It's 6am and she's barely slept. She's been drifting in and out of consciousness for a few hours, afraid of her dreams is she were to fall asleep. Afraid that seeing him, even in a dream would take away her clarity. Her phone is buzzing and she knows it's him. She doesn't want to answer, no not yet, she needs a few more hours to pretend. She needs more time to make up her mind, to commit to her choice, to come to terms with what she's about to do. But deep down she knows that's not why she wants the time – she wants him to do something to change her mind. So she picks up, painfully aware that if she doesn't do it now, this instant, she'll back out.
"Hi." There's relief in his sigh.
"Why aren't you asleep? It's 3 am in Santa Barbara."
"I couldn't sleep. Not after the way we left things."
"I think we should take a break."
"No."
"This isn't a negotiation. You came here and you swept me of my feet, and I loved it. I loved every second of it. But we were reckless, we wanted to pretend, that you are mine to have, that this isn't complicated, that we can make it work, that our kids will be fine, they'll fit in, around our whims. But you have a family, and they're your priority. And I was, I am OK with that, I'm perfectly happy in the second place. But Zoey's not, and I never want her to be. It's my job to protect her, to make sure she's built up with enough love so that life can't tear her down."
"You done?"
"Fitz-"
"No. Now it's my turn to speak." And he breathes in; he knows this is it, the one chance to change her mind, to pull her to his side, over the battle line. "I don't want a break. I don't need time or space to know how I feel, or what I want. I am yours to have, and this is complicated, but we can make it work. And our kids will be fine, they will fit in, because Liv, this, us, it's not a whim, it's the real thing. And I do have a family, and you are my priority. You are part of my family Liv. You and Zoey. Karen fell off a horse, and she was in the hospital. I had to go see her. It wasn't Karen over Zoey, it was hospital over the recital. It would have been the same choice if it was the other way around. For any of the kids. I love Zoey. And not because I love you, but because I love her, for her. She's amazing. She's so smart, and she's witty, quick. She's wise. And she loves with a full heart, she makes you feel loved. And she has the most amazing smile, it lights up the room, the way yours does too. She's not the second best, she's not in the second place, it's not a race, there isn't limited space in my heart, in my life. It wasn't Karen over Zoey Liv, it was hospital over recital." And he's done. He doesn't know what else to say. He should have said it yesterday, but his mind was clouded, guilt kicking reason to the curb. His girls were hurt and he lost clarity, for a moment he couldn't see; but now he knows what she needs to hear; he knows how to take away the fear. Or so he thinks, but she's quiet on the other line, breathing the only sign they are still alive. "Livvy?"
"It was hospital over the recital?"
"It was hospital over the recital." He confirms with a smile. He can almost hear her mind, racing, chasing the scattered thoughts, weaving through the patchwork of dreams to try and see if this is reality.
"We're a family." And it's no longer a question for him, it's a statement for her. She smiles, tears getting stuck in the corner of her smile.
"Yeah, we're a family." And for a moment they just breathe comfortably, chests rising rhythmically; miles apart but currently a single mind, one life, one love.
"Mom?" And Zoey breaks her out of the moment. She looks up, concerned, but the girl looks fine, all messy hair and sleepy eyes; there's definitely a semblance of a smile. "Is that Fitz?" And Liv nods her head. "Can I talk to him please?" He hears and softly whispers, "Let me talk to her Liv." She hands over the phone, but not before making the girl get in bed, wrapping her hands around her, pulling her in.
"Hey. Shouldn't you be asleep. It's 3 am in Santa Barbara."
"Someone's learned her time zones since last time." And she smiles.
"I read your email." And Liv is looking at her, trying to read her face, how could he not tell her he sent an email. "I'm not mad."
"You're not?"
"Nope. I was a little bit sad, but then I read it this morning, and then it was OK."
"You know I wouldn't have missed it for anything else in the world?"
"Aside from Gerry getting hurt." She's teasing; she's calling him out; she chuckles.
"Well, yes, aside from that." He's smiling. She's joking, it's her way of letting him know she really is OK, they are OK. "I love you, you know that?"
"I know." And the truth is – she does. "I'll see you after the Holidays?"
"Yes."
"OK. You should go to sleep." And he smiles, she truly is like her mom.
"Can you put your mom on the phone, just for a second please?"
"Hey. You should listen to her and go to sleep. You said she's a smart kid."
"She is, the smartest. I just wanted to say I love you."
"You too." And by the time she hangs up Zoey's back asleep, her little arms draped around Liv. She smiles, there was a spark in the girl's eyes when she handed over the phone, a spark that had gone dark last night. She smiles, but then there's a nagging feeling in her gut. Is she making the same mistake again, letting her daughter get attached, giving him another chance to break her heart, another chance to dim the spark. She inhales, but the air doesn't fill her lungs, no it's lodged in her throat. She closes her eyes and it takes her just a moment to realize – they're a family. Finally she can breathe. This isn't a mistake; and if it is, it's the one she's willing to make. It's the risk she's willing to take. And it's not selfish, or reckless or immature; it's the best thing to do, not just for her, but for Zoey too. Because pushing him away, not letting him stay, it's not just breaking her, it's breaking Zoey's heart too.
"Zoey who have you been texting the whole night? First you make me go out, for New Year's Eve, in Times Square. I can't believe I agreed. I mean what kind of a mother lets her ten year-old talk her into this?" And she's talking to herself, the girl not paying attention to her fit. "Well apparently the kind that also lets her ten year-old ignore her while she's having a mental meltdown."
"Sorry, did you say something mom?"
"Wasn't this teenage phase meant to start years from now? Or you know, possibly never?" She's looking at her daughter, but all she sees is the top of her head, her phone glued to her nose, her fingers typing away ferociously. It's too loud, and too crowded, too everything for Liv's liking. But Zoey insisted that they come, that she get out of the house. They had a quiet Christmas. Nothing much; they were saving their best stuff for Fitz, they were going to have a do-over, holidays volume two. So although she'd rather be curled up in bed right now, watching TV, she's standing here, freezing, staring at the top of her daughter's head; trying to compensate for the disappointment of the past days. And she's cranky. She hasn't spoken to him today. He said he was going to be out of cellphone range, something about going to a friend's place, and she said it was fine – but she missed him, and she wanted to hear his voice, hear that baritone. So when they start the countdown, she's relieved, she can almost go home, to the quiet, to the warmth. And Zoey finally lifts her gaze up, but not to look at the ball, her eyes are whizzing around, looking for someone in the crowd. "Zo, what's wrong?"
"What?"
"What's wrong?"
"Oh, nothing. I'm just looking."
"What for, look at the ball." And she points up, somewhat unnecessarily. And the numbers are winding down, the time is running out, the new year, full of possibilities is swooping in. And the crowd is speaking in a voice of one, counting down the seconds until the moment of the goodbye and hello, until the new takes over the old.
Nine.
"Hi." And she swears she hears his voice, but it's crazy, it's just in her head.
Eight.
But then there's a hand on the small of her back.
Seven.
And she turns around.
Six.
And he's staring her down.
Five.
And a smile stretches over his lips.
Four.
He leans in.
Three.
They're meeting halfway.
Two.
And they breathe in, together, in sync.
One.
And they're closing their eyes and let their lips crash. Her hands are around his neck, playing with the base of his hair. And his are wrapped around her waist, holding on tightly, guarding against escape. And it's a second, no it's a life, there's no real measure of time. They pull away, and for a moment they just stare, taking in the things their eyes need to say. And then he's bending down, picking Zoey up, they're both kissing her, showing her how much she's loved. And hand in hand, they're walking into the night. Into new year, a new life.
A/N: So they're sort of back on track :) The next chapter is finally Grant kids meeting Liv and Zo.