That Day…2004

Today was the day I had to tell Andy. I had to tell him about my condition, I couldn't keep it from him, Harry had confirmed that for me. Although my brother hated the fact that I could actually like Andy Brown, he wanted to see me happy, and if Andy would make me happy, then Harry could live with it. He wanted me and needed me to tell Andy about my HIV. And so, today I told him. After the endless surge in presents and gifts, I had told him to stop and I wasn't interested in him, but the truth was…I was. I was indeed so very interested in Dr Andrew Brown. It wasn't fair to keep it from him, Harry was right, Andy had the right to know about it, so he could decide for himself if he still wanted to be interested in me.

Andy came over by choice. He brought his guitar with him and he sat outside my house on my bench while he sang for me. I'd been drying off my dishes when I'd heard him there. Singing a love song. His voice was…special. He was special, to me. I looked out through my window to see him there and so out I went to him. I sat down in the grass and I listened to him sing, smiling up at him. Just smiling and I knew then I had to tell him about the HIV.

It was horrible. I started off confident that I would get it all out, but then I saw his eyes. Those eyes just staring blankly back at me while I told him what had happened while I had been out in China. His eyes on me, I felt my throat tightening up as I tried to continue telling him. I wasn't strong enough and I broke down, just after I managed to get it all out and Andy found out about it. I couldn't help it and I curled myself up into a ball in the grass, my knees tucked up and I cried as I held tightly to them as Andy stayed on that bench and couldn't think of anything to say to me. And then I felt his hand on my hair, the shuffling of his body along the bench and finally his arms around me as I cried.

I thought he would run. Run away from me and not be there. That he wouldn't be able to cope if he got in too deep with me and his feelings, and if he lost me like he'd lost Julia, it would destroy him. I would have felt so guilty if that had been the case, but Andy stayed. He stayed with me and held me like I had held that child back in China. I felt like that child, alone for so long, carrying around the burden of that disease with me, with nobody to talk to about it, I hadn't been able to talk with anyone about it because the people around me in China had all been taken from me, being killed or disappearing. Here, back home in Everwood, I had found someone I could talk to and share my feelings with, someone who wasn't afraid of the disease inside my body but cared for me, because the HIV wasn't who I am.

Thanksgiving 2004.

So, it's that time of year again…the pumpkin patch and the fir tree farm. I always get my fir two days before thanksgiving, so it can be perfectly decorated to Linda Abbott standard. Of course, that's always been a good few notches below Rose and Harry's tree decorations. But as long as the tree is nice, I don't mind. So I was at the tree farm today and Andy was there, coincidentally…anyway, I saw Delia first and she was a little nicer but not, Ephraim is always, Andy was right when he said his son was the fun one, Ephraim is lovely, he smiled at me and then Andy came over to me. We stood in the middle of all these pine trees, just talking and well, I was talking Andy listened until he pulled me to him and our lips met…it was the first time in three years I hadn't thought about my disease, about someone catching it. I felt alive, free.

Feeling Andy's lips on mine as we stood in the snow was magical. I couldn't believe it was me he was kissing, it felt so good and yet I felt guilty. Guilty on Delia because Andy had promised her that he'd never date me, ever. And I felt responsible for him breaking that promise to her, especially when he asked me over for Thanksgiving dinner at their house. I'd be invading their personal space. Surely though if Delia saw her father happy, shouldn't she be happy too? For him…? Ephraim didn't seem to mind my company, he'd just lost his mother too. Maybe Delia didn't want me to hurt her father, if he got too involved me and I got too sick…no I shouldn't be thinking about getting ill, I'll be fine, I know it. So, I agreed to dinner with the Brown's. My own fir tree would be alone this Thanksgiving in my new house. But I wasn't complaining…not when I got to spend my holiday with Andy…

So during the dinner, Delia wouldn't talk. She just made her fork chase her peas and mash around her plate. It was uncomfortable and when Andy asked if I wanted more wine, Delia flew off the handle, cursing and storming out of the room. I could feel Andy's humiliation from her outburst and I could still hear her words racing through my mind as the heat in my cheeks drained away.

'You broke your promise dad! You're gonna get drunk have sex!'

I couldn't help but think if that's what Andy had been planning or what, but somehow I wish it had been the case. I wish I didn't have to be careful around people or make sure that I had no open wounds when I was performing surgery, or kissing Andy. I wished that Delia was right and Andy had asked me, it would have all been easier. But life isn't easy, life isn't happy and it isn't fair. It's messy and tainted and deliberate…

After dinner, Andy had humbly apologised for Delia's reaction, and I just let it go. I should have said I would talk with her, put her straight on where I stand with her father a relationship with him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, I was scared of a nine year old. The nine year old daughter of the man who means everything to me, and who will mean everything to me for years to come. No matter what happens.

tbc.