Tony picks his pen back up and sits there for a thoughtful minute. Finally, a few minutes later, feeling inspired by Tim's words, he puts his pen back down to the page. Writing from his heart, he pours his memories and his soul onto the blank page of the book as he writes with conviction. Tony is surprised by the fact that the more he writes, the better he feels. He smiles at the renewed confidence he feels in the realization that even though he's stopped memorializing Kate on this day, he has never forgotten her or the difference she has made in his life.
It is a great relief to be able to sit down and express himself on paper and for a split second, he fully understands how liberating Tim must feel when he sat in front of his typewriter. The words flow and with every pass of the pen, he thinks about how the echoes Kate has left behind in his own life, still resound as clearly as the sound of her voice. With a small smile, it crosses his mind that his thoughts on that seem to resemble Tim's written thoughts, but, he knows it can't be helped. The truth is the truth.
"Good morning, Tony." Ziva says as she settles into her desk chair and boots up her computer.
"Morning, Ziva." Tony answers distractedly, his mind still on what he's writing.
Ziva notices that Tony is not quite himself and frowns in his direction.
"Tony, is everything all right?"
"What? Oh, yeah, everything's fine, Ziva." Tony's aloof tone emphasizes his denial of any problem.
His tone is unusually quiet and she seriously doubting the truth of his words, but she has no chance to speak on her thoughts as Gibbs enters the squad room and barks.
"DiNozzo!"
Tony's hand freezes on the page and he's glad he's finished anyway. "Boss?"
"C'mon, you're with me."
Gibbs leads the way to the elevator and Tony is left scrambling to hide the book under the stack of files on his desk and hurry to catch up before the elevator door closes and leaves him to take the stairs.
Ziva is concerned that something is wrong and has not missed Tony's desperate attempt to hide what he was writing in. She quickly heads over to his desk to investigate and finds the book nestled underneath the mountain of paperwork that covers the man's desk. As she picks up the book, she quickly opens it to the first page and feels her breath catch in her throat as she reads what's there. As she keeps going, she comes to the point where the writer has changed not only penmanship, but writing style. It doesn't take her long to realize, that this is where Tony has picked up and let his own soul out onto the pages.
In Memory of Kate
Unaware of echoes stirring their cosmic brew
My mind reaches out to those lost souls we once knew….
…These lost souls gave each a memory and a reason.
- Denzie -"Chambers Road"
It is easier to leave, than to be left behind..."
- R.E.M. "Leaving New York"
FIRST TIME I MET YOU
The first time I met you was when we tried to get the pilot to take off in Air Force One. It was like a movie, the suave NCIS agents moving in to steal the president's plane. I remember walking down the stairs and interrupting Gibbs to tell him that the pilot wouldn't take off until…I think I called you the Secret Service chick, gave us the thumbs up. You just smirked at the boss and told him:
"I think that just made it my team."
You always were strong willed and if you knew Gibbs then, then there was no way you'd stand up to him the way you did; okay, Yeah, maybe you would. He told you that it just meant we were going to have to hijack the plane and asked me to escort you off the aircraft. Man, I can still hear your reply today:
"You are not serious. Wait!" that's when you chased him "Okay, okay! Your team, but only because I don't want to delay us further by having to shoot you."
It was that strength and character that I loved about you, Kate and I always knew that no matter what I threw at'cha, you'd give as good as you got.
MY FUNNIEST MEMORY OF YOU
My funniest moment…Jeez, hands down it has to be the day on the shooting range with Gibbs. At the time I was so damn worried about shooting my cap! I mean, It takes ages to break them in, right?
I remember thinking I'd won when Gibbs told you that you were holding back and to shoot with confidence. He told me I had nice grouping which of course, meant I had one over on you. He just told us that we were just getting started. That was when he took my cap; damn I loved that cap. You know it took me three months to break it in and it was just getting comfortable. Didn't feel too bad when he took your phone and taped it to the target. I still smile now when I remember the conversation we had when we walked back to the line.
"If we screw this up I have a suggestion." Oh you got my interest with that comment, Kate.
When I asked what, you simply said:
"We break into Gibbs' basement and we set his boat on fire." I still stand by the fact that it was cold and there was indeed, a reason why I liked you. I'll never forget telling you that I'd bring the lighter fluid once we'd emptied out clips. You told me it was a 'Deal'. Great time, Kate. One that I'll never forget.
Funnily enough, the same case, just later on in the day gave me a big insight into your sense of humour. It was so dry, but I loved it. You were funny.
"Access denied! And I was cleared for Air Force One."
Gibbs' reply to you was pretty off the cuff. You remember? He said "So was and Al Qaeda operative." I told you that Gibbs would get in because he had clearance that would let him see the dead aliens at Area 51. You, in your infinite wit, told me that it was "because he probably killed them."
But, we can never forget the war of the "College Days Photos" can we, Kate? How I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall with a camera to have captured the look on the boss' face when we both accidentally sent him our pictures, ya, know, when we both thought we were deleting them? Oh, those were the days…
WHAT I REMEMBER MOST ABOUT THE DAY WE LOST YOU
I remember feeling relief when that bullet lodged in your vest. Your witty reply told me you were alright; that you were alive. I was so thankful…not that I'd ever tell you that, of course. I knew you were safe and what you did by jumping in front of the boss was one of the bravest things I'd ever seen and I respected you a whole lot more for that.
I had no idea that we'd only get a few more minutes with you and when you went down…When you were shot; Kate, that was the worst moment of my life. You were lying there with your eyes open but I knew you were gone. There was no spark, no life in them. The bullet hit dead centre in your head; a kills shot. I knew it and the boss knew it. We both knew that we had just lost our team mate and our friend.
I know my movie quotes made you crazy, but I saw that spark in your eye. The one that said 'hey, you know what, you are irritating me, but it's just you.' I knew that there was something in you that loved the quotes; come on, you can't deny that.
Alfred Hitchcock once said 'The only way to get rid of my fears, is to make films about them."
The same can be said about me. I don't make films, but watching them and getting lost in the story they tell, helps me shake my fears; they help me get rid of the demons that the world leaves me with. It was a long time before the demons of that day left me and no matter what I do, they still kinda haunt me now.
Bye Kate….
'Here's looking at you kid.'
Tony
Ziva quickly puts the book back where she found it and returns to her desk so she can open her desk drawer; she pulls out a notebook full of empty writing pages and carefully rips several of them out at the seam. Getting comfortable in her chair, she begins to write and lets her mind sink into what she's doing by tuning out everything around her. It's almost twenty minutes later when her phone rings, pulling her from what she is writing. Luckily, she has finished. Ziva feels uneasy about walking over to the book and inserting her papers into it, but she does it anyway, even as she answers her phone as she walks.
"Ziva Da'vid."
"Ziva, get over to the Commander's office and track him down. I want his statement today." Gibbs barks through the phone. Strangely enough he doesn't sound very far away, but that thought is gone as quickly as it crosses her mind.
"Yes, Gibbs." She answers as she gears up and heads out; all thoughts of the book and her own contribution to it, now forgotten.
From the shadows of the squad room, Gibbs can't help but grin for a minute. He has ditched Tony in the evidence locker after giving him a bogus job to do so he will stay busy for at least an hour. When he returned to the edge of the squad room a few minutes ago, it was to find Ziva looking at that same book that his other agents had taken the time to write in earlier. It has touched him to see Ziva so affected by what she is reading, but obviously not feeling comfortable enough with her place in whatever's going on, to write in the book itself. Not wanting to be the bad guy in this just yet, he'd given her time to deal with it in her own way, and went after yet another refill of coffee. When he gets back, he feels the need to call a halt to her time with dealing with this, just as he' had done Tony earlier. Gibbs hates that he has to be the bad guy, but he needs them to keep this in perspective and get back to getting work done before things spiral out of control.
Abby is irritated and restless and the fact that McGee is extra quiet today doesn't help. The silence is hanging between them as they worked to break through the encryption levels and has driven her crazy to the point of needing a break from his company and hoping for company of a more animated quality.
She decides to go looking for Tony and walks towards the squad room in the hope that he is there. When she steps off the elevator, she finds the desks empty; something that only serves to drive her boredom and irritation to a higher level.
With a sigh of frustration, she plops down in Tony's chair so she can better see who comes off the elevator and carelessly lets her arms flail as she sinks into the seat. The motion sends the contents of Tony's desktop scattering to the floor, something that has her clamoring to pick them up as quickly as she can before she can land herself in any hot water over this carelessness. Haphazardly stacking the items back on Tony's desk, Abby fails to notice that the book stuffed among the case files is not secure within the stack and is soon losing the fight against the law of physics and hitting the floor once again. She is once again, finding it necessary to pick up the book from the floor. As she bends down at the waist once again, to pick it up; she notices that it has landed open and someone has stuck a piece of paper into it, ironically enough, in the page it has now opened to. The handwriting jumps up off the paper that had been inserted.
The Echoes of yesterday create the destiny of tomorrow
-AuraGem - The Dream Child
The past echoes the present
Agent Todd:
The most unfortunate of circumstances shortened the life you got to live. Those same unfortunate circumstances allowed me to work with your team. It has been a privilege I have seriously attempted not to take for granted.
When I first joined this team. They were grieving. All of them. For you. For the loss of you. It was not easy working with your team without feeling like an imposter. After all, I am not you; but rather the family relation to the man who took you from them. It is a pain which no one can understand; except perhaps, you; who was targeted and taken at whim.
I have endeavored to look after your team, and watched as they looked after each other. All of them have done so with firm reminders of who you were in their lives. You have not been forgotten. They all still miss you.
I will always regret those unfortunate circumstances which took you away from this team , which is in itself a family, who loved you and in some way or another, will always mourn your loss.
But, to regret is also to say I did not appreciate the gift I was given as an end result of what happened that day. And that is something that I can not do. That gift; was membership to this family. It has become the most priceless gift I have ever received and I would not trade it for anything in the world;.
Although, I have no memories of you to recall and there have been precious few shared with me, given the peculiar position I have with the events that took you away; I did locate your sketch book. That work, obviously from your heart and soul, depicted this team so real and life-like; who they are, nearly jumped off the pages at me. I was very impressed and became aware that day; just how close this team who is family, really are. When I handed the precious book to Gibbs, he did not open it, at least not in front of me. That, too spoke volumes to me, of the way in which you touched their lives. All I have to offer in tribute to you; is this:
May you rest in peace knowing your team has never forgotten you or the difference you made in their lives.
Special Agent Ziva David.
Abby skims through the book from the beginning and quickly realizes what it is that she's stumbled across. She picks up the book and hightails it down to her office with her heart in her mouth. She feels slightly guilty at taking this precious item that holds the thoughts and memories of her family and hopes that McGee is still lost in his computer world haze and won't notice her return. She gets her wish and makes it safely to the confines of her inner office and silently closes the door before locking it. She is aware that Tim can see straight in and puts up the a 'Do Not Disturb" sign that she uses when she just wants some "Abby time". This is highly atypical of Abby but she does not care and right at this moment, she only cares about being able to read what she has in her hands. She opens the book as she settles down in her chair and continues to read.
She had no idea that her guys still did this kind of memorializing; heck, she hasn't even given them any credit at all for giving any thought to it at all anymore. After all, five years is a long time and life usually either moves on or gets in the way by throwing millions of distractions down in front of you; almost as if to deliberately stop you from stopping and paying tribute to those who have been lost to you along the way. Abby knows that in her heart of hearts, she has always continued to remember Kate in her own private way. She even set up a glass display case in her lab, strictly for Kate's photos and things that remind her team of their fallen comrade.
But reading this book and the beautiful words that she has seen written here so far has been a shock and when her mind first registered exactly what she was seeing, she reacted without thinking. And so, here she is, reading the soul-searing emotion her guys still carry with them for their beloved Kate.