Chapter 3 – Smiling at the Moon

I drink my coffee and eat my cake. I wait for Ianto to talk to me, but he seems distracted. I wonder for a moment if I have turned invisible, but then our daughter waves to me and I am reassured I have not actually faded away. I wave back and she grins.

"She loves you".

"She loves you too, Ianto, they both do".

"I'm never sure what they are smiling at. Sometimes they look like they are smiling at the wallpaper, or the grass, or the moon".

"I do those things; especially with the moon".

Ianto falls silent again, regarding our babies speculatively. For a moment I want to swear at him, to protest his calculating gaze. Instead I get up and go over to our little ones. Kynan waves his arms at me, which I take as an indication he has had enough of the ball pool and wants out. I grab him up and settle him on my hip. He's drooling, so I use my handkerchief to wipe his mouth clean.

One-handed, I root in the trolley bag and dig out Kynan's drinking cup, taking it to the counter to get it filled with some juice. I'd intended to plonk Kynan on a swing or something next, but he is hanging on hard. I know he'll start screaming if I try to put him down now, so I take a risk and go back to the table with him. Ianto tries his best not to grimace at the move. For him, Rompers is about getting a respite from having to handle the kids, so he is not impressed by my action.

Kynan doesn't let me down, though; he perches on my knee and sucks quietly and appreciatively on his drinking cup, ignoring his fathers. Marcus comes over from the counter and re-fills our coffee cups for us and Ianto quietly starts eating his cake.

I'm getting frustrated. I want Ianto to talk to me. I want to know what he feels about our current situation. Or maybe I don't; not if he is happy with it and wants it to continue. What if he has met someone ? My heart sinks at the very idea of it. It's been nearly four months now; is that long enough for him to find someone else ? Of course it is, Ianto is gorgeous.

I'm gorgeous too, of course, but I'm not 'looking'. Ianto is incomparable. No-one else makes my blood tingle they way he does. No-one else makes my heart and mind spark with so many ideas and visions and emotions. I suddenly realise he might think I've found someone else.

"Ianto, I haven't found anyone". It sounds wrong, stupid, the moment it's said. It makes it seem like I have been looking. "I've not been looking... I mean, I don't want anyone else... Please Yan..."

"Hush, Jack. Leave it eh ?"

"I am NOT giving up. We can fix this..."

"It's a big fix, Jack. Too big..."

"No !"

I'm trying not to sound desperate or pleading. I doubt it's working. I won't believe we can't fix this, and I am not about to let Ianto believe that either. Somehow we can get through this. If I can just think how.