a/n sorry for the unplanned hiatus, I had my last few exams and then my muse died. I have resurrected it as a hologram but its a soft light one so its not brilliantly useful. i'm not really pleased with this chapter so if it seems a bit rubbish please tell me how I can improve it. this will probably be the penultimate chapter unless another fic bunny pops up. please red and review. the next chapter (no promises) should be up with in the week as I have already started to write it.
I think I may be becoming a bit of an accidental kryten/ lister shipper, if you are wearing very rose tinted glasses you may see some very light shippery right here. sorry in advance for that. I promise it is still safe to read if you aren't into it as it is so vague it could be Ed Milliband's answer to a question about his campaign. The rest of this chapter is about as intelligible as one of Boris Johnson's answers to the state of anything. (oh, uh, buses, bike, all the chocolate hobnobs, benadicta illigitimus porcus guilla)
DISCLAIMER: if you recognise it I do not own it. in fact at the moment I can't even watch red dwarf at the moment so this is my one outlet. well actually I can watch it but only in black and white as my DVD player is on the blink.
Less than an hour later, in some bizarre form of coincidence, two of the unconscious occupants of Red Dwarf woke up at the exact same time. Both knew there was something important going down and from the moment they had first fluttered their eyes open there was a race going on. Kryten had just come back online and was meandering down to the medibay to check on Mr Lister and to break the news gently- that it was time to say goodbye. And then, if all went well and he was able to panel beat his head back into shape, tell him that he had to go dry for a month. If he didn't then Kryten would be presiding over yet another funeral and he did not like doing them. Cirrhosis or alcohol poisoning- it didn't matter, if he didn't stop drinking then he would die for sure, and Kryten could not bear losing another master. There was no such thing as human heaven, they just died. There was no need for one since they got all their rewards on this plane of existence, and the service droid could not bear losing Mr Lister to that horrible empty void.
The mechanoid told himself he was doing it for the human's own good, because he cared about Lister. Lister, to his own credit was trying not to release every foul expression he'd ever heard when he felt his head ache- he didn't know what had made him want to get this rat-arsed but- oh. Everything came flooding back with disturbing clarity. When before he was about to pledge never to take a drink again, he now wanted to crawl inside the bottle and never come out. Disturbingly Lister also felt like something had been rammed down his throat, and there was something sticky on his cheek. If it wasn't for the fact he was the last human alive, and that he was in the medibay, he would really have been worried.
Kryten carried the light bee canister with him, wary of what would happen if that Judas got hold of the contents. The mechanoid felt truly betrayed, he had liked Ace, offered to help him. And yet this man wasn't Ace, and had besmirched the name, the face, the fur lined gold flight suit in the name of power. Even this imposter couldn't quite besmirch the wig, it did that itself. Kryten had never thought he'd see a man more cowardly than the hologram from this dimension- but this imposter made him look even more of a hero than he had eventually proved to be. First he braved sharing a room with Lister- something not even Kryten could stand even with his tolerance chip and low sense of smell, then he walked up to the microwave knowing that the electronic interference could wipe his disc, and he had chosen to warn them of the danger as opposed to running off like a whippet with a jet engine up its backside. Maybe, Kryten entertained an idle thought for a second whilst in the Xpress lift, he wasn't a coward but a late bloomer. Well whatever it was he had been, he was a very late one now.
In his own ship, the current Ace Rimmer groaned as he woke up and tried to lever himself into a standing position, almost immediately regretting it and falling back down again. The face, the voice are they real? A voice deep inside his head asked but he was afraid to check. He hadn't fainted in months, not since he'd stopped listening to the computer and started picking his own, sensibly safe missions. Taking a deep breath to steel himself against the horror that he may see if he looked up, he checked. And saw it. Oh smeg! It was real! That voice whispered sounding scared. "I have to get out of here" Ace thought to himself "but how?" he concentrated hard, but nothing came to mind and this time the obviously barmy computer wasn't helping him. You're on your own buddy! The voice chirped cheerfully, and promptly disappeared. Oh well, he could always just work it out as he went along. Keeping his priorities straight was important so he pocketed the light bee ready for quick deployment when he needed it. Then, he picked up a pair of guns- pulsar pistols- about the size of a Sig Sauer but about 800 times worse, just to settle any… differences… that may threaten the execution of his plan.
Driven even further into the realm of insanity by fear, funny thoughts started stewing in his head. It was funny how when you're scared you think of the most random things, he noted in one of his last lucid moments. At this moment he was wondering what he should call himself since he so obviously wasn't Ace. Arnold was out, too boring, Captain A.J Rimmer was out- it was the daydreamed space adventure self he'd retreated to in school. Then he had it Judas! Powerful, strong, a name people would never forget and it just screamed 'I'm BAD'. And he'd always loved it when people accused him of betraying them- because he could just shrug and calmly say "Judas is my middle name."
Getting back to the task in hand he started working out how to escape. First he pressed every button and flicked every switch on the overcrowded dashboard, but since none of them did anything he assumed the computer had disconnected them. Next he clambered onto the chair and pushed firmly with all his might against the glass cockpit canopy and the seals- unable to feel any give in either of them. Reassuring build quality but not exactly any use to him now. Just for the hell of it he sat almost upside down arching his back and tried to lever the cockpit open using his overly long legs- still no give. If he was to get out of this box, he'd have…to…think…outside…the…box. "But that is not a problem for the greatest evil mastermind this dimension has ever seen: Judas Rimmer" he told himself.
Holly and Victor(ia) were both watching the odd movements and the ever increasing madness of the single occupants and laughing. He was currently pacing around in circles like a caged tiger looking for a weak spot. "At this rate he'll never get out" the Wildfire's computer giggled out, "no" Holly agreed "but it's damn entertaining!" stealing back his box of simulated popcorn. Whilst it was definitely entertaining, they were right about that, both the super intelligent computers had made one fundamental error: never underestimate a mad man. Judas Rimmer would get out, and when he did there would be trouble.
Cat was wandering the decks, having decided to forgo his nap after feeling very horny- he really had to stop thinking about finding ladies on board. Now he was roller skating through the decks with a loudspeaker in his hands- something he hadn't done in a while. He was wearing a raspberry suit with white shoes, and a whit ruffled shirt to bring out the glow in his dark complexion whilst the thin black bow tie contrasted the bright whit of his teeth nicely. He knew there was no lady cats aboard the 'Dwarf but he could still make it a very good PSA. He had a can of pheromones in his other hand and was spraying as he skated for maximum claiming coverage. He was also singing, "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts" he crooned- all in all a sight that would make even the strictest of the strict- PE teachers- laugh.
After doing a lap of the floor he was currently on, he was slightly depressed. No lady cats- not even one. And he knew he needed five or six to feel satisfied. He'd wasted all this effort on them and they weren't anywhere to be seen. Selfish creatures. However he couldn't get himself too down, because he had managed to claim an entire floor, minus one room that smelled funky and he hadn't wanted. It had smelt like the monkey- but worse. Cat hadn't even known that was possible. But the Cat also had a dilemma- he was still horny, but now he was hungry as well. Kitty time or food? Kitty time or food? But it could never be said Cat wasn't a felis sapiens who couldn't compromise. First find a small cupboard for some alone time, then get changed and go and find the monkey for some food. He never really bothered with the dispensers. Especially since monkey boy was too drunk to fix them after he smashed them about, Kryten didn't get along with them and floating head was busy dealing with something that Cat didn't really care about. For the first time, he found himself missing goalpost head. Well not really missing him, but missing the fact that he never let the dispensers get in this shape, so Cat could always get food. Now he had to walk all the way to the medibay to get the monkey to bring him some krispies.
Satisfied that he had a plan, Cat went off to put it into practise.
Lister was still moaning and groaning his headache when Kryten walked in. He was pale, and still had a line of sticky grey charcoal down his cheek and on his chin. Furthermore he still looked morosely drunk, which Kryten had hoped to avoid. 'But then again' the mechanoid said to himself 'what were you expecting, the chirpy smiley master you know and love?' Kryten was somewhat disturbed that the answer was yes. Obviously his realism, tact and logic chips all needed recalibration. Either that or had broken his programming even more than he thought he had.
Sending a quick prayer up to the silicon saints, so quick he didn't even bother putting it in binary, Kryten walked in to the medibay. "What the smeg smegging happened to me last night Kryters?" Lister asked his voice raspy from the stomach pump. Kryten flinched. Truth time, because he still couldn't lie convincingly, when he lied his right leg still jiggled worse that Mr Rimmer's did after he'd had those amphetamine pills Lister had told him were a legal learning drug with no side effects. Great, he was worse than a dead person with every nervous tic known to man.
"Well sir" he began, and then quickly stalled as he didn't know what to say. He decided honesty was the best policy "Mr Lister, you overdid it last night and we had to pump your stomach to stop alcohol poisoning." Kryten was shocked to note the relief on Lister's face when he mentioned the stomach pump, not knowing that it answered a question Lister had been afraid to ask. Nervous, the mechanoid picked up a tissue and cleaned the charcoal of Lister's squirming face, ignoring his protests to "gerrof, I'm a grown man". Time to drop the next bombshell, Kryten thought wryly.
"Sir, I've talked to great extent with Holly and the medical computer and we have come to the conclusion that it would be best if you were to stay off the alcohol for the next thirty days" He said quickly and with that 'I'm going to get punched' look on his face. "you wha'" Lister groaned his accent especially strong "I'm not going dry man, no way" Kryten steeled himself for the blow he was almost certain was coming. But it didn't. "You can try getting drunk again sir, but you won't find any alcohol to imbibe on this ship" Lister smiled and looked like at him like it was a personal challenge. Oh dear. "I'm sure Ace has got some good booze" Lister grunted. And now, lying time. Kryten could not tell Lister the truth. Not about this. Putting energy reserves he was unaware he had into not jiggling as he said it, he replied "Mr Ace had to leave sir, he gave his regrets but mentioned an emergency a few dimensions over that had just come to his attention, something about a pleasure GELF princess in distress" the mechanoid hoped it sounded 'classically Ace' enough to be believed, and by the defeated look Lister was giving him he was pretty sure it had been.
And now for the final 'dambuster' bomb, he thought as he relaxed enough to say it. "Sir, we're having the funeral in a couple of hours, it would be best if you were there." Disbelief flitted over Lister's face as he replied, "what funeral? Hang on how can you have a funeral without a light bee, I've got it right here" he poked at his pocket, and Kryten saw the panicked anger the moment Lister realised it was missing. "How did you get it, we've got to keep it, we've got to fix him" the scouser spoke quickly. "I got it whilst you were paralytic drunk, or as you call it 'nicely drunk' sir" Kryten replied "and the radiation it was giving off would kill you, he's gone and according to my grief protocols a funeral is necessary to help you move on." He could see a smidgen of betrayal on his master's face before Lister finally sighed and slowly replied "ok, we'll have the smegging funeral but I won't be happy about it- and for his bravery we make him an officer". Kryten smiled, Lister did not know that he had the exact same idea.
Judas, as he was now, paced around the tiny quarters one more time before something on the worktable caught his eye. 'Of course!' he thought 'the plasma cutter!' he wasn't sure how he missed it, used as it was for trimming metal pieces to repair wildfire, it would be able to cut through that same metal to escape from his prison. Picking it up, he smiled evilly and turned it knowing if all went well he would be free within half an hour, and then who knows?
The Wildfire's computer screamed at the first unexpected cut of the laser saw. Her sensors worked like pain receptors in humans, alerting her to any damage. She hadn't been expecting the blow and she lost her concentration, returning her face and voice to factory standards. But her prisoner was long past the point where he would have actually noticed, and he continued cutting oblivious to it all. "Warn them!" she yelled at Holly who was too shocked at her cried of pain to respond. But he saw in her eyes, the urgency of the situation and went off to find them. It truly was a matter of life or death.
a/n sorry if that's being a bit evil, but there had to be a cliff hanger in there somewhere. I promise I will try and be nice and put the next piece up nice and soon that is if anyone is still reading this bugger of a story. please please review- I like reviews they make me so happy.