a/n- so this is it the final chapter- there will be an epilogue still to come to explain plot lines left open, and will be coming ASAP. the epilogues will probably be a chapter of semi linking short drabbles rather than a conventional chapter.
There is bit of gore in this chapter but its mostly harmless. I bet you weren't expecting this today when I said it could be up to a week. the eagle eyed among you may have noticed that I published my first slash story Moments, and then took it down. that is because I accidently posted it on here half finished. sorry. One of the jokes I have the Barron Knights to thank for, so thank you.
Disclaimer: I know Nothing. wait wrong disclaimer. I don't own anything, I own nothing at all. I can't even watch Red Dwarf in colour right now. If I owned RD would I really have that problem, I would have a new dvd player. also slash would be cannon.
Kryten was leading the modest funeral service himself, joined by Lister, who had found Cat and dragged him bodily along with them, and two scutters. One of the scutters, Bob was there on Lister's orders, and was moving as slowly as it could to make things difficult, whilst. The other, nicknamed Mad Max had actually liked Rimmer for reasons no one quite understood and was moving with genuine grief, his clawed head bowed. Or at least what appeared to be genuine grief for scutters.
Suddenly the red alert lights were flashing and the sirens were playing the red dwarf shuffle or the 'awooga waltz'. Lister felt it was a fitting end for the man who insisted on endless drills, simply Holly's idea of a good send-off jape. At least it covered up the god awful noise Kryten was playing through his interactive panel as they walked. It was Hammond Organ music, what sounded like A Whiter Shade of Pale, obviously what the mechanoid thought Rimmer would appreciate this time around.
Holly popped onto a nearby view screen, startling the procession, who hadn't seen him for a while. "Kryten" he shouted, not bothering with his usual jocular greeting "he's got out, this is not a drill, and you have to do it now." Lister looked puzzled, not having a clue what any of this meant having slept through the crisis. "Do what now? Who's got out? Did we find another simulant?" He asked, feeling completely left out of the loop. Kryten ignored him, "come on sir, we have to go now, down to the pod launcher." He implored, trying to covey the urgency but not the dangerousness of the situation and failing miserably. Waiting a second and then seeing the scouser was not going to move he got the scutters to take the Cat along, whilst he dragged Lister into the express lift down to the launcher decks, just above the cargo decks.
Judas remembered with abilities afforded only to the truly insane exactly where they were going to have the funeral and knew from his time on his own Red Dwarf, the quickest way to get to the pod launchers. He remembered since in his own dimension, that's where they had kept their raided escape pods, ready for deployment. It didn't require much effort to use the plasma cutter to create a six foot two inch hole in thin aluminium alloy bulkheads, and so he was quickly through and running towards the cargo lifts which could make up some lost time, by now surely someone would have realised what the red alert signified. Sodding computers he'd deal with them later, he thought, as he ran towards the promise of a confrontation.
The cargo lift was quick and within ten minutes he had climbed the 35 floors up to the pod launcher room and was waiting for his opponents. He saw with some disgust he was still wearing the fur trimmed gold flight suit of the Space Corps Special Branch, a symbol of a hero, an SCM. He was no hero. He was a villain. He was the best villain the multiverse had ever seen. There was absolutely nothing he could do about the outfit at that moment though "beggars can't be choosers" he whispered quietly to the empty air. Needs must as the devil drives, his mother had used to say. He had always hated his mother. He hated her primness, he hated her disapproval, he hated the fact she was shagging every man on Jupiter's moons, and if he was being honest with himself, he hated that she had never approved of him. But there was no time to ponder Freudian psychology when his prey could almost be here already, he had to find somewhere to hide. He looked around, quickly selecting a storage crate he could hide behind where he would be able to see the enemy but they wouldn't be able to see him.
And then the express lift doors opened with a soft hiss of air, delivering his victims and he was ready for them. Ready to grab, ready to fight, ready to even kill if necessary. He was no longer sure why he wanted the hologrammatic disc so badly, but he knew he wanted it, and he suspected it was to do with the light bee in his pocket. He couldn't be sure, but if he was a betting man he was sure he would put the vast majority of his ample savings on it having something to do with the small, home-made light bee tucked into his chest pocket.
Kryten led the group, Cat and Lister now walking on their own power out of the lift, and onto the gantry for the short journey to the pod launcher which Holly had pre-primed because of the danger. All he had to do was drop it in and it would be shot off when he pressed the red 'deploy' button. Holly didn't have any cameras in this area so he couldn't tell them whether the imposter was here or not, but he was '90% sure' their enemy wasn't. To be honest Kryten couldn't see why of all the upgrades they had given the dwarf since they started drifting they had never fitted any, but then it wasn't usually a matter of life or death.
"What is all this Krytes?" asked Lister, who was now so confused by the mechanoid's behaviour that he was wondering whether they should have kept Hudson 10 instead of killing him through metaphysical turmoil. "Well Mr Lister, sir, err basically, the man you think is Ace Rimmer is not. In fact, I believe him to be a simulant pretending to be Mr Ace, but I cannot get a psi-scan reading in order to confirm it. We cannot let him get Mr Rimmer's light bee which he wants for some, probably nefarious, reason." To be honest hearing this did not fill Lister in any. Kryten had a way of making things that sounded really complicated sound even more complicated. "If we get rid of the light bee sir, then maybe he will go away." Kryten continued, oblivious to the confusion, he knew it was unlikely, but even androids were entitled to hope and dream.
"We are gathered here today" Kryten began, unsure of how to start, this being his first funeral and all "to say goodbye to and to celebrate the life of honorary astronavigation officer Arnold Judas Rimmer, who gave his existence to save our lives. And who showed his true colours when they were needed most. It is written in the Bible, John 15:13 in fact, that greater love hath no man than he that lay down his life for his friends, and this was true. He showed that he was willing to die for us, and that is the act of a truly brave man and good friend. For much of his life we did not give him the credit he deserved but he showed that he was indeed a hero." He stopped, partially because he didn't know what else to say, but also because he didn't want to lay it on too thick. "Mr Lister do you have anything to say?" Lister shook his head, and Cat grinned but Kryten wasn't stupid enough to let him say a eulogy. Just as he stooped down to deposit the small yellow chamber in the tube that would fire it into space and take it to the galactic resting place for the dead, he heard the unmistakeable click of the arming hammer being pulled on a pulsar pistol. Oh dear.
Lister watched as a man who looked like Ace pulled a gun on Kryten, not even giving him the chance to warn the mechanoid. "Give me the bee" the man hissed, his voice too deep to be his Rimmer's (he was sure Rimmer's voice had never broken, especially as it crackled when he got annoyed) but too gravelly to be the real Ace's whose voice was a smooth as silk, too sinister as well. The Hologram had always sounded scared, manic even, and the hero always sounded just damn friendly. This thing probably was a simulant, Lister decided, or some other imposter with his own agenda. The scouser watched and screamed as he saw Kryten refuse and go to put the bee in the tube, but was shot for his troubles. It was an arm wound, not deadly for the mechanoid but it left his right arm a mess of charred plastisteel and sparking wires. One minute it had been there and now it wasn't. The canister simply dropped to the floor, as if in slow motion and then rolled towards the attacker who scooped it up with his free hand. He was still pointing the gun at them, its deadly power having been shown to great effect.
With a mad and slightly evil looking grin, the imposter screwed the top off of the yellow container and pulled out the first part of the bee. Evidently that wasn't what he was looking for- he threw it behind him, a clang marking where it smacked into a bulkhead. He plucked something that Lister couldn't see from the second fragment and then threw that and the canister over the ledge where it fell for a few seconds before a more resounding clang was heard. It was a long way down.
The mad man drew something from his pocket, something that looked like a light bee and Lister realised he'd probably taken the disc from the old one. He slipped what was indeed a disc into the light bee and held it in the palm of his hands, grinning even more maniacally as he addressed them "and now I can get out of this life". The stranger, because Lister really couldn't say he knew this thing wearing Ace's (and Rimmer's) face, clicked the button on top of the light bee that turned it on. Lister watched amazed as the bee revolved quickly and built the figure of a man. As many times as he had seen it, Lister was always amazed at the light show that was booting up a hologram. And within seconds he was fully formed, and he opened his eyes. He was in soft light mode and as soon as he was aware, Lister thought, he would kill the intruder who hadn't quite moved his hand out of Rimmer's projection. Lister knew, from his own experiences, just how much Rimmer hated being touched, but having a hand stuck through him, that would probably be infinitely for all those involved.
Seconds later Lister was proved right yet again, one more correct prediction and he was going to call himself Nostradamus II. "What the smeg are you doing holding my light bee you goit!" Rimmer yelled with even more anger than he usually mustered. Ace's imposter still had his hand stuck through the holograms chest as he had booted up in his red tunic, soft light mode leaving him free to be poked through. The sight of a hand in Rimmer's chest as he pulsed in and out of opaqueness was something that made Lister queasy every time so he usually threw the bee and let him boot up in mid-air, but this imposter obviously didn't realise the way the bee worked in his more than a little insane state.
The shock of the hologram shouting at him made Judas release the bee and so Lister stopped feeling quite so sick, touching someone's light bee was like touching someone's heart- it was disgusting. Rimmer-the hologram, flipped to hard light blue whilst "Ace"- the human, jumped back. Lister saw a rising anger in the hologram as he realise who had been touching his bee, and who had been stopping him switching to hard light before. The only person who hated bee touching more than Lister was Rimmer himself, and it usually caused a red mist to fall over the hologram. This was one of those occasions by all accounts as he balled his fists and yelled "You! When I first met you I wanted to kill you, but I couldn't because I couldn't touch you, now you poof, I don't have anything stopping me." Obviously, Rimmer thought this was the real Ace, but if that's what it took to give him a chance to vent, Lister wasn't going to stop him. With the holograms super human strength he could stop the danger to all of them with one punch.
The real, hologrammatic Rimmer, not being used to fighting, telegraphed his punch, showing exactly where it was going to land and the visitor avoided it easily. The fist just glanced harmlessly off the side of his head, taking his wig off. For a moment the two just looked absently at each other glaring daggers as they saw their own face. Then as quickly as it had all stopped, it started once again. The two were grappling, exchanging blows so fast Lister couldn't see who was who. Punching, kicking, biting and screaming all turning into a blur punctuated with yells of pain and a multitude of vocabulary Lister was only sure were swear words because of the way they were said. Lister considered himself the king of the foul-mouthed when he wanted to be, so he was guessing the new words were from a Jovian dialect because the thought of Rimmer knowing more expletives than him was simply laughable.
The fighting was taking them ever closer to the gangway edge, and the huge drop from the ledge. Then suddenly a kick from the hologram, ended it all by pushing the human off the side, screaming as he went. For a second Lister almost cheered even though the thought of being happy with death was unlike him, before he saw the momentum of the kick drawing the hologram over the edge along with his companion. Then, two sickening thumps as they hit the landing bay floor thirty five floors below, and even Lister could tell there was no hope for either of them. For a few glorious seconds Lister had thought everything was going to go back to the way they were before, with all four boys from the dwarf, but it looked like they were going to have a funeral, or two, anyway.
Lister rushed down to the landing bay using the cargo lift, along with Kryten and Cat, after Kryten dragged him. He was almost afraid of what he'd find. Even Lister, who generally thought of himself as having a strong stomach did not want to see what a human or even simulant looked like after a thirty five storey drop, and he had a feeling there wouldn't be much of the new light bee left.
Stepping off the lift he saw a flattened piece of yellow metal, presumably the light bee canister Rimmer's broken old bee had been in. A couple of scutters, not the ones who had accompanied them to the funeral, were cleaning up the mess of what was the intruder's body. Judging by the bits Lister could see, and wished he couldn't, the man had indeed been human. But an evil Ace just didn't compute. He was a hero, not a villain. But Lister had more important things on his mind, and he looked for something that would be hard to see, even if it had survived the drop in the first place.
He stopped and looked around slowly pivoting a full circle. Forwards, grey bulkheads and landing bay doors. In the distance he could just see the sleek hull of the wildfire in the vessel storage bay. How had the imposter got the ship and suit? Had he killed the real space hero? Had he left him stranded on a desolate moon? Lister thought that he would have to ask the ship's computer, once this mess was all sorted out. Holly had mentioned she was pretty friendly. To his right scutters scooping up… stuff. To his left, a few storage crates, Kryten (arm still smoking) and the Cat, as well as Bob and the now completely inconsolable Mad Max- Rimmer's one friend on the scutter team. A few days ago Lister probably would have said, Rimmer's only friend, but things had changed. Behind him, the cargo lift he had come down on, and more grey bulkheads this time with a couple of inset doors. No light bee. No bee, light or otherwise.
Lister realised with a heavy heart that he would probably never find it. Even if it did survive the massive fall, which was unlikely, it was small enough that it probably could have rolled underneath any number of things in the landing bay. To help matters the bee was dull grey metal, an easy colour to see in the dull grey metal of the ship, especially as dimly lit as it was. It was futile but he could not stop until he found it, or until he was forcibly stopped from his search. He sighed and stood stock still for a couple of minutes, thinking so hard about where to even start looking that he did not even notice the scutter banging its claw against his arm in an effort to get his attention.
When lister finally did realise the scutter was there, he was amazed and overjoyed to see the intact light bee held within its clawed hand. It was covered in some kind of slimy pinkish ooze, which he didn't even want to think about, but he picked it up anyway. Rubbing it on his trousers to clean it, he gave it a closer look. Not even a scratch. Smiling, Lister picked it up and threw it, pressing the button at the same time, watching as it hovered in mid-air and formed Rimmer. The hologram was smiling, a genuine smile that puzzled Lister. "That was fun! Can I do it again?" he asked, surprising the everlasting smeg out of Lister, who was expecting the usual load of sarcastic BS.
"Wha' do you mean man it could have killed you?" the scouser replied incredulously, once he'd recovered from the surprise. It was a sorry state of affairs if he was the cautious one and Rimmer reckless. Maybe he'd died. That had to be it. The imposter had killed him and this was his purgatory, an upside down world where nothing was the same. "It was amazing Lister, like flying and look, all it did was turn me onto standby mode" the hologram replied. Lister looked into the hologram's green eyes for signs of concussion, wondering if holograms could even get concussion, but his pupils were even. He was still alarmed, maybe the fall did do some damage, because the Rimmer he knew would balk at bungee jumping with a cord, let alone dropping if a massive ledge with no protective measures and then want to do it again when he didn't have to.
And then Kryten and the Cat came running up, and for the first time they managed to share a greeting with no malice or sarcasm. It was a feat they would never replicate, but that all recognised as being important and so remembered for the rest of their existences. "Do you know what Sirs, my friendship protocols tell me a short four way hug is appropriate in these circumstances, and so should we try it?" For his efforts the mechanoid received three funny looks and a resounding "NO" from the crew. They were happy about the reunion but not that happy. Lister smiled, he was in his first chirpy mood in ages, and he wanted to find a good Indian restaurant, eat enough for two, and then write his name across the table in his vindaloo. Not that there were any good, or even rubbish Indian restaurants in this, the arse-end of the universe. Realistically the best he could hope for was Kryten making a curry, but even that thought didn't get him down. After all, the mechanoid did not seem too bothered by the fact he was missing an arm, and Lister knew he probably had a spare one somewhere.