(17)
Jane was in the Gardiner's sitting room with the rest of the ladies on Saturday when Mr. Bingley was announced. She was not surprised that he was visiting, but it still made her feel out of sorts. He had hinted too much at wishing to pursue her for her to think otherwise anymore. She just wished that she knew her own heart.
She knew that she would not be able to avoid speaking to him, really speaking to him - not just exchanging polite parlor conversation, forever. Still, she did not know what she could say to him. She wished she knew precisely how deep his feelings went, and how constant he could be. Then she would know her heart in a single beat!
Bingley entered the room with a tentative smile on his face, not sure how he would be received. Mrs. Bennet made it clear he was welcome, and while her approval was important, he was only looking for Jane's. He said his greetings, and then allowed his eyes to settle on his love.
"Oh Mr. Bingley, was our dear Darcys' wedding not just the thing?" an overly-excited Mrs. Bennet exclaimed, dragging his attention back to her.
It seemed his thoughts would not be allowed to stay on Jane, as her mother continued, "To have a daughter well married! Mrs. Darcy, how well that sounds. Oh, and to have an Earl and a Countess attend! I never thought I would see the day, and Lizzy, of all my daughters, to make such a grand match! What good things this does for my other girls."
Bingley mumbled his agreement, his natural sociability allowing him to say the right things without thinking too much about it. He kept waiting for Mrs. Bennet to slow down in her conversation, but soon his fifteen minutes were up, and he had not said anymore than a hello to Jane. Without having been specifically invited, he did not think he should overstay his welcome. When he looked to Jane with pleading eyes, she merely gave him a polite smile. He sighed to himself, made his excuses, and left.
Seeing Jane like this now, with politeness being all she offered him, he knew he had been a fool. Even without Darcy telling him that she had loved him, he could see the difference between how she had behaved toward him in Hertfordshire and here in town. He had become a mere acquaintance, and it stung.
At the Darcy townhouse, Saturday was spent much the same as Friday had been. Darcy and Elizabeth spent nearly all of their waking hours together, tentatively trying to learn about one another. Elizabeth had been worried about their spending too much time exclusively in each other's company, but after two and half days together, she realised that was unfounded. They had plenty to speak of, with both of their strong opinions. They were also perfectly capable of sitting quietly together, neither of them feeling the need to break the silence.
As Nel helped her ready for bed, Elizabeth thought about those days, and the man she now called her husband. Contrary to her prior accusations, he had very much proved himself to be a considerate and conscientious man. He had shown himself anxious for her happiness. He was concerned for her comfort to the point where he had denied himself his marital rights without a single complaint. Even there he had been careful to reassure her that her desirability was not at fault.
He had asked questions to learn her preferences in food and habits. He was taking the time to learn about her. This was not the overbearing man she had feared in the beginning. He did not rule over her, but rather asked her opinions so that he could consider them in his decision making. When he wished for something from her, he politely asked for it, rather than demanded it. Where had that man been before they had become engaged?
When she finished her preparations, she said goodnight to Nel and then moved toward the shared sitting room. Darcy had asked the night before that they spend some time together every evening in their rooms. While she was still uncomfortable being so little dressed with him, she could not see a reason to deny him this intimacy. He had done nothing more than give her a few lingering kisses and gentle caresses, and she trusted him to continue that.
Darcy looked up from the empty fireplace that he had been staring into while waiting for his wife's entrance. He had looked forward to this time all day. When Elizabeth had hesitantly acquiesced to his request to spend time together after dressing for bed, he had been thrilled. After spending a half an hour in her presence the night before, he knew that this would be sweet torture, though. To sit next to her, seeing her hair down and her dressing gown loosely tied around her nightgown, while only allowing himself small touches, had been a severe trial on his self control.
Still, he would not give up this intimacy as long as she allowed it. He enjoyed the feeling of closeness, and he hoped that this was helping her comfort with him. He had worn his own nightshirt and dressing gown the night before, and while she had been startled by the sight, she had not changed her mind. He did the same tonight. Last night he had been too preoccupied with drinking her in to catch anymore of her reaction than the start; tonight he watched her take him in.
Elizabeth's eyes drifted over him for a minute, pausing to look curiously at his bare feet, and then back up to his face.
"Fitzwilliam," she simply said.
"Mrs. Darcy," he replied, causing her to smile.
"You still like the sound of that, I take it?"
"I do not think I will ever tire of claiming you for my own."
She blushed prettily in response. He moved toward her and took her arm gently and led her to the sofa. They spent a short time together, speaking of inconsequential things. Tonight Darcy held her hand between them, gently running his thumb over hers. It was small, but still left Elizabeth flustered and distracted, barely able to look away from their joined hands. She was trying to figure out how such a simple touch could make her feel so much.
When Darcy led her back to her room, he slipped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her against him. He looked into her eyes for several moments, and then leaned in for a simple, gentle kiss. He pulled back and looked at her again, then gently released her, kissed her hand and bid her a goodnight.
Elizabeth was left staring after him, feeling bereft. When had she come to expect fiery kisses?
Georgiana came home with the newlyweds after the Sunday service. She did not have long alone with her new sister though, as Elizabeth's family came to tea early in the afternoon. The Bennets were heading back to Hertfordshire early on Tuesday, and Mrs. Bennet wished to call on Mrs. Darcy before she left.
While Mrs. Bennet was loathe to return to Longbourn and the Collinses, she also could not wait to crow to her neighbors about visiting 'Mrs. Darcy, at Darcy House. They live in Mayfair, you know, not far from their uncle, the Earl Fitzwilliam.' Her excitement made her as exuberant as she was able, and Elizabeth could see that she was severely trying Darcy's patience. Since they were among family, Elizabeth took the liberty of taking his hand beside hers on the sofa and holding it. At first when she did so, he did not move, but after a moment flipped his hand over and intertwined their fingers. This appeared to calm him, as his demeanor softened and his answers lengthened. Elizabeth did not always understand the effect she had on Darcy, but at that moment she was very grateful for it.
Bingley visited again on Monday, and again Mrs. Bennet dominated the conversation. She could not get over the glory of Mrs. Darcy and having tea in her new home. He kept glancing in Jane's direction, trying to speak to her with his eyes, since he was not given a chance to do so with words. When his fifteen minutes had passed again without any conversation with her, he seriously considered asking for a private audience. He tried to put the desperation he felt into his eyes when he said his goodbye to her.
Jane watched him for longer than she had since meeting him in London, her eyes softening slightly.
"Mama, I shall walk Mr. Bingley out, if you do not mind."
"Not at all child! Take your time," Mrs. Bennet replied with a wink in her eldest's direction.
Jane walked in front of him as they headed for the entrance hall. She gathered his outerwear for him and then turned to face him.
"Miss Bennet, I...I," Bingley stuttered, unable to articulate what he wanted while looking into her sad eyes.
Jane gave him a sad smile, "Yes, Mr. Bingley?"
"Please," he replied, "would you be willing to take a walk with me? I enjoy your family, but I wish to speak with you privately, if you will allow it."
Jane looked away from him as she answered, "My mother and sisters are leaving tomorrow, before noon. I would like to spend the remaining time I have with them."
"But you are not going with them?" Bingley asked hopefully.
"I am not. I will be here until the Darcys take me to Derbyshire with them."
"Then, may I call on you tomorrow morning? Will you allow me to speak to you, alone?" he asked tentatively.
Jane turned her eyes back to him as she answered, "I will. I agree that we need to speak if you are to keep coming. I do not wish for either us to have false hopes," she finished on a whisper.
Bingley's face fell.
Jane hurried to add, "I am not saying that they can only be false, but I meant that I think we will need to speak more plainly about why you are coming. I assumed the wrong thing last autumn, and I do not wish to do so again. That is all."
"You did not assume the wrong thing, Miss Bennet. I made the biggest mistake of my life, and have long regretted it. If you will give me another chance, I will show you that you were not wrong."
"Oh," she said, her eyes misting over. Too overwhelmed, and looking for escape, she said, "I have been gone long enough and need to return to my family."
Bingley reached out and took Jane's hand, drawing it gently to his lips.
"Till tomorrow, Miss Bennet. I shall look forward to it."
"Mr. Bingley," she simply whispered in reply.
He turned and headed for the door, giving her one last serious look before he left.
Jane found herself in the rare position of being so out-of-sorts that she could not return to her family, and went to her room to think seriously on Mr. Bingley. She wished to organise her thoughts for his visit on the morrow.
She had watched her newly-married sister the day before, reaching out to hold her husband's hand in comfort. It was clear that, while it had started as an arrangement for security, her sister was quickly finding happiness. Jane had followed society's rules last time, and it had only ended in heartbreak. Elizabeth had been honest and open with Mr. Darcy, and it had worked out for her. Jane was going to try that openness for herself.
The Bennets headed for Hertfordshire on Tuesday as planned, only leaving a half an hour later than scheduled. Jane found herself anxious in the sitting room at her aunt's house, wondering how long she would be required to wait. Now that she had settled on how she was going to speak to Mr. Bingley, she desperately wanted to see him and have it done. Either it would bring them to new understanding and help them go forward, or he would be done with her. At least her heart would not be left wondering anymore.
She did not have long to wait. He arrived only a half hour after her family had left, and entered looking more nervous than she had ever seen him. Her aunt carried the conversation for a few minutes, then took pity on Bingley, and invented an excuse to give them some privacy. She left the door open, but Jane knew that she would leave them for a little while.
Bingley only waited until Mrs. Gardiner was out of earshot before he began, "Miss Bennet, I am sorry. Sorry that I left you believing that I did not care. I swear that it was never my intention, and I should have had more consideration for you. I should have had the decency to ask you how you felt about us, and not taken the word of people who barely knew you."
Bingley looked miserable as he finished.
Jane was surprised, she had not expected him to be so open with her so soon. It threw her for a moment, and she had to rethink what she wanted to say. Every moment she was silent, Bingley looked more and more miserable.
"Mr. Bingley, are you telling me that you truly cared for me?"
"Miss Bennet, I was and am in love with you. If I would have listened to my own heart in November, I would have returned and asked you to marry me before Christmas. If I thought I had a chance, I would ask you to marry me now."
"Oh," was Jane's only response.
She had definitely not expected him to basically propose.
"Miss Bennet, do I have a chance? If you tell me to leave you alone forever, I will, however unwillingly. If you tell me I have a chance, I will do everything in my power to make you love me."
"You are being very direct, Sir, I had not come to expect that from you."
"I know, but thought about what happened before, and that I never asked you anything specific about how you felt. Instead I tried to read your demeanor, and always in a public setting. That served me very poorly in the past, and I do not want to make the same mistake again."
"I do not, either."
Bingley's face brightened immediately, "Does that mean that you will give me another chance? You are not going to send me away forever?"
Jane smiled, "I am not going to send you away. I do care for you, Mr. Bingley."
Bingley was instantly relieved, "Oh, thank God. I was so worried that I had ruined the feelings you had for me."
Jane held up her hand, "Mr. Bingley, wait, please. While I care for you, that is not enough." His face fell again, but she continued, "I do not think either of us wants to speak of uncomfortable topics, or say anything that we are afraid might hurt the other. While it is good that we consider each other's feelings I worry that, if we were to wed, we would spend our lives never truly getting to know each other. I have seen what a marriage between people who never try to learn about one another turns out, and I do not want to live with a stranger."
Bingley was thoughtful for a few minutes, working through what Jane had told him.
"I agree. We need to be straightforward, and not allow our fear of making each other uncomfortable get in the way of knowing one another. I think we are doing that well, now."
It was Jane's turn to look relieved, "I am glad you think so."
Bingley watched her for a minute. While he was glad they seemed to agree, he could still see hesitancy on Jane's part. There was something else standing in the way.
"Miss Bennet, is there something else upsetting you?" he asked.
He watched her eyes mist over as she spoke quietly, "Even knowing that we understand each other better, I am scared. It hurt when you left in November without returning, and it hurt even more when your sister ended our acquaintance in January. My heart was broken, and then my father died. I find myself feeling very fragile now, and I do not think I can risk my heart. If it were to be trampled again, I do not know if I would survive. I am sorry, but I am not strong enough right now, no matter how much I care for you."
"Oh Jane," Bingley whispered, reaching out and taking her hand in both of his own, wishing very much that he could hold all of her. "I am sorry that I did this to you. I know that I need to prove to you that you can trust me again. All I ask of you right now is that you give me the chance. I will wait as long as I need to for you."
Jane began to cry in earnest at his words. He sat there, watching her in utter misery. He could only take it for so long before he moved to sit beside her on the sofa and pulled her into his arms.
"My darling, my Jane, you will be well again. Your heart will heal, and I will be here when it does. I love you."
He held her for a long time before her tears subsided. He handed her his handkerchief, and let her sit up out of his embrace. He watched her wipe her beautiful eyes and bring herself under control.
"I am sorry," she whispered.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I meant what I said. I love you, and I will be here for as long as you need."
"Thank you."
"It is my pleasure," he replied.
As promised, Mr. Gardiner brought Jane with him on Wednesday when he came to discuss the houses Mr. Phillips had forwarded to him for Mrs. Bennet. Darcy greeted them all, but the gentlemen quickly left the ladies and went to Darcy's study.
Jane filled her sister in on Bingley's visits, starting with the first two.
"Poor Mr. Bingley! To have visited twice and have our mother barely let him get a word in edgewise. He must have wondered if that was his penance. But he came again yesterday, then? Did you have a chance to speak privately?"
"We did. Our aunt is very accommodating."
Elizabeth smiled, "She is. Aunt Gardiner always knows what is needed. I take it she left you alone, then?"
"Yes, and for just the right amount of time. Mr. Bingley...he embraced me Lizzy! I knew we should not, but I was upset and crying after we spoke, and he came and sat by me and wrapped his arms around me. It was so comforting! I almost agreed to marry him right there, just so he could keep holding me." She blushed and looked at her sister and asked, "Is that what it is like, Lizzy? When you are married, does your husband hold you and comfort you like that?"
It was Elizabeth's turn to blush, and she did so rather violently, thinking of all of the ways Darcy had held her.
She started stuttering a response, "I...he...well, I...Oh! Let us just say that it feels good, and yes, he holds me." She decided to direct the subject back to Jane and asked, "If you spoke and he was holding you, does that mean that you are in agreement on something?"
"Lizzy, he told me that he loves me, and he has loved me since the winter. He actually told me that he would propose yesterday if he thought he had the slightest chance of me saying yes."
"I knew it! I am so glad that he loves you. He nearly proposed? Really?" Elizabeth asked, a little surprised.
"He did. He made it very clear that his wish is that we wed, and rather as soon as he can convince me, I think."
"How do you feel about that, Jane? Are you ready for that?" asked Elizabeth, knowing it was not likely.
"As I told him, I am not ready yet; my heart is still too fragile. Oh, Lizzy! I do not know how you did it, with our father so freshly gone. How are you figuring out how to be married, and letting your heart trust, when it has been hurt so? I just cannot do it, and I cannot imagine you feel any less at our father's passing!"
"I think that it helped to tell myself I was doing it for my family, for one. But Jane, my heart had not been so freshly wounded before Papa died. I was angry at Mr. Darcy, but I had never loved him. I do not think it is unreasonable at all, that your heart is still guarded. As Mr. Darcy told me, no one expects us to be done mourning yet, and for good reason. He lost his father less than five years ago, you know. I think it helps that he understands what I am feeling. He has been considerate, so very considerate."
"It is not so bad, then, to be married to him?" Jane asked, looking hopefully at her sister. It appeared that marriage agreed with Elizabeth much more than she had ever thought it would.
"It is much better than I ever thought it would be. Jane, he is a good man, and I have misjudged him, terribly."
Darcy came in just then, and requested Jane and Elizabeth's help with the choosing of a new home for Mrs. Bennet and the remaining girls. Darcy and Mr. Gardiner had narrowed the list down to houses that fit the financial restrictions, and had at least three bedrooms in the family quarters, but they did not know where to start on what Mrs. Bennet would prefer. They needed the girls' input on what would be the best fit for their family.
The gentlemen watched quietly as Jane and Elizabeth chatted about the houses, many of which they had visited at least once, and the nearby families they had known most of their lives. Mr. Gardiner smiled proudly at the nieces he knew so well, and Mr. Darcy watched them in fascination. They had each taken half the pile of papers, and they slowly made a small pile of the most likely choices.
Soon Elizabeth's face brightened, "Jane, is this cottage close to the Millers' farm?"
Jane leaned over to check Elizabeth's sheet, "I believe it is. Mrs. Miller just birthed their eighth child, did she not?"
"She did, another boy, I believe. How far would you say the cottage is from their farm?"
"The drives are no more than a quarter mile, I would guess."
"Mama has spoken highly of Mrs. Miller, has she not?"
"Yes, and Mr. Miller is a well-respected man. I believe he has made much of their farm. He inherited it from his father, did he not?"
"He did. Do you suppose Mama would mind them for her nearest neighbors?" asked Elizabeth.
"I think she would like them."
"I think so, too. It might also help Mama economise."
"How so?" asked Jane.
"Well, I am sure that Mr. and Mrs. Hill will stay with Mama, you know they are not fond of Mr. Collins. Besides, they are practically family, they have been with us for so long. Mr. Hill can take on most of the duties that a man would be needed for, but sometimes he will need help. With all those boys just down the road, he can simply send for one of them when he needs that assistance. The same would go for Mrs. Hill. She was a cook for a time in her younger days, and I truly do not think she would mind taking that back on, especially if we look for a maid who would like to help there. The household really will not need as much as it used to; Mama will not be in a place to entertain like she has. With a couple of maids, and the girls down the road to help out again when needed, Mama could get by with the just the four on staff. Do you agree?"
"I do. Mr. Collins had been hinting at replacing the Hills, before we left, too. I would be sad to see them sent off at their age to find a new household. It would be difficult for them to find one together, too. I agree with you, that they will likely be willing to take on more variety in their duties to stay with Mama. It would not really be more work, either, with the house so reduced in size and society. Mama would not see her daughters take on anything she does not approve of this way, which is a good point for her favour."
"Yes, and at least two of the neighbor girls are old enough to help with some of the cleaning, laundry, and upkeep around the house, when the maids are overwhelmed. If the Miller family is willing, it would add a pretty income to their family. Not having to cover their boarding will allow a slightly smaller house for Mama, too."
"The Millers are highly unlikely to leave the farm," added Jane, "and with so many children, it will be more than ten years before they would not be available to help."
"Even when this generation grows up, the oldest Miller boy ought to have a family by then, and his own children may be able to follow."
"I agree, this is a perfect situation."
They set that sheet on its own next to the possibilities, and went on. They found a few others that would do very well, but none as well as the cottage near the Millers. They knew that they needed to leave the final decision up to Mrs. Bennet; she should have a say in where she resettled, after all, but they hoped she would see the merits of the cottage. It would allow her to keep the highest style of living out of all of them, while not being the most expensive.
Jane and Mr. Gardiner stayed for tea afterwards, and until they left, Darcy had never been so anxious to have his wife to himself. Georgiana had joined them for tea, but headed back to the music room to practice the pianoforte. It was everything Darcy could do not to drag his wife into his study.
Elizabeth laughed when he gently pushed her through the door and shut it behind them. She had no idea what he was doing, and he was acting very strangely, hurrying her through the house like he was.
"Fitzwilliam, what on earth is the matter?"
"Nothing, absolutely nothing," he replied.
He came up to her, placed her hands on his chest, and wrapped his arms around her in a loose embrace, so that he held her but could still easily look at her. He had absolute fire in his eyes.
"What is it?" she asked, overwhelmed by the look he was giving her.
"You are...amazing. I knew that you are smart, and thoughtful, and considerate, but to see you in action today; you will make an excellent Mistress of Pemberley. I could ask for no better."
Elizabeth was surprised, "I just made sure my mother and sisters have a good place to stay. While I thank you for the compliments, I do not see why that was so special."
"That makes it all the better, as it comes naturally. You did not just take care of your mother. You made sure the Hills would not be left unemployed, you took into consideration a neighbor, and how they could mutually benefit each other. You acted exactly how a mistress of a large estate should; making sure that everyone possible benefits from a decision you have made, and taking into consideration many different needs at once. I knew you would do well in the role, but to see you in action! You have no idea how badly I wanted to drag you out of this room and show just how amazed by you I am."
"Oh," Elizabeth replied faintly. "I did not, I mean to say...I did not think about it, I guess."
"I know. As I said, it is natural for you. You are perfect, Elizabeth."
"I am not-" she started to say, but he did not let her finish.
Darcy could not contain himself any longer. He tightened his embrace, pulling her closer to him, and dropped his mouth to hers. He poured all of the feelings coursing through him into that kiss, and could not get enough of her. His hand moved up to the back of her head and held her to him, while he assaulted her mouth with his own.
It was not enough. Darcy trailed kisses down past her jaw, gently tilted her head back, and moved to her neck. He breathed in the scent of her, and then moved lower to trace kisses along the length of her collarbone. The same collarbone that had tempted him from the beginning, teasing him with shadows in the evenings while the light had danced across her. He felt her begin to tremble and he let out a low groan, slightly frustrated. He nuzzled his face into her neck and allowed his breathing to calm.
When he felt he was master enough of himself, he straightened and pulled her tight against him. He might be done assaulting her, but he could not bring himself to let go. He continued to try to regulate his breathing, and felt her trembling subside.
"Do you have any idea how long I have wanted to kiss your collarbone? I had never thought of a collarbone as seductive before I met you. It has been teasing me for months."
"My...collarbone?"
"Yes. It is perfect, and I have wanted to touch it so badly. Everything about you is so perfect. I find myself desperate to touch you everywhere. You have no idea."
"Oh," she said faintly.
Darcy took another deep, shaky breath and let it out. He pulled her even tighter against him for a moment before loosening his arms and looking her in the eyes again.
"I meant what I said, though, Elizabeth. You will make an excellent Mistress of Pemberley. I am delighted by you, and the way you handled this afternoon. I have not looked forward to dealing with the workings of the estate with such pleasure since I became its master after my father's death. It will be so much better with you by my side, helping me in my decisions."
Elizabeth's eyes filled with tears, and Darcy became concerned. He almost spoke, but she stopped him with gentle pressure on his chest, where her hands still rested.
"I cannot even express how happy it makes me to know that you feel that way, Fitzwilliam. To know you want my opinion, as a woman, means so much to me. I never thought I would find a husband who would appreciate my opinions. I really never thought you would ask my opinion about decisions at all. I clearly did not know you, when we first met in Hertfordshire, and then in Kent. I assumed that you would be domineering and insist on having everything your own way. I find myself barely able to keep up with all of the surprises I am discovering about you."
She stopped and simply looked at him for a minute.
"Are the surprises all good then?" he asked hesitantly.
She smiled, "They are. I said it a few days ago, and I will say it again: you are a good man, Fitzwilliam."
"I am very glad to hear you think so," he replied, as he leaned down to gently kiss her again.
A/N: I'd really like some feedback on the pacing of this chapter. This is the first one where I added in Jane and Bingley's story, not where it just advances Lizzy and Darcy's. Was it too broken up? Was it easy enough to follow? Thanks in advance for any reviews. They are so helpful for me to know if I'm getting the story across well or not. You guys are great!