Epilogue- the tie ups for questions asked by my mate whilst reading this.
so this stories finished now, after so long. I didn't want to drag it on too long. just like this AN. a new story will be up in a couple of days. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW. I would like to thank all the members of the RD fandom on tumblr, especially those taking part in RD series weeks- you are my inspiration.
Disclaimer- I own nothing. especially elephants- no matter how much I wish. if anyone would like to give me red dwarf, or an elephant (I would settle for a box set of Chris Barrie's Britain's Greatest Machines and a keyboard that actually works properly) get in touch.
The elephant in the room (how things returned to the (almost) status quo)
The atmosphere in the bunkroom was a strange mix of tension and relief which complimented the elephant in the room nicely. Said elephant was named "events of today" though he preferred to go by Jeremy, and was sitting rather happily in the corner blowing his trunk every now and again to remind the room's two occupants that he was still here.
In the top bunk, surrounded by dirty sheets and breadcrumbs, Lister was curled up into a position only he could describe as comfortable. Contrary to all appearances, he was not asleep but instead was using his admittedly low brain power to work through his account of what had happened so he could banish it to his subconscious brain and never think about it again. It was failing and he felt like talking about it, as was his style. But there was no one to talk to but Rimmer, and talking, to put it nicely, was not his style at all.
Rimmer, was also laying on his bunk, tense as a coiled spring. The new light bee was more sensitive than the last and the new feed of information was a lot to get used to, as was coming to terms with his thoughts just before the big switch off. What could well have been his last words and he came up with "you total, total, git Lister. Why can you treat me like a good friend?" 'Way to sound desperate Arnie old boy' he thought to himself, glad that he had lost power before he finished. At least he still had some dignity. He shifted again, trying to find a comfortable position, but filing miserable as the movement overstimulated his already active sensors.
Suddenly Jeremy the elephant reared up. "Rimmer?" Lister began, "why were you behaving so weird when you woke up today?" Rimmer sighed, on the list of subjects he didn't want to talk about today marked just above Glenn Miller, but at the same time he knew if he didn't answer Lister wouldn't shut up. "I don't know" he answered coming out as a high pitched squeak. Above him Lister growled, an unsaid threat to tell the truth. Rimmer sighed again and the continued. "When I woke up I didn't see the point of cowardice, or what my parents expected me to be anymore. Something inside of me broke. I'm hardly mister brave but I'm not what I was anymore. I want to have fun, I liked the rush of jumping- though I don't want to do it again."
Lister mulled over that answer and since Rimmer was in a talkative mood decided to push his luck. It could only go badly after all. "So mate, if you aren't listening to what your parents' wanted anymore and you wanna have more fun- how 'bout a drink and a curry down the Copacabana tomorrow night?" Rimmer, to his credit, at least pretended to think about it for a moment before speaking again. "Smeg off Listy! I said I wanted to have more fun now. At what point did I say I wanted to enter into a gastronomic suicide pact with you!" Lister recognised the exchange for what it was- a joke and replied in kind "Bastard. Anyway I'm sure playing Russian roulette in a room full of microwaves is more your speed." Lister knew full well Rimmer's problem with microwaves stemmed from electromagnetic interference and not cowardice, and that any hologram would be damaged by prolonged contact, but he still teased him about it. Life, without teasing Rimmer was not life at all but a rather boring ersatz version of an existence. Make do, and bland, with no redeeming features whatsoever. At least, at the end of the day he had his target back now. He couldn't imagine life without a good joke now and then.
With that exchange of colourful epithets, things in the bunkroom had returned to what passed for normal for the crew. And then, with one last half-hearted blow of his trunk, Jeremy the elephant left the room. Things had returned to the status quo, and it could never be said that an elephant stayed when he knew he was no longer needed.
Cobbled together- or the story of how Kryten keeps working.
Whilst Lister and Rimmer were chatting away, and cat was off claiming things as his, Kryten was heading down to his 'bedroom'. He could manage without changing his head- just about- but operating with a large part of his arm a mass of charred, misshapen plastisteel was another matter entirely. He only hoped that his heads would keep their hurtful remarks down to a level where he would be able to affect repairs to his system before having to retreat.
He opened the door, expecting a barrage of abuse, and was surprised when he was greeted by a pair of wails from Heads 1 and 2. His third spare head was napping on the end of the shelf, completely oblivious but that was no great loss. Head two recovered first "my god Kryten" it spoke "what happened to you". Unable to formulate an intelligible reply Kryten simply responded "an accident with a plasma cutter." The spare heads tutted in unison "really Kryten you should be more careful- otherwise we'll never get to be head head." Kryten knew he had to apologise over what he had said as a human, otherwise they would not remain civil for long. "I'm sorry about..." he was interrupted. "We know Kryten and we accept your apology- just don't speak of it again." Kryten sighed, relieved and plucked a few tools and a spare hand from his parts pile. He could respect that.
A couple of hours later and Kryten was nearly as good as new. Just his head to refit and he would be the epitome of perfectly serviced anally retentive free-thinking mechanoids everywhere. "Whose turn is it to be head head?" he asked. "I've got to swap over". A minute of deliberation between the two spares currently awake resulted in 2 being picked. Kryten unscrewed his head and placed it on the shelf before moving to pick up his new one. "Down a bit" the heads directed his hands, "bit more, now grip, and bring it up. That's it, now down, down. Screw it in. NO! IN don't knock it on the floor". Kryten got up to try and pick it up but felt only a dull clunk. "And now you've kicked it, very smart Kryten" the spare heads echoed.
The weakest link (aka, how the chain will continue)
The next morning the boys reconvened in the cargo bay to decide what to do with the Wildfire. Rimmer wanted it locked up and hidden away until they needed it, not wanting a reminder of his alter ego around. Lister thought it might be a laugh to programme it to a dimension where earth was still around and live there for a while. Kryten wanted to ask the computer on board what it wanted done, and Cat didn't care- he just wanted to raid the ship for the beauty and hair aids he was sure Ace must have had hidden somewhere.
They walked up to the ship, looking at the large hole in the side, already being filled in by the self-repair nanobots Wildfire obviously carried in case of damage. The docking ladder was still attached but the cockpit glass dome was locked, but they climbed anyway, unwilling to add insult to injury by entering though the gaping hole. At the top of the platform was a biometric scanner. "Try it man, Ace is, was, your alternate." Lister urged Rimmer, who tentatively placed his palm on the scanner, surprised as the cockpit opened with a satisfying hiss.
"You're back" a distinctively feminine voice that belonged to the computer said. Rimmer giggled in his head- of course that oversexed moron would have a young female computer voice. "wait- you aren't him" it continued, surprised. "No I bloody well am not that smegging moron Ace" Rimmer sneered at the computer. "Neither was he, he was a replacement and not a very good one either" the Victoria sighed. "What the hell are you talking about?" all four occupants of the tiny cockpit chorused.
And then Victoria found herself telling the story herself, not for the first time. Usually she left it to the outgoing Ace, but sometimes, like now it couldn't be helped. "… and now I've got to find a replacement, a good one, not that they can get any worse. I don't suppose you'd be interested?" she asked Rimmer, who blanched and shook his head in a vehement no. "Oh well, it's not the first time I've had to recruit an Ace myself, instead of the dying Ace doing it for me- the chain hasn't been broken yet."
They stepped off letting the ship go, waving goodbye for no reason any of them could actually make out, as Holly reminded her to "pop in for a visit" and wished that she wasn't going to "leave him alone with these gimboids"
Good riddance (not the time of your life)
They gave the imposter what he deserved, a cremation in the ships engine rooms. Then they collected the ashes and put them in a standard issue ship's urn, to be scattered out of the garbage cannon- just what he deserved. They had toyed with the idea of taking the imposter's body to the ring of planets, but at the end of the day, he just didn't deserve it.
And then, with no fuss, no eulogy, no thrills, they shot him off into space, to the tune of a rumbling engine and "always look on the bright side of life".
Vanity will someday kill this Cat (but not today)
Life was pretty good for the Cat. He'd slept 5 times, he'd eaten six times and claimed a lot of things as his, not least of which was half of Ace's cosmetics. Furthermore, the monkeys had left him alone, and he'd even found time to get in a small cupboard for a little bit of alone "kitty time". Cat was the first to say he was not a simple guy in some ways, but he did have some simple pleasures. Sometimes. Like chasing and killing space weevils. Simple pleasure but it fulfilled some primal need in him. The instinct was especially satisfied, for some reason, whenever he left the mangled corpse outside Kryten's or the Monkeys' doors.
Now if he could only have it away with something, he'd be the happiest Cat the universe ever did see.
so the last chapters done- more stories to come.