Handprints And Confidence

I did not feel like a rock anymore. In fact, I felt like a sunken stone. My body was heavy and my head felt heavier. A persistent pounding in my head woke me up. Why do I keep drinking? Oh right. Peer pressure.

"Cal?" a deep mumble came from behind me, "I did not pressure you into drinking that much firewhiskey."

Sheiße! Did I really say that out loud?

"Yes and that too." I realized James was lying next to me in the bed. I still had not opened my eyes, but I was pretty sure I was still in Gryffindor Tower.

"Sorry." I mumbled. I am not sure what I was apologizing for, but it sounded right.

"'S fine. Go back to sleep." I felt him shift under the covers.

I noticed I was lying on his arm. Despite that protest from my pounding headache, I rolled over to rest my head on his shoulder. His arm wrapped around my shoulders and his warm palm wrapped around the top of my upper arm. His thumb rubbed my shoulder, soothing me back to sleep.

"James-oh!" a voice ricocheted around in my head. I cringed and burrowed my head into James' shoulder.

"What do you need, Freddie?" my warm pillow inquired groggily. I pulled the blanket over my head to block their voices.

"I am waking you up to see if you wanted breakfast." Fred Weasley answered.

"You are an idiot." James grumbled.

"You're awake, aren't you?" I could hear the smirk in his voice.

"What do you really want?" the forest green eyed boy sighed. I groaned my displeasure at their offending voices keeping me awake.

"The girls want to play Quidditch. Let's go." the caramel skinned youth ordered, "You too, Prinzessin."

"Geh zur Hölle." I muttered into James' shoulder.

"See you there, love." Fred replied.

"You've been taking lessons from Scorpius again." I said from under the blanket.

"Most certainly." his voice came from the foot of the bed.

"Tell everyone we'll be down shortly." James started shifting under me. I made a noise of protest and the blanket was ripped away.

"Freddie!" I groaned. James just laughed at me as he slipped his arm from under my head.

"Good morning to you too, Prinzessin." he replied sweetly from the doorway.

"Verdammt!" I growled to myself as I dodged another bludger, sent over by Fred Weasley. I heard him chuckle gleefully as he raced over to deflect an angry dark ball from Hugo.

"Cal, come on! Wake up and pass the quaffle like you mean it." Molly yelled at me. I gritted my teeth and raced off after her.

Pain shot through my shoulder as, yet again, Fred knocked a bludger at me. A strangled noise squeezed past my teeth as my temper flared again. That hit made the count go up to four times that bastard had got me. I felt even shittier than when I woke up.

I heard a broom coming up behind me and I swiveled around. Roxanne looked apologetic as she kept pace with me. I blew out a frustrated breathe and continued on to make a play at the boys' hoops.

Until I heard the knock of a bat and turned to the sound. I saw the damned thing coming at me so I snatched Rox's bat. She had no idea as to what the fuck was happening, so I had to take matters into my own hands.

After I got my grip on the wooden stick, I turned my broom to the bludger and let lose my rage. I hit the ball so hard, the bat vibrated painfully in my hand, so much that I almost dropped it. But the effect was what I wanted.

Freddie readied himself to send the bludger back. As his bat connected with the annoyingly powerful ball, wood exploded into hundreds of pieces. Most of the players stopped and hovered, watching Fred stare at me with a dark look. I smirked at him in response. He motioned for me to meet him on the green. I rolled my eyes, but nodded my head in acknowledgement. I tossed Roxanne her beater's bat and angled myself for a descent.

When we touched down, Fred stomped over to me. I held my ground and braced myself for his temper.

"What the hell was that for, Manslayer?" his voice was raised, not yet yelling. I crossed my arms over my chest defensively.

"What do you mean, 'What the hell was that for?'?! You freaking know what that was for!" I snapped back.

"Obviously, I don't. So, would you be so kind as to explain it for me?" his sarcasm rubbed me the wrong way.

"Four fucking times, Fred. Four times! That is how many of your bludgers hit me. That is four times as many as you let James or Louis or Rose get hit with." I replied hotly. I heard the others land on the grass as Fred crossed his own arms over his chest.

"Are you saying you can't take the heat?" he said smugly. I had the sudden urge to smack that stupid look off his stupid face.

"No. I'm saying that it hurts and I was tired of you hurting me. So, I did something about it. What's wrong, Freddie can't take a hit from a small girl?" I morphed my face into mock concern, "Did I hurt you?" he snorted indignantly.

"Fuck off, Manslayer." he scowled at me.

"Screw you, Weasley." I threw my hands up in frustration, "Thanks to you, I now have four bruises to tend to. Care to explain why you decided to inflect them upon me?" I felt like stirring the pot this morning.

"It's a game, Manslayer! Grow a pair or get off the pitch!" this time he did yell at me. I felt my chest heat up and rage bubbled at the surface.

"Stop acting like a child and I wouldn't have to pretend to not have bigger balls than you, prick!" I yelled back.

"Quit acting like a little pussy and I will stop treating you like one!"

SMACK!

I knew hot, German blood was good for something. Smacking crude boys in the face was a good start. It was satisfying to see his skin darken in the shape of my hand. Some of the girls gasped.

"Now I only have three more to go." I growled in his face. His eyes were filled with rage and a dangerous glint. I turned around and snatched up my broom. I pushed past Rose and Lucy to make my way to the broom shed.

After I stashed my broom away, I trekked my way to the castle, my anger twisting in my gut. My pace was fast as I was fuming. I grumbled some very choice German. I did not care that he insinuated I was weak. Or that I was a pussy. I was seriously mad that he hit me four times with a damned bludger. And it was only me that was hit.

With a jolt, I realized I was acting like a brat. My acting out was uncharacteristic of me. First with the Slytherins and then again with Fred. I was always good at letting someone get the better of me unless I felt in danger. Getting hit with a bludger is not life threatening. I rolled my shoulder and moaned in pain. It was just severely annoying. I sighed as anger melted into guilt. Great, now I feel even more like shit.

I sighed as I lay in my bed. My sore muscles unwound as the soft fabric snuggled my body. I stared at my ceiling and contemplated my behavior. I knew it was inexcusable. Except those stupid sixth years. But my actions mere minutes ago needed to be answered for. I could just blame the hangover. I really wanted to blame the hangover. Actually, that would explain my words today. My head had not stopped pounding after breakfast. That would explain that mess.

The more I thought about it, the more my unusual behavior needed to be explained to me. I had started to analyze my reaction to talking so recklessly at the older and bigger students. My lack of bodily response had me puzzled. Why did I not start shaking? Why did I not start hyperventilating? Why was I so calm when my past experiences showed my aversion to holding my ground? Why have I not started perspiring at the thought of the consequences of my actions?

The questions were making my head spin. They made my eyes ache, so I closed them. The pounding in my head kept me from putting them in the back of my mind. The question marks whirled around behind my eye lids. It sounded like voices were echoing my own questions back at me. I felt like I was going insane. My time at Hogwarts was flashing at me like a movie. I watched myself on the train meeting James and Scorpius. I saw Pattinson for the first time. The friendly faces of the whole troop of girls floated in circles. Teddy's sweet smile and yellow hair vanished as the Sorting Hat hindered my vision. Seeing how angry Albus was when I refused to sit by him made my heart clench. Scorpius looking frustrated that I would not accept a paper from our Head of House brought a new wave of guilt.

But I was not shaking.

But I was not trying to catch my breathe.

But I was not sweating.

But I did not feel like throwing up my breakfast.

Why?

I heard that one word repeat over and over as I contemplated my new found feelings. Or the lack of feelings. I can understand not being nervous around James and Scorpius. They have been nothing but understanding. They always look out to make sure I am comfortable. Well, Scorpius likes to push boundaries, but he never makes me feel afraid. James' gentle handling of me whenever he knows I am a mess and needs help picking up the pieces makes up for the blonde's penchant for rough tactics.

The annoying voice replaying the word 'why' in my head calmed. I thought back over my attack in the park. I felt my scalp begin to ache at the memory of being physically pulled away from my friends. The feeling of fear as I realized I was going to be hurt in a way no one should ever be hurt washed over me. Then my knuckles could feel soft flesh being pounded under them as I made sure he would never touch me again. I made sure he would never touch a woman like that again.

The first night here at the castle replayed. I felt the fear. I also felt the frustration at being thought of nothing more than meat. I could feel Pattinson's grip ghost over my wrist as I tried walking past him. The thought of trying to make it safely to my room took over my mind. My resolve to end the uncomfortable confrontation by way of a swift and hard kick to his crotch came from my heart. The thankful feeling of being able to flee cooled the blood in my veins.

My first trip to Hogsmeade made me smile. The knowledge that I had put myself between Hugo and those awful boys made my heart swell with pride. Even through the pain of their kicks, I felt accomplished. I felt more scared sitting next to Albus for the first time than I felt being kicked around like a football. With all those pricks surrounding me, I did not show fear or terror. I had been solid.

The McLaggen incident had triggered an instinct to protect myself. I had been able to voice my protest at being asked by a slime ball to dance. The only reason he had been able to touch me was became he slinked over like a snake and ambushed me. I loved that I had been firm in my non-compliance to dance with him. Scorpius realized that I would ask for help if I needed it. When I found McLaggen trapping me in his arms, trying to drag me away from him, I responded in kind to his brutish behavior with my own brand of justice. After I picked myself up the floor, by myself, I felt solid then too. I felt confident.

CONFIDENT.

My eyes flew open. I sat up quickly and forgot my headache. I felt excitement brew in my belly. I needed James. I needed to talk to him.

So, without another thought, I dashed from my dormitory to find him.