The next day Peeta and I are both called into command. Neither of us have even the slightest of ideas as far as what they want to talk to us about, or what they have planned. I'm nervous, perhaps they'd heard our conversation yesterday and they want to reprimand me for being so hostile. Or maybe they finally understand that they really should have Peeta more involved. They could also be mad at me for telling him anything about the mission at all...yeah, it could be that.
"Katniss," starts Coin as Peeta and I look at her unsure of how to react to anything that's about to be said. Plutarch looks on at us as well. "Peeta." There's a long pause before she sighs heavily and shakes her head before speaking. "It has come to my attention that you both plan on going to the Capitol on this mission, despite my decision to not allow that before. I do not think that you have any right to decide that Peeta should go as well."
"I'm going," says Peeta firmly. "You are not sending Katniss in there without me. If you thought my volunteering for the Quarter Quell was just because I thought Haymitch was too drunk to last the night - well that is slightly accurate - then you're wrong. We have always done things together. I'm sorry, but I really couldn't care less what you have to say about the matter. You tell me not to go and I will be on that hovercraft faster than she is. If you make her leave without me, I will give you absolute hell until you yourself get on a hovercraft and fly me out there." Coin looks at him in bewilderment. "I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking that they can just separate us. They did that in the Quell by the lightning tree, and look how well that turned out! For everything that I've gone through for you - and sacrificed - you owe me this much."
"We owe you nothing, Mr. Mellark," says Coin as the lines on her face harden into one where I'm sure she'd kill us on the spot if you she didn't need us so damn much. "Regardless of what you went through in the Capitol when they took you from the arena, none of that was done to help us. You accused us - in not as many words - of doing something we shouldn't have done. While yes, we've chosen to overlook what you said, because your wife made us promise to do such in exchange for being the Mockingjay - you did nothing for us that we owe you repayment of any kind."
There is a long dead silence before a voice in the corner speaks up. Gale.
"I'm not going to be the first person to jump on a 'Mellark is right' bandwagon," he sighs moving towards the table. "He does have one thing right. He did volunteer to go into the Quell, and they did capture him, and torture him. I haven't liked it - at all - but they have always done things together. Despite how much I hate that, there is literally nothing I can do that will change that. Peeta and I are not friends," he's right, "and I don't see that changing anytime soon. But he's right. If you leave him here, he'll follow her. Better just to let him be a part of it than to have to explain away any embarrassment at having excluded him before."
"Hawthorne," says Plutarch. Clearly he doesn't know Gale's first name, and more to it, he doesn't seem to care that he doesn't know it. "What makes you think that your opinion has any bearing at all?"
"Because I'm right."
Another long dead silence fills the command room.
"I may not have been in the Hunger Games," Gale continues. "But I can assure you, that because of what they've gone through because of the Games, they are certainly more qualified than me to do anything like this. Finnick as well. They've been through the Games - twice! - and if anyone is fully equipped to deal with this arena setting, it's the three of them. And if we're being honest with ourselves, we can use all the help we can get."
Silence seems to be the key point of conversation today.
"Fine," says Coin after an unadulterated ten minutes of silence. "I just want you both to understand that I am not responsible for anything that happens to you from this point on. You are utterly and completely on your own. I will not take the blame for anything that you do or say. I will not stop the people from turning on you." And because she wants us to really understand her, she says the next line making sure that she completely enunciates every word. "You are on your own."
"That's alright," nods Peeta. "That's what we've always been."
"You won't be completely alone," says Gale slowly. "I've got your back Catnip."
"Thank you, Gale," I say and squeeze Peeta's hand. They don't get along, and there's a lot of jealousy still between the two of them, even now, but I need Peeta to know that I have his back as well. It's not a one way street. He's got my back and I've got his. We're in this together, just like everything else that we've ever done since we teamed up in the first arena. "Alone suits us. But it's nice to know we have backup."
"Alright," says Coin irritated, "now get out of here. I'm assuming Johanna Mason is going to hear about this mission too, whether I approve her or not, I assume she'll assert herself and join you as well?"
"Well, I don't know about that, per se," I quip. "She's never been super eager to die."
"Well if she decides to go Ms. Everdeen," snaps Coin. "She's your responsibility."
"Since she left the hospital she's been my responsibility," I shrug and get to my feet. "I didn't think that would change if we went to the Capitol."
"Well, she's your responsibility all the same," says Plutarch.
"Whatever happens to her, be it good or bad, it's on your head." Then Coin stands. "I've said it once and I won't say it again."
"Don't worry," says Peeta calmly. "We're leaving."
The three of us walk towards the door which opens automatically. Peeta starts to pull me to the left when Gale touches my elbow. "Katniss, can we talk a minute?" Peeta freezes and I squeeze his hand again for reassurance.
I turn to Gale, "sure." I spin to face Peeta, give him a light kiss on the cheek and tell him to meet me in the dining hall, that I'll be there shortly. He says he understands, but I can tell he's not really thrilled with this alternative. We're married now though, as pathetic as it is, he won, so he needs to not worry so much. As Peeta walks away I turn and look back at Gale. "Is something wrong? And thank you for standing up for Peeta. It means a lot to me."
"Good, I'm glad," he says quickly so it's apparent that is not what he wants to talk about. "I have a confession." Not usually a good way to start out a conversation. But I bite my tongue and don't interrupt. "It's about Madge." There's a long pause as I wait for him to continue. "I've always acted like she was this atrocious person, but it was all a front. A front because I didn't want to accept or acknowledge my true feelings."
"Which are?" I interrupt this time because I know that otherwise he is going to beat around the bush like it's nobody's business.
"This is really hard for me," his shoulders droop. "Katniss, you and I both know we're not very forthcoming with our feelings. You certainly never have been. Kissing both Peeta and I, knowing that we both cared about you. Not making up your own mind...I get it now. What you guys went through together, I'll never understand that, and I get it, really I do...but that doesn't mean it's easy for me to talk about my feelings now."
"What is it you're trying to say? Is something wrong with Madge?" I'm trying to force it out of him...he can't just start a conversation with someone else's name and then turn it into me and Peeta. That's not how it works.
"Nothing," he shakes his head violently, "forget I said anything. Peeta's waiting for you, you should go."
"Gale!" I holler at him as he bolts down the hallway. "Un-be-lieve-able," I say to no one.
"He's totally in love with her," comes Johanna's voice from behind me and I jump.
"First of all," I spin to face her, "where did you come from? And secondly, what?"
"Well, from our room," she says it as if that's really a rhetorical question, "obviously. And second, haven't you seen them together, ever?"
"No…" it comes out as a question.
"Oh," she seems surprised. "Okay, well, uh, it's obvious he's in love with her."
"How is it so obvious?" I take a couple steps towards her.
"Oh, right," she's more sarcastic than I think I'm comfortable with. "I forgot, you were a zombie...well, that's what I've heard anyways." Johanna is one of those people that doesn't beat around the bush with anything. Doesn't tread lightly on something that might be a sensitive matter. "Well I haven't even been here as long and I picked up on it. Though, to be fair, I think I knew you loved Peeta before you did."
"What do you mean?" I'm really, genuinely curious.
"Really?" she's annoyed. "Finnick told me about when he hit the force field...but I knew in the elevator, even before the Quell. You got so mad at him when I took my costume off, well his helping me take it off. I laughed myself to sleep that night, thinking how much I must have gotten under your skin," she stops and when she resumes she sounds more guilty than I have ever seen her. "When we split up at the tree...we could all see how the idea of splitting up scared you both shitless. We all chose to ignore it, but we also thought everything would be alright because we had the alliance, the plan to get out of that arena...but then someone cut the wire and everything went to hell. None of us could have known that that was going to happen...but I assure you, none of us have forgiven ourselves. I apologized to Peeta about that...did he ever tell you?" I'm about to answer but she keeps talking. "I knew, Katniss. That's my point."
She stops talking and it's almost as if she goes into an alternate time in her head because a smile spreads across her face but is gone in an instant. She closes her eyes, sighs deeply, opens her eyes and stares at me. "You have no idea how lucky you are." A single tear falls from her eye and she wipes it away quickly. "To have Peeta." She shakes her head again and takes another deep breath. "You remember in Finnick's interview, how he talked about how the Capitol would sell a Victor if they seemed desirable, and if you refuse they kill someone you love?"
I think about a very jilted Johanna in the Quarter Quell saying there was no one left that she loved. I'm instantly broken hearted for her. I mean it's clear that what happened to Haymitch is part of the reason why he drinks so much. Had she lost a great love too? Had she had someone like Bonnie, who made her a better person, who made her want to survive the Hunger Games? I can only nod in response to her question.
"Yeah, well, he wasn't kidding." She takes another deep breath before talking again. "Haymitch isn't alone. I lost my family too, and my...Peeta...my someone special." Then I can hardly believe what's happening as the absolute strongest woman I know, crumples to pieces right in front of me. She immediately sits down, pulls her arms around her legs and starts rocking back on forth singing to herself…
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
"Oh, Johanna…" I bend down to hold her but she shoots up, nearly knocking me over.
"I'm fine!" she shouts. "I'm fucking fine!" Then she runs from the hallway. I weigh whether or not I should follow her for probably about ten full minutes before I finally decide, she doesn't really have friends. I don't like dealing with feelings, but I'm pretty sure she likes it a hell of a lot less than I do. I'm going to find her...and I think I have a pretty good idea as to where she might be.
I walk through the bowels of District 13 till I come to one of my vast hiding spots. Of course she's here. It makes sense. She's shaking so violently and crying so hard that I hardly know what to say, so I take a seat on the floor beside her and say nothing. She looks at me, only to acknowledge my presence, and continues crying. We sit there for I don't know how long, but it must be hours...I also realize I never told Peeta where I was going...oops.
When she finally gathers herself she looks up and jabs a finger at me, "you tell anyone about this and I will kill you."
"I know," it's all I can say, but I know she means it.
"Katniss," she stops me as I try to stand up. "You know you're the closest thing I've had to a friend since I was a child." She looks at me like I don't understand her. "Seriously though. I won my Games, went home and no one wanted to talk to me. I didn't really try to save the boy from my District...I suppose part of that same reason might be why you tried to look after Peeta initially. But no one would talk to me. I only had my family...and Glenn." She pauses. "Glenn. His name was Glenn. His family never forgave me for what happened. Since I won my Games, all I have had has been my Tributes...and you know how well that's gone."
"Yeah, they died the first day…" I start and then stop myself.
"Yeah," she agrees annoyed, "so obviously I suck at mentoring people. Blight was better, but he was an idiot. I have no idea how he won his Games. He ran into a force field and died. I don't think Finnick would have saved him quite so quickly...he wasn't dependent on your sanity. I kind of just let him die. As I'm sure you've gathered, there's not really anyone that I care about. Blight kept saying how the alliance was stupid because none of us would probably survive...so I've gotta be honest, I didn't really feel bad for him when he bit the dust."
"Right," I shrug. Didn't really know him, so no great loss for me.
"When we split you and Peeta up…" she shakes herself and forces her voice to sound normal. "I knew it was wrong. I think we all knew it was wrong, but we were trying to get out, and that plan seemed like a good way to do it...none of us could have imagined...I mean we didn't think...we were wrong. We were all horribly, horribly wrong. You have no idea how regretful I am."
"If you're a tenth as regretful as Finnick," I interject. "Trust me, I know."
"What do you mean?" she asks puzzled.
"Well, first off he apologized for not telling me about the rebel plan...once he realized how much I cared about Peeta," I sigh, "how everyone thought the whole love thing was an act and how you all thought we would just keep on with that same thing. Then he said he was sorry. He kept saying he was sorry, not always those words, but sorry nonetheless."
"Well, we were sorry." She shrugs. "If I could go back and do my life over, I don't know that I could have done what Finnick did. He let the Capitol do what they wanted to him because he loved Annie so much. I loved Glenn, really I did, but I don't know that I could just let them use me like that." She pauses and then looks so intently at me I feel a little self-conscious. "If Peeta had died in the arena, how do you think you would handle that? I'm pretty sure you'd have it worse than Finnick."
"I don't know that I'd even be alive…" I say slowly. And it's true. I mean every word of that. Would I be alive? When I thought Peeta was going to die in that first arena I was so upset, so convinced that if I let him die there, I'd never really go home. Then in the second arena when he did die, I was absolutely beside myself. And even recently...when he was in the Capitol...it was almost unbearable. "If I were...I don't know how I could live with myself."
"Exactly why I'm all alone…"
"You're not alone," I say tapping her toes.
"Thanks Brainless," she shakes her head. "But I am. I have no family. I don't have friends...you just pity me...not the same thing…"
"I don't pity you," I almost shout. "I mean I feel bad for you, but that doesn't mean that I don't care about you or what happens to you. You've saved my life, more than once, and not necessarily just in the Quell. I don't really have friends either. I'm not really good at making them to be honest, even worse at keeping them."
"Me either," she concurs. "So I guess we'll just be terrible friend makers together."
"Ah, yes," I admit. "And I've got your back, Jo...if it ever comes to that."
"I've got yours, too," she acknowledges. "Whatever happens, I've got it."
"Good," I nod. "Glad we have an understanding."
"I've got Peeta's front too," she laughs, "ya know, if he ever needs it."
"Ha!" I exclaim. "She's funny!" I look to no one in particular, "we've got a funny one over here!"
"But really," she drops the humor and is in complete seriousness when she says, "I literally have no one else. If it comes down to the wire and it's you or me...I'll save you. That's what friends do isn't it? Make sure they get back to their family in one piece?"
"But I'll be damned if you sacrifice yourself for me."
"Katniss," she sighs and chokes a sob back. "You are the only person I have left - well you and Peeta...and Finnick - if someone is going to attack any or all of you, I'm not going to let them win, and they are certainly not going to get away with it. Plain and simple. When I said I've got your back, that is exactly what I meant."
Just then a pair of feet come bounding into our secluded area. Peeta. He flies around the corner and almost trips over Johanna and I. "There you are!" he exclaims. "I've been looking everywhere for you!"
"How did you find me?" I ask curious since no one really knows about this hiding spot.
"Gale," he sighs. "Gale told me where this spot was, said it was his best guess. Turns out his was right." Peeta tries catching his breath. Johanna croaks at him to just sit down, which he does. Then taking a minute to glance between the two of us he looks at me with a cautionary expression, "I'm interrupting something...aren't I?"
Johanna eyes him warily, "No. Brainless and I were just talking about hunting, and trees."
"Ah," says Peeta. "I'm doubting that's true, but I'll let you have it." After several moments of silence Peeta gets back to his feet, upon steadying himself he looks over at us, bends down, kisses my forehead. "I know when I'm not needed for something and I have a feeling this might be one of those instances. You ladies keep talking. I'll go back to the room, and I'll see you whenever you get there. 'Cause I'm not overbearing or anything."
I laugh a little, "I know. We'll see you there."
He nods and turns back towards the hallway when Johanna's voice stops him, "Thank you, Peeta."
Winking back at her, "Anytime."