He feels her lips against his; her body on top of his. She's trying to sneak her tongue in, her hands traveling down his body. He's enjoying this dream. The way he can feel the warm air on his neck as she whispers his name, the way his skin is electrified under her hands – every little sensation, every touch, every gasp – it seems so real.
"Fitz." A whisper so soft, so warm. She kisses the corner of his lips; her hand sneaking under the waistband of his boxers. "Fitz."
"Livvy?" He responds sleepily, still unsure of whether this is real. "We shouldn't be doing this." He says groggily.
"I moved up my doctor's appointment to yesterday. We're all clear." He smiles; eyes still closed; eyelids slowly letting in the morning light. He moves his hands up, lazily brushing against her thigh; and then swiftly wraps his arms around her and flips them over. They giggle – loudly, uncontrollably, sleepily trying to entangle themselves from the sheets.
"God, I missed this." She says breathlessly between kisses. His hands long lost under her shirt. She arches her back as he softly twists her nipple. Her hands are grabbing onto him, hungrily, her nails digging into his back. And then… then the baby monitor sounds, the soft cries filling up the room; completely and utterly killing the mood.
They let out deep, frustrated sighs in unison, as he rolls off of her.
"Why now?" She groans, annoyed. He sits up and runs his hands through the hair she still hadn't managed to turn into a mess.
"Liv, can you get her?" He turns around from where he's standing and looks at her with a childish grin. "I need to jump into a cold shower. Now." She gets up and puts her-his T-shirt back on and walks towards the door, her hand brushing against his crotch as she passes him.
"Sure, honey."
They barely see each other for the rest of the morning. By the time she's done with Nur, he's already in the kitchen and she rushes into the shower. As the three of them are eating breakfast, Zo and Cy animatedly chatting away, she's already leaving. She kisses the top of Zo's head and lays a quick kiss on Fitz's temple.
"Zo, come by after school and we'll grab a smoothie, or a protein shake or something near my work?"
"Do I have to?" She asks in a whiney voice. Her attitude dangerously resembling a teenager's.
"No, you don't. But I'd like you to. I feel like I haven't seen you properly in weeks." She's been working like crazy. Staying until late into the night, way past Zoey's bedtime. And mornings, mornings she's always in a rush, trying to sort Nur out. She's been absent so much, she can't remember the last full conversation they had. She hates it, and she feels incredibly guilty. Zo can tell, by the way Liv's eyes glaze across her face, before they fix onto an imaginary point in the distance. And in that moment she wants to make her feel worse, she wants to make her feel as abandoned as she's felt.
"Well whose fault is that?" And Liv's eyes shoot up. She knew she felt that way, but she didn't think it's something she'd actually say. Not right now, not when she has to rush out – once again – not now, when she doesn't have the time to explain.
"Zoey!" Fitz shoots her a look, but it only makes Liv feel worse; he means well, but he shouldn't; no he shouldn't attack her – she's right, and Liv knows it; it's eating her alive.
She takes a deep breath, and on comes the parenting hat. "Well, if you want to talk about that, come by today. We'll have a snack, or lunch, or just grab something to drink." She walks over to her again, and lays a soft kiss on her cheek. "I love you Zoey."
As soon as she's safely behind the elevator door she can't breathe – her breaths stuck in her throat; she's suffocating in her clothes. She can't cry, not now, she doesn't have the time to fall apart. She lifts her head up and tries to focus on the harsh neon lights; but all she sees is a pair of hurt eyes; disappointment written across the young face. The doors open again with a soft ding and she steps out into the cool New York street.
As soon as the door closes Zoey gets up, trying desperately not to cry. "I'm done. I'll go get ready for school." She goes to her room and sits down, her back against the cool wall. She lifts her head up and tries to focus on the light coming from the window, but all she sees is a pair of hurt eyes; pain written across her mom's face. The door opens after a soft knock and she shifts her gaze to meet a his concerned face. "I know. I'm sorry." She says as she lowers her head between her legs. He walks over to her, kneeling down, so they're face-to-face.
"She's doing the best she can Zoey. It's an adjustment. With the baby, going back to work full-time now; then there's also Cy." That makes her look up.
"What about Cy? I mean he can stay, right? I'll be nice. I promise I'll be nice. I'll go to lunch and I'll apologize." She sounds panicked and it throws him off slightly.
"Cy can stay as long as he wants Zo. I just meant; it's a lot… a lot of change. And your mom is doing the best she can."
"I know." It's so quiet, almost resigned. "I'll apologize."
He gives her a hand and pulls her up. "You should mean it. I know you miss her and I know it hurts, but she's trying and it'll get better."
She studies his face for a moment, then finally says, "You miss her too, don't you."
"Yeah, kiddo, I do." He smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. "Get ready. You can leave with Cy."
The house is finally empty and he sits down and grabs his phone. He stares at it for a moment, his finger lingering over the glossy screen, and then he dials the number he knows by heart.
"Olivia Pope's office."
"Hey Quinn, Liv there?"
"Oh, hey. Yes. Just give me a minute to transfer you."
A couple of soft beeps later, "Hey, everything OK?" She picks up; no Hello, or a Hi, her voice rushed.
"Yeah, I just… You're easier to reach on this number."
"Fitz…"
"I know. I get it. You're busy. It's been busy."
"It's been crazy. But it will get better."
"So you keep saying." There's a hurt in his voice. Hurt that he wishes he could hide, because he loves her, loves her enough to want to protect her from the guilt he knows she's feeling. Hurt that she hates, almost as much as she resents herself for causing it to be there in the first place.
"We knew it would be tough. I didn't work for two months and then I did part-time; it's a lot of time wasted Fitz. Work, just… it piled up. But, I'll get to the bottom of it. And the deadlines are almost all done."
"I know… I just miss you. And so does she Liv. She's just hurting."
"Is she coming?" She asks quietly, so quietly that he almost doesn't hear it. As if saying it louder could change the answer.
"She is." He can hear her smiling against the phone. The moment is interrupted by someone calling her in the distance. "You have to go." She sighs, lowering her forehead into her palm.
"I do. I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing. We agreed to do this. We agreed. We are doing this. We'll get through it. It will get better, because you will get to the bottom of it."
"You promise?" Her voice almost breaks. It takes he all she has to keep it even, keep it strong; keep the mask on.
"I promise." She's quiet. "Liv?"
"Nur smiled. She smiles. I missed her first smile. I'm missing so much."
"We'll have the rest of our lives to watch her smile. Now, go, be a gladiator. Emotions aside, fight a good fight."
"I love you."
"You too." And he hangs up, before she can change her mind, before she can change his mind; because another sigh, another moment of doubt and he would have told her to quit, to come home; to stay at home with him – forever, just them. Just occasionally leaving their bed.
A tentative knock on the heavy door breaks her out of her thoughts.
She looks up and is met by a pair of warm-brown eyes. "I'm sorry mom."
"I know. So am I.' She gets up and grabs her bag. Her hand hovers over her phone, but then she leaves it there. This, this is going to be just them. "Let's go."
They sit down and order their drinks and an awkward silence settles in. A silence that wasn't there before, a silence akin to foreignness.
"So, how's ballet been? Fitz said you got Clara for the Christmas recital." And the girl's face instantly lights up.
"Yeah. It's finally me!" She exclaims excitedly. "I've been practicing like crazy. My right foot is completely blistered! Want to see?" And she's already taking her shoe off, and showing off her wounds proudly. Liv smiles sadly – she broke through this time, she fixed this hurt; but what if, one time, one day – she can't. What if one time she's no longer able to connect this way.
They catch up; they talk about school, a new boy she likes; about how she's trying to get Nur to sit up; they talk about Cy.
"Please don't make him move out. I like talking to him mom."
"What do you talk about?"
"Oh, just stuff. You know… He travelled a lot. And he knows a lot about history and politics. I think he likes talking to me. Makes him less sad. Helps him think of James less." And Liv freezes for a moment.
"Does he ever talk about James?"
"Sometimes. Not a lot. He just misses him. So we talked about that a bit. Because I can understand."
"What do you mea-" And she doesn't finish it. She realizes what she means and then looks into her daughters eyes, panicking. "We never talk about it. Your parents. You know, we could, Zoey. We can."
"I know. But, you've been busy and… it's a bit strange." She says honestly, playing with her hands; her fingers twisting nervously.
"I'm never too busy for that." That's a lie; the way she's been running around there was no way Zo could have brought it up. And there's the familiar guilt, poking it's ugly head again. She has to push it back, far into the back, and focus on something else. Ignore the regret and focus on making it better. Time. She'll make time. "And it doesn't have to be strange. You can talk to me about them."
"OK."
"You can talk to Fitz too."
"OK."
"You'll just keep OK-ing aren't you?"
"Yes." She says with her signature, charming, devilish smirk. "I'll talk to you guys when I need to. But I'm OK for now, I like talking to Cy." And Liv smiles. Maybe parenting, right now, comes down to letting her do this her way, letting her heal with this man.
She comes home around midnight and stumbles into the bedroom through the dark. She stops in the doorway, smiling at the scene before her. Fitz is lying on the bed, Nur sprawled out on his chest. Zoey is lying on his other side, firmly in his embrace; two iPads on the bed, behind her back. They fell asleep reading. It's a perfect scene; serene. She doesn't want to wake them, so she tries to slowly lift Nur from his chest and drop her off in the nursery, quietly. But he instantly feels the baby's absence and stirs awake.
"Hey, it's just me." She says before kissing him. "I'll just drop her in her crib."
"I'll take Zoey."
'That's OK."
He leans his head into her hand sleepily, before he speaks. "I don't mind. And that way you don't have to wake her up." He gets up. It's him that kisses her this time. She moans softly and he smiles against her lips, his hand gliding down her body. He steps away and she lets out the most adorable whine-like sound. "Let's go drop the kids off." He says, before kissing her quickly again. Then he lifts Zo up in his arms, as if she were feather-light and carries her out. She just watches him, thinking how lucky she is; how happy she is in that moment, just watching him; watching them. They meet back in bed; she crawls in next to him – he's already half asleep. She puts her head on his chest and he just pulls her in, closer – her body molding to his. They fall asleep, almost in sync.
He sneaks in behind her, pulling her in by the waist. "She's all fed and changed." He starts kissing her neck, moving up to slowly nibbling on her ear. She turns around and starts kissing him – desperate, rushed, open-mouthed; kisses to get lost in. He lifts her up on the counter, his hand making their way up her thigh as hers fall back and squeeze his ass.
"Morning guys." And they're instantly a foot apart, as he stumbles back and she jumps off the counter; her hand covering her lips awkwardly, as his tries to pulls down the shirt he sleeps in, down over his boxers. They look at each other, and immediately, they burst out laughing – the irony of the situation not lost on them – being caught making out like teenagers by someone who could easily be their father.
"Morning Cy." Fitz manages to get out in between laughs. He grabs Liv's hand and leads her away, towards their room. "Just, keep an ear out for Nur."
He mutters, "Acting like damn children," under his breath. But they don't hear, no they're already lost in a rush of kisses broken up by pulling apart to rip their clothes off and tenderly eye each other. She blushes slightly – he hasn't seen her this naked lately, not since the baby.
"God, you're so beautiful Livvy." He says it so breathlessly, so completely in awe of her that she believes it; she believes him and it makes her feel amazing; he makes her feel amazing. They walk into the shower, the water drowning out all the sounds; the steam locking them up in their little bubble. Until, until there's a knock on the door.
"Sorry. But, Cy is in my bathroom and I really need to shower before school." His hand stops moving and she thrusts her hips in protest, but he just kisses her softly and then moves away. He yells, "Five minutes Zo." as he steps out of the shower and wraps her up in an oversized towel. She speaks into his chest, "We need to get rid of all of them for a couple of days." She starts punching his muscles, with her small fists, frustrated. "We. Cannot. Keep. Being. Interrupted."
She's sitting in her office as the clock strikes 10, another night away from her kids, from him.
"Quinn, I'm done with this, you can revise it. And I can make that conference call to Hong Kong now."
"That's tomorrow." A deep baritone, and he comes thought the door.
"What are you doing here?" She gets up behind her desk and crosses over to where he stands.
"I missed you. And I got rid of Cy. And the kids. For one evening. And I had Quinn reschedule your trans-continental, weird-time-zone conferences, so you're free. And you're coming home with me." She puts her hands on his chest and steps on her toes and lays a soft kiss on his lips.
"I can't just leave. Hong Kong-"
"Will still be there tomorrow. And so will the reports. You need a night off. And we need a night, of 'us time'."
She thinks about it for a moment, biting her lip. But really she's not thinking, and the only reason she's biting her lip is because she knows what it does to him. "OK. Let's go home." And she puts her hand in his, their fingers intertwining.
"What did you do with the kids?"
"Donated them to disaster relief. Cy sorted it."
"Fitz, seriously!"
"Seriously. They'll make someone in Congo very happy." She elbows him playfully. "Fine. I didn't donate them. Yet." He looks down at her with a grin. "Cy went to visit James' parents and he wanted to take Zo, and she wanted to go. And Nur is with your mom. I bathed her before I dropped her off, so she only had to feed her and change her and nothing more."
'That's a shame." He quirks his eyebrows at her, in confusion. "Disaster relief actually sounded pretty amazing. Would have given us at least a week, until we could get them back safely."
"Maybe we should go on a holiday instead. A weekend away. It's cheaper overall… and well – legal."
"Mhmmmm." She's done talking as he unlocks the door and her lips crash on his. A trail of clothes scattered on the floor leading to the bedroom. They don't sleep that night, dozing off around dawn, only to be woken up by the alarm clock a couple of hours later – worn out, but happy; complete.
She smiles up at him, as his finger lifts up her chin; her naked body on top of his, "Hi."
And he trails her spine with his finger, absentmindedly smiling, blissfully happy – "Hi."
It's a perfect moment in time. A moment away from everyday; away from the hassle and rushing and endless "can't-s". A moment just for them, just with them. A perfect moment.
"Thank you."
"Oh, no, thank you." He says with a smirk, trying to hold back laughter.
"Not for that!" She exclaims, faux-annoyed. "For this. For arranging all of it, for thinking of it."
"It was Zoey actually. She was the one that suggested it. I mean, not the sex, clearly; but the – retreat. She suggested it."
"She doesn't hate me." She says, averting her gaze from his.
"Liv." He reaches for her cheek, "Look at me." He tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear, "That girl adores you. She was upset. It's how teenagers get. This, this is an adjustment. All of it. We'll get through it."
"OK." She runs her fingers through his hair. "But can we just stay like this, here, for another five minutes, before we have to get through anything?"
"Half an hour." He kisses her.
"Ten minutes." She kisses him back.
"Twenty five." He moves down to her neck.
"Fifteen." She starts moving down his body.
"Twenty." He pulls her up, kissing her deeply.
"Deal."
It's been a while, sorry! I hope you liked the fluff. It was actually fairly therapeutic for me, after all the angst one-shots and the heaviness that have been the past few chapters of this. Thanks for your continued support, I appreciate it so much and I love reading all of your reviews; honestly they're so inspiring :)