Tony feels the hot prickle of tears that threaten to fall at what he's discovered and is currently looking at. It's a beautiful idea and the fact that Tim has thought to do it makes his heart stutter with the deep emotions that suddenly wash over him. Tony flips the page back to the beginning and re-reads the poem that Tim has found and quoted, along with an obviously heartfelt introduction.
DEDICATION
To someone who helped me out in more ways than anyone can ever imagine. Kate, your strength, compassion and friendship infused me with a sense of equilibrium and comfort that has never been forgotten. You were the stability that I needed and you gave me so much in the short time that I knew you; something that has stayed with me over the years and is still with me today.
There's a great quote from a Jazz musician that always makes me think of you, Kate, and the things that you taught me:
"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself."
-Abraham Maslow
You will always be in my heart
I miss you
Tim McGee
ECHOES OF KATE
The echoes of yesterday whisper fondly to the soul
they help build the life that we follow, they are the mold.
They tether us to the harsh realities that life has to show
they make us feel loved, and help emotions flow
They are the memories of friends, forever lost in time
they are as sweet and deep as the most exquisite wine
They are the stars that shine in the most darkest night
they are the strength we have, they are our guiding light
They are a reminder of losses, on any tragic day
they are the flickering flames that let us find our way
They are the arms that hold us, when tears freely flow
they are the loved voices, on the wind that blows
They are the helping hand from the heavens above
they are the purest hearts, on the wings of doves
They are the people we've lost; in days gone by
they are the remembered days that make you fly
The echoes of yesterday whisper fondly to the soul
they are the threads of life by which the bell tolls.
-Shelbylou
"Hell Probie. Where do you find this stuff?" Tony shakes his head to try to fight the grief that has risen up within him and assaulted him suddenly; he turns his eyes back to the book with a sigh and carries on reading. The words jump off the page at him, almost blinding him with the sheer emotion that continue to roll through him as his mind truly registers exactly what it is he's holding in his hands; how precious the one thing that Tim has been trying to hide, truly is.
He's no longer feeling like the victor that has stolen first prize in his covert treasure hunt and lets the guilt wash over him. Tony now finds himself feeling unworthy to even be holding the treasure at all, especially given the day it is; the one day of the year that always pulls at their hearts, when they remember. And he'd forgotten!
This realization hits him like a punch to the gut. He had, until now, completely forgotten the significance of today and had gotten complacent with life's ruthless refusal to stop along the way for the fallen. As he reads on, he lets go of the worry for his teammate and grabs hold of the sense of awe at the younger man's continuing quest to pay tribute to their fallen teammate. Turning the page, he feels his breath hitch at the quote that's written there as an introduction to something much more personal.
"The echoes of our words are evermore repeated, and reflected along the ages. It is what man 'was that lives and acts after him. What he said sounds along the years like voices amid the mountain gorges; and what he did is repeated after him in ever-multi plying and never-ceasing reverberations."
Benefactors Or Malefactors
Tony smiles at the quote; it's just so….Tim, for lack of a better description. In his mind, he can see Tim seeing, relating to and loving the comment and knows that Tim would be able to see the underlying beauty that lies there. He traces the quote with his finger and continues reading down the page.
THE FIRST DAY I MET YOU
It was a weird kind of day; the kind that left my mind reeling slightly. I was working at Norfolk, but caught a case that fell into your team's jurisdiction. It gave me the chance to work with the team that I have since grown to love over the years. It's strange thinking back to this now, but I find with every year that passes without you, makes me want to sit back on the anniversary of this day and think about the brief time I had with you.
I remember placing the phone call to Tony; God, I was so green back then. The case was gruesome to a fault, but you, Kate, didn't let it phase you. You were always strong. I was in awe of you.
The one thing that really sticks in my mind, is when Tony left me standing there guarding the crime scene. I can still remember his answer when I questioned what It was I had to do.
"So I should stay here?"
"We'll get you relieved as soon as we can." Tony seemed so sincere in that answer, but I didn't know how he operated so wasn't too sure how long he had planned. I gave the only answer I could at the time seeing as I was so new at it and at least for that case, under his sub-command. Even a newbie like me recognized that fact.
"Okay."
That was when you came over; sure I'd seen you during the day, but it was this meeting that really stood out in my mind. You didn't say a word to me; you just walked to the van, opened the door and put the tool box away before walking off with Tony. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I followed you quietly so I could hear what you were saying. The fact that you didn't see me still surprises me to this day.
You: "Why are you making him stay here?"
Tony: "Because I can."
You: "That is a complete abuse of authority."
Tony: "Lighten up. He's new. He expects to be abused. It goes with the territory."
You: "This isn't pledge week at Sigma Chi, Tony."
The fact that you defended me warmed my heart slightly and gave me an insight into the type of person you were. I felt safe and happy in the knowledge that you'd have my six, even if you were wary of the newbie.
For that, I thank you. I always meant to tell you that and I just wish I took the time to tell you that. I'm so, so sorry that I didn't; it's something that I will regret for the rest of my life.
MY FUNNIEST MEMORY OF YOU
I hate to say it, Kate. But hands down it has to be the time I accidently looked up your skirt. Wow, that was just one hell of a fluke; I mean, who knew you'd wear a skirt on that particular day.
I came to NCIS for something…I can't even remember what it is now. I overheard someone mention that the IT guys weren't coming to do the upgrade because of the union rules. The air con was broken that day and so they bailed. I knew I could do it so I decided to get on with it; no sense in waiting for something that was easily done, so I got busy taking care of it. I just figured that the sooner the upgrades were done, the easier it would be for you all and we all know how much we rely on our computers, right?
The heat was a killer. Your computer was the last one that needed doing in our team so I tried to rush knowing it wouldn't be long before you came in. I wasn't wrong and heard you arrive; the banter between you and Tony had me smiling into the cables, especially seeing as he'd complained about it incessantly beforehand.
You: "Have you been working out?"
Tony: "All summer long Thanks for finally noticing."
You: "No, I mean right now, because you're sweating like a pig and it's not very attractive."
This was where you shrieked; I don't mind telling you, I nearly had a heart attack! I pushed my way out and was met with…..I'm sorry about this Kate, but you were wearing a skirt and it was unavoidable. I didn't know where to put my eyes! Looking back now, I can laugh at the embarrassment I felt and have to admit to feeling like that shy, new guy again. Every conversation has been etched into my mind; but I bet that doesn't surprise you at all. You always did think my brain was a computer.
"Uh… morning, Agent Todd." Was the only thing I could think of that morning because I had no idea what to say to you, I mean at the time I was desperately trying to look up at your face, but your skirt just kept getting in the way.
All you did was snap out a shocked "McGee!" And now I understand that you must have been as embarrassed as I was at the time. Do you remember how long you gave me? I do. Two seconds; there was no way I could explain in that amount of time and you cut me dead mid sentence before grabbing my ear and pulling me out. I swear, my ear was red for the rest of the day.
To make matters worse, Gibbs saw what happened and even asked Tony if he saw what he thought he did. Hell, he even agreed that it was disturbing…that was until he ordered Tony to put his shirt back on. The contractors Union sure had a lot to answer for that day.
I remember Gibbs asking me what I was still doing here and then asking me why I was crawling about on the floor and when he asked me where I thought it was going to lead me, I was confused until he said "promotion" and told me to ask Tony for help. That was one thing that struck fear into my heart because I hadn't seen Tony even stop foot near a keyboard yet; I have no idea what he'd do to the network. I told the boss that I could do it and when Tony gave his smug reply of "Good answer", you told me not to let him intimidate me because that was your job 'today'.
You know what the irony is? We found ourselves in that exact same position later on in the day when we had to get into that missing wife and little girl's house. One minute we were talking about how we were going to get in and the next you were on my shoulders telling me to hold you steady. I can still hear you shouting down instructions:
"Okay, go left. No, my left, your right! McGee, what are you doing?"
The real problem was of course, I had my eyes closed just to avoid another situation of having to look up our skirt. You knew that of course and told me to open them before I killed us both. It was strange, because your advice at that moment has got me through ever since. You basically told me that I had to learn to see when people are kidding with me; something that I had to get over if I was going to work with Gibbs.
For that I thank you.
WHAT I REMEMBER MOST ABOUT THE DAY WE LOST YOU
That day was the worst day of my life. I don't know what happened, but I remember the gunshots and moving to hide behind the car. I literally dodged the bullet that day Kate; it should never have been you. When I look back now, I can still see the hole that the bullet made in that car right where my head had just been. It frightens me thinking about how close I came but there's still a small part of me that wishes that it had been me and your life had been spared.
I can still hear the conversation from the first hit you took and it wasn't until later that I found out about you diving in front of Gibbs and taking a slug in the vest. You were always the brave one; the one that would give selflessly. I guess it could have been instinctual as well, I mean you were in the secret service protecting the president; this time you were protecting your friends.
Tony: "Kate?" There was a long pause here, too long a pause and I held my breath, waiting for the answer. "Are you okay?"
Then, it was as if someone had heard my prayers and your sweet, sweet voice sounded over the radio. It was then and only then, that I could actually breathe.
You: "Ow. I just got shot at point blank range, DiNozzo. What do you think?"
Tony: "You're not going to be going to Pilates class tomorrow?"
That comment, that one stupid, idiotic comment let me know that you were alright and hadn't been seriously hurt. I mean, even Tony doesn't joke like that when things are serious.
Gibbs: "Protection detail's over, Kate."
Gibbs! His comment about protection detail being over was a good one, had I known then what I know now, then I would go back and put you on the protection detail; you were Ari's final target, after all. I wish I could turn back the clocks and take you somewhere safe; somewhere that meant that that terrible day didn't happen.
That's when it happened, I can remember you all talking and then…..
Tony: "You did good."
Gibbs: "For once, DiNozzo is right."
And then your last words, the last thing that you ever said.
"Wow, I thought I'd die before I ever…"
You never did get to finish that sentence, Kate. I heard a gunshot crack and then, there was nothing. You were gone. I heard Tony and Gibbs, but at that moment my world caved in and left me feeling hollow. Their words buzzed in my ear, but I couldn't hear them; I couldn't focus on them. All I could focus on was the fact that someone shouted your name and said you were gone.
It's hard, because I know that the memories of what happened still haunt Tony and Gibbs. They saw it, Kate, they watched you die and whilst I'm glad I didn't get that memory to cast shadows over my memories of you; I still dream about it sometimes. It's my imagination that runs wild and I can't stop imagining you laying there on that roof top every time I think of you.
When we got back, the change in Gibbs was un-nerving. He was being..nice..for lack of a better word. Tony wasn't still right and his bought with the plague left him under par. Gibbs saw this and told him to get out of his wet clothes. Kate, you would have been proud of him. He was still sick, and yet he didn't give up; still looked for Ari's sniper nest. We found it and by the time we made it back to NCIS it was dark, cold and raining. It was almost as if the sun knew you had gone and had died for that day.
We found his brass. Lapua 308's; they were just sitting there as if to bait us. He didn't police them, just left them where they lay. We took them to Gibbs and your death had shaken him, Kate. He'd lost more than just an agent that day. We gave him the bullets and I couldn't stop the words as they tumbled out of my mouth, I couldn't help but tell him what they were. You know what he said, when I told him I didn't mean he couldn't see what they were? He said:
"I can't, without my glasses."
It was said with a shrug; not a head slap or a 'ya think'. No, a shrug and agreement. That wasn't expected at all. We stood there talking about the bullets and Gibbs mentioned the full metal jackets. I didn't know how he knew so asked Tony…something I'll always regret. That was the point where Tony lost it slightly and explained everything in all its' gore.
Me: "How's he know it's a full metal jacket?"
The question was answered by Tony, with another question "You didn't see Kate?"
I'm sorry Kate, but I didn't want to see you like that, I just couldn't.
Tony: "Her head was intact."
I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting…..Hell, I don't know what I was expecting.
Me: "So….she didn't look bad?"
That was the kicker, the kind of question that was guaranteed to get the wind knocked out of me.
Tony: "No. Not, not at all Probie. In fact, a little mortuary putty right here…" That's when Tony tapped my forehead "and she'll be as good as new. Course, she was having a bad hair day, though, right back here, 'cause a full metal jacket'll put a hole the size of a grapefruit right about there." He said in a weird uptight tone of voice as he smacked the back of my head for emphasis of his point.
I didn't know, how was I supposed to? I just stood there looking the idiot and picturing what Tony had told me. All I could say to him was "Tony, please." Pathetic, huh?
Tony apologized and called me kid before the boss carried on.
But the moment that has continued to haunt me and will forever haunt me the most from that night, is Tony asking Gibbs "Why didn't he shoot McGee?"
The fact that he did shoot at me first, brought a tremendous stab of pain to my heart when Tony's words connected with those memories and the truth that could not be erased or done differently, you were gone because of it and I was not.
It's not something I've ever forgotten. It is also something I've never stopped trying to make up for; to you, Kate. By living life the way you would have, to the fullest, without hurting anyone else to get ahead. It was by your example that I learned that it was okay to stand up for myself, to Tony, and to Gibbs, as well as be true to myself no matter how hard or unpleasant others around me made life for me because of it.
It is because I owe you the respect of never giving up on myself, that I have never given up on this job. You showed me that it was possible to balance the crap with the good. And because you showed me how, I have not only learned how, but learned it well.
Thank you for that.
Kate, I miss you. You have no idea how much and every year, on this day I have been down at the cemetery laying 3 roses; each holding a different meaning.
Black – means not just death. It also means farewell.
Farewell Kate – every year I say that and yet find myself drawn to you again and again. I just can't seem to say those words out loud, I can't let go completely. You deserve more than that.
Dark Pink – Means gratitude and is a way of saying thanks.
Thank you Kate – I live every day to earn the life I was given on the day yours was taken away. You gave me so much in the short time I knew you and for that I thank you.
Peach – means so many things; Sincerity, gratitude, appreciation, modesty, admiration and sympathy.
All of those apply to you. Every single one of them.
The ones from me are always bound the same way; with a black ribbon tied perfectly around the stems. I don't know whether you know this, but the florist always asks me whether I want the leaves stripped. I always say no because leaving the leaves on means hope, and I hope that one day I can be half the person that you were.
HOW YOU IMPACTED ME THE MOST
Your compassion, pure and simple. When Erin Kendall was murdered on my watch, your compassion saved me from myself. I never got the chance to thank you for that…another thing I never got to do.
Your compassion balanced everyone else's indifference and overzealous quest to 'toughen me up" Even after you were gone, I held tight to the memory of your never ending compassion
I always try to remember you for who you were, not what you became and in a way, I know that your memory is alive within me and for that I am grateful. I will not forget and I will never let anything taint those memories.
Goodbye Kate
Tim McGee
"The existence of ours is as transient as autumn clouds".
- Buddha
As he reads the last words of Tim's tribute to Kate, Tony's own soul urges him to join in. Without further thought or care to what he's supposed to be doing, Tony adjusts his posture in his chair, getting comfortable, turns to a blank page and begins to write.
Gibbs has remained frozen in place as he watched Tony ready through Tim's book. It is with a sense of quiet acceptance that the boss sees Tony, seemingly without hesitation, begin to write in the same book, as soon as he has finished reading what Tim wrote. Thinking he knows what's going on with his agents, Gibbs leaves them to it, for just a little bit longer as he heads out for a refill of coffee, but silently vows to reign this back in before too long. After all, he's never fogotten the importance of this day either, but there is still work to be done, no matter what day it is.