*AN- suicidal thoughts ahead. Just thought I'd warn you so no one gets to uncomfortable and if you do I'm truly sorry. Also thanks for the reviews. More reviews= more chapters

Emma

There was a slight knock on my door so soft it was barely audible if it wasn't for the solace of my room I probably wouldn't have heard it. The quite knock was followed by an even quieter voice.

"Mom, dinners ready, Killian said to come ask if you wanted any" I clamped my hand over my mouth to stop the strangled cries exiting. "I don't know if you remembered but it's my birthday" tears fell silently as I removed my hand. Taking a leap of faith that my voice would sound stable. Two weeks without speaking can't be good for it.

"of course I remembered" I heard a sigh of relief and the hope in Henrys voice made me want to breakdown. He was so happy I bet he hand no idea what I had done. "I got you a present"

"you did, can I come in? " I gave him the Okay and wiped me eyes before my son walked into the room. A year, I missed a whole year of his life to that stupid dagger I missed my baby turning into a teenager. He had grown a lot he was catching up to Killian quickly and was nearly taller than me, there was an air of maturity surround him. I handed him his present it was just a framed picture of the me him mom dad Killian Neal and I. Nothing extravagant. Henry set the picture down looking my dead in the eye. "Mom" I shook my head biting my lip as the tears fell. He pulled me into his embrace. I kissed his hair as I felt his tears dampen my shirt

"my sweet sweet boy, I thought I'd lost you forever" Henry pulled away.

"I know what you did, mom, I know you killed people but I don't care that wasn't you. This is you". I smiled, he didn't get it he was too young when you kill someone anyone who felt pain over it becomes your burden to carry. But still I praised him for his effort. "Are you going to eat with us" I shook my head, I wasn't there yet I wasn't ready to face them yet.

Days passed and Henry made it routine to come and see me every night before he went to bed, he'd tell me about the days how the wind felt on myface and how the sun would bounce of the cars he reminded me what it was like to live made me crave it, but I couldn't every time I went to leave my solitary, the anxiety would build up and up until it had crushed me so painfully, I wanted to feel pain just to remind myself I was alive, I wanted to rip my hair out to cut my skin and watch as the blood cascaded down my wrist tickling my finger tips before landing on my floor, I wanted to die I wanted to open my window and leap to my death to grab a noose a have the sickening crack of my neck be the last thing I hear. I wanted to take a bottle of pills and fall asleep my last memory a nightmare.

But I wouldn't.

I couldn't.

I can't do it.

I can't be that selfish, I have to think about Henry no me but my son and my- No still not ready to admit it yet. But I have to be the longer I keep denying it the worse it's going to be when the truth comes out. So I sit on my bed legs crossed hand on my ears to block the static out and I wrestle with my inner turmoil to slip into a beautiful bed of denial and watch my child die or to take the bumpy road of acceptance in bare feet and have my child live?

Bed every time. Until one day late in the afternoon- a Monday I think. Neal toddled into my room while I'm playing conscience wars tapping my leg.

"Emma" I picked him up hesitantly, sitting him on my lap the little boy runs his hands over my cheekbones tower my eyes, tickling my eyelashes and landing on my nose. Neal kisses my nose and just like that a bumpy road sounds more comfortable than bed. "love you" I kiss his cheek pulling him in close inhaling in his sickly sweet scent of strawberries and cream. Downstairs I could hear mom and dad looking for him. Taking a deep breath I stepped over the threshold and into the corridor.

"taking the bumpy road kiddo" Neal giggled as we walked down the stairs, everyone stopped dead when the saw me. "found him him". No one moved a muscle and if it weren't for the circumstances then I would be laughing at their faces my mom had her mouth wide open like a fish and dad was half grinning half grimacing. I smiled a placed Neal on the floor. My mom and dad got back into action pulling me into a hug dad cradled my head and I sank into their embrace needing- craving love.

"Emma, we're so glad your okay, wow you're better than okay your glowing you're happy" not really wanting to my mom go of on one of her rants I decided to break the news.

"I'm pregnant" they stopped dead I stopped dead realisation hitting me. " Oh God I don't know what to do, what if hook hates me and doesn't want the baby? What if Henry thinks I'm replacing him? What if... What oh my God what if the baby dies" I was spiraling again and quickly my dad grabbed my arms "Daddy I'm scared" Tears slipped down my face and I wiped them away as my dad pulled me into a hug. My mom held Neal and watched from the sidelines.

"I know honey, it's all going to be okay" I pulled away just as the door swung open and Henry and Killian came barging through throwing the groceries on the counter.

"Henry tell your grandparents what we saw, it was the most beautiful- Swan? " I nodded bracing myself for the worst, the you used me. The our first time had no meaning because it was all part of some of your sick and twisted plan. None of it came instead he picked me up hugging me so close. He set me back on the floor leaning in for a kiss. I coughed awkwardly not really ready for him to love me just yet. He kissed my cheek instead.

"I'm sorry" he smiled but it didn't reach his eyes, I looked at Henry who was to busy telling his grandparents about what he'd saw.

"It's okay love, I understand" he was lying, he didn't understand why I was like this he didn't get why I was pushing him away. I felt like smashing my head on the marble counter. He saw it in my eyes the hatred I felt for myself he saw it because he used to feel it too. Killian reached out his hand caressing my cheek, I flinched stepping away. "Emma, hey, I forgive you please don't hide away from me I-" I cut him of tears brimming in my eyes, he couldn't love me not after what I've done he was just pitying me- No, you could see the burning desire in his eyes. He meant it he *needed* it.

"how, Killian how can you still love me after what I did, after what I did to you I'm a monster" I chocked on my tears my voice cracking "I killed people, I hurt people Daisy died because of me" I let Killian pull me to him I accepted his warmth letting it surround me wrapping me up in his love. He didn't try and kiss me again or any day after that in fact he looked at me for permission before going anywhere near me.

The days went on visits from Henry, became more regular as school finished. Small moments between Killian and I where exchanged. Then one night when embracing life and taking the bumpy road was working for me I decided to tell Killian what any one in his situation deserved to know. We lay on the sofa late at night after everyone had laid their quarrels to rest, to be resumed in the morning. I leaned into him and he laced his fingers with mine the simple ring Regina had given me to control my powers sparkling in the moonlight, I loved moments like these so raw and innocent, no underlying meaning just Killian and Emma in the moonlight accepting the truth that had yet to be said.

"Penny for your thoughts?" I smiled lightly before answering.

"It wasn't one sided you know" he sat up turning me around our fingers somehow staying intertwined. "That night on your boat, I know you think it was the Dark one using her wicked way, Killian it wasn't I did... We..." I sighed it was hard to put into words what I felt when I had no words for it. "it started of that way get you to kiss me poison your lips but then I realised that if I ever got out out of this black hole. I would need you, I would need your touch the taste of your lips the way you whispered my name that night I would need all that so that I could become loved. " he was about to cry, tears of happiness and relief.

" Emma" he trailed of there wasn't much more to say.

"I'm pregnant" Killian, for a split second in time looked at me in confusion. I bit my lip waiting his response, you know you see in movies the guy totally freaks out, either in a good way or a bad way so you just expect it too happen in real life. "Killian please say something"

"Are you sure? " I nodded, he brought my hand up to his lips. "Swan you realize what this means right" I nodded and tears stupidly ran down my face "why are you crying?"

"because I'm scared, I've never been a mom before and what I feel now this stress can't be good for either of us" I was spiraling quickly, quicker than usual. I was drown in my guilt and sadness my self pity and my desperate need to feel love he turned me round rubbing my shoulders I melted into his touch, the clock chimed midnight and hook heaved himself up of the sofa ready to leave, I was closer to the ground now rock-bottom was going to happen anytime soon. I grabbed Killian's arm "please stay" he nodded and we lay in my bed and for the first time in what felt like forever, I actually slept. Killian had pulled me out of my black whole of despair and I could see the light. The light that I hadn't seen in so long I smiled as I remember what it was like to love, to be loved one step at a time.