"Let me go check," says Haymitch as he leaves the room.
I continue crying and Peeta's arms are right where they always were. I've never felt so safe in anyone else's arms…except perhaps Haymitch's. I had hated him for what happened to Peeta, until it came right down to it and I knew he missed, loved and needed Peeta too. It was only then that I realized how much I cared about Haymitch as well. The surly old goat who drinks too much. I don't know how I would have gotten through this ordeal without him.
Once I've calmed down a bit in Peeta's arms, Haymitch reenters the room. "Okay," he says. "These are the rules—" he looks right at me, "and they're to be followed to the letter, Katniss. Or they won't let him out until they're certain he's recovered enough." I nod acknowledging my understanding before he continues. "He can only be out at mealtimes. You can take him to dinner now, but following that he must come back and lay down…are we clear on that?"
I nod. "Crystal." I get to my feet and turn to get Peeta who is already on his feet. Clearly I'm the more invalided one of the two of us. As we near the door he interlaces his fingers with my own. "Together?" he asks. I nod. "Together." We walk out the hospital room and down the corridors and through the hallways until we reach the cafeteria. Every head turns to look at us as we enter. Clearly, no one has processed what Peeta's presence would mean for me…or for them, because no one takes their eyes off us as we go us to the line.
"Well, I'll be darned!" says Greasy Sae, breaking up the awkward silence. "Come, come get some food." She ushers us into line. "Everyone, this is Peeta Mellark. He's the one who warned us about the bombing." Both Peeta and I cringe at this. I will never forget seeing him beaten on live televevision and I'm sure he'll never forget it either. "He saved your lives!" She puts a heaping serving onto his plate. And the usual on mine. "You be sure to thank him."
Slowly we take our trays over to the already gathered group. Johanna, Delly, Finnick, Annie and Gale, who seems completely unaltered by our conversation and even more angry now than he was then. All I can do is hope that he doesn't yell here.
"Peeta!" Johanna shouts. "It's so good to see you!"
"You too," says Peeta.
"And not be screaming our heads off," says Johanna. Everyone at the table freezes. Peeta isn't sure what to do, Annie's hands are on her ears as she exits reality, Finnicks arm is around Annie and Delly is glaring at Johanna. "What?" she says looking at us all. "My doctor told me not to hold my thoughts in. That I should say whatever comes into my mind. No holding anything back. Just blunt."
"Yes, Johanna," Peeta says. "It's much better without the screaming."
Peeta and Gale share a long blank look before Peeta sits beside Gale and pulls me down to his left. Everyone looks at me and I just bury my head in my food. The last thing I want to think about right now is how Peeta and Gale are going to get along, I glance up, or lack thereof and how were going to get anything done if they won't work together.
Just then Cressida decides to make her appearance. "Oh here you are!" she says. "We were looking all over the hospital for you two." Her smile is intense. "We need you both for some propos later today, and we can do them right in the hospital room…especially since Haymitch explained the rules. We want to show the Capital and Snow that you can't keep a love as strong as yours down and no matter what you will always find each other!" she says smiling, but at the mention of always finding each other Gale stands up and yanks his tray off the table and throwing the whole thing in the trash, leaves. "Well, at least we don't need him today. How rude!"
I have to talk to Gale. I step up and Peeta grabs my wrist. "Where are you going?" I don't even know what to say. I'm more torn now than ever before. "Katniss…" Peeta says cautiously.
"Um," I say, pulling free. "I'll meet you all back in Peeta's room." I make sure not to look at Peeta, because one look at those blue eyes and I'll never leave the room. "Finnick?" I say pleadingly.
"Sure thing," he winks at me as I rush after Gale. I can just barely hear Peeta say something to Finnick about getting pretty chummy and Finnick's laughter is so intense that I can't help but smile as I run from the room. Sure enough, Gale is walking as fast as he can without running.
"Gale!" I say as I rush after him. "Gale stop!"
He stops abruptly, eyes looking wild. I don't think he slept at all last night. How could I have missed that before? I wasn't sure. "What do you want, Katniss? Do you want me to congratulate Peeta? Tell him the best man won, because I don't think that would be him, Katniss."
"Why do you keep saying my name?" I ask. Is it for emphasis or does he think I've forgotten my own name?
"Because," he says. "You chose him, Katniss. During the Quarter Quell, in the arena, on that beach. You chose him. You said you needed him. You said that in front of all of Panem, without even thinking about me. You thought about Peeta. No one else. Just Peeta. And he is the reason you've been crying for weeks, the reason you've ever had to be sedated. I knew I had to go get him. I had to do it for you, but I didn't realize how much it would hurt me!"
That's right. I'd forgotten that Gale was part of Peeta's rescue team. Peeta wouldn't even be here if it weren't for Gale. Gale saved Peeta for me. I know Gale loves me, and I thought I'd loved him…until Peeta hit that force field and died in the Quarter Quell. Suddenly it all became clear to me. I convinced even myself that I loved him. I'd denied it for as long as possible, afraid of what that might mean…afraid Snow would take him from me. Well, Snow did take him from me…because I convinced him. Because Snow knew the best way to get to me was through Peeta. And he took advantage of that. He took advantage of my need and love for Peeta. He used Peeta against me. He hurt Peeta.
"Gale stop it!" I scream. "Would you quit thinking about yourself?" I shout back. "Don't even pretend that you know how I feel. That you could possibly love me like I love Peeta. If I had died in the games you would have moved on. You would have been fine! But Peeta wasn't even dead and you saw how I was! When he died in the Quarter Quell I realized how much I needed him! And I haven't been myself since he was taken. It was wrong to have led you on, but I couldn't bare to lose you as a friend!" I yell. It's only now I realize we have an audience, and at the front of it is Peeta, Finnick, Annie, and Johanna. I'm sure Haymitch is there somewhere too, but the entire dinner crowd seems to have followed us out.
"Don't you say you know how I feel!" he yells back. "Don't pretend to know that I wouldn't be affected by you and Peeta. I cringed every time that you kissed on camera. You'd even told me that you felt bad doing it, thinking about me, but you were just humoring me! You really only felt bad kissing me because of him. Because of Peeta. Did you ever actually love me, Katniss? Or was it all just a game you played back home?" Tears are streaming down his face and mine as well. I'm so mad at him I don't even know what to think, let alone, what to say. Peeta's eyes are so focused on the conversation that I'm scared he'll take off and I just can't let that happen. Peeta can't be mad at me. Anyone, but Peeta. "You played us both."
"No," says Haymitch. "She played you. But you let her." He stares around at the gathered crowd. "Don't you all have places to be?" Everyone clears out but Peeta, Finnick, Annie, and Johanna. "I meant you guys, too." Peeta begins to object, but Finnick and Johanna pull him out right along with them. Haymitch turns to Gale and points a finger right in his face, "If it was a game, boy. You let her play you. You knew that she didn't love you the way you did her, because her actions weren't agreeing with her words. But Peeta," Haymitch points over where Peeta is still in the process of leaving, "she spent every night on that train with him. She had nightmares, that frankly, I tried to avoid, but Peeta came to her rescue, every night. And every night she'd ask him to stay. And every morning they would come out for breakfast together. You saw them in that Quarter Quell, you've seen her the last few weeks. Man up, Gale. None of this is a surprise to you." He looks at me, "and you did play him. But you played Peeta, too. Majority of that first Game was all playing him. You're lucky either of these boys love you." He's right. He faces Gale one last time, "think you can live with this little situation? Because according to the Capital they are married…even if it didn't actually happen. Come on, Katniss." He grabs my arm and we walk away over to the hospital wing and stop a couple of yards from Peeta's room. "You've done a lot of stupid things, Katniss," he says with a sigh, "but you never follow a man when he's hurting because of another guy." He releases my arm and stalks away.
"Haymitch…" I don't know what else to say.
"Katniss!" Cressida's voice rings from the room. I walk into it to meet Peeta's frustrated glance. Suppose I probably should have told him I love him before telling Gale that I love him. Well, this will be a long night…if he lets me stay. "Into position, Katniss, by Peeta please." She's smiling from ear to ear. "This will be the greatest."
I walk over to stand by Peeta. "What was that all about, Katniss?" Peeta asks, just above a whisper. Of course he has a right to know. "I'm sorry," I say. "Can we talk about this later?" He nods and Cressida nods. "Action!"
"Snow," I say looking straight into the camera. "You told me to convince you—that I loved Peeta—well I guess I convinced myself as well. Being the Mockingjay has been no easy task. It's been unbearable, especially when I knew you'd be taking whatever I said out on Peeta—" I'm cut off by Peeta.
"What?" he asks. Bewilderment is the only emotion that registers on his face.
"Um…" I look at Cressida, but she is already one step ahead of me. She points the camera projector at the wall.
"So, Katniss, you've survived the Capital bombing of Thirteen. How did it compare with what you experienced on the ground in Eight?" video Cressida asks video me. I know how this tape goes, but I watch it anyways, with my arms wrapped around Peeta.
"We were so far underground this time, there was no real danger. Thirteen's alive and well and so am—" my voice cuts off. Dry and squeaking.
"Try the line again," she says. "'Thirteen's alive and well and so am I.'" I can feel Peeta's body tensing as he watches me struggle to continue.
"Thirteen's alive and so—"
"Katniss, just this one line and you're done today. I promise," says Cressida. "'Thirteen's alive and well and so am I.'"
As I start swinging my arms, place my fists on my hips drop them to the sides and start crying, Peeta's shoulders hunch over.
"Cut," I hear Cressida say. But the tape keeps rolling.
"What's wrong with her?" we hear Plutarch Heavensbee ask off camera.
"She's figured out how Snow's using Peeta," answers Finnick.
You hear the group sigh as I begin to unravel. I remember the feeling well. I'm broken. Snow has broken me. And at this point, I don't think I will ever get Peeta back. You barely hear me call out to Haymitch who comes over to me and wraps his arms around me.
"I can't so this anymore," I say.
"I know," Haymitch says.
"All I can think of is—what he's going to do to Peeta—because I'm the Mockingjay!" I didn't quite understand just how far gone I was by this point, but I see it now, as tears start to stream down Peeta's face.
"I know," Haymitch's arm tightens around me.
"Did you see? How weird he acted? What are they—doing to him?" I start gasping for breath and you can barely hear the "It's my fault!" and see myself fly into hysterical crying and someone walks forward with a syringe and knocks me out.
Beside me Peeta is in tears. I reach my hand up to wipe them off and he grabs my hand and begins kissing it. "Katniss…" he squeaks out before the whole room starts crying.
"Good moment to get crew," hollers Cressida at her team. As they start to record us Peeta goes into spotlight mode.
"Snow." He gasps loudly. "This is Peeta Mellark. Hope you're well. I'm with Katniss now, so you rest assured that we are coming for you."
"And it may please you to know, the Mockingjay," I cut in. "Has found her wings."
"Cut!" Cressida hollers and her and her team scurry out of the room. "If we're lucky we can interrupt tonight's telecast."
Peeta turns and throws his arms around me, and I hang onto him tighter. "I never worried about what this whole thing would do to you, because I figured you had Gale, Haymitch, you mother, and Prim…I never thought…" he says breathing in deeply. "That this is what would happen to you. I never thought you cared that much."
"Peeta," I look into his blue eyes, though both pairs of eyes are hardly seeable as neither of us can really see anything, "when I told you I need you. I meant it. I do. I need you, Peeta. I really am lost without you!" Then I don't know what's happened but I wake up in my own bed with Peeta right beside me. I jerk awake at first thinking that maybe this was a dream. But it's not. He's lying right beside me. They must have drugged us both, which would make perfect sense, seeing as we both kind of lost it.
Peeta wakes beside me. When his eyes find me he turns on his side and brushes the hair from my forehead. "Katniss…" he says, unable to continue.
"Peeta," I say. "Remember when you told me that all your nightmares were about losing me, but you never woke me because I was right there?"
"Yeah," he says.
"What were they like without me?"
"The worst thing imaginable," he says.
That's what I was afraid of. Snow must have done something to make his nightmares worse…and even I can't seem to scare them away. Then I realize he didn't have one last night. He didn't have any nightmares. I look at him smiling.
"Katniss?" he says. Confused by my smile.
"No nightmares," I say.
"No nightmares," he says.
I settle back down into his arms as he envelops me in his sweet embrace, but suddenly there's a crashing sound. We both sit bolt upright. Johanna who sleeps in the other bed, doesn't seem to move at all. I get up and Peeta starts to follow me, I shush him down. Mumbling that it's okay, I'll be fine and other mumbo jumbo, which of course he won't listen to. As I walk out the door I see Gale stumbling around. I gasp and Peeta is right behind me.
"What happened?" he whispers.
I motion to Gale with my opened palms, "I don't know."
Peeta walks cautiously around me when a couple Peacekeepers appear. I lunge forward and pull Peeta down behind a crate. I land on top of him. Well, this isn't exactly the most romantic place but I kiss him anyways and then move off of him and move to a squatting position. "Stay here!" I say.
"Where are you going?" his concern is palpable.
"Shh," I say. I rush back into my room with Johanna and over to her bed. "Johanna!" She startles awake. "Peacekeepers!"
"What?" she shouts. I cover her mouth. "Sorry," she whispers, "what?"
"I don't know how, but there looks to be just two of them. They're pushing Gale around though."
"Where's Peeta?" she asks.
"He's—"
"I'm right here," he says. His hand on my waist, causing me to jump back defensively. He gives me a condescending look, "apparently we need to work on that again." I throw my arms up to convey how I feel. "What's the plan, Katniss?"
"Why does, Katniss, always need to have a plan?" I ask. "It's not like Peeta, brave, smart, loyal Peeta couldn't come up with some plans, too!" I sigh. "Why couldn't we have a normal, not kidnaped not Capital effected kind of marriage?" I grunt.
"What?" he stares at me. Mouth agape.
"What?" I stare back. Then I realize what I just said. "Well, according to the Capital we are, so," he smiles, "oh shut up! Gale's in trouble."
"Where's a good bow when you need one?" Peeta asks annoyed.
I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. "Thirteen really didn't think that plan through very well. Keep the victors of the Hunger Games near the doors in case of intruders, but don't give them anything to defend themselves with. Brilliant." Peeta and Johanna both sigh behind me. "You two could come up with something, too, you know," I glare back at them. We work out a semi-workable plan, but as soon as we go to execute it the Peacekeeper who was hanging onto Gale throws him forward, and the other drops two-dozen roses on the ground. The two then leave. "Roses," I say through gritted teeth.
"What's so bad about roses?" Johanna and Peeta ask in unison. That's not weird or unsettling at all. Katniss! Not the time for jealousy! They were tortured. They were together for weeks. You were together with Gale for weeks too. Be a grown-up, already. Sheesh. I shake my head and look back at them.
"It's what Snow uses to get my attention," I say. After checking if the coast is clear I walk over to the roses as Peeta and Johanna go over to Gale. There is a note attached to them. My dear Miss Everdeen, I thought you should like to know that this young Mr. Hawthorne tried to turn himself in. He seems to think it's the only way to get your attention. But seeing as I only wanted Peeta, because I know you love him, I am returning this one to you. He is drugged and therefore will not remember his actions of tonight. But I should warn you. If he comes again I won't hesitate to have him shot. ~ President Snow, P.S. Remember our promise. I don't know what to think of the note, or of Gale's stupid impulsive decision, but what I do know, is I need to get him back to his bed before morning. "Peeta!" I whisper at him and he comes to my side.
"What is it, Katniss?" he asks. "What does Snow want?"
"To return Gale," I say flatly.
"'Return'?" Peeta asks.
"Yes, return."
"Why return?" he asks as I shove the letter into his hands. He reads it and hastily shoves it in the pocket of my robe. "We need to get him to his room immediately." I nod in agreement. "I'll carry him," he says. But as he reaches to pick Gale up I stop him.
"Peeta," I say, "you're not well enough for this." He tries to grab him anyways. "You're not well enough," I say swatting his hand away.
"Katniss," he says, "if I don't do this, what happens to him?"
"I don't know." And I don't, I honestly don't know. As a group we get Gale back into his bed but have to run back to our room. Johanna's the first one back in bed, kicking her shoes off and tossing her robe. Peeta gets to my—our?—bed first and pulls the covers back and as soon as I lay down pulls the covers over us. We all fall asleep fairly fast and not much later the morning alarms go off.
As Johanna and I are getting dressed—Peeta agreed to put a pillow over his face so that we could do this—the door bursts open and Gale enters. Peeta sits straight up looking at Gale. Johanna and I are half dressed and holler for our robes which Peeta hurls at us. Gale is out of breath and glaring at Peeta. I don't know what to say or what to do. I hadn't anticipated this…whatever, this is. Gale looks like a crazed and deranged animal. Peeta's staring at Gale just as concerned as I am when Johanna speaks up. "If you wanted to see me naked, Gale, all you had to do was ask." Peeta and I smile and exchange a look, which seems to make Gale even more deranged. He takes three long steps towards Peeta when I jump in front of him at the end of the bed.
"Gale…" I say hesitantly. "What's going on?" I pull my robe closer around myself. I've never seen Gale like this ever before and I've known him—technically as long, but feels longer than—Peeta. And I cannot place this look. Johanna mouths "drugged" at me and that's when it dawned on me. We have no idea with what he was drugged. Peeta hesitantly gets out of the bed and walks over beside me, and despite my protests and pushing he stands right beside me in his pajamas. Gale gives him a once over before his fist flies. Peeta falls to the floor. "Gale!" I scream. I drop down by Peeta. "Peeta, Peeta, are you okay? Peeta talk to me." I hit him in the chest with my fist.
"Katniss!" He says, gasping. "I didn't hit a force field."
"I know," I say. I stroke his face all the same. That was the defining moment, well almost defining moment, when I knew how I felt about Peeta. When I knew I loved him. Well, when everyone knew I loved him. The beach just confirmed it, when he said no one needed him. It was that moment that I realized I do need him, and moreover how much I need him. I'm lost without him. We are completely lost without the other. I turn around to glare at Gale but he's already left the room. Johanna continues getting dressed, I help Peeta back to the bed before I tell him that I'm going to get dressed, he will and then we'll find out why we weren't in the hospital bed last night. He agrees. Johanna finishes first and leaves to the cafeteria for breakfast. When Peeta and I are dressed we walk hand in hand to the hospital wing and walk right into Haymitch.
"Good nights sleep?" says Haymitch, smiling at us.
I'm not sure how, or if I want to answer that question. But Peeta, always the one good with words speaks up. "Um, Haymitch," he says. "How did we end up in her room? The last thing either of us remembers was crying after that tape we made."
"Yeah…about that," says Haymitch. "Cressida wanted the footage of you two sleeping peacefully together, and because the hospital staff was jumping out of their skin every time one of you would have a nightmare, they agreed to move you to your room, Katniss."
"Okay…" says Peeta.
"What?" Haymitch asks. "You did it all the time on the train. And since we know why Snow took you, I don't see why this shouldn't be okay."
"Gale," Peeta and I say in unison.
"Well, who cares about that?" says Haymitch. "He's gotta quit acting like a wounded baby all the time."
I think back to the train ride at the beginning of the tour, "if you can quit looking at me like I'm wounded, then I can stop acting like it." Peeta had said that to me. I stand by the, "I didn't lie the whole time," comment. There was that one kiss in the cave, the one that made me want more. I definitely didn't have any regrets then, regardless of what Peeta or Haymitch say.
"Katniss?" Peeta says.
"Huh? What?" I say looking back and forth between the two of them.
"Have you talked to him without yelling at him?" Haymitch asks, apparently again.
"I haven't yelled at Peeta…" I say confused. Well, I haven't. Not since he's been back. I don't think I'd have the heart to even raise my voice at him, after all he's been through…after all the months of feeling sorry for myself…I did not just admit that. My jaw drops. And them I'm called back to reality as Peeta and Haymitch are staring at me.
"Where are you, Katniss?" Haymitch asks.
"You're worrying me," says Peeta.
"I'm fine," I say. Waving them both off. But I really haven't thought about how Gale is feeling, nor how betrayed he must feel. But I've chosen finally, I had thought that would bring some relief somewhere. Though one couldn't argue that Peeta is definitely feeling the relief. To know that everything I said was not a lie. That everything I said—especially in the Quarter Quell—was not a lie.
"Haymitch," Plutarch Heavensbee's voice is unmistakable. "Is Katniss, okay?"
"Of course, I'm okay," I say. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Because you seem to be in another world," says Plutarch. "What is going on in that head of yours? We got Peeta back for you. And he's safe and sound, and you never have to let him go again…except for the meeting. We need you and Johanna right away, would you go get her please?"
"Yeah, sure," I turn to leave but Peeta won't let go of my hand.
"What meeting?" Peeta asks.
"Oh, nothing to worry about, Peeta," Haymitch answers. "Just some unfinished business we have to take care of."
"Does it involve Snow?" Peeta presses.
"Of course, it involves Snow," says Haymitch. "Everything does these days."
"Now, Katniss, please go get Johanna." I nod and leave the room after pulling my hand free of Peeta's grasp, which is a lot stronger than I remember. Why didn't they want him to come to the meeting anyway? Do we have things to hide from Peeta? Is there more going on than even I know about? Why can't Peeta know what's going on, especially, since he just helped make the last propo? It doesn't seem fair to me. I turn on my heel and march right back into the room.
"Say Haymitch—" as I look over the room I notice that Peeta has been knocked out via syringe. "What are you doing to him?" I scream. Probably louder than necessary, but it really does bother me that they would send me away and then I come back and they've drugged Peeta.
"Calm down, sweetheart," Haymitch says. "He'll be fine."
"That's not what I asked, Haymitch," I say.
"We're taking him to the meeting, Katniss," says Plutarch.
"And you're doing that by drugging him, why?" I ask.
"We're not ready for him to know where they're held yet," says Haymitch.
"So now you don't trust, Peeta?" I ask them both though it's more directed at Haymitch and he knows it.
"It's not about trust, Katniss," say Haymitch. "You know I would trust that boy with my life, if it came right down to it. Though I wouldn't trust either of you with my liquor. Peeta would dump it, like the good boy that he is, and you would drink it, like the girl after my own heart, you are."
"Why aren't you being straight with me?" I ask, looking back and forth between their vacant expressions. "What is really going on that I don't know about?"
"We'll talk about it at the meeting," says Haymitch walking towards the door.
"Fine," I say. "But I'm pushing Peeta there." Haymitch lets go of the wheelchair and raises his hands in surrender.
"Have it your way," says Haymitch. "I'll go get Johanna."
I shake my head as I make my way to command. Why don't they want Peeta to know where the meetings are held? Why do they—including Haymitch—all the sudden not trust Peeta? Hasn't he already saved their miserable behinds once? Are they going to drug him every time we have a meeting? Because there will be hell to pay if that's the case. On our way there Gale comes up beside me laughing. "What's wrong with you?" I ask. Sounding more bitter than I mean it to sound.
"They don't trust, Peeta." He starts cackling. "You have to wheel him in there unconscious." He walks and smells as if he somehow found liquor, which is ridiculous cause Gale doesn't drink. He has no reasons to—okay…me…I suppose he has plenty of reasons to drink.
Because of a review I'm adding this end note. I wrote these past two chapters months ago, and had no intention of posting them, until someone asked. So please don't expect it to be at the caliber or same characterization level as my other fics. I promise everything will be explained in the next chapter. So thank you in advance for bearing with me.