"I found grandma! And I got you your coffee." Zoey exclaims excitedly as she swings the door of the hospital room open, Diane following close behind. "The lady in the cafeteria said that this much caffeine is really not good for you and you should consider leading a more stress-free lifestyle." She recites it with a grin handing him his triple espresso.
"I like that lady." Liv speaks up, her voice cheerful, but not really, not quite. And she flashes a smile, but it's not right; no he can tell she's upset by the comment. His hand squeezes hers gently, and he lowers his lips to her forehead, kissing it. He whispers softly, so that only she can hear, "I'm good. I promise." Her smile instantly widening.
"Why don't you update mom before I can snatch that coffee from your hand and drink it myself, and Zo and I will hang out." He gets the hint straight away and walks over to Diane, leading her out.
"Come here Zo." She pats the empty space on the bed next to her and shoots the girl a mischievous look.
"You sure?"
"Yes. I want to cuddle with my baby girl." And in moments they're a big spoon and a little spoon.
She's absentmindedly smoothing out Zoey's unruly curls thinking of a way to start up the conversation that they need to have, when the girl breaks her out of her thoughts.
"Is Fitz OK?"
"Why would you ask that?" She can't see her face; she can't tell – what she knows and what she's just guessing at. She tries to keep her voice even, tries to sound calm; but she's panicking internally. She doesn't lie, not to Zoey, that's just not the way they are. But this, this is different, this is cruelty of life that a twelve year-old shouldn't know about.
"Well he hasn't been sleeping and you seem really worried about it." She turns her head slightly to the side so that she can look her mom in the eye. "Worried about him."
She kisses her temple and with a deep breath says, "He's not OK. Not yet, but he'll get there. We'll get there." She kisses her temple again, and squeezes the arm that's wrapped around the girl's abdomen. "I want to talk to you about something else though." Zo nods her head and gives her a half-smile encouraging her to go on. "We haven't really…" She doesn't know how to say it. It's so very last minute. They should have had this conversation months ago, but somehow, somehow life got in the way; life got out of hand. "We haven't really talked about how you feel about the baby and everything. A lot's been happening and we didn't really get a chance to talk about it. It's been us for such a long time, just you and me and then there was Fitz. And suddenly we're getting married and having a baby and I just feel like… Like maybe I didn't give you enough time to adjust."
"What are you talking about mom?"
"We were always a team, you and I. And I just don't want you to feel like I'm somehow leaving the team. Like somehow you are no longer a priority."
The girl finally turns around, a wide smile lighting up her eyes. "Have you been reading those crappy parenting books again mom?"
"Maybe." She says it gingerly, playfully. It's been a running joke between them for years. The way that books generalize and fail to apply to anything relating to them; the way the books perceive them as an anomaly; something to straighten out; not something to beat.
Zoey's face suddenly turns serious as her hand reaches out to Liv's cheek. "You are leaving the team." Liv opens her mouth to protest, but the girl cuts her off before she can even start. "You are, but that's fine. So am I. We're no longer a team like before, because now we've got a family. We've got Fitz. And Karen and Gerry. And soon we'll have a baby. I love Fitz and I love you with him. He makes you so happy. Even when you're worried there's still a light in your eyes that used to be out. And he's an amazing dad. To all of us. So I love that you got married; I love that, I wanted that. And the baby – I had eight months to adjust. And seriously mom, throughout the hell that's been the past five months you still showed up for my recitals and PTA meetings. You helped with tutus and you made lunches. You tuck me in every evening, although I'm almost thirteen. And most importantly, you don't just tell me that you love me, you show me; you make sure I never doubt it. You make it OK for me to be who I am. You're an amazing mom." She kisses her mom's cheek lightly, just before a tear rolls down it. "Oh, come on, no crying!"
"I'm hormonal. Shush!" She lets the tear dry and speaks softly through her smile. "Zo, we are expanding the team and we do have a family, but I want you to, I need you to know – we are still a team. We'll still keep on doing our things. We'll have Gilmore Girls marathons, and we'll have our spring weekends in the Hamptons and we'll do the Christmas sales shopping spree. We'll still do all these things. It might take a while to figure it out, to figure everything out, but we'll still do our stuff. Just because we've got a family doesn't mean we can't still be a just-us team." And she can see her eyes slowly light up, childishness returning to them. It's what she needed to hear; it's what Liv needed to say – both reassured that while everything changes the two of them; they stay the same. Before she can respond the door swings open and the doctor comes in.
"Time to check how you're doing." And with that Zoey's jumping out of the bed, restless to run away – she really doesn't want to witness this.
"Why don't you go find Fitz and grams?" With that she runs out, the speed of light.
He comes in just as the doctor's finishing. "So how're we doing?" He sounds way too chipper, way too caffeinated.
"Almost there. I'll send someone in shortly to prep her and we should be able to get started shortly. Are you going to be in the room?"
"Oh, yes. I'll be here. I'm on hand squeezing duty – it's my expression of solidarity.'
"No it really isn't, it's my way of punishing him." They both chuckle and he leans down and kisses her softly.
"Is anyone going to be recording?"
"Well-" He starts with a playful smile.
"No. There will be no recording of me pushing out a baby."
"It's the miracle of life."
"It's messy. And bloody. And what do you imagine we'd do with the recording Fitz?"
"Well, we could…" He's trying to think, but he knows already he's lost; he's just humoring her; giving her a chance to vent.
"What? Watch it during family reunions? Christmas morning special? Play it for it's eighteenth birthday? I mean honestl-" And he cuts her off with a kiss. Both can feel the other's smile against their lips.
"Well, I'll leave you to it then." The doctor says with a soft chuckle; as the two of them break out slightly startled – as if they had forgotten for a second that she was there. "I'll be back in a little while."
She absentmindedly strokes his thigh as she looks up. "Could you get mom and Zo. We can hang out until it's time."
"Yeah." Another quick kiss and he's up, on his way to the door. But then he slowly turns around, hesitating for a second, a moment of frozen time. "I spoke to your mom. She gave me the number of that specialist. I called him. I made an appointment for next week." She nods with a soft smile, relief creeping behind her curving lips. "Liv, it'll be OK. We'll be fine. All of us." With that he turns on his heel and goes to get the two remaining Pope girls. She just looks on thinking about what he'd said. Thinking about how much sense it made. They will be fine; all of them – they deserve some light in their life.
There's a moment of quiet. A moment of quiet before the first cry. A moment when they hold their breath – the doctors and the nurses, the parents; the spectators and observers. A moment of anticipation. A moment for a new life to start. A moment in which he squeezes her hand and kisses (once again) her sweaty forehead. A moment for all eyes to turn the same way. A moment of wait. A moment of quiet. And then there's a cry. So loud. So alive. A cry that makes everyone in a room smile; that lets them sigh, breathe out.
It's a girl. And the rest seems like a blur. They're getting him up, rushing him to cut the chord. His hands are shaking. He thinks to himself – surely he's not the best person to be doing this. But than that's just parental insecurity that will follow him for the next eighteen years; longer probably. And they're cleaning her, wiping her, wrapping her – it's all rushed – race against the cries. Liv just looks on; never taking her eyes off. He's tucking the loose strands of hair behind her ear, trying to get it off her face – "You did so well." He whispers it to her, his voice a mere breath, little droplets – droplets of love. "We did great." She leans her head on his chest. Just for a moment. All she can hear – his heartbeat and the soft crying. Finally. They bring the baby. She hesitates for a moment and then looks up at him – pleading. She's scared – she's so tiny, so fragile. "It's OK." And he takes her hands, extending them; putting his underneath – supporting; but she, she can do this. Then suddenly there's a little baby in her arms, this brand new life and it's magical. The crying stops, almost instantly, the baby barely shuffling. "She's perfect."
"Yes, she is." And they smile, unconsciously, because in that instant their reality is better than any dream. They smile, mesmerized: they made this life. Everyone leaves, but they don't notice, no they just stare for a bit – fascinated – no longer scared. "I should go get Zo and your mom." And she nods her head, her eyes never leaving the miniature face.
"Wow." For all her words; the advanced vocabulary stored in her mind that she never learned in school; for all her youthful wisdom, wow is all she can come up with. Wow, is all that seems to fit. "She's tiny." Fitz smiles his hands on her shoulders – he wants her to know that they're still the same, he's still her Fitz and she can still, always count on him; he wants her to know this doesn't change the way they are; this changes everything, but it also changes nothing. It's just hands lightly squeezing her shoulders; it's just touch, contact; but really, it's reassuring; for her in a life-changing moment she has no control over it's stability; it's constancy. Liv is holding her hand, her thumb drawing soft circles on the back of it. There's no need to say it anymore, they're showing it – she's still a priority; she's still their girl; still their Zoey.
"You want to hold her?" She looks up at Fitz, panicky, she's not ready for this; she's never held such a tiny baby.
"I…" She looks at the floor briefly, but then lifts her eyes to meet Liv's. "I'm scared I could hurt her. What if I break her?"
"Zo, you can't break her. We'll show you." With that Fitz wraps his arms around her and she folds hers into a little niche his are providing and Liv slowly hands them over the baby. She seems frozen for a second, too terrified to move, but then she eases into it once the baby shuffles and opens her eyes lazily.
"Hi." And there's a smile. A kind Liv hasn't seen before. A kind that's loving and protective all at once; a kind that signals growing up. Fitz slowly pulls his arms away, giving her time to look up, to ask him to stop. She doesn't. She just keeps looking down, into a pair of bright grey eyes.
"So, Zo. You ready to tell us what name you decided on?"
"Yeah." Her eyes are still fixed on the baby and it's a good thing. She doesn't see them panicking; their breaths hitched. It seemed like a good idea at the time, after weeks of insomnia, to tell her she could pick the name, to tell her she'd have a say. They'd pick the first name, but she'd get to pick the middle one; but they all knew that would be the one that the baby would be called. That would be the one. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now they were half terrified of the potential outcome of their brilliance. "Nur." They exchange a look. "It means light." They exchange a smile. It fits her. It's just right.
"Sofia Nur Grant."
"I like it!" Zo says with a smile, obviously very satisfied.
"And how do you feel about this one?" She looks up, slightly confused; she thought they'd just decided on the name; what else is there. "Zoey Harper Grant."
"What?" Her eyes dart between the two of them, trying to read their play.
"Zo, your mom and I were talking about this for a while, but now seems like a perfect time. I want to adopt you too. I mean, you're my kid. We know it. But we want everyone to know it. I want you to be my kid officially. And now that we're married it's just a formality." She looks at him, wide eyes, completely stunned. "If you want to, of course." He adds, his voice showing signs panic. They only ever accounted for the possibility of her saying yes; of her agreeing.
She just shakes her head and mutters a soft OK. She doesn't say anything else. She doesn't need to – her face says more than words ever could. A thank you and an I love you.
A shadow lifts from her face, a shadow no one even knew was there; a shadow caused by the fear of abandonment, by fear of losing her parents again; the fear of being left behind for a second time. Now, now there's two of them, no there's three; there's five; there's six people in the family; six people to step in; six people to love and six people to love her back. There's too many people for her to fall through the cracks – no she'll be fine; she has a family now. It's no longer just Liv; she no longer only has endless love, now she has security. And that, that lets her breathe.
At twelve years old Zoey Harper Grant got all she dreamed of – she got a family to keep, a family that couldn't disappear one snowy evening; a family with ties too strong to break, with love impossible to shake. As she is looking down into those big grey eyes she thinks to herself – Nur, Nur is just right. She brought all this light.
How's that for fluff!
I hope you guys liked that. I wanted to focus on Zo, because I thought it would be fascinating to see how she sort of fits in now that everything's changing.
Now, a question - I'm thinking of writing a prequel to this - basically when they're at University (so first time around). It's been in my head for a while, but I'm not sure if you'd be interested in reading that, especially since we all know how it will end. This story isn't finished yet though and I'm not sure if it would get a bit confusing doing both concurrently.
Thank you so much for your feedback for the last chapter; honestly it made me smile so much - your kind and generous reviews honestly inspire me endlessly.