(11)
The following Monday found Darcy in his study once again, though this time his sister was home. He was working through business matters when he heard commotion in the hall. Unlike the previous week, this time it was much louder.
Darcy heard his Aunt Catherine bellowing, "Where is my nephew? I must speak with him at once!"
This time there was also no pleasant knock at the door; Morris did not even open it as his aunt slammed through it herself.
"Darcy, tell me it is not true! Tell me you have not made ridiculous promises to that ungrateful, impertinent girl!"
"Aunt Catherine, please, would you take a seat?" was all Darcy said. He knew it did no good to lose his temper with his aunt.
"No! I will not sit down until you promise me that you have not become engaged to that, that, grasping, social climbing, temptress!"
Darcy sighed, his aunt's behavior was hopeless, really.
"I am engaged, the banns were read for the second time yesterday, and I would appreciate your respect of my future wife."
"Have you lost your reason? You cannot marry that girl! Think what you owe your family! Why did you not consult us before the banns were begun? You cannot possibly think to attach yourself to a woman who does not even have a home, and it is so much more difficult to extract yourself after the banns have started. She is a poor relation of my former parson for goodness' sake!"
"Aunt Catherine! I will ask you again, please do not disparage my fiancee. She is the daughter of a landed gentleman. She may not have a brother to inherit the family home, but that does not remove her from the gentry."
Lady Catherine scoffed and then continued, "What of your engagement to Anne? Where is your respect for her? Are you to abandon her for this nobody? Will you dishonor your mother's memory so easily?"
"I do not remember ever hearing of an expected engagement between Anne and me from anyone but you. My mother never mentioned it, nor did my father. Aunt Catherine, even you did not begin to say it until after his death."
"Your mother and I discussed it when you were both infants, and you were too young when she died to be told. Your father knew, but if he could not be bothered to tell you, it does not make it any less true. Now, when you should be bringing our dearest wishes to fruition, for it to be prevented by a woman wholly unallied with the family; of inferior birth and no importance in the world. Think of the condition of her mother's family! You will be laughed at, ridiculed!"
"Aunt Catherine, I will not ask you again, I care deeply for Miss Bennet, and I will not have you disparaging her honor in such a way."
Lady Catherine sneered at this, "Care for her! Ha! It is an infatuation; her arts and allurements have drawn you in. You cannot possibly love a woman like her, and her appeal will wear off. Then where will you be? Regretting your decision for the rest of your life. If you marry a lady of Anne's quality, there is nothing to regret."
"You are wrong about that, Aunt Catherine, I love her and will marry none but her. Even if I did not marry Miss Bennet, it would not make a marriage between Anne and myself any more likely."
He was growing quite aggravated at her repeated slanders against Elizabeth. How did she think this would help her cause? It was more likely to result in the end of all communication between them. He would not stand for mistreatment of his wife.
"That is exactly what that ungrateful girl said. Listen to you, you have been taken in by her. I told her she would be the ruin of you!"
Darcy snapped to attention at this, "What did you say? You have spoken with Miss Bennet?"
"I have called on her. I thought she was reasonable. I thought she could be worked on. But she was an obstinate, headstrong girl. I could not get satisfaction from her, so I came to you. I see that you are just as unreasonable."
Darcy's heart slowed. What had his aunt done? What had she said to Elizabeth?
"Aunt, what precisely did you say to her?" he asked.
"I asked her to break the engagement! I told her she is of inferior birth without family, connections, or fortune. I reminded her of the condition of her mother's family, and I told her she should not quit the sphere in which she was brought up. She had the gall to respond that if you do not object, then neither should I! The impertinence! She is completely unfit for the position of Mrs. Darcy, but she is determined to ruin you and make you the contempt of the world! I told her about your engagement to Anne, and she brushed me off. I told her she would never be acknowledged by the family, and do you know what she said? That if I represented the family, it was no great loss to her! She was rude and unfeeling! She has no respect for the position of our family. She has no respect for rank. I am not used to such abusive behavior. I cannot believe you plan to embarrass the family by presenting her to the world as your wife!" she finished in disgust.
A feeling of dread stole over Darcy. Until that moment, he had not realised how Elizabeth could have been so offended by his original proposal. Listening to his aunt repeat nearly everything he had said himself, he saw. Her language may have been harsher, but he saw the insults he had spoken for what they were. He saw how he had not taken her feelings into consideration because of the resentment of his own for her. He saw the hypocrite he was now, offended by the words of his aunt while still feeling justified in his own. His cousin had tried to tell him, had explained these very things to him. He had heard what Fitzwilliam had said, but he had not heeded it. He had not acknowledged that he had been wrong to speak to her that way. Until this moment, he had still felt justified. It was no wonder Elizabeth was worried he would resent her and cut her off from her world; he had told her as much. He needed to tell her he knew he was wrong to speak to her that way, to even feel that way. He needed to reassure her that he would be more mindful of her feelings in the future. He needed to go to her now!
"Aunt Catherine, I am marrying Elizabeth Bennet, and there is nothing you can do to change that. I hope that you can come to be happy for us, but if not, I am sorry that our relationship will, by necessity, end. I will not allow my wife to be dishonored in such a way, and she will take precedence in my life. I must beg you to excuse me now, I have something very important to attend to," and he left his study and a gasping, huffing Lady Catherine, calling for Morris as he did so.
When his butler appeared he asked, "Can you please see that Lady Catherine is attended to before she takes her leave? I have had something important occur that I must attend to immediately, and I do not know when I will be home. Please call for the carriage, and alert Miss Darcy as well."
"Certainly sir, please let us know if there is anything we can do to help."
"Thank you, Morris."
As he turned to gather his outerwear, Georgiana appeared looking rather pale, "Brother, what is happening? Why is Aunt Catherine here, and why did she say such awful things about Elizabeth?"
"You could hear that?" Darcy asked, appalled.
"Some of it. I think the whole house could hear her. Her voice is rather...forceful."
Darcy sighed, "I will deal with that later. Right now I need to see Elizabeth. Aunt Catherine went to her first."
Georgiana's eyes widened, "Do you think she said the same things to her?"
"I do, that is why I am going."
"Oh, Fitzwilliam. Please let her know that I cannot hardly wait for her to become my sister. I think she is wonderful," she said earnestly.
"I will, thank you, Georgiana."
He said goodbye and was out the door to his waiting carriage.
In the short ride across town, he thought back to the argument in the sitting room at the Hunsford parsonage. He recollected his manners and expressions during the whole of it, and he was ashamed all over again. He had thought he was showing her how he had overcome scruples to marry her, but now he realised he had resented her because of his feelings. He had been frustrated with himself and had blamed her. In that frustration, he had laid out all of the reasons he had tried to use to argue himself out of loving her. He had used it as an excuse to disparage the people she loved without thought for her feelings. He had pushed her feelings aside, the same feelings he so desperately wanted to capture. How had he possibly thought that would work? He had already been proven wrong in regards to the Gardiners. He thought about the remainder of the Bennets, really thinking about them for the first time. He had not taken the time to get to know them because he had not thought them worth his effort. But if he loved Elizabeth, her family came with her. Should that not be enough to make them worthwhile? His cousin had told him that if he truly loved her that he should feel lucky to have her. Did he feel lucky?
He arrived at the Gardiner house on Gracechurch Street, hurried out of his carriage and up the steps. The butler answered the door.
"Hello James."
"Mr. Darcy."
Remembering Bingley from the other day, he asked, "How are you today?"
James looked surprised for a moment before schooling his features and answering, "I am well, thank you for your concern, sir."
"Is Miss Bennet at home?" Darcy asked.
"If you will give me a moment, I will check sir."
James left him in the hall for a just a moment before returning.
He came back with a disapproving look, "She will see you, if you will give me your things, sir."
Darcy handed his outerwear to James and curiously followed him to the sitting room. He entered the room and saw that Elizabeth was alone, sitting in the window across from the door. She turned to look at him, and he saw her face was pale. His heart lurched. He left the door open, for James peace of mind and propriety's sake, and crossed the room in a few long strides, but did not touch her.
"Elizabeth, I..."
He was thrown off by her lack of anger. He had never seen Elizabeth so subdued before. Why was she not angry? And why had he not thought of something to say on the drive here? Where was her aunt? Had she been alone when Lady Catherine had accosted her?
"Elizabeth, are you well?" he finally asked, feeling the inanity of it as he said it. Curse his lack of sociability!
"I do not know," was her only reply.
She did not know. She was still trying to decide if Lady Catherine's opinions would be the general opinion of his family and friends. She was worried about her ability to hold up to constant derision and the possibility that it might be her life now. On the other hand, she knew that Lady Catherine was a rather absurd, and it was very possible that no one else would even think that way, let alone so rudely express it.
Elizabeth also felt the sting of truth in some of Lady Catherine's language. She was acting mercenary, and it bothered her to be called out for it. She could pretend that it was fine because Darcy knew that she did not love him, and that she had not tried to tempt him, but she was still marrying him for reasons that went against what she believed in. She did not like compromising her values, especially for money.
She was thoughtful, but clearly not angry. Darcy was so used to her passionate responses to everything that he was at a loss on how to react.
"You are not angry with me?" he finally asked.
"No, why would I be?"
"Because my aunt was just here, and I can only imagine how awful she was. The little she repeated to me was bad enough."
"You do not control your aunt, she is her own person. I do not hold you responsible for her behavior."
"But it is because of me that she was here," he answered in confusion.
Elizabeth looked at him for a moment before responding gently, "Your family is a part of who you are, but I cannot hold you responsible for their actions. Yes, you can do your best to shield what you are not proud of from the world, but in the end there is only so much you can do. I agreed to marry you knowing that your family might not accept me. I will not hold that against you."
Darcy closed his eyes. She could say that because she knew all too well what it was like to be judged by her family's behavior. He had thrown it at her as a fault, but she did not return it in kind. His cousin said he should feel lucky to have her if he was truly in love, and now he could say with assurance he was. He opened his eyes and looked directly at her.
"I do not deserve you," was all he said.
That was not something she had ever expected him to say.
"I do not understand."
"I have treated you abominably, and you are returning it in kindness. I all but coerced you into marrying me, yet you do not seem to hate me. How can you not? I feel guilty for doing this to you, yet I am selfish enough to not let you go. What kind of man does that make me?"
"You did not coerce me into marrying you. Had you compromised me, I would say it was coercion, but you did not. You are a man of honor. I knew that before our engagement. I would not have agreed to marry you if I thought you were anything less."
She looked out the window again before continuing, "Besides, I have no place to judge. I have done things I am not proud of, either."
Darcy reached out and placed his hand on her arm. She did not turn to look at him, but she did not flinch, either.
"How can you say that? You are marrying a me to save your family from possible destitution. I would call that very honorable."
She turned back to look at him with tears in her eyes, "Forgive me, but I am marrying a man I do not love, basically for his money. I resented you for even asking me, giving this as a choice, yet I accepted you. While I am coming to appreciate you more, I still do not love you." She turned her face away at the last and whispered, "I am sorry."
Elizabeth took a moment and then turned back to him again, "When asked about it, I am evasive and allow people to believe it is for love, because that is easier than explaining the truth. How is that honorable? It goes against everything I ever said I believed to be important in marriage. I am a hypocrite, and I am ashamed of myself."
She stood and walked to a sofa and sat. Darcy followed. While it was hard to hear her say she did not love him, it was not a surprise. How could she when he had treated her so?
"I do not think you are mercenary. I knew you did not love me when I offered the second time. You rejected me the first time, when you could have hidden that fact from me. That is when I knew for certain you were not. Besides, I have not given you reason to love me; my treatment of you has been appalling. Is this why you were sad when I came in? Elizabeth, whatever my aunt said, you cannot take her seriously."
"She did not say anything that I did not know already. When she declared me mercenary, I carefully answered to make it look as though I am not. It was deceitful, and I am not proud of it."
"Elizabeth, I do not see anything wrong with keeping what is between us private. My aunt has no right to know what is in our relationship. In fact, I prefer to keep this quiet. Not because I am ashamed, but because it will be easier on you if the world believes us to both be in love. Please do not feel guilty for it."
Elizabeth looked at him quietly for a moment, and then let out a small laugh.
"Five weeks ago, would you have imagined that we would be trying to defend each other, to each other?"
He looked surprised for a moment, and then smiled.
"That is ironic," he replied, "but I think it speaks well for our future."
"That I begin to think well of you, rather than jumping to the worst conclusion of the motivation behind everything you say and do?" she asked with a smirk.
"What have you said that I do not deserve? Elizabeth, my aunt's behavior has made two things very clear to me. First, that my words to you at Hunsford were rude and unacceptable. I cannot look back on that evening, and really, everything that came before it, without feeling heartily ashamed of myself. You were right, I am arrogant and conceited. I did not take your feelings into account. It is ironic, is it not, that while I scorned mercenary women, I assumed my fortune and position were enough to entice your acceptance? I had no doubt of being received merely because I had grown used to having my own way in everything and thought so well of myself. It is painfully humbling to acknowledge, but I am grateful that you are not afraid to speak up when I am wrong. You are good for me, Elizabeth. You make me a better man.
"Secondly, I have no right to accuse you of having embarrassing relations. My aunt was cruel today in a way your family could never be. She sought to order things to her liking through tyranny, and I am sorry that you were exposed to that."
Elizabeth was embarrassed at his confession, and felt guilty that she did not return his love. Unable to handle the uncomfortable feelings that came with that conversation, she instead chose to change the subject.
"Do you not think that the rest of your family will share the same opinion as Lady Catherine? Even if they are more polite in their expression?"
"I do not. I have spoken with my Aunt Fitzwilliam, and, while skeptical, she is predisposed to like you for my sake. She has promised to give you a fair chance."
"So you do not think my tea later this week will go the same as today?" she asked cheekily. "You do not think that I will need to offend all of your exalted relations?"
He smiled at the return of her humor. He sorely missed it when it disappeared.
"While I do not think you will be required to defend yourself to everyone, I have no doubt that you would be perfectly capable of rising to the occasion."
"So my impertinence knows no bounds?"
"I think you have enough energy to take on whatever the world asks of you. You are also, rather alarmingly fast, teaching Georgiana the same. Do you know that she has made fun of me at least three times since meeting you? I do not recall that ever happening before. She adores you, and asked me to tell you so today, for better or worse," he finished ruefully.
She gave him another brilliant smile. He hoped those never stopped taking his breath away. Looking at her beautiful face, he felt an overwhelming longing to touch her.
"Elizabeth," he whispered as he reached his hand out to brush her cheek with his fingers.
Her eyes widened and she gasped, but did not pull away. She was too startled to react at first. Darcy's fingers were very gentle.
When her lips parted on the gasp, the temptation was too much for Darcy and he leaned slightly toward her. She began to tremble, which made him hesitate for a moment. He did not want to push her.
"Mr. Darcy!" Mr. Gardiner said a little loudly, but not harshly.
He had just come upon the open door and the couple sitting inside; apparently not a moment too soon. He trusted Mr. Darcy, but a man in love does not always think.
Darcy's hand dropped and he quickly backed away from Elizabeth with a contrite look on his face. He knew better than to put her in this position.
"Lizzy, are you well?" her uncle asked.
They both stood, and she turned her face toward him, which she could only imagine was bright red to match the hot flush she felt go across it at the embarrassment of being caught.
"I am well, Uncle," she murmured quietly, unable to quite meet his eyes.
"Where is your aunt, and how long have the two of you been alone in here?" he asked suspiciously.
"Aunt Gardiner is out at the moment," his niece answered, and her voice dropped to a mumble as she added, "and I do not know how long Mr. Darcy has been here."
Mr. Gardiner turned to Darcy with his eyebrow raised.
Darcy responded uncomfortably, "We have been alone for above a quarter hour, I believe. Please believe me sir, nothing inappropriate happened."
"Yet," replied Mr. Gardiner.
Darcy turned a little red himself at this response, but said nothing. Her uncle had every right to call his behavior out.
"I realise that the two of you need time to work out your differences, but I do believe you know better than to spend that time alone in a room together. While I am grateful that you left the door open, when I walked in your positions were not exactly proper. You will be married soon enough. Until then, I expect you to have a chaperone with you at all times if you are not in public. It will do Lizzy's reputation no good to have rumor of compromise circulating."
"Yes, sir," responded Darcy, knowing full well that Mr. Gardiner was correct.
"I understand, Uncle," was Elizabeth's quiet reply.
She was still trying to decide if she was happy that her uncle had interrupted. She knew it was inappropriate for them to be alone together, but she was naturally curious, too. She thought Mr. Darcy had looked as though he was going to kiss her. She was nervous at the prospect, but not entirely opposed to the idea. They were going to be married in a few weeks, and he would have the right to whatever he wanted then. The thought caused her to flush all over again. She had not thought about him exercising his husbandly rights before. She was definitely not ready for that, whatever it entailed. She knew some, from growing up around their farm, but surely it could not be like the animals, could it? Oh Lord, could her face feel any hotter? She desperately tried to think of something else. These were not topics to ponder in front of Mr. Darcy himself, nor her uncle!
Mr. Gardiner saw Elizabeth grow more embarrassed as she stood there in the silence. He was not sure what was she was thinking about, but he felt it best to move the conversation along.
"Is everything alright, Mr. Darcy? I do not believe we were expecting you today."
Darcy had seen Elizabeth's worsening blush as well, and while he was very curious at its cause, he saw what her uncle was doing.
"Ah...this was an unexpected visit. One of my aunts came, and visited Miss Bennet and then me. She is not looking with particular favor on our match. I wished to check on Miss Bennet, and reassure her that I have told Lady Catherine that she is not to interfere again. I apologize for coming unannounced, but felt it was important."
He returned to addressing Elizabeth formally, hoping that would help sooth her uncle's worries over his behavior.
Mr. Gardiner looked at Elizabeth in concern, "Are you sure you are well, Lizzy?" he asked for the second time.
"I will be well, Uncle. Mr. Darcy has reassured me on any worries I had, and his aunt was not that harsh. She mostly tried to bluster her way to what she wanted, to no avail. You know me well enough to be aware that tyranny does not work with me. She left here quite frustrated, I am sure."
Mr. Gardiner smiled at the strength Elizabeth showed.
Darcy did not wish to leave Elizabeth's presence yet, but he thought they might both need time to think. This day had been emotionally draining, with the excitement of his aunt's visit and all of his self discovery.
"If it is acceptable to you, Miss Bennet, I will take my leave now."
Elizabeth found herself hesitating, "If you would like. Thank you, Mr. Darcy," she looked directly into his eyes, "for your concern at my well being."
She smiled again, and Darcy knew it was best if he left. Her uncle might read something rather mortifying in his eyes if he did not. They had provided Mr. Gardiner enough worry for one day.
He said his goodbyes and was back to his carriage in a few minutes.
Darcy reflected on the visit during the carriage ride home. He felt that Elizabeth had believed in his contriteness, and he had also noticed that she had not seemed to object to the almost-kiss, which thrilled him. She had indicated that he was growing on her. He felt very satisfied at that, and he could not ask for more right now. Considering his treatment of her over the course of their relationship, he knew he was lucky. How she was beginning to genuinely care for him when he had done nothing to deserve it, he did not know. He wanted her to love him, but no longer just for his own sake. She would never be truly happy if she did not love her husband, and her happiness had become paramount to his own.
A/N: I have always thought that while Darcy genuinely loved Lizzy by Hunsford, it was a selfish love. He loved her then for what she could do for him. He wanted her smiles and her vivacity in his life to bring him pleasure. I think that was all he understood then. After her dressing down during the first proposal, he needs to go through some personal growth to be ready to love her selflessly. Instead of what she can do for him, it becomes about what he can do for her. When he does that, and then Lizzy sees it, that's what kicks off her love in return. Even though he doesn't realize it, he has been showing signs of this since Hunsford. She already begins to feel guilty here for not loving him. In the original his true love comes first and hers comes second, but we don't get to see the space in between so much. She will help reassure his self-worth when she is ready.
I could get on my soap-box for hours about how I see selfish love as the downfall in so many relationships in the real world, romantic or otherwise. In the US at least, we are taught that people should be discarded if they don't bring us happiness. Darcy is by far not alone in thinking this is what love is. All types of relationships take work, they aren't always easy. That's what I always saw Lizzy truly giving him, the happiness that comes from selfless love.