Conversations

"Maybe we should go to Billy's house. Rachel doesn't want to, but I think the sooner the better. It will only make it more difficult if we wait. Maybe we should go there first"

I looked over at Jacob again, but he didn't meet my gaze this time. He was looking down at his hands. I removed the phone from my ear.

"Is that okay?" I asked him. He drew a deep breath and then he nodded. I waited until he looked at me again, before I put the phone back to my ear.

"That's fine" I said. "Should we do it now?"

"Okay. We'll meet you there"

And then he hung up.

We walked through the forest in the direction of La Push. I had asked Jacob if he wanted to phase, but he didn't.

"I phased last night, but the others were there so I phased back" he said.

He meant the others as in the pack, and I understood. I had wondered why he hadn't phased when I found him outside the hospital last night, and the truth was he had. But the other guys (and girl) had been phased as well, so he'd changed back to his human shape. I guess he wanted to have his mind to himself right now. I suddenly got even more grateful to my dad for leaving us alone last night.

This was so surreal. Yesterday I had been running through the woods, eager to go to La Push and meet Jacob. My mind had been filled with thoughts of him, of being alone with him, of what could happen. I'd been elated and excited. And the day before, we'd even eaten dinner with Billy. Surreal.

As we reached La Push, Jacob subconsciously slowed down. When the little red house came into view behind the trees, he almost slowed to a halt. I knew he was fearing this. I knew he was worried what memories would be evoked when we entered. I grabbed his hand, and led him forward.

"Come on" I said. "The sooner we get it over with the better"

Somehow, as if he found my words encouraging, he followed. We reached the front of the house at the same time Paul's car appeared in the driveway. He parked the car, and both him and Rachel got out. Her eyes were puffy and red. I greeted them, and Rachel got over to halfheartedly give Jacob a one-arm hug before she leaned back and rested her head against Paul's chest.

"Let's go inside" she said. Even though her voice was shaky, it was still firm with determination.

Jacob tightened his grip on my hand as we followed them inside.

Paul and I hesitated a little bit by the door as we entered the living room. The room was overly quiet, except the normal ticking from the clock on the mantelpiece. I eyed Jacobs face. It was like set in stone. Rachel walked ahead of us and looked around to take in the living room surroundings. I could see her bottom lip tremble as she touched the chair where her father normally liked to sit. I could see Paul inch forward, as if wanting to go to her, but something held him back.

Jacob let go of my hand, and stepped forward. He was looking away from me, I couldn't see his face. A sudden sob escaped Rachel and broke the silence in the room. Paul hurried over to her. Jacob still stood with his back to me. I could see him pick up something from the mantlepiece; it looked like a wooden carving. I don't know if he did it out of sentimentality or if was a complete random act. Rachel was crying steadily now, and her sobbing became louder and louder. Jacob fumbled with the wooden sculpture, turning it around in his hands.

"Oh, dad" Rachel said, her voice cracking.

"Well, he's not here, is he?" Jacob snapped, startling all of us. His voice was sharp as it cut through the silent, dull atmosphere. He turned around suddenly, and I could see his face was filled with anger. The next second he'd crossed the room and was on his way out. He didn't look at me. As he reached the door he turned around and threw the wooden carving forcefully across the room. It made a loud, cracking sound as it hit a glass of water standing on the table, and both the carving and the water-glass broke. He hit his fist in the door frame as he left, and then slammed the front door after him. Two pictures fell down from the wall, the glass breaking.

It was deadly silent, except from Rachel's muted sobs against Paul's shoulder. Paul sent me a glare, as if it was my fault that my boyfriend had made her sobs increase. I turned on the heel and ran outside.

He was there, thank god. He'd walked up towards the treeline, a little distance from the house. He was covering his face with his hands, rubbing his forehead frantically. I ran over to him, and he looked up. He had a wild look upon his face. I hugged him immediately, hoping he wouldn't push me away. He didn't. I noticed he was trembling. When I leaned back to look at his face, he seemed confused. He still had that wild look in his eyes, but he seemed to have calmed down a little bit.

"I don't know what happened there. I just snapped" he said, as if wanting to explain himself.

"It doesn't matter" I said. I studied his face. His arms wound their way around me and held me to him as if he needed the support.

"Are you..." I paused "How do you feel?" I was going to ask if he was okay, but stopped myself. Of course he wasn't okay. He understood what I meant though.

"I'm... I... I needed to do that. To go in there." he shook his head as if to clear his mind. " It wont be like that the next time. I wont be like that"

He paused and looked down at me. I don't know what he saw, but it must have evoked something in him. His arms yanked me closer as he leaned his head down to press his lips against mine. Just like he had kissed me this morning, this kiss was not gentle or sweet. It was forceful and desperate. It was if he needed something, as if he was searching for something he couldn't find.

I let my arms encircle his neck and brought him even closer. He deepened the kiss and I kissed him back just as frantically. He let out a shaky exhale and I felt his hands reach down to sneak under the hem of my shirt. His palms pressed against the skin on my lower back and I felt an electric jolt shoot through my body. Was it possible that I could be feeling like this now? Apparently I could, and so could he.

I drew back. Again, this was not the time or place, and he was not in the right state of mind either. He didn't protest, he just kept his eyes closed and pressed his forehead against mine. He let out another shaky exhale, and we stood like that, trying to calm our racing heartbeats. Finally he opened his eyes, and my heart felt lighter as I saw his expression. He didn't smile, but he seemed calmer. The wild look was gone.

"Rachel and I have to go to the hospital" he said.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

He hesitated, and a torn look appeared on his face.

"I want to be with you." he said. "But I think maybe this is something I have to do on my own".

Of course I would come if he wanted me to come. But if he wanted to do this by himself then that would be okay too. I didn't know if I understood, if I could understand, but I nodded nonetheless. Whatever he wanted.

"Do you want me to wait for you here?"

"I don't know how long it will take." he said, and looked over his shoulder back towards the house. Rachel and Paul were on their way out. Rachel went straight over to the car, without looking at us. Paul sent Jacob a dismissal look before he got into the drivers seat. It annoyed me; he had not the right to judge anyone. I squeezed Jacobs hand, as we turned and walked back in the direction to the car.

"I'll be around when you come back" I promised. He just nodded and gave me a half smile. Then he leaned down to kiss me tenderly before he got into the backseat of Paul's car.

I looked after them as they drove out of the driveway. Then I went back into the house. The atmosphere was still dull, the clock was still the only ticking sound. I half expected Billy to wheel himself out of his room, wondering if I would stay for dinner. I stood there looking dumbly into the air for a few moments before I got myself into action.

I cleaned. Jacobs little outburst had made two pictures fall down, making the glass break. I wiped it up and put the photos carefully on top of a drawer. The broken water glass also needed to be cleaned up. I wiped up the broken glass and found a mop to clean up the water.

As I crouched down on my knees in front of the couch, I saw the wooden sculpture he'd thrown. It was broken in two pieces. I picked them up, and put them together. It was the neat carving of a wolf, sitting down with the snout turned upwards. It was a made in the traditional Quileute carving I realized, and it reminded me of the promise bracelet Jacob had given me for my first Christmas.

As I turned it around, I realized something was written underneath. I squinted my eyes, trying to interpret the handwriting. With a jolt I realized it was Billy's. To Jacob, it said, signed Billy. That was all it said. This must be a present Jacob had gotten when he was a little kid or something, when Billy first thought him how to do wooden carvings. A tear dripped down on the floor and I realized I was crying.

I glued it together. Jacob would regret it later, if he had ruined it. It was merely visible that it had been broken, just a slight crack on the side. I put it back on the mantlepiece, and looked around. Then I heard quiet footsteps outside, and rushed towards the door. Maybe Jacob was coming back already.

It wasn't Jacob. It was Seth. He was just coming out from the forest wearing the usual cut-offs, walking in the direction of Billy's house. I don't think I've ever been so glad to see him before.

"Nessie!" he exclaimed, and stopped abruptly as he noticed me. I jumped down the front-porch and ran straight into his arms. He hugged me back, a little surprised, and drew my shoulders back to look at me.

"You've been crying" he said. It wasn't a question, it was a statement. "I was on my way over, just to see if there was anything I could do. How is he?" Seth looked past me towards the house, and I understood he was referring to Jacob.

"He's not here. He's at the hospital with Rachel, sorting things out. I'm not sure how long it will take."

"Oh. What are you doing here, then?"

"I just wanted to be here when he comes back. He wanted to go there on his own"

Seth didn't ask anything else, he just nodded. Maybe he understood better than I did.

"Come on"

I grabbed his arm and dragged him after me towards the house. I wouldn't let him go quite yet, I needed to know what was happening. And I needed someone to talk to.

We sat down on the front stairs.

"He phased last night" Seth told me.

"I know, he mentioned it. He didn't stay there long though?"

"No. I guess he just wanted to be able to think without being interrupted. We didn't even get to tell him we could leave him alone if he wanted to, before he was gone."

"He was pretty upset" I said lamely. It didn't really cover it, but Seth didn't ask me to elaborate.

"How's he handling it now?" he asked.

I told him about Jacob's outburst earlier that day, but that he had seemed to calm down a little.

"Smart of you not to go here right away last night" Seth said. "I guess that would only have made it harder for him." He stared out on the forest for a little moment, and I wondered what he was thinking. "I know Quil and Embry were here last night" he continued "But there was no one here, so they guessed he was with you"

I stared out on the forest as well, and we didn't speak for a few moments. It had stopped raining today, but the grass was still moist. It was one of those awful quiet days. I realized I had skipped school today without even thinking about it.

"It looks kinda nice" Seth said suddenly, breaking my train of thoughts. His voice was thoughtful.

"What does?"

"Imprinting." he paused, before he elaborated. "I mean, I've seen it through the others eyes and it's surreal, but still very... very..."

His voice trailed off.

"It is nice" I said, unsure of what to say. "Of course it is"

He started to say something, but then stopped himself as if he'd changed his mind. He hesitated for a second, but then opened his mouth to say it anyway.

"Do you think I'll ever...?"

Oh. I understood then. He wanted it too.

"Who knows" I smiled "Maybe all you have to do is look out the window one day and then bam. You'll never know what hit you"

He smiled, but it didn't last long. I continued.

"And well, if you don't, then so what? You don't need imprinting to be madly in love with someone"

"I know, I know. It would just be so... I mean, to meet someone. To know that there will always be someone. That will stay no matter what."

I wasn't used to him being this serious. We rarely spoke seriously about our love-lives, at least not like this. What was he thinking? I somehow got the impression there was something more behind this. Was he heartbroken? Lovesick?

"Jake is lucky to have you." he paused. " I wish I had someone when...you know...when dad..." he paused again, looking down.

Oh. I had almost forgotten, and how could I. Seth and Leah had lost their father as well. Even thought it was many years ago now, they had both been pretty young. Who else would know better how Jacob felt right now than Seth.

Seth turned to give me a quick smile, as if to show me he wasn't sad or moping or anything. I didn't really know what to say, so I just wrapped my arm around his shoulders, as a friendly gesture.

"Imprinting is cool" I said, making my voice light "but not necessary".

He laughed at that.

Seth stayed for a little while, before he headed back home. I went back inside, feeling a little better than I had before. Talking to Seth had helped.

I called my dad. I told him everything that had happened, and that I would stay here until Jacob came home, no matter when he did. Dad didn't protest, he didn't even mention me skipping school.

I cleaned the floors, just to have something to do. I did the dishes. I cried a little. I tidied Jacobs room. And then I made lasagna. He must be hungry, it had been a while since he'd eaten properly. I didn't feel like eating.

As it became dark outside, I settled in a chair with the TV buzzing in the background. I had put on one of Jacobs oversized t-shirts and an old flannel shirt. I wrapped my feet up in the chair as well, wrapping my arms around them, and rested my head against my knees. I didn't really watch the TV, but closed my eyes and listened to the buzzing sounds. It didn't last long before I fell asleep.

A.N: I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, it turned out more mushy than I intended. Oh well. Hope you'll bear with me. But I'm satisfied with the next one, so stick around! Let me know what you think :)