"Who the fuck are you to judge me?" I hear Johanna shouting. What is going on? I sprint around the corner to find her standing straight as a poll, arms tense, hands in fists, right in front of Gale. "Who are you to say what makes someone weak and what makes someone strong?" She continues to shout. "When you've been in an arena! When you've been forced to kill other children, who deserve to and should have as much a right as you to live as anyone else, and you have to kill or be killed - until you have been in that position Gale Hawthorne, who the fuck are you to tell me what makes me weak!"
"Weakness," shrugs Gale. "Is a state of mind. How you won your Games was unethical."
"Oh?" she cocks her head to the side and crosses her arms. "Do please explain to me that logic."
"You pretended like you were weak-"
Johanna cuts him off, "Pretended! You said pretended! When I pretended I was weak! That implies that I'm not weak, you son of a bitch."
"I beg your pardon?" growls Gale crossing his arms and tilting his head down at her. "Cut the 'holier than thou' act Johanna. You still killed people in that arena."
"How is that any different than killing Peacekeepers now?" she shoots in a high pitched voice. "The Nut for instance! Does that ring any bells?" she points her finger in the air as if listening for something. "Oop, I can hear them. Loud and clear, like a fucking clock tower. What makes you so damn special anyways?" She glowers at him. "What makes the way that you do things, so much more superior than mine? Is it the fact that you've killed more people in a single act than I ever have? Is it some competition? What makes you so damned important?"
"It's not worth the time it would take to explain it," sighs Gale.
"Katniss is The Mockingjay," Johanna angrily places her hands on her hips. "That's why she's important. She's the face of the rebellion. She didn't even want to be, but people like you, and Coin, and Plutarch have seen fit to make her one. I won't argue that she's not effective, because clearly she is, but there is a fine line between what is acceptable in wartime and what is not … what happened at The Nut," she drops her hands and slaps him across the face. "Is not acceptable."
"It's doesn't even matter anymore," shrugs Gale. "It's in the past."
"You're wrong if you think that," Johanna shakes her head in a mixture of disappointment and disgust. "The people you kill never ever leave you. They're a constant presence in your head. The take up space with their faces, their names, their untapped potential, the way I killed them. So no, Gale, it's not just in the past. Those deaths that occurred at The Nut, will follow you for the rest of your life … and if they don't, then something is wrong."
"You know, Johanna," Gale straightens his posture and takes a step to the right. "I really don't give a rat's ass what you think of me. I'm going to live my life the way that I want to, and no one - least of all, you - is going to tell me how to do that."
"That's all well and good, Gale," she steps closer to him again and meeting his gaze with barely a few inches between them. "But if you don't feel something, even a little something, is better than no something at all. What you do and how you live your life, is clearly up to you, it's your prerogative what you do and where you go from here. But remember you this, it's the regret, the anger, the hurt that make you human, but when you cross that line - and there is a line - there's no coming back from that. The Nut was pushing it, you do much more and you will be completely useless. You will become just another pawn in the Gamemakers' Games." She pauses giving him a few brief seconds to think it over. "Are you the puppet or the puppeteer? Who is the one pulling the strings?"
"I don't see how that matters," Gale shakes his head in mock amusement.
"I can't help you," she shakes her head. "If you won't see the error, and if you won't change your ways. The people you kill will never leave you. You'll see them in your nightmares, you'll see them in your dreams, you'll see them in broad daylight - in a person who looks similar, you'll see them in the water you drink. If they can leave you so easily, so callously, then you need to do a heart check and a head check."
"Who are you to tell me how I should think or feel?" he stands straighter arching his shoulders back. "I don't think you know who you are anymore. I think that's why it's easy for you to tell other people what to do."
"Like who?" her eyes widen waiting for his response.
"Katniss, for one," says Gale.
"Katniss would listen to you before she'd sit down and listen to me, bad example, anyone else?" her eyes could be daggers. If they were Gale would be dead right now - ten times over.
"Well, she's right here, let's not bring her into it," Gale shakes his head. "Should've thought of that before you started shouting."
"Well I wouldn't be shouting if you weren't such an asshole!" I can tell Johanna is about to lose it and before anything else happens I should probably step in, but almost as if she knows, Johanna extends her arm to block me from coming any closer. "I am not going to involve her. I'm am not going to make her choose a side. And neither are you." Her arm locks around my wrist and she pulls me behind her from the hallway. I just hear Peeta's voice as he asks Gale what happened, if he gets a response I don't hear it.
"Are you okay?" I stop and yank her to a halt. "What is going on? What was that all about?"
"He called me heartless," she sighs and her shoulders droop slightly. "Said that what I did in the arena was no different than what he's had to do for the cause, for the rebellion. I wanted to make sure that he knew that those people never leave you." She looks into my eyes. "Marvel, right? The kid from District 1, the only one you consciously killed."
I nod as an answer.
"Yeah, we you see him when you shoot anything, don't you?" she drops her grip on my wrist.
"All the time," I shrug. "It's like I'm killing him over and over and over and over again. And it's my fault that most of my District died because of my arrow. That's all I saw when I went back there. All the skeletons. All the lifeless, faceless bodies, all the people who lost their life because of something I did. It was unbearable."
"And that," she points back towards where we came from. "Is the point I was trying to make."
"It's a good point," I say quietly.
"I know," she crosses her arms. "Gale should understand that."
"He wasn't in an arena though, Jo," I shrug. "He can't understand us exactly."
"He doesn't try," she shrugs. "Is my point."
There's a moment of silence in which we both try to think of what we should say next. Neither of us knowing, neither of us speaking. For Gale to call her heartless, would be the same as calling me heartless, but he'd never do that. I'm not different than Johanna really. In the second arena she was killing to protect me and Peeta, not because she wanted us alive, though now I think she's glad she didn't kill us.
All this talk of The Nut, the explosion, is placing me back in time, if only for a brief moment, I can see it all again. "So, in other words," I say. "It's a tough nut to crack."
"Exactly!" says Boggs, "and that's just what we're gonna call it. The Nut."
"Okay . . ." I say slowly.
"It's good Katniss," nods Gale. "Now it has a name and not the people."
"Which makes anything goes even more applicable?" I ask and everyone shakes their heads at me, even Peeta. So fine, I give up. I don't like military tactics, it's like being back in the arena and . . . it's like being back in the arena, there's really no other way to put it, not a one, not another way at all.
It's like being back in the arena.
"Katniss are you okay?" I'm jostled slightly by Peeta. By Peeta? I try to focus as I take in my surroundings. I'm back in my bedroom and just standing in the doorway. Peeta stands in front of me with so much concern and worry on his face I almost feel guilty. But I can't remember where I was? The last thing I remember is talking to Johanna after her fight with Gale. How'd I get here?
"What?" the only coherent verbal thought I can form.
"Are you okay?" his hands are on my shoulders as he's leaning down to come to eye level. I nod, but barely. "Johanna said you were fine, and then you just ran away. She's been hitting her head against the wall for a couple hours because she thought she offended you."
Just then Peeta is shoved aside and he nearly falls because she pushes him towards his amputated leg. I make sure Peeta is okay before I look back at Johanna. "What happened to you? I was complaining and then you just tuned me out and ran away. Like what the hell Katniss? Did I say something? 'Cause I thought we were on the same page."
"Honestly, Jo," I shake my head to try and clear it. "I have no idea what happened, where I went, or how I ended up back here."
"Good, you're okay," says Haymitch from behind me.
"What happened?" I stare at all of the concerned faces laid out in front of me. "I don't know what happened!"
"Well you left me in the hallway without a word," Johanna shakes her head and shrugs. "You just disappeared. I didn't follow you, but now I'm thinking I should have."
"I didn't see you until now," Peeta says stamping his foot on Johanna's who yelps in pain. "I've only got one good leg, push me on that one next time."
Johanna laughs and punches his arm, "Duly noted."
"Well you ended up in my compartment," shrugs Haymitch. "You were mumbling about nothing coherent. Even if I were drunk I don't think that I would have understood that. Then I just told you to come home and you walked out and ended up over here."
"So no one knows?" I ask looking at all their faces.
"No," they say in unison, shaking their heads.
"I think I'm going to lay down," I say pushing through them and yank off my shirt and pants and bury myself in my blankets. I wake up, not sure how much later, but Peeta is laying beside me, I pull him over and he wraps his arms around me. "I'm sorry I worried you." I don't know what else to say.
"It's okay, Katniss," he flexes his arms and then pulls me back against him. "I'm right here. Always." I cling to his arms and wonder to myself how I ever got so lucky, they he would have noticed me of all people, he lived in the city circle for one, he could have had anyone. He could have liked and fallen in love with anyone, but he chose me. I don't deserve it, but I'm so thankful that I have it. Peeta is what I imagine my father must have been to my mother. It's kind of scary how much, because when Snow had Peeta I was beside myself and entirely unhelpful, I haven't forgiven my mother … but I guess I can see where she's coming from now, I see how it hurts, and I see how much it hurts to lose what you thought you'd be able to hold onto and keep safe forever.
"I love you, Peeta," I mumble into his arm.
"I know," he breathes into my ear. "I always knew that."
"No," I shake my head and turn to face him, "when they whipped Gale." I shake my head remembering the moment I thought I was in love with Gale, well not in love, but that I loved him. I guess I love a part of him, the part that went hunting with me every Sunday.
"It's okay, Katniss, you don't have to explain anything," he kisses my forehead.
"I just was so scared to admit to myself - let alone anyone else - how much I cared about you, Snow knew, that's why he took you." A chill runs down my body as I think of Snow and the power that he's always had over us. "That I needed anyone. But in the Quell, when you were talking about not having a life if I died … if you died …" I inhale sharply as I struggle to breathe. Peeta starts rubbing my arms. "I just would not have been able to live without you. You were right, no one needed you, no one but me."
"Thanks Katniss," he kisses my forehead again but I propel myself up to his lips. That warmth that is always present is never leaving me for want. His arms tighten around me and I'm caught off guard at the amount of pleasure this strange little act gives. Kisses so sweet and tender-
"Oy!" screams Johanna in our direction. "Trying to sleep here!"
Then Peeta and I laugh and I snuggle into his arms and we fall asleep, I don't need anything else.