(3)
Elizabeth wept as she packed her trunk. She wept because she missed her father already. She wept because she, her mother, and her sisters were losing their security, and maybe even their home. She wept for the debates she and and her father would never get to have; the books they would never get to discuss. She wept because her father never had the pleasure of giving away any of his daughters' hands at their weddings. She wept because he had never been able to hold a grandchild in his arms. So many things they would never get to do.
Charlotte quietly helped Elizabeth pack her trunk. There were no words she could think of to console her friend. She could not even offer the comfort of guaranteeing their home. She was well aware of her husband's resentment toward her friend. While he was not a vicious man, Mr. Collins felt misused by Elizabeth, and by extension, her family. She was satisfied with her decision to marry him, but she was not unaware of his display when their guest arrived. Charlotte worried that, while he would not remove them from Longbourn, he would be clear that he did not want them there. She could only imagine how awkward that would be for all of them. The best she could offer her friend was to help her escape before her husband found out. She could at least protect Elizabeth from seeing the inappropriate happiness this would bring Mr. Collins. It might only be a delay, but the initial moment would hopefully be the worst. The loss meant nothing to him, and he had everything to gain. For herself, she felt nothing. She had not expected this for many years, and there was no excitement when it cost her friend so much.
They finished packing the trunk in silence. There was nothing to be said. For Elizabeth, it was enough that her friend was there. She did not wish to be alone with her thoughts yet, they were too much. She needed to stay busy, to keep herself occupied, with even the most basic activities. All too soon, they were done. They left the room together, and Charlotte called for assistance in bringing the trunk downstairs. They stopped at the kitchen next, where a small luncheon basket was requested. With that finished, Elizabeth slowly moved to the front hall, where Sally was waiting with her outerwear once again. She glanced at the hall clock and saw that she hopefully had only a few minutes to wait. She was not anticipating being closed in a carriage with Mr. Darcy with any degree of pleasure, but she was anxious to be home. She could only hope that he would not spend the entire trip staring at her silently. That would make this nearly unbearable.
Almost as soon as they stepped outside, they could see the carriage coming up the lane. Elizabeth turned to Charlotte and embraced her again, more tears slipping down her cheeks.
"Oh, this will never do," she said in frustration, "l do not wish to spend the ride weeping!"
Charlotte gave her a final squeeze, and then a sympathetic look as she pulled away. "I do not think anyone in that carriage will mind if you do. It is not like you do not have good reason."
As the carriage came to a halt, she added, "We will probably see you in a few days. I would expect the funeral to be midweek, and I do not see any reason why we would need to be in Hertfordshire before Monday."
Elizabeth saw the meaning behind what Charlotte meant, and showed her gratitude with a look and a simple, "thank you."
Colonel Fitzwilliam and Mr. Darcy descended from the carriage, followed by a maid. They approached the ladies and introduced the girl.
"Mrs. Collins, Miss Bennet," said Mr. Darcy, "I would like to introduce you to Nel. She will be accompanying us to London." Turning to Elizabeth, he added gently, "If you are ready Miss Bennet, we should depart."
Elizabeth nodded and headed for the carriage behind Nel, while Darcy stayed back for a moment to speak with Mrs. Collins. The Colonel helped her inside, waited for her to take a seat, and then followed her in, sitting across from Nel. A few moments later Darcy joined them, pulling the door shut behind him.
"Do you need anything else before we depart, Miss Bennet?" he asked. At the shake of her head, he tapped on the roof and they were off.
Elizabeth, disconcerted by having Darcy sit directly across from her, kept her face turned toward the window. One glance had been enough to see that he was looking directly at her. Now that she had time to sit and think, she was going to need to be careful if she did not want to end up a mess of tears again. Even if no one with her would mind, she did not want the headache that would result. She looked over at Darcy again, and to her surprise, he was looking out the window now. Apparently he was not going to stare at her the entire trip with that unreadable look. Even though, now that she knew how he felt about her, she wondered if he had been admiring her. But why look so solemn? Was it because she was unacceptable as a wife? Maybe the internal battle was so frustrating that he was as annoyed as he had looked.
Elizabeth moved her thoughts to his proposal. In this new light of her and her family's virtual poverty, and soon to be nearly complete dependence on their relations' charity, she wondered if she should regret her refusal. Would Mr. Darcy support her family if they were married? She thought, with her newly gained knowledge, that he would have simply for the obligation if nothing else. But would she have been allowed to spend time with them? She wondered if he would have tried to cut her off. If he despised her family that much and considered marrying her such a degradation, as he had clearly stated, that did not bode well for lasting affection. She could only imagine the eventual disaster of the relationship. Her power would sink over time, and he would grow to regret his decision. How long before he would resent her completely? It would have been worse than her own parents, where at least they had had mutual affection that had slowly dissolved into indifference. She and Mr. Darcy would have despised each other in a matter of years. She shuddered; no financial security was worth that. She would sooner find work as a governess to support her mother and sisters.
Darcy looked up at her shudder and asked, "Miss Bennet, are you warm enough?" She replied in the affirmative and went back to looking out the window.
He wondered what she was thinking about. Was she worried about her family's security? He knew that her home was entailed to Mr. Collins, and Caroline Bingley had intimated that the girls had virtually no dowry to speak of. What would they live on? Would they continue at Longbourn? How long could they depend on Mr. and Mrs. Collins to be accepting of them underfoot? Would Elizabeth be open to marrying him now, even if it was just for the security of her family? Did he still want to marry her, knowing how she felt about him? He still loved her, to be sure, and she had given him enough credit to believe his side of the story about his dealings with Wickham. But was that enough? Did she still consider him the last man in the world she could ever marry? He felt so strongly that she was a good match for him. He lived for her lively smiles and her intelligent conversation. If he went down that path, he could see them having their debates in a more intimate setting, and he felt warm at the thought. Sitting in the comfort of his library at Pemberley, he could probably discuss crop rotation with her and find it fascinating. Her sparkling eyes and love for life would bring him such joy. Life with Elizabeth Bennet would never be boring. Could he make her see that he was not as bad as she had made him out to be? Would she be able to eventually love him in return? Could he accept her never loving him?
Darcy let out a small sigh which attracted his cousin's attention, causing him to raise an eyebrow. He did not know how Fitzwilliam had kept quiet so far. He could not remember a time when a carriage ride with his cousin had not been filled with talk. He supposed it was for Elizabeth's sake. They would not want to accidentally stumble upon a topic that upset her. He could see burning questions in his cousin's eyes, but hoped he would wait until the safety of Darcy house before he pounced. Darcy was not looking forward to the conversation, but if it had to happen his study was the preferred place.
Darcy checked his watch, and saw that they were only about a quarter hour from their anticipated arrival in Bromley. They would have a short rest there before continuing on to London. He decided to try to speak to Elizabeth. He needed to take this opportunity, to see if he could have a chance. If she refused, it was highly unlikely he would ever see her again. He would not be much worse off than he was after last night, and he would not have to live with the regret of wondering. Now he only needed to invent a way to get her somewhat alone. He could try to enlist Fitzwilliam's help, he supposed. That would not reduce the questions for later, but if it gave him time with Elizabeth, so be it.
They reached the outskirts of Bromley and made their way to the coaching inn there. The carriage came to halt, the gentlemen exited, and Darcy whispered his need to speak to Miss Bennet alone to his cousin, before helping Elizabeth down. He moved back to allow the Colonel to help Nel.
"Do you need to refresh yourself in the inn, Miss Bennet?" Darcy asked. At her negative, he decided to be up-front about speaking with her, "Then, if you do not mind, I would like to speak with you for a moment."
She looked a little startled and hesitated, but answered with an affirmative. Darcy offered her his arm, and after another moment, she took it. He led her away from the others, but kept her in the open. Darcy, knowing that he only had few moments, decided to be short and to the point.
"Miss Bennet, I realise that you have already told me that you have no interest in marrying me, but I thought, perhaps with your change in status, you would change your mind. I would wish to offer for you again," he said hurriedly.
Elizabeth froze. She closed her eyes and tried to keep a tight hold on her emotions. She knew she could not afford to be very choosy anymore, but still, how on earth could he think they would be compatible? How could he be so insensitive as to ask on the day she found out her father died? She should have anticipated this possibility and come up with a reasonable response. She did not want respond angrily again. She must have taken too long to answer, because Darcy spoke again.
"Miss Bennet?" he asked, and then rushed on, "I wish to know that you will be safe. I do not think I could live with myself if I knew you had to degrade yourself because of your circumstances, and I could have prevented it. If you were to take a position in a household where you were taken advantage of, you could be ruined. On the other hand, if you find yourself in the position of needing to marry, why should it not be me? I can and would take care of your family, and you would know they were safe. I would treat you well, Miss Bennet."
Elizabeth held her hand up at this and said, "Please, Mr. Darcy, a moment," and she was quiet again.
She could see his reasoning, and she could agree with his concerns, but could she marry him? She needed time to think! Was her life truly going to be so awful, that this would be her best option? Could she ask for time?
"Mr. Darcy," she finally replied, "I appreciate what you are offering me, especially a second time, when I was already cruel to you before. Do I need to answer immediately, or can I have time?"
Darcy hesitated, glad she was not rejecting him outright, or getting angry.
"What kind of time?" He asked. How long would he need to wait?
"A few weeks?" she requested. "I would like time with my family, for my life to settle. This is likely the single, most important decision I will make in my life," she said, "and I do not wish to choose rashly." She paused here, "You say that you want me, yet you speak of my circumstances as a degradation, of me as a known poor choice."
Darcy interrupted, "No!"
But Elizabeth kept speaking, "I do not know what you are genuinely thinking, but I know what I hear. If you wish to marry me, I would like time to decide if the possibility of you coming to regret and resent me is worth what you are offering. I am sorry if this offends you, but if a marriage occurs, I think openness and honesty will be necessary for us to even have a chance. We have misunderstood each other too much for anything else."
A horrified look crossed Darcy's face during this declaration. He felt his jaw clench against the frustration he felt. She had rendered him genuinely speechless. Was this what she truly believed? No wonder she had refused him the first time!
He could not deny her good sense, though, in asking for time. He was starting to see that he might need a little reflection himself. He needed to figure out how to speak to her without constantly causing offense.
He finally asked, "How do you propose we meet again? Do you wish for me to call on you at Longbourn in a few weeks?"
"No," she replied, "because if we decide to the negative, I do not wish to give rise to questions." She thought for a moment and then asked, "Would you be willing to call on me at my aunt and uncle's home in London?"
He would do anything for a chance with her, it seemed.
"Of course," he replied, "but how will I know when to come?"
"Will you be staying in London for at least the next month?" At his affirmative, she went on, "If you will allow me to introduce you to my uncle when we arrive, I will ask him to call on you when I return to town. My aunt and uncle are very discreet, and will not gossip. Also, if we come to an agreement, I would rather you asked his permission, since I am not yet of age, than my mother. Does this meet your approval?"
She had ordered everything so well, even though she had appeared so surprised. His estimation of her rose further. This waiting was going to be a trial like no other, especially with the genuine uncertainty she left him feeling. Only Elizabeth Bennet could be so far from mercenary.
"I can see no fault in your plan, Miss Bennet, and I will respect your wish for time. May I just say that I truly believe that I could never come to regret marrying you? No man in his right mind could," he added.
She acknowledged this with a raised eyebrow. There was nothing more to be said at the moment, as they both needed time to reflect. He offered her his arm once more, and they headed back to the carriage. Their companions were waiting for them as it was.
A/N: The point of this AU is to force them to learn and grow with each other. Much more painful. Bring on the awkward, uncomfortable, and unfiltered truth. :)