A/N- well three chapters in three days. wow. plot bunny jut won't leave off even as I write despite a migraine. Male Holly and Ace will probably feature in the story at some point just not in this chapter. I still hope anybody who is reading this likes it, and what ever they think, I hope they leave a review. Flames will of course be used for smoking kippers :) There is a rather long flashback in this chapter so to make it easier to read only the first and last sentences are in Italics. Also if any characters, especially Rimmer in the flashback seems different than usual I apologise, this is A) my first fic, and B) a chapter produced under the influence of watching copious amounts of The Brittas Empire (another Chris Barrie show if you didn't know) because it showed in my recommended list on YouTube, I was curious, and I was stuck at home sick all day. If you haven't seen it, give it a whirl, it's pretty funny.

DISCLAIMER- I don't own the characters, I'm just playing with them, though if anybody wants to give them to me- YAY! Anything else you recognise isn't mine. the simulant in my mind has the face of my English teacher but you're welcome to project anybody you hate onto it. As always- to copyright lawyers looking for un-disclaimered work - Jog on my son! Get a life because Mr Flibble is very cross with you.

Chapter 3

Lister woke up the next afternoon with a thumping headache and immediately regretted having overdone it so much that even the quiet whirring of the exiting scutter sounded like the movements of a tank through an industrial amplifier. Chugging down the aspirin dry, he fought the urge to heave, holding down the tablets but knowing that one dose was never going to be enough to get rid of his monster hangover. Slowly becoming more aware he looked at the clock, he saw it was three o'clock in the afternoon- slightly earlier than his usual wake up time but not early enough to warrant him going back to bed. Feeling a light draft, the self-proclaimed space bum looked down and saw he was dressed only in a t-shirt and boxers. 'When did he undress himself?' Lister couldn't remember. Then a sudden more pressing thought entered his head and this one he couldn't help voicing aloud "where the smegging smeg are my clothes?" he shouted at Kryten who had just entered the room, hovering just inside the doorway.

Without missing a beat, clearly used to this situation, Kryten hobbled over to the cupboard and got the filthy clothes out, wishing sorely that Mr Lister had have let him wash them and also wondering why his legs hadn't fully repaired. Passing the garments to Lister, Kryten made his excuses "I'll just go and make your breakfast sir, Rogan Josh cornflakes and onion sprinkles with a glass of cooled madras sauce isn't it today." For some reason, Lister noticed, his simulated Canadian accent was always better when he'd just suffered major damage, though he supposed he could pin that to the automatic partial reset that was standard after repair operations meaning it took him a little while to fully corrupt again. "Yeah, Krytes it is, and in my quarters, never feels right being in officer rooms". After last night the android had seen more of Mr Lister's in-and-out bits than he wanted to see ever. He knew that if he was still human he sure as hell wouldn't be getting a double Polaroid because of that mental image. In fact given the small amount he knew about the flaw-filled human design, the particular image he was presented with last night should completely destroy a double Polaroid instead.

Lister quickly pulled on his clothes and walked back to his quarters, correctly assuming that the stairs would be faster than the so called xpress lifts. Walking in, with most of the charred furniture gone and the damage cleared up, it looked like nothing had really happened. The only thing in the room different was the stripped bottom bunk, the scutters having removed all trace of his ex-roommate at what was, presumably Kryten's request. Looking at himself in the mirror even Lister could tell he was a complete mess. His clothes were filthy, but then again he was fine with that, it was his appearance he was concerned about. His eyes were solemn and red ringed, looking like a conjunctivitis sufferer who had just been informed his dog was dead, not at all his bubbly self. His nose had a red tint to it, well more than a tint really, in fact it looked like one step down from Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. It also looked like he'd been chewing on his Rasta plaits again. Ugh. Lister knew if he'd started that habit again then he'd need to start showering. He'd even have to. Wash. His. Hair. As soon as the thought of what happened last time entered his head, he grimaced severely. 'How did I manage to get space mumps from chewing on me hair?" He asked himself, but he had managed to get space mumps from his nocturnal habit and he had no intention of getting it again.

The android entered the room carrying a tray with Lister's favourite breakfast and with the Cat in tow. "Hey monkey boy you look like a mess, you must be feeling better" Cat screeched as he pirouetted into the centre of the room. The scouser inwardly groaned, in normal situations when he wasn't apocalyptically hungover, he would swing for the Cat. He needed to learn to watch his mouth. But on this occasion he was hungover and he was a mess so he let it go for now. Digging into his special meal Lister finally broached the subject of the elephant in the room. "Kryten, what really happened in the blast?" The Cat smiled, that feral grin of his, and opened his mouth as if to say something but was elbowed in the stomach by Kryten before he could say something, which was undoubtedly offensive and less than helpful. When the mechanoid finally spoke, it was in a cautious voice as if he didn't want to say anything that would upset the closest thing he had to a master, despite the subject of what he was talking about. "Sir, you know what happened, there was an explosion in your room and then, well, we all know what happened". The hedging and essentially useless answer annoyed Lister, but he decided to give Kryten another chance before he engineered an introduction of the mechanoid to the business end of a lump hammer. "No, Krytes what really happened?" Kryten took an unnecessary sigh before speaking "Well Mr Lister, sir, as I'm sure you'll remember it all started when you wanted to take a trip to that simulant ship…"

Flashback

"Hey Cat man can you smell anything fishy about that derelict?" Lister asked as they approached a threatening looking chunk of black metal, what was clearly once a simulant ship. Both Kryten and Cat replied it was clear at the same time. Seeing an opportunity to pick up more supplies, Lister yelled excitedly "right we're going in, getting supplies". Rimmer, who up until now had been surprisingly quiet chose to input his entirely unwanted penny's worth into the conversation "No we're not, smeg for brains and I'll tell you why. That is a simulant ship. Where there is a simulant ship, there are simulants and I don't want to face another one, ever, it's not even like we need anything and I can just tell something bad is going to happen." He was wearing that gormless look that was almost always painted on his face with just a hint of humour visible underneath and the always present glint of cowardice in his eyes. Kryten chipped in too "he's right sir, we don't need to stop for supplies I suggest we pass it by."

Soon, despite all their protestations the boys were on Starbug where Lister set a course for the other ship regardless and only half an hour after setting off they were docked with the imposing vessel. As they were opening the airlock Kryten spoke in a surprisingly alarmed tone "Sirs, I hate to say this to you but we aren't alone on the ship, I can only guess we didn't see it before because the signal is so weak, the simulant is on its way out". Rimmer made some more scared and harassed noises that went by largely ignored and Cat received a look that could kill from Lister who was more than a little annoyed by the fact his 'famous' nose hadn't picked the rogue mutant up.

They were careful, well more so than usual with Rimmer of all people standing guard with a bazookoid as they transferred crates of everything from toilet paper to total immersion video games onto their ship. It had creeped Lister out that the hologram had volunteered but then, he had been acting strangely for a while now since the incident with the emohawk and personally Lister believed that Rimmer's cowardice hadn't all returned, leaving just a smidge of Ace in the man's coding. However looking at Ace and then at Rimmer you really couldn't believe that they were one in the same or even that there was a bit of one within the other. Even with this extra care no one noticed the half-dead simulant who crawled onto Starbug and hid in the same equipment cupboard where Lister's guitar and the entire supply of pot noodles was stashed to keep both away from the wrong hands who might want to inflict evil with them. Especially the pot noodles.

Once they had finally filled Starbug's rear section with crates they returned to Red Dwarf quickly unpacking and at Rimmer and Krytens' insistence stowed everything in the proper position to fit with the ship's cargo manifest. Whilst they were doing this the simulant crawled back out of the cupboard and around the ship until he found somewhere where the humanoids frequented to leave his farewell present. He knew he was dying, had less than an hour to live but he was going to take out some more scum before he did so, or his name was not Killer 10010011R (he was proud of admitting the R stood for Ruthless) and so set the bomb in the microwave of the sleeping quarters.

When the foursome returned from packing the goods away hours later they were greeted by the body of a dead simulant in the doorway. Reasoning that this was the weak life sign they had found before they thought nothing of it and just shoved him into the waste disposal system, no more and no less than a simulant deserved. It was ten minutes later when Rimmer felt the disturbance of the microwave in his light bee, causing him to glitch glowing transparent and then translucent right the way through the rainbow before fizzling out for a moment as he got used to the leaking waves. "Listy, if this is one of your kebabs again, I'll smegging kill you. I'll bet you anything it's one of your smegging kebabs you goit". Lister was pretty sure he hadn't been making any Diablos recently so he took the bet, confident he if he played his cards right he could make Rimmer's life hell for at least a week on this alone. "Go on then you Ionian Smeghead, check then!"

Rimmer slowly and carefully tip toed over towards the microwave looking at the window on the front and listen to the sounds of electrical arcing coming from his light bee as the radiation levels in his immediate vicinity increased and from the microwave itself. Looking through the glass he could see a red flashing light the distance between flashes decreasing rapidly. Even Rimmer chairman of the extreme cowardice award knew what this was, yet he knew he had to warn the others. He stammered over the words "Ttt-that's nnnot a kkebab" then taking a deep breath to get as much power as possible behind his next word "DOWN!" Lister dropped to the floor, feeling rather than seeing the others joining him, and then, the world went yellow, then orange, then finally black.

Flashback ends

Lister had not listened to Kryten's voice since a few words in when it triggered the memories of the day to be replayed in his mind. It therefore took him a few seconds to realise that the 'droid was asking him a question. He focused in on the noise as he grounded himself again until he could he it clearly "Sir, Mr Lister, Sir are you all right, you've been sitting there for while unresponsive, are you with us Sir?" Lister, unwilling to formulate a real answer around the lump of guilt lodged in his throat rasped out "fine" before crawling into his bunk and picking up a comic.

a/n- To the person I showed the first chapter of this fic to before I put on here to see if it was decent: I know you don't watch RD but I hope this answers some questions. Please everybody read and review because I feel like hell right now and I could use some feedback of any kind just so I don't have to worry about how you guys find these chapters. All that's left to say to my readers is HAVE A NICE DAY!