mind for their daughter. Rather the father-is-a-successful-investment-banker-and-mother-the-queen-of-charity kind of family."

"With the gray-haired grandmother sitting in an armchair by the fireplace knitting socks?"

"That's the one. A picture-perfect family as it is. Not to mention the fact that Alex's father is an unsuccessful ballplayer just like I was, only that he isn't using a bat."

"You were very successful! And if your shoulder hadn't been injured you would've made it to the Baseball Hall of Fame, Tony."

"Thanks, but I would've never met you. So, I'm glad my shoulder got injured."

They smiled at each other.

"So, what are you trying to imply? That Emily's parents could be trying to prevent the wedding?"

"No, I don't think so. But it might take some time to warm their hearts for the Robinson-Bower-Micelli-connection," Tony pointed out.

"Ah well, you managed to loosen me up, Miss Stick-in-the-butt of 1984, you'll get them to relax as well."

It was meant as a joke, and Angela had expected Tony to disagree with the description of her former self, but instead he only replied laconically, "Exactly!"

"Okay, wrong answer, Mister! No more kisses for you today, you bull in a china shop!"

Angela lifted her chin until she was able to look down on Tony. She had to stand up on her tiptoes to be able to do that. Then she panted, turned on the spot and walked her head held high away from him. But she let her hips sway seductively in the strong belief he would look after her. If he followed her, and she was pretty sure he would (men were so easy), she would make him apologize and ask for forgiveness. And if he did that right, she would give him a chance to make up for his rude remark with one of his gorgeous kisses, and maybe with even more than just kisses.