Sorry! It's been too long, especially with the way I left the last chapter. I'm actually a little nervous about posting this chapter, so please tell me what you think!
Hawkeye fell upon BJ as soon as he entered the room.
"Well?! What happened?! Is she alright? Is she ok?" BJ sighed heavily.
"Maybe you should sit down, Hawk." Hawkeye crossed his arms and glared at his friend.
"I'm fine standing up, thank you. Now give me some damn answers!" A hand pushed firmly down on his shoulder. He looked around to see Colonel Potter standing behind him. He pushed again, and Hawkeye let himself fall into the chair. "Is she alright?" He repeated brokenly. BJ picked up the fallen chair and sat opposite him.
"It was a…delicate operation. But you already knew that. Margaret is…fine, I suppose." Hawkeye frowned.
"She's alive, then, at least. Is it a serious injury?" BJ shook his head.
"Not really, Hawkeye, it's just-" Hawkeye stood up again.
"So she's ok! Did you hear, Colonel? Margaret's ok, she's absolutely…" He trailed off as he noticed Colonel Potter still staring at BJ. "You're not finished, are you?" BJ shook his head slowly. Hawkeye sat down in his chair again. "But…Margaret's fine…" Then it hit him, and he hated himself for being so stupid as to not think of it before. "Our baby," he breathed. BJ nodded, just as slowly.
"I'm really sorry, Hawkeye. We tried everything, but it was a direct hit. The bullet-" Hawkeye held up a hand to stop him.
"Please. Don't." BJ nodded again.
"Again, Hawkeye, I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine…" BJ trailed off. He looked between Hawkeye and Colonel Potter. "I'm going to go. One of the nurses should find you when Margaret wakes up." BJ stood and headed out through the doors. Potter sat down in his place
"Pierce?" Hawkeye ignored him, staring down at his hands. "Hawkeye?"
"That son of a bitch killed my child." He muttered harshly. Colonel Potter remained silent, unsure who Hawkeye was referring to. "Our baby!" He let out a painful sob. Colonel Potter tried to ignore the tears that were starting to form in his own eyes. His heart was breaking for the anguished man in front of him, and then breaking again for the unconscious woman in post-op who'd have to hear the same news.
"I don't know what to say." He responded honestly.
"It would have been beautiful." Hawkeye looked up at him, eyes filled with tears. "It would have been beautiful, and perfect, and ours." Colonel Potter reached out to place a reassuring hand on the other man's arm, but he jerked away. "Leave me alone!" He snapped. He stared at the Colonel, breathing heavily, his eyes wide. "I'm sorry…" he muttered, turning and bolting out of the office. Colonel Potter sighed, and, putting his head in his hands, finally let a night's worth of emotion come out.
Much later, it only took Colonel Potter a few seconds to guess where Hawkeye had run off to. He walked slowly out of his office and into post-op. Hawkeye was hunched over in a chair next to Margaret's cot. BJ was standing near by, talking softly to him.
"You haven't slept in almost twenty-four hours," Potter heard BJ say as he drew closer. "Come on, Hawk, just lie down for a while. Look, you can even stay in here," he pointed to the empty bed next to him. Hawkeye shook his head stiffly, his eyes never leaving Margaret. Potter stopped next to BJ.
"What's going to here, boys?" He asked. BJ turned, looking almost surprised to see him.
"Colonel, I really think Hawkeye should sleep." His eyes seemed to implore the colonel to agree with him. Potter looked over at Hawkeye.
"Well Pierce?" Hawkeye didn't move.
"I can't leave her." He didn't offer any more than that. Colonel Potter nodded slowly.
"That's fine, then." BJ stared at him, mouth open.
"But Colonel-" He began. Potter held up a hand.
"Hunnicutt, can I speak to you in my office, please?" BJ nodded reluctantly, then headed towards the door. Taking one last look at Hawkeye, Colonel Potter followed.
The two men sat opposite each other in the Colonel's office.
"Colonel, Hawkeye's exhausted. He's had a hard day, and it's only going to be worse when Margaret wakes up. He needs to sleep." Colonel Potter nodded.
"I agree. But, Hunnicutt, he's not causing any trouble. As you said, he's had a hard day. So maybe he needs to be near the woman that he loves. That seems fair enough to me." BJ shrugged. Colonel Potter sighed. "It's not just Pierce I'm worried about. Hunnicutt, if you push him like that, even if you mean well…he might end up saying things that he doesn't really mean, and those might be things that you don't need to be hearing right now." BJ nodded, understanding fully what the other man was telling him.
"Colonel…does he blame me for this?" Colonel Potter looked at him for a long time.
"Right now? I don't know." BJ laughed bitterly.
"Yeah, but long term? When he's had time to really think about it?" Colonel Potter shook his head.
"Not long term. Pierce is too good of a man to hold a grudge like that, especially when there isn't any blame." Potter held BJ's gaze for several moments, trying to convey all the meaning in his words with only his eyes.
Hawkeye sat unmoving, focusing all of his attention on the unconscious woman in front of them. He was glad BJ had finally left him alone, he thought as he lifted up the hand he was holding, absently placing a kiss on the back of it. He wasn't stupid. He knew he was tired, and he knew that he'd be absolutely no help to anyone if he didn't sleep soon. But he couldn't – wouldn't – leave Margaret's side. Someone had to be here when she woke up. She would have questions, and Hawkeye was damned if he was going to let anybody else answer them, no matter how much it would hurt him.
"Oh, Margaret…" He whispered. He pressed his face against her hand, closing his eyes. He almost jumped when he felt that same hand move, tenderly stoking his cheek. His eyes fell open. "Margaret?" Her eyes were open, watching him. "Margaret!" He cried, turning his head and pressing a kiss to her open palm before leaning over and kissing her softly on the mouth.
"Hawkeye…" she whispered. For a few seconds, Hawkeye forgot about the awful news he had to tell her, too overjoyed with finally having her back with him.
"Margaret, I was so worried! I-I thought I wasn't gonna see you again!" He felt tears roll down his cheeks. Margaret brushed them away lovingly.
"It's ok; I'm ok." He leant down and kissed her again.
"I love you," he told her, smiling.
"I love you too," she returned. And then it all came rushing back to him, and the smile slipped from his face. "What's wrong?" She asked, frowning. Hawkeye looked at her sadly, feeling for all the world like he was about to break down into sobs again.
"Margaret, I'm so sorry." Was all he could manage to say, placing a hand over her abdomen. Margaret looked like she was about to ask another question, but she stopped, instead peering down at his hand.
"The baby?" She finally asked, dreading the answer. Hawkeye shook his head.
"I'm so sorry." He repeated. He watched her warily, unsure what to expect from her, and equally unsure of how he would react to her. Would she cry, he wondered? Would she shout and scream? Would she blame Charles and BJ as he himself had come so close to doing? Would she blame him?
Her reaction turned out to be far worse than he could have anticipated. He watched as she stiffened, her eyes hardening. She lifted her head up, staring firmly at some point on the opposite wall.
"You can leave now, Captain." Hawkeye stared at her, his grief overcome by his shock.
"Wha…" He cleared his throat and tried again. "What?" Margaret still didn't look at him.
"You can leave now. There's no need for you to be here." Hawkeye shook his head.
"Don't be ridiculous, Margaret. You're here. That's need enough, as far as I'm concerned." He tried to take her hand again, but she slapped his wrist.
"Don't touch me!" She almost screamed, drawing stares from the other people in the room. Margaret returned each look with a glare. "I'm ordering you to leave me alone, Captain." She finally said. Again, Hawkeye shook his head.
"Margaret…I don't…I don't understand this…" He frowned. "I love you." Margaret finally looked at him, and Hawkeye almost flinched at the coldness he was met with.
"Be realistic, Captain. We both know that it was only ever about the baby, and now that there's no baby…" She left the sentence hanging.
"It wasn't just about you being pregnant." Hawkeye insisted. "Not for me." Margaret's expression didn't change. "Please," Hawkeye whispered, begging for the first time in his life. "Please don't do this to me. I need you. I love you."
"I don't love you, Captain. Now go." Forced to finally admit defeat, Hawkeye stood slowly, watching her carefully for any sign that she was going to change her mind. When he saw none, he turned his back and quickly left the room.
Margaret watched him go, not allowing herself to cry until the door had closed behind him. She carefully rolled onto her good side and pulled her legs up to her chest, trying her best to stifle her sobs. She desperately hoped that Hawkeye would come back and hold her. She wanted him to tell her that she was lying, and that he knew she loved him too. But she'd done too good of an acting job. She had actually convinced him that he meant nothing to her. And now…now she had nothing. Her baby, her wonderful baby, was gone, thanks to the war. And the only man she'd ever loved was gone too, except this time she only had herself to blame.
AN: I know from reviews that people were hoping for a slightly happier 5th chapter, but I'd had this planned for ages: it had to be either mother or child.