I'm baaackk! Now, my mom was a dispatcher and she really had some guy trying to tell her where he was the same way the officer below does.

Disclaimer: Do I really need this? Fine, Ezio get to it!

Ezio: Ryka phoenix doesn't own me, the sexy Desmond, the grumpy Altair or any other characters from assassin's creed.

I also don't own Officer Duke, he's the property of Stephen King.

Chapter 4

In which the assassin's learn that the future isn't all it's cracked up to be, and Lucy get's pulled over.

"Hello miss, do you know why I pulled you over today?"

"Because I tried to hit a tree?"

"Uh, yes. Um…I need you license, registration and proof of insurance."

"Listen officer, I don't have my license with me but isn't there something I can do for you?"

"Miss, please pull up your shirt."

"Mump! Mmmuk! Emph!"

"Miss please step out of the vehicle."

Lucy pulled up the front of her shirt; glaring daggers at Shaun, as she threw open the door and slammed it into the young cops head. Rebecca stared in shock as the newbie's eyes rolled into the back

of his head and he crumpled to the ground. Lucy stepped out of the van and kneeled next to the fallen officer. "step away from officer Theilmatz now!" Another officer shouted stepping out of the

passers side of the car, as he pulled his gun out of its holster and pointed it at Lucy. Lucy looked up at the considerable bulk that was pointing a gun at her and lowly stood up and moved back.

"Dispatch this is 8203, we have an officer down requesting backup, over." The officer said into his mike, still pointing his gun at Lucy.

"8203 this is dispatch, where in the hell are you?"

"I'm just past junction 42."

"Where?"

"You know where the old wiatson house used to be?"

"NO! I've been here for less than two weeks I don't know where anything is!"

"Jesus Christ on a crutch, your more worthless than Bessie."

"You're comparing me to a cow?"

Lucy's eye twitched as the overweight officer continued to argue with dispatch. "Quick Lucy, let's leave before officer inbreed and his lover boy stop arguing and arrest us!" Lucy nodded and slowly

crept back into the van, gently shut the door, buckled her seatbelt and stomped on the gas pedal." Listen here you tree-hugging fag! Put duke on the pho-SHIT! STOP!" Lucy giggled as officer 8203

attempted to run after the van and failed epically. Rebecca sighed in relief as the cops faded from view and turned to look at the other passengers. "So? Did you get in?" Desmond sat up and shook his

head. "I can get to the loading bay but after that all I get is a bunch of jumbled voices till the animus voice comesand says that all memories have been temporarily suspended due to an error with the

animus 1.0 andthat the error needs to be fixed before any other memories can be accessed." Rebecca noddedthoughtfully, "well, at least it wasn't a complete failure. We now know that the templars

can't get into the animus either, the animus' are all on the same network, so if one crashes, they all crash." "Oh, makes sen-" "You stupid little cum guzzling man whore! I had everything under

control until youstarted trying to talk! I gagged you for a reason! I should let a bear anally rape you!" Rebecca grabbed Lucy and held her back while Shaun tried to make himself as small as possible.

"Lucy? Who's driving?" Lucy stopped and stared at Desmond as the car suddenly swerved to the left, almost hitting a tree before becca grabbed the wheel and semi straightened the van back out.

"Mumfh? Kupm muff kurt woof." Lucy took back the wheel, glaring at Shaun all the while. "I hope to god that artemis is having an easier time than us." Rebecca said as the van flew past a sign that

said '120 kilometers to Churchill.'

The cabin

"I think you killed him."

"It's not my fault the godforsaken 'zipper' wouldn't shut!"

"Yea but you really didn't need to overwhelm him with you dick of doom."

"…my what?"

"You know, your tally-wacker, dick, phallus, pizzle, boner, Cock, ding-a-ling, ding-dong, dong, Johnson, joystick, love muscle, male rod, manhood, member, organ, package, pecker, pee-pee, pee-wee,

penis, peter, prick, shaft, shlong, skin flute, tool , wang, wee-wee, wiener, willie, shaft, purple helmeted warrior of love-"

"How do know all these names?"

"I think the better question here is, do you want to know how I know all these names?"

"I don't want to know."

Ezio smiled and Altair inched closer to the bed wondering if he could grab one of his throwing knifes and hit the other assassin with it before Ezio figured out what he was doing. "Why am I on the floor

covered in socks and underwear?" Artemis questioned as he sat up and rubbed the back of his head. "You fainted after seeing Altair's foot long purple helmeted warrior of love." Artemis paused and

stared at Ezio.

"Purple helmeted warrior of love?"

"Yup."

"Right."

Artemis stood up and noticed that both assassins' had clothes on but all the underwear was still on the floor where he had fainted. "You know what? Screw it. I'm too young to be dealing with this

crap, if they want underwear desmond can show them how to put on underwear!" Artemis ranted as he walked back into the living room and flopped down on the couch. Ezio and Altair followed and

sat down on the couch next to artemis and stared at him. "What?" "I-" "I'm board!" Ezio exclaimed, interrupting Altair, who gave him a death glare. "What do you want me to do about it?" "Well this is

the future right? I want to do something futuristic!" "…how about go fish?" Ezio nodded rapidly while Altair just rolled his eyes.

Back in the van

"I told you that the speed limit was twenty!"

"Shut and make sure that IT doesn't fuck this one up like he did the last one."

"Fine."

"What seems to be the officer problem?"

"Mama, have you been drinking tonight?"

"Oh no! Of course not officer."

"Right, well I'm going to need your license, registration, and proof of insurance."

"Well, you see… officer duke….funny story actually, this is my boyfriends van, and my sister and I are driving to the states to visit family, and he didn't tell me where the registration was."

"Do you think that I'm really that stupid?"

"I'm guessing 'yes' is the wrong answer huh?"

"Mama, please shut off and step out of the vehi-"

"OW! HE BIT ME! HE JUST FUCKING BIT ME!"

"Oh for heaven sakes."

Rebecca threw her leg over the center console and mashed the gas pedal causing the car to leap forward with sudden lurch and nearly running over officer duke. A loud boom was heard as the rear

doors suddenly opened, depositing Shaun and desmond onto the cold unforgiving ground. "Turn around Rebecca! We lost desmond! If it was just Shaun then I could live with it, but we lost my

pooky-bear!" "Lucy you're driving, and….pooky-bear?" "Never mind, hold on to your panties!"Officer Duke stood up from where he landed on the ground and brushed the dirt off of his uniform. "Stupid

dumb blond. 'I suppose 'yes' is the wrong answer huh.' If you knew it then why did you still say it? …I'm getting to old for this shit." Duke grumbled as he walked over to the two young men lying on

the ground. "Get up. You're both under arre-….why on earth is that man tied up?" "He told the 'dumb blond' that she was being too nice." Duke held up one finger with his mouth slightly open and

paused. "I'm getting to old for this shit." The officer turned back around, got into his patrol car, and drove away right as Lucy and Rebecca pulled up. Lucy jumped out of the van and was instantly at

desmond's side. "Are you ok pooky-bear? You're not hurt are you? Where did that police officer go?" "I'm fine but Shaun broke his glasses, the officer said that he was to old of this stuff and left,

and….pooky-bear?" Lucy ignored his reply and just buried his head into her cleavage while Rebecca helped Shaun into a sitting position. "Wareka? Ah ooo uhkie tee feeth? I shink I olst ray pooth."

Rebecca gently removed the gag from Shaun's mouth and untied his feet.

"Are you ok Shaun?"

"….what do you think?"

"SHAUN! I'm going to kill you!"

Shaun paled and began to scoot backwards as fast as his bound hands allowed him. "It wasn't my fault! I didn't say anything!" Lucy stood up and was promptly tackled by Rebecca, they rolled on the

ground fighting for dominance while desmond ran over and untied Shaun's hands. "Quick! We have to help reb-" Desmond was cut off as Shaun punched him as hard as he could in the face. "That's for

tying me up!" Shaun stood over desmond breathing heavily when he was suddenly struck by the sensation that something extremely bad was about to happen. "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY POOKY-

BEAR!" Shaun turned around and flinched but the hit never came, he opened up one eye and found Lucy unconscious on the ground while Rebecca stood behind her with a wrench.

"Tie her up and be quick about it. Make sure to gag her cuz she's gunna be pissed."

"How pissed?"

"You know that phrase 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'?"

"Yes."

"More pissed than that."

"I hope artemis is having an easier time than us."

Back with the boys…

"I don't understand why this game is called 'go fish'."

"What's there to understand?"

"Well for one thing, it has absolutely nothing to do with fish."

"Listen, I didn't name the game that's just what it's called."

"And they couldn't find a more relevant name?"

"OH! OH! OH!...never mind…. gioco di scheda fucking stupido …"

"Perhaps we should play something that doesn't involve thinking for Ezio's sake."

"Are you calling me stupid Altair?"

"Do you want me to answer that?"

"Let's play the Wii."

"The what?"

"Just watch me and try not to break anything."

I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please review! Until next we meet.

Translations:

gioco di scheda fucking stupido: stupid fucking game