I apologize for this chapter taking so long, classes and my life have been in utter chaos. But thanks for bearing with me! You guys are awesome!
It must be sometime in the morning when there's a tap on the door, I roll over expecting to feel Peeta's neverending warmth beside me, but he's not there. Coin seemed to think it was a better image if we slept in separate beds for the night, since we'd be together today anyway. It's the voice that catches me off guard, "time to get up! It's another big big big big day!"
EFFIE.
I hurl myself onto the floor from the bed, with a bit more momentum than I realized I had, and crash to the floor. "Katniss?" calls Effie from outside the door before it slides open. "Are you okay?" Seeing me on the floor she gasps and runs over to me. "What were you doing?"
It's only now that I realize how much different she looks here in District 13 compared to the wig wearing, makeup encased, frilly skirted Effie Trinket from the Capitol. To be honest, I never thought I'd see her again. I was sure that something had happened to her that we didn't know about, that Snow had killed her, after all he killed Cinna … and we were informed that Peeta's prep team was executed on live television. There's been so much bad blood within our little team.
Effie still looks healthy as ever, but instead of her golden wig, she's wearing a sort of sheet on her head holding all her hair in place. Instead of her poofy dresses and incredibly high heels, she's wearing the gray uniform imposed on all the members of District 13, and the same flat gray combat boots that I normally wear. Though they seem to be so ill-flattering that I don't blame her for seeming so disgruntled.
"Katniss," she says again, "are you alright? What are you doing on the floor?"
"Sorry," I say getting to my feet, "I'm just so happy to see you, Effie." I walk forward and throw me arms around her. In the world of the Games, Effie was a close to a mother as I was ever afforded, and even though sometimes she drove me near to insanity, I appreciate her dedication to me and Peeta. She never wavered in her loyalty, though it seems that she'd probably like to, if it meant she was able to return to the Capitol..but that is unlikely. Not even Plutarch himself would ever agree to that. That's a fact.
"Well, that's very kind of you, Katniss," she says giving me a sort of patting hug.
"We thought something had happened to you," I say. "That Snow had gotten to you, and hurt you. No one ever told us you were even here until two days ago, it's great to see you, Effie." I say as a tear slides down my cheek. I'm realizing now that I might actually care for this silly fickle woman more than I had originally thought.
"I'm sure Plutarch would like you to think so," she said condescendingly. "He kept me locked up for weeks. I can't take all this gray, I need color. I miss my wigs, and my shoes, and spontaneity. There's none of that here, and it's terrible, Katniss. I feel like I'm being strangled. I don't even want to be here. I'm not a rebel. This isn't me. I'm not this depressed. Oh believe me, this is the saddest I have ever been, but I'm dying down here, Katniss." She sighs heavily. "I need to get out! I can't live like this!" After venting a little more Effie takes a deep breath, "but nevermind me. Today is about you. Today is about Peeta."
"And Finnick and Annie," I interject.
"Yes, I suppose so," she says flustered. "This is not how I would have planned this at all. Plutarch is crazy if he thinks anyone is going to enjoy what he's planned."
"Too big for you, Effie?" I ask her. I'm surprised that anything could be too big for that woman.
"Looking like this," she says gesturing to her very ordinary clothes. "Anything is too big."
"It's for a propo," I tell her.
"What?!" She lets out an exasperated sigh. "I can't be recorded!" she screeches. "Why would Plutarch do this to me?" Then she stops and stares straight at me. "Are they at the very least, letting you wear something that's not this horrible and disturbing shade of bland?" She picks the blanket up and throws it carelessly on the bed.
"Yes," I tell her. "I've got a yellow dress. Peeta has a pale blue something. Annie is wearing-" she cuts me off.
"Katniss," she squeals. "If they're going to let you wear color, then they should at the very least, let me put something on this horrid gray."
"Oh Effie," I say throwing my arms around her, "I'll see what I can do."
"Oh thank you," she says with a smile and a sigh. Then she clears her throat, "but that doesn't change the fact that today is another big big big big day! We must get you ready!" She's resumed her Capitol charm. And she doesn't complain again until I'm fully dressed and she's done my hair. She's no Cinna, but at least I look presentable. "You look beautiful, Katniss. I look like a wet rag." Then she clears her throat when she notices my closet. "Did you get these from your house?"
"Yes," I say simply.
"I must wear one," she immediately starts comparing her lack of wig to the colors that would best go with it. She decides on something pink. It is a very pretty dress and it would look fabulous if she wasn't also wearing something that resembled a turban.
"Effie," I say. "Let your hair down. That wrapping does not go with that dress at all."
"You can't be serious," she gasps. "I couldn't possibly show any hair without my wigs."
"Please?" I ask. "Just this once. You can go back to hiding it after the wedding."
"Fine," she shakes her head and pulls it off. Underneath is the most beautiful golden hair I have seen in a very long time. She picks through her blonde hair with her fingers before noticing my brush. She picks it up and starts counting. "1, 2, 3, 4," and so on up to "100." With every number she would pull the brush through her hair.
"Effie," I say mouth agape, "your hair is gorgeous."
"Oh stop it," she waves in a "shoo"ing type of motion. "My hair is terrible. Now my gold wig was wonderful. Nothing could be more superior than that wig."
"But it's beautiful," I say slowly. "Why don't you wear it like this all the time?"
"Because it's hideous, Katniss." Shaking her head at me she strips and pulls on the pink ensemble. "I suppose this will have to do." She spins looking at her back. "Oh heavens, the back is horrible." She rummages again and pulls out a silver shawl. "Ah, yes," she wraps it around her shoulders. "Much better. I can now be seen in public."
"What if they won't let you wear it?" I ask.
"Oh," she says confidently, "they'll let me. Or they'll have to rip this outfit off of my cold dead corpse."
"Is color that important to you?" I'm surprised at her hostility.
"Color is everything, Katniss. Color is what sets you apart from everyone else." She shrugs. "I suppose that's why Coin won't have any color. She wants robots. Soldiers. She wants everyone the same. She doesn't want anyone to be unique," then she looks me over once, "except maybe you, Mockingjay. You apparently can wear color!"
"For today, Effie," I tell her. "For today. I'll be back in my gray uniform tomorrow. Today is just special."
"At least you've finally said it," she laughs at me and shakes her head. "You're not being forced are you?"
"No," I say. "Of course not."
"Okay," she nods. "Because Peeta deserves the best. You're not the best, but you'll do." My jaw drops. "Oh don't worry," she says waving her hand in the air, "he loves you so it's alright."
"Gee, thanks Effie," I say flatly.
"Oh of course, Katniss," she smiles. "Anything I can do to help."
I shake my head and mutter, "that's not it," under my breath. Obviously, that's not helping, but if it makes her feel better to think that she helped, then I guess I can live with the rest of it. Then there's a gentle rap-tap-tap on the door. When it opens in comes Madge, Johanna, and Prim.
"Oh, Katniss, you look beautiful!" says Madge with a smile.
"Thank you, Madge," I say giving her a quick hug. I still can't believe that she's alive...and more to it, that Gale of all people, never even told me. "I'm glad you're alive."
"So am I," she smiles and moves so Johanna can - okay, no - Johanna shoved her out of the way.
"Hey, brainless," she bumps into me. "Ready to sign your whole life away?" she hisses.
"What?" I ask looking at her in surprise. What could she possibly mean by that? "Sign my whole life away? What are you talking about?"
"Isn't this just for a propo?" she snaps.
"Um…" I'm speechless.
"Because that's not what Peeta deserves," she shakes her head firecely. "After what we went through in the Capitol, this cannot be a ploy! This has to be genuine! This has to be real. No bullshit."
"It's not…" I say slowly, still not sure what to say. Does she really think that I would be marrying Peeta simply for the camera? Me? The person who has to be in front of the camera actually deciding that she wants to do something on the camera? Oh of course it must be fake!
"I know what you're thinking," says Johanna. "I'm just checking. I have to share a compartment with you two, so I'd just like to know if there are nights that I need to have ear plugs and a mask for or something," then she pauses, "can you even get those here? Maybe I should move out...but I don't want to move out," then she glares at me, "I actually like living with you, but you tell anyone about what I just said and I will end you."
"Calm down Jo," says Prim calmly. "Peeta's gonna be fine. And you could always move in with me and my mother, if you really wanted to move out."
"Didn't I just say I didn't?" she stares at me in shock. "Didn't I just say that-" then she looks at Prim. "You just wanted her to hear me say it again, didn't you?"
"Well," says Madge. "It seemed genuine.
"Listen cupcake," she glares at Madge - she's been doing an awful lot of that since she walked in here - "you repeat this to anyone and I'll end you too. Especially that Gale. He and I just don't get along. Too hot headed."
"Oh that's okay," says Madge with a smile. "He can take some getting used to." I stare at her and wonder, Gale hadn't told me she was there. Hadn't told me she was alive. Was there something going on with them? Were they together? If so, when did that happen? Was it before the Quarter Quell? During? After? Here in District 13? Were - are - they together? "Don't worry, Katniss. Gale's not mad at you for marrying Peeta." I stare at her unable to speak. How does she know that?
"What? How?" I'm completely lost. But before I can flesh out any of my numerous questions there's a banging on the door.
"Come on sweetheart!" hollers Haymitch through the door. "Let's get a move on!"
"Oh, yes!" yells Effie. "Haymitch is right, we are now behind schedule."
We all obediently follow Effie out of the room. Just before we get to the cafeteria where Plutarch had the whole thing organized, Haymitch grabs my arm.
"No!" shouts Effie. "No time! Behind schedule!"
"Oh pipe down," Haymitch glares at her. "I need to talk to Katniss."
"Fine," she sighs heavily. "But don't take too long." As she leaves she mutters to herself about not having been late for anything in her life, how she was even born early. How late was not in her name...and well, on and on she went.
"Now, I know that this is a really dumb question," he shakes his head. "But tradition begs it."
"You hate tradition," I interrupt.
"Yes," he nods but then immediately continues, "but I have this thing about weddings. I'd have married Bonnie, if she'd lived, but Snow took her away from me. Now Peeta, you got Peeta back. And even though Bonnie's father scared the shit right outta me, I knew when it came to getting married - which we'll never do - I knew there was one tradition he would have stuck to his guns about-"
"You want to walk me down the aisle?" I ask, both surprised and honored.
"Kinda," he shrugs. "If that's weird then-"
"No," I say. "That would be lovely, Haymitch. You're the closest thing I have to a father. I'd really love it if you walked me down the aisle."
"Good," he says before looping his arm through mine. "Let's go."
"Haymitch," I say slowly. "Thank you."
"For what?" he says.
And as the doors open to a good fifth of District 13 and all the survivors of District 12, I turn to him and say, "for keeping me alive."
"I didn't always try to," he says.
"No," I agree. "But you did."
"Thanks, Katniss," he says as some melody starts and we begin to walk forward. It's only now that I notice Peeta on the other end. They're going to do mine and Peeta's ceremony and then Annie and Finnick's...not really sure who thought this plan up, but I think they must have found some alcohol, because it makes no sense to me.
I look up front and notice Peeta staring right at me. I can't tell what he's thinking. I'm not even sure if he's happy or sad, but then our eyes meet and I realize I'm smiling, and so it Peeta. Today's been a long time coming. I mean as far as the Capitol thought - we were already married - so I guess this just makes it more "official" in their eyes, especially because it's televised.
Peeta's smiling at me, and I'm smiling back, and for a moment … it's as if the rest of the world fades away. There's no war, no Snow, no Games, nothing, just me and Peeta. Only it's true, there is a war, Snow's still alive, unless we win the Games might get even worse, and there's far more people in this world than Peeta and I … unfortunately. But as I walk closer and closer to him, it at least, for awhile, diminishes the presence of the rest.
I can't say I'm really paying attention to what Plutarch is saying, it's all big, flowery and way too unnecessary. Why he thinks anyone here in District 13 needs to hear our entire story, talk about us falling in love, being separated, and God knows what else. But then it's time to say and repeat the vows, they're scripted so there's nothing unique about them, yet Peeta says them with such conviction that I nearly faint. Peeta doesn't know this, but I've arranged for us to have our toasting later, make it official and all. That, however, is a surprise I don't want to spoil...and so few of them exist now to even talk about.
At the end Plutarch gives more emotion to the whole thing than anyone here really has time for, the whole time he's being ostentatious about the whole thing, I cling to Peeta's hand. Not entirely sure when we actually started holding hands, but I could swear it's just as tight a grip, as it was that first day on the chariots before the first Games. I've always felt safe and guarded in Peeta's presence, even with all he's gone through both in the Games and while he was being held in the Capitol, he's still just as warm and protecting, and protective as always.
When the ceremony is finally over, we take our seats in the back and watch as Finnick comes into the front, after looking around for a moment he runs down the aisle to me. Panting he exclaims, "I don't have a best man, but Katniss you're probably my best friend, and I mean I know that you just got-"
"Go," says Peeta with a smile, but before he can let go of my hand I give his a light kiss. Then I follow Finnick back up to the front and as soon as we get there, the ceremony starts. The love evidenced in the faces of Finnick and Annie leaves little room for doubt. No one seeing them could ever doubt their love. It's all over their faces. Their love is their very essence, their soul, their life.
I honestly don't think I would have survived the separation from Peeta if Finnick hadn't been here to talk to. He truly has become a best friend of mine as well, and I feel pleased and honored to have him in my life, I got lucky. And after all, Finnick was right, it does take ten times as long to put yourself together, once you've fallen apart - but when you have someone to help put you back together, that time is cut in half. I know I would have lost my sanity, if I hadn't been forced to keep it because he'd just about lost his. The whole ordeal was quite terrible. I don't know what else I could have done, or hoped to do. Without Peeta I'm nothing.
Once the ceremony has finished Finnick and Annie file out down the aisle, I follow behind them and grab Peeta's hand on the way. "You're the nicest looking best man I've ever seen," says Peeta in my ear.
"Why, thank you," I say smiling back at him. "I certainly tried."
"Well you pulled it off flawlessly," he kisses my cheek.
"Peeta?" I turn to face him, pulling him to the side of the crowd leaving the hall.
"Katniss," he says.
I decide not to explain it to him and instead grab his hand more tightly and pull him behind me.
"Where are we going?" he asks.
"I've got a surprise," I smile at him. He follows me soundlessly after that. It's an awfully long walk to the kitchen when neither of us is saying anything. Once we make it to the kitchen, I walk inside, nod at the cooks, and they leave the room. Pulling Peeta around a corner we find a blanket laid out on the floor with a loaf of bread ready to be baked, a lit fire, and two glasses of juice.
"A toasting?" asks Peeta eyes wide.
"Well, yes," I nod pulling him over. "It's not official without a toasting, you said so yourself. And I know neither of us really call District 13 home, and I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life here, but for now this is home. So this is our temporary threshold. And while I know we're both fully capable of making a fire, we simply don't have the time."
"Well yes, but-" he starts and I stop him with a kiss. There's no hesitation there. After a little bit of this we sit down by the fire.
"Now, um," I say slowly. "If I do this by myself this might be a bit of a burning...and we both know you're so much better with bread."
Peeta laughs, picks the bread up, puts it on the pizza peel, and puts it on the fire. In a very short amount of time Peeta's toasted the bread quite efficiently. He then takes it out and sets it on a rack to cool. "What made you decide to do a toasting Katniss?" he asks quite suddenly.
"I wanted it to be official…" I tell him slowly. "The Capitol already thinks we're married - except Snow, he knows that was a lie, he's too smart to believe that - and I want it to be official, because if it's not, this will just feel like another publicity stunt, even though it really isn't. I mean it is, because that was Plutarch's idea, but there was some sincerity to when I said it before the Quell."
"I thought that was all a lie," he shrugs, "just a bigger part in your plan to appease Snow."
"It was," I nod, "but there was also something genuine there. Haymitch himself said I couldn't do any better - he also said I could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve you, which is true - and so there was little of me that actually thought it would be a bad idea. Everyone has their own demons, their own way to ensure the survival of those they love, the marriage proposal was my way of attempting to do that. I guess it didn't make much difference in the end...Snow still had you tortured."
Peeta grabs my hand, "you could have stopped at living a hundred lifetimes...Katniss I would have even been alive then if it hadn't been for you in those Games. You found me, nursed me back to health, brought those berries out so we wouldn't have to kill each other, made that tourniquet so that I wouldn't die...you saved me."
"Well I wouldn't have been able to do that without you," I tell him leaning my head on his shoulder. "Without that bread you burnt, I would have died then and there. I guess you could say we've been saving each other for years now. I can't imagine not having you around and in my life Peeta. I had to suffer while I watched you deteriorate on the tv right in front of me, and I was helpless to do anything about it, you have no idea what that's like."
"I can imagine," his voice cracks, "I don't know how you did it."
"I didn't," I hiccup. "I was completely withdrawn, and utterly unhelpful for a month. That's a part of me I'm sure you'd never want to see."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because I was horrible." I sit back up and look him straight in the eye, "you remember when you said - before the Quell - how you wished you could freeze that moment in time...and live in it forever?" He nods. "All I kept thinking about - actually I refused to allow myself - to think about those moments. The kisses in the arena, all of it. You were so far away, and Snow was torturing you because of me, and I couldn't help you. I've never felt so helpless in all my life Peeta. You always know just how to save me."
"I think we can agree," says Peeta taking my face in his hands, "that we both have been saved by the other, at one point or another, and we'd probably be dead without them."
"I don't know how much more of it I could have taken," I choke out a cry, "what would Snow have continued to do to you, if they hadn't gotten you out? Would you be dead right now? Would I forever be left with only Finnick to understand how I was feeling? Would I-"
"Shh," he says wiping the tears from my face with his thumbs, "we're here now. Together. That's really all that matters." I nod. "Katniss, nothing could have prepared us for that. Nothing. When you volunteered for Prim, you thought you'd sealed your fate, that you were actually going to die, and you managed to save us both. When I volunteered for Haymitch, I had every intention of dying for you - and you know that - and for the first time we failed each other. We let ourselves get separated. It's not solely on you, girl on fire, nor me. We made that faulty decision together. What happened to me was both our faults. You did your Mockingjay thing, Snow tortured me because I wouldn't betray you...everything that's happened, everything that's brought us here, to this moment...is a result of us volunteering, of us sticking together, protecting each other….it's what we do."
"I just felt so lost," I choke. "I took the role of The Mockingjay because I wanted to help, but when I got more bold, and you got more beat down...it became increasingly difficult for me to see the rightness in any of it. You were right about the cease fire...but we also couldn't do it. We couldn't have a cease fire."
"I know," says Peeta pulling me into an embrace, "but it's what Snow wanted. And I was determined to protect you, regardless of what it cost me...I would have parted with my other leg if it meant that you would live another day."
"That last time...when you warned us of the bombing," I wrap my arms tightly around him. "I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't do anything anymore. I couldn't be The Mockingjay any longer without you...to know that you were being tortured, oh I couldn't live with myself once I understood. I can't live with myself now…"
"Katniss," says Peeta slowly, "I love you. I wouldn't trade a single moment."
"I would, I'd trade every single bad one, for a little more good."
"But at what cost?" he asks pointedly. "You were worried, quite possibly more than me, what would happen if we'd been married and not thrown into an arena, what it might have been like if you'd actually been pregnant and that hadn't been a ruse...what it would have been like to see our children forced into Games. You weren't ready for that any more than I was. That's why we have to win this war. So more kids don't have to die because of what could be our mistakes. And you know as well as I do that victors children aren't safe from the reaping. We're fighting for them. All the children we hope to spare from the massacres of the Games."
"I know," I nod. "I love you too." I clear my throat and sit up, "but if we don't get back to that party, it's unlikely either of us will survive the night." Peeta starts laughing by gets to his feet and pulls me up with him into an embrace. "As long as there is breath in my lungs, I promise you that will never happen. This I promise you."
"You'll make a great father Peeta," I say kissing him. "Of that I have no doubt."
"And you a mother," he puts his finger over my mouth when I try to object, "don't fight me on this. We're already late for our party." He smiles, kisses me and then grabs my hand and the bread as we leave the kitchen as the staff rushes in. "Thank you," he tells them and they nod as they hurry to work. We took up some of their valuable time. But as we exit the kitchen doors we're greeted by Finnick and Annie.
"Now," says Finnick holding on to Annie's hand. "I know that bread thing is from your district...but would it be okay if we did it?"
"Sure," say Peeta and I together.
"You most definitely can," I tell him.
"Thank you," he nods at me and we turn to make our grand - unnecessarily flashy - entrance.