Disclaimer: Still don't own Twilight or any of the characters.
Chapter 15
"Hey guys!" Mike called as the group crossed into the dirt of the infield. His boyish face was lit up and you would almost believe he was truly happy to see us, if it weren't for the glint in his blue eyes.
"Mike." Emmett said.
"We were heading down here to get some practice in, but seeing as you guys were here first," Mike said, spreading his hands acknowledging our group. "What do you say we just play a game? You against us? Think you all can take us?"
I glanced at Emmett and Jasper. Jasper's eyes had narrowed. But I knew Emmett would never back down from a challenge. "Fine," he said.
"Sounds good. You want home or visitors?"
I saw Emmett look at Jasper, who nodded. "Home, we were here first," Emmett answered.
And with that, the game began. I ran back out to center field and was joined by Rosalie. Alice and Jasper took the in field.
Emmett stood on the mound, ready to pitch to the first batter. First up was Eric Yorkie. He stood, swinging the bat, a smile on his face. "It's coming to you, blondie," he called out.
"Good," Rosalie shouted back, pushing to her toes so that she would be ready for the play.
The ball flew off the bat, heading straight for Rosalie, just like Eric had predicted. She took a few steps to the left and the ball fell right into her mitt. "Atta girl," I heard Emmett call from the pitcher's mound. Rosalie turned and blew him a kiss, then tossed the ball back to him.
Next up was a boy I didn't recognize. He took his place at the plate and took a couple of practice swings. Then the ball was pitched. He hit a bouncing grounder towards Jasper. He scooped it up easily and tossed it to Alice, who stood on first.
"Two outs!" Emmett boomed.
Mike Newton came to the plate next. He walked with the cocky swagger of someone used to making the game saving play. He twirled the bat a few times, then stepped into the batter's box. As he set up for the pitch, he caught my eye and smiled.
I crouched down and narrowed my eyes. It was on. The ball collided with the bat and went speeding towards the spot directly between me and Rosalie. Any other time, it would have bounced in for a hit. I took off, sprinting as fast as I could to the spot I knew it was going to land. The ball was a few feet from the ground, I leaped, extending my body as far as it could go. The ball hit the pocket of my mitt with a thud with my chest a few inches from the ground. I hit the grass and slid a few feet, the ball staying snugly in my glove. I jumped to my feet and held the ball in the air.
"Yes!" Emmett cried, pumping his fist in the air. I smiled as we ran in to bat.
Mike glared at me as we passed through the infield. I shrugged my shoulders. "Maybe next time," I said.
His eyes narrowed, but he didn't say anything as he took his spot on the mound.
Emmett was up first for our team. He slammed the ball into the outfield and it bounced in front of Tyler. He stood on first and clapped. "Come on Rosie!"
Rosalie took a few practice swings and smiled at Emmett. "See you on second, babe," she winked at Emmett.
"Just get in the batter's box!" Mike grunted.
Rosalie stepped in, her eyes narrowing as she focused on the ball. She connected and sent the ball shooting over second base, only a few feet above the ground.
"Come on guys!" Mike yelled at his team. "Play defense!"
"Maybe you should learn to pitch!" Emmett laughed at him.
Mike slammed his fist into his glove. "I want Masen up next."
That was fine by me. I grabbed a bat and stepped in. The ball flew out of Mike's hand and before I could move out of the way, it slammed into my arm.
"Hey!" Emmett growled. Jasper took two steps out of the dugout and I could see Emmett about the charge the mound.
"I'm okay!" I shouted. "It's fine! Emmett, get back on second."
The last thing I wanted was a fight to break out. It was tense enough already on the field.
"Edward! Are you okay?" Bella came running up to me.
"Yeah, fine, don't worry." I gave her a reassuring smile. "Honestly, it wasn't thrown that hard. I barely felt it." I shouted the last part so that Emmett would hear.
Emmett and Jasper burst out laughing at my response, and they backed away from the mound. I saw Mike's face turn bright red in anger.
I stepped back into the box. "But hit me again, Newton," I said menacingly, "And I won't stop them."
His only response was a throaty growl.
He wound up again and released the ball. The white orb flew towards me, growing bigger as it approached. My hands tightened on the bat and then I released my arms, bringing the bat forcefully around. The ball hit the sweet spot and exploded off the barrel. For a second I didn't move as I watched the ball fly over the fence and in to the woods beyond.
"YES!" Emmett boomed. His laughter filled the air as I began to jog around the bases. "Edward you are the freaking man!"
"You bastard!" Mike raged. His finger pointed at me. I ignored him and continued to trot around the bases. I caught Bella's eye and smiled. "I heard about you," he continued, his voice near hysterical. "I heard why you came to live with the Cullen's. Your mom died, right? I bet you killed her," he hissed.
I stumbled and nearly fell as Mike's words hit me like a shot.
"That's it, isn't it?" Mike smiled viciously. "You killed her? That's why you walk around school looking like the world is against you. You killed your own mom? What kind of a monster are you?"
"That's enough!" Emmett roared.
I didn't see what happened after that. I took off, racing for the woods, desperate to get away from Mike's cruel words. Cruel but true. You killed your own mom? Killed your mother…all my fault…monster…selfish…stupid…my fault…my fault…my fault.
I tripped over a tree root and my knees hit the ground. I didn't try to get up. The pain lanced through me. I shoved my fist into my mouth to muffle my screams and I wrapped my other arm around my waist, frantic to calm the pain. I leaned over my knees until my forehead nearly touched the ground. I couldn't escape it. Guilt flooded through me, twisting my stomach painfully.
And then, like a miracle, I felt her hands on my back. "Edward," she gasped. She tried to pull me up, but I was frozen. "Edward," she cried softly as she wrapped her arms around my back. I felt her cheek against my back as she began to rock me softly. "Mike didn't know what he was talking about," she whispered. "He's stupid and never thinks about what he says. He's just a jerk. Don't let him upset you so."
"He's right," I panted quietly. "Bella, you should go." My chest hitched over the words as I fought to catch my breath.
"Not going to happen, I'm here for you." Her gentle fingers rubbed soothing circles into my back.
"But he's right!" I sat up, my hands turning to fists on my thighs. "I killed my mother! I told you I'm not who you think I am! I killed her. I killed my own mother."
"No you didn't," she said, conviction in her voice.
"Yes," I looked straight into her eyes. "I did."
"Tell me what happened," she said softly. Her hands went to mine, rubbing lightly over my clenched fists.
I closed my eyes and my chest jerked as I fought the memories. I tried so hard not to think of that day. "I was on my way to the parking lot after school," I forced myself to say. "My friend, Kevin, came after me. The gang was playing baseball and he wanted to know if I would join them. I should have said no." My fists clenched even tighter. "I should have said no," I sobbed again. I struggled to gain control. "But I didn't," I whispered. "I had made chili in the crockpot before school. I knew dinner was done. I thought it would be okay as long as I got home before five."
Her hands never stopped rubbing my fists. I opened my eyes and saw her looking at me, tears streaking down her pale cheeks.
"Time got away from me a little, and I didn't leave until a few minutes to five." I took a deep, shuddering breath. "I remember racing to my car, driving faster than I ever had to get home. I made it right at five. But his car was already in front. I knew then. I knew something bad had happened. I went inside and he was there, drinking a beer and holding my old aluminum bat." I stopped again, trying to breathe. If I let myself, I could go back to that dark afternoon, see him holding the bat, calmly sipping his beer. I focused on Bella to keep me in the present, in the woods with her. "She was in the family room, face down. I knew she was dead almost immediately." The words barely made a sound. "I killed her."
"No, sweetheart. No, you didn't."
"I did. He warned me that leaving her alone would be bad. I knew that, but I was selfish and stayed to play."
"No!" Bella's hands left my fists and came to my face instead, cradling my cheeks. "No. You are seventeen years old, Edward. What happened is not your fault. It's his fault. The man she chose to marry. Did you ask her to stay with him? No. He killed her, not you. So you stayed after school to play a game? I think, with the life you lived you deserved an afternoon of fun. How often did you stay after to play?"
"A couple times, maybe."
"Since you were ten?"
I nodded.
"God." She leaned her forehead against mine. "Baby you can't blame yourself for her death. She stayed with a man that abused her. And then, she let her ten year old son step in and take the beatings for her. You told me he never touched her again, once you took over, right?"
"Not til that night," I said thickly.
"Your mom was supposed to protect you," she continued softly. "She should have left him the first time he hit her. But she stayed and then she let you get hurt every day."
"I can't blame her."
"Why not? Because your dad died? Why does that give her the right to neglect her responsibilities?"
I exhaled sharply.
"She knew the rules, but she never stepped in to help you," she continued.
"Bella, please," I begged. "I don't know what to say, I don't know what you want from me."
Her arms came around my neck at my words, holding me tightly. I slid my own arms around her waist and pulled her to me, until she was sitting on my knees. I felt her pressing kisses to the top of my head. "I want you to know it's not your fault."
My eyes slammed shut. "I left her alone, Bella. If I hadn't, she would still be alive."
"And then what?" she asked tenderly. "You'd still be in Chicago, taking beatings you don't deserve. How long would that have lasted? What about college? What about your life?"
"So I had to kill my own mom to escape." I knew that already. The fact was eating me alive. "I killed my mom so I could have all this."
"No. That's not what I meant." She pulled away from me and tilted my head until she was looking at me in the eyes. "You did not kill your mother. Yes, her death set you free, but you didn't kill her."
"I don't want to argue about this," I said softly.
Bella gathered me close to her again and I leaned my head against her hair. "You can't carry this burden forever. It's going to weigh you down. You don't deserve that."
"It's my burden to carry." I hated this. I wanted to stop talking about it.
"Edward."
"Bella," I sighed and pulled away from her. "Listen. I know you want to help. I know you care. But this isn't something you can just magically make better. It's a part of me, a part of who I am. Yes it is," I added as she started shaking her head. "I told you from the start that you'd be better off without me. Maybe now you see that it's true." I turned my eyes down as those words left my mouth. I wanted to yank her back into my arms and hold her forever and never let go. But the monster had reared his ugly head and I had to give her an out.
"You are the best thing in my life," she said. "I would never turn my back on you. Especially now, when you are in such pain. I don't know how to help you."
"I don't think you can," I whispered.
With those words, I saw the fire of determination flare in Bella's eyes and I knew she wasn't going to give up. I sighed and then leaned over to kiss her gently on the lips. "We should head back, I'm sure the others are worried."
"I guess." From the way she looked at me, I knew she was far from satisfied with the way this conversation had ended. But she let me pull her to her feet and lead her back to the field. "I hope Mike and his gang are gone," she commented quietly.
I groaned. I had forgotten about them. "Yeah." If I saw Mike now, there wasn't much that would keep me from punching him, despite my hatred for violence.
We stepped out of the woods and I saw Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett sitting in the dugout. The other group of boys was nowhere to be seen. As we approached the group, I saw Emmett's right hand look bloody. "What happened to your hand?" I asked, breaking the silence.
"It ran into Mike's face," Emmett said with a smile. "A couple times."
"Are you okay, Edward?" Alice asked quietly.
"Yeah, sorry." I glanced at Bella, knowing I owed them some type of explanation. "I was playing baseball the day my mom died. Um, when Mike said what he said, along with those memories, I just had to get out."
"I'm sorry, bro," Emmett said. "I didn't realize. When you said you used to play in Chicago, I figured you'd enjoy it."
I knew that. Emmett would never have intentionally hurt me. He was truly becoming my older brother. "No worries, Em." I smiled at him. "I do love baseball. And now that I have the initial time over with, it should be easier next time."
The gang went out for pizza after that. I tried to ignore the worried looks Bella kept throwing in my direction. Instead I held her hand and put on a happy face. I was good at blocking out pain. I had to be.
After pizza, we headed back to the house, where Emmett went off with Rosalie and Jasper with Alice. A note from Esme stated that she and Carlisle had gone out for the evening and would be back later. "Do you want to go up to my room?" I asked Bella. "We could listen to music."
"Sure," she nodded.
We went upstairs and into my room. "Wow," she gasped when she stood in the doorway.
"I know," I smiled sheepishly. "The Cullens don't know when to stop."
She went to the bookcase that held all my CDs. "I don't think I've ever seen so many CDs, except at the store." She ran her finger across the plastic spines.
"Pick out whatever you like," I said over her shoulder.
She looked back at me and smiled. She pulled a CD off the shelf and handed it to me. I slipped it into the CD player and music filled the room. I let her lead me back to the bed and we sat down.
"Edward," she started.
"Do you want to dance?" I cut her off, turned to her and smiled, holding out my hand.
She looked confused for a second and stared at my hand like she had never seen it before. "You know I don't dance," she said slowly, as if I had momentarily lost my brain.
"It's all about the leader," I said, confidently. "Do you trust me."
She tilted her head and then nodded. I smiled and stood. I pulled her to her feet and then wrapped her arms around my neck. Bella leaned her head into my chest and I heard her sigh as we began to sway to the music. "You okay?" I asked.
"Yeah. I feel so right in your arms."
That was something I could agree with. Bella belonged in my arms. I couldn't doubt that. I moved us to the music, swaying back and forth in time with the beat. For awhile, the only sound was that of the music. But although I felt content, I knew there was a storm brewing inside me.
Finally, Bella lifted her head off of my chest. She tilted her chin up and I leaned down to place a kiss on her lips. Her hand came around my head and tangled in my hair, pressing farther into the kiss. A soft moan escaped her lips as I opened my mouth and deepened the kiss. My hand came up to cradle the back of her head and my fingers massaged her scalp. "Edward," she moaned.
"Hey Bella!" Jasper's head appeared in my doorway. "Oops, sorry you guys," he said as we jumped apart.
"S'ok," Bella managed. "What do you need?"
"Oh. I just wanted to let you know that Rosalie and I are getting ready to go, I wanted to see if you wanted a ride home."
"You are leaving now?" Bella asked.
"Well, yeah," Jasper said. "I mean, it's after nine and it is a school night. Our parents like us home by nine thirty on school nights. Lame, I know."
"It's after nine?" Bella still seemed a bit dazed.
"Yes Bella," Jasper said slowly as he smiled.
"Crap!" She shot to life. "I'm supposed to be home by nine thirty too! Yes, I want a ride home, thanks!"
I sighed, sad that our time together was over. I took her hand and walked with her to the front door. The others were there, saying good bye. "Well, I guess I will see you tomorrow," I said softly.
"Yeah." She touched my cheeks. "I will see you then sweetheart." I could tell she wanted to say more about what had happened today at the baseball field, but she bit her lip instead. "Have a good night," she finally said.
"I will. You too." I kissed her gently, wishing I could take away the sadness that had crept into her eyes. "Sweet dreams, my sweet girlfriend."
The words caused happiness to stir through the sadness. Good. She didn't need to waste her sadness on me.
"Good night."
I watched her walk out of the house and down the steps as she followed Rosalie and Jasper to the car. I waved as she got in the car and smiled as she touched her lips for a kiss.
"Do you want to watch TV?" Alice asked me, her voice uncertain.
I turned and looked at her and Emmett. Emmett stood with his hands in his pockets, his eyes downcast. Alice rose up and down on her toes, her eyes looking over my shoulder. Tension came off both of them in waves.
I realized they were afraid of me.
"I um," I frowned and shook my head. "No, I'll just go upstairs."
Emmett let out a breath of air. "You don't have to bro." His eyes flickered to me and I saw the hesitation there.
"I have some homework to finish." I managed to smile at them as I climbed the stairs. I felt their eyes on me as I walked to my room. When I got in my room, I closed the door softly. I went to get my bag, I did have a little bit of reading I needed to do for class tomorrow. But my bag wasn't in its normal spot. I searched my brain, trying to remember where I had left it. I usually came straight to my room and put it down after school. But Friday, oh. Friday had been the sleep over and I had left my bag downstairs. Right. I turned around and headed back down the stairs.
"Do you think he really killed his mom?" I froze.
"I doubt it Alice, I mean come on. Does Edward really seem like the kind of guy that would do that?"
"No, not at all. But the way he reacted to Mike's words! Did you see his face?"
"Yeah, I did." Emmett sounded exasperated. "Think of his reaction when the vase broke. Remember his face then? He was terrified! Absolutely convinced Dad was going to hit him. I bet whoever hit him killed his mom. But he probably feels guilty about it."
"That makes sense," Alice said. I could almost hear the tears building in her voice. "I could see that, much better than I can see him actually killing her."
I backed up the stairs on shaky legs. I went back to my room and sat on my bed. I was making a mess of everything. My brain was so screwed up. Maybe I was a mental case and belonged in some hospital with white walls, my arms in a straight coat. I hated that my dark world was trickling over the other people in my life. These people were so good, they didn't deserve my darkness.
I thought of Bella's eyes this afternoon, in the woods. I remembered how they had filled with tears and glistened as she listened to the truth. I didn't have any right to do this to her.
I put my head in my hands, leaning my elbows on my knees. In the morning I needed to tell Carlisle and Esme to send me back to Chicago. I would lie and tell them I was unhappy here and that I wanted to go back. Then I would go to Bella's and tell her that I was leaving, setting her free. I wouldn't let her get caught in my dark world. The monster inside of me wouldn't have her. I had only been here for a few weeks. I could go back to Chicago and Forks, Washington would be back to normal. It would be like I had never existed.
Tears rolled down my cheeks and I didn't bother to brush them away. I leaned back against my pillow, rolling to my side and brought my knees to my chest. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted the pain to stop, the nightmares. The all-consuming guilt that pounded at my brain. I couldn't do this anymore.
Hey Dad, Mommy said it's time to go.
Well then, we shouldn't let our favorite girl wait, then should we?
Daddy! Daddy! "Please wake up!
Take care of your mother, promise me Edward.
Mom, are you okay?
Edward, baby you need to get back to your room.
You won't hurt her anymore tonight.
So you are a big man now, huh? So, it appears you have a protector.
Mom, go to your room, I will be fine.
So the boy has become a man.
Edward! Beer. Now.
Mom, please, please get out of here.
God damn it. Why do you always get in the damn way!
But he's going to be home soon. You should start dinner.
He's home and dinner is not ready.
Where's dinner?
Doesn't look like it, you little brat.
Edward! Beer! Now!
So I was talking to your mom the other day. She told me about your father.
Sounds like he was a great man.
See what I mean about this being so much better? Since you stepped in, I mean. Now, I get to beat the great Edward Masen's son, anytime I want. And there's nothing you can do about it, is there?
You better not forget that boy. And you better never leave her alone. You never know what will happen if you do.
Hey man, we are going to play a game of pick up ball, you need to come.
Okay. Just for a little bit.
There you are, Edward. I was going to wait for you, but I had a really bad day at work, you know how it goes.
Where is Mom?
In the family room.
Mom. I'm here. I'm sorry I'm late, I was playing ball…Mom! Mom, I'm here, please, please wake up. I didn't mean too, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!
It felt good, it had been way too long since I was able to teach her a lesson. You always there, getting in the way.
I might have gotten a bit carried away. But, you weren't here and it felt so good. Don't blame me she'd be alive if you had been here. I would have beat on you like always, if you had been here. But no, you weren't here.
You killed your own mom?
Monster. Monster. Monster.
I woke up screaming. My stomach twisted painfully and I raced to the bathroom. I leaned over the porcelain toilet as I heaved. My chest jerked and tears raced down my chin as my stomach turned violently. My fingers clenched the sides of the bowl as the sobs wracked my whole body. I couldn't control the choked screams ripping from my mouth. I knelt in front of the bowl, gripping it with all my strength. My stomach heaved again, and for a second the screams were muffled.
"Edward?" I jerked when I felt hands on my shoulders. "Oh honey, what happened?"
I couldn't see her, but I knew it was Esme that knelt next to me.
"Are you sick son?" And now Carlisle knelt at my other side.
I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my teeth, trying to stop the uncontrollable sobs. I felt Carlisle's cool hand on my sweaty forehead.
I opened my mouth and tried to gulp oxygen, despite the never-ending sobs. "I…am…not…sick," I somehow managed to get out.
My stomach twisted again and I heaved into the toilet. Nothing came out this time, I was empty. In the distance, I heard water running, then a cool rag brushed along my cheeks. "Breathe, honey," I heard Esme saying as she continued to wipe my cheeks. I fought to take a deep breath.
"In and out," Carlisle's hand rubbed large circles over my back as his calm voice directed my lungs. They seemed to listen to his soothing voice and I dragged sweet oxygen into my depraved chest. My grip on the toilet loosened and I sank down to my knees. My body still shuddered, tears still rolled down my cheeks, but I could breathe.
For the first time, I looked at Carlisle and Esme. Esme wore blue plaid pajama bottoms and a tshirt that said "Happy Mom" on it. Carlisle wore a pair of blue sweats. His chest was bare. "I'm sorry," I panted, realizing that I had woken them up. It must be the middle of the night.
"No," Esme cried softly. "Honey, don't you dare apologize." Her fingers gently moved my sweat soaked hair off my face.
"Edward," Carlise said, his voice quiet and gentle. "We heard you screaming," his eyes flickered to Esme. "What happened?"
My fingers fisted on my thighs. Somewhere in the back of my head it registered that I was still wearing my jeans and hoodie. "I had a nightmare," I whispered. Tears started to fill my eyes again. Would it never stop? I shook my head. "I can't do this anymore." I looked up, but could barely see them through the tears swimming in my eyes. "I can't. I just want it to go away."
"What to go away?" Esme asked tenderly.
"The pain a-and the-the guilt," I pushed out. I closed my eyes and took a shaky, deep breath. "I want to be normal. I want to be the person you all think I am."
"You are," Carlisle insisted. "I know you are."
"I'm not!" I cried. "You guys don't know everything!"
"Then tell us," Esme said. "But know that nothing you tell us will change our minds."
I shook my head. "You need to send me back. I'm not worth all this. I-I'm not happy here." My voice cracked over the last sentence. I looked up at them to see the damage my words had done.
I watched Carlisle's eyes narrow as he looked at me. "Look me in the eye and repeat that last part," he said.
I stared into Carlisle's piercing blue eyes. "I-I am. I am. I am…," I tried to find the lie again, but it would not come. My voice trailed off and I looked at my lap again.
"That's what I thought," he said, satisfied.
"Edward," Esme broke in. "Listen to me." I turned my eyes up to hers and saw her eyes a blaze with fierce passion. "You don't seem to understand. You keep telling us to send you back, like you are something disposable, as if we rented you and can return you to the store. It doesn't work like that. You are a part of this family now." She stopped and I saw her glance for a second at Carlisle. Something he did must have given her reassurance because she nodded slightly and looked at back at me. Her hands came to my face, holding it gently. "Edward," she repeated. "You are very special to me and I love you. You are my son now. And I am not giving you up."
My chest jerked at the words. It had been so long, so incredibly long since I had heard those three words directed to me. My father had been the last. A sob broke out and I buried my face in Esme's shoulder. Her arms wrapped around me. "Shh, sweet boy, it's okay," she soothed.
I felt a heavier hand on my back and knew it was Carlisle. He didn't say the words, but I felt them in his hand as it rubbed my back.
"We need to talk," he finally said. "Let's go in your room though."
I almost smiled when I realized that we were still in the bathroom. I wiped at my tears, determined now that they know the whole truth. I just hoped it wouldn't change the way they felt about me. I stood up and followed Carlisle into my room. I heard the toilet flush and glanced over my shoulder to see Esme quickly tidying the bathroom. Then she grabbed the glass from the sink and filled it with water, which she handed to me as she sat down on the bed.
I tucked my legs under me, sitting cross legged in the center of the bed. Esme and Carlisle turned to face me, creating a wall of love in front of me. "Now," Carlisle began. "Tell us why you don't think you are worthy of our home, of our love."
Here it was. The moment of truth. The moment I should have known was coming all along, no matter how much I wished it away. I looked at both of them, not wanting to look away. I took a deep breathe, filling my lungs. "You need to know. I killed my mother."
I watched as Carlisle's jaw dropped and Esme's eye widened. Then my own eyes dropped to the fluffy comforter and I waited for their hatred.
A/N I'm sorry about the cliffhanger. But this chapter was going to go on forever, and I know people like long chapters, but this was a good stopping point. This chapter is very emotional, and very difficult for Edward, but I hope you all enjoyed it. Please don't forget to review!