OK, so there's really nothing I could say in my defense. Except, for those of you who don't know, I started the prequel. It's called All In, and basically that occupied me for the past week. So check it out, if you're interested. For those of you who read it, I kind of waited with this chapter, because I needed to write the one with Liv's dad first, to explain some of this. I'll probably be updating this less frequently, while I'm writing All In, just because I really want to have a few chapters of this left, to help everyone get over the Fitz-hate. This chapter is a bit longer - basically me trying to compensate for the lack of updates. I really hope you'll like it :)
"We need to move." She looks up from her iPad, as he comes out from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel that hangs dangerously low.
"Not the moving again. We love this place. We agree we love this place."
"We do. But that has nothing to do with the fact that we've outgrown it and we need to move." He says it over his shoulder, trying to keep his voice calm, as he inspects his underwear drawer.
She just flashes him a mischievous grin. "I'm sorry, but that towel is distracting me." She gets out of bed and crosses the room to where he's standing. She wraps her arms around him and lays her head on his back, propping herself on tip-toes to kiss his shoulder.
"Livvy… We should talk about this."
"We should." She smiles against his skin as her hands travel down his body.
"Livvy…" It comes out more as a moan that lacks all resolve, than anything else.
"We'll talk tomorrow."
"Damn-it-mother-fu-"
"Well, good morning there." She chuckles at the image of him jumping on one leg, while listing profanities under his breath.
"We need to move." She hands him a cup of coffee as he bends down and kisses her softly.
"Fitz, it's 6 in the morning. How about coffee before we make any life-altering changes?"
"No! No, no, no, no, no, missy! You have been avoiding this conversation for weeks! We are discussing this." He says it with a winning grin, but when she finally stops reading she doesn't look convinced.
"Fitz…" Her voice sounds like it's gearing up for a fight. "This place is fine."
"It's too small. It's been too small for years, but we made it work. But now, with Cy and Nur, it's like all of us are living in an overcrowded cocoon."
"Well, cocoons are cool!" She tries to play it cute, but he is not impressed.
"Cy's stuff is in the nursery. He's on the couch. Karen and Gerry have to bunk with Zoey. Nur's toys are everywhere, and now that she's crawling so is she. I mean we barely fit at the table, let alone anything else. We need a bigger place."
"Well, Nur doesn't mind Cy's stuff. Seeing how she's six months old and really not that hung-up on having her personal space. The kids love it; bunking. It's like a sleepover that never ends. And even if we got a bigger place the toys would still be everywhere and so would she – it's called having a baby." She recites it; calmly; smiling victoriously.
"Liv, I'm serious about this!"
"So am I. We're not moving!"
"Why are you being so stubborn about this?" His voice is raising and he's getting up, pacing.
"Why are you pushing it?" Hers is accusatory; trying to shift the focus; turn the tables.
"No, this is not about me. We need a bigger place. The kids and Cy agree."
"You spoke to them about this?" Now she's standing too, arms crossed in front of her chest; defensive. "You talked to them, before you talked to me?"
"No! Not before, Liv! Between – between suggesting it and having you shoot it down instantly, and trying again; I spoke to them. It concerns them. They should have a say. And they do, they think we should move!"
"Sorry, I just need to…" Cy's voice breaks them out, making them both blush.
"Morning, Cy." They say at the same time, then shoot each other an angry look.
"I need to get ready for work."
"It's six in the morning Liv."
"Yes, well, I have a lot to do." She says it as she walks away, not pausing, or even lifting her head. "And I want to be here when Karen arrives."
"Karen, we missed you!" She pulls her in to a warm hug, running her hand soothingly over the girl's back.
"I missed you too!" She goes into another hug, before, "Oh my god! She's gotten so big! And she's so pretty!" With that she's leaving Liv and running towards Zo, who's holding the baby, grinning at her parent's faux-offended faces.
"Told you we're who'd she be the most excited to see!" She hands the baby to Karen, expertly. At first Nur just looks at her, barely blinking, and stirring slowly. But then she reaches her little hand out and touches her cheek. Karen melts under the touch, clearly not immune to the infant's charm. She turns around to look at Liv and Fitz – there's something off, but she can't put her finger on it.
"She's amazing."
"Well, she likes you too!" Liv says with a small smile. "That's a move she only uses on people she likes." She looks at the clock, and they can see the wheels in her head turning. "Why don't you guys hang out, while we finish dinner. And then we'll eat and you can tell us your plans."
"If you can find anywhere to hang out." Fitz adds under his breath, and she shoots him a death stare.
The girls exchange a look and then disappear into Zoey's room, leaving the two of them to chop away in silence.
"What was that about?" Karen asks as she hands a wooden block to Nur, running her hand affectionately over the infant's head.
'They're fighting."
"Yeah, I could tell." Karen says with a grin that says I'm-not-blind-that's-why-I'm-asking, and Zo just rolls her eyes.
"Sorry, Miss Harvard-material." She joins them on the floor, and instantly Nur starts making appreciative noises, and claps her hands happily. "Fitz wants to move and mom is set on staying in this place."
"But, it's tiny."
"I know. It makes no sense. She's being really stubborn about it. I mean, it's fine. They'll be fine. He pushes; she gets defensive; they fight – now they just have to make up. It's just the way they are. I mean getting her to change her name, and well mine to Pope-Grant, took convincing – they weren't talking for a week. She didn't sleep for two weeks when he just moved in. He's just all in, all the time – and she needs her space, she needs to process on her own. And they're both so head-strong, neither willing to give in easy."
"Wow."
"What?"
"You have them all figured out!"
She smiles. "Yeah, I guess. They're not as complicated as they like to think." And then she reaches for the block that Nur is chewing on and pulls it out, ignoring the loud whine. "And Nur will need the tips, once I'm off to college."
The dinner is quiet. The awkward you-can-hear-a-pin-drop, type of quiet. The type that makes everyone chew self-consciously, because they feel that's all everyone else can hear. The quiet that makes the utensils clinking against the porcelain sounds like bells chiming; the quiet that freezes the energy in the room.
Liv finally tries to break the ice, but really, it's just chipping the surface of a Titanic-sized ice-berg. "So, Karen, what's the plan?"
She almost chokes on her food, completely startled by the fact that someone spoke up; she imagines it's the same reaction she'd have to someone laughing at a funeral. "Uhmmm." She tries to swallow quickly, before the silence settles in, again. "We drive there. You guys show me around." Her eyes dart nervously between them. "I have a meeting with the Dean, midday. Thanks for that, by the way Liv." Liv smiles and nods her head, and she swears she can see her dad's head flinch involuntarily as he tries to fight off an appreciative smile. "And then, maybe we could grab a lunch or something. Dad always told me about this bar that has the best fries, where he always used to hang out." And she sees the same wistful smile stretching across their lips, but they still refuse to look at each other, their eyes firmly fixed on their hands.
"Well, that, certainly sounds like a plan." Fitz says, a hint of sadness in his voice; nostalgia.
"Desert, anyone?" Liv asks as she stands up. They all look at her, panicking. "I'm just kidding. It's late. You guys should go to bed. Early start tomorrow." They literally jump from their seats, yelling "Thanks!" just before disappearing into their bedroom.
He helps her clean up, washing the dishes as she dries them. His hand grazes the top of hers as he hands her a plate. It lingers there. Neither moving for a moment. "I hate fighting." She says quietly, still looking at the pile of dishes in the sink.
"Me too." She finally moves her hand as she starts wiping the plate. They don't speak again. They go to bed, each staying on their side; each wishing the other one would just give in and reach out; all it would take is another touch. But neither does; no, they stay like that, pretending to sleep, but really staring at the ceiling. They drift off eventually; exhaustion overpowering. She wakes up in his arms. They're in the middle of the bed, the little spoon and the bog spoon; their legs intertwined, his head buried in the crook of her neck, their hands tucked away under her chin. She smiles to herself before she gets up.
"Are we still in a fight?" She asks him as he pours himself a cup of coffee.
"Well, are you still being stubborn about this?"
"You're clearly still pushing it." She says, annoyed, dropping her coffee to the table with a loud thump. But before it can escalate; before they can get into it again,
"Good morning guys." They bow their heads in shame, blushing slightly.
"Morning." Again at the same time. Damn. They shoot each other a dirty look; frustrated that they're so in sync that they can't even fight properly.
"When are we leaving?" Zoey asks, trying to hide her smile as she pours herself some cereal.
"An hour." He says as he kisses the top of her head, before heading to the shower.
The car drive is brutal. Well, at least for the first ten minutes or so; until the teenagers give up and put their earphones in, disappearing into the land of loud beats and broken romances. The adults just sit quietly, Fitz gripping the wheel tightly, his lips in a straight line, his jaw clenched; Liv's forehead against the cool glass as she looks out, not noticing the passing scenery. He hates this. The distance; the way she pulls away from him; the way she glances, worried, when she thinks he's not looking. She hates it, too. The way she feels; she hates this fear that's paralyzing her; she hates herself for not being different, for being so-damn-complicated.
They're walking down the path, pointing to the famous buildings; telling intimate stories. Her arm is around Karen's shoulders, and they're a few steps ahead; Zo and Fitz not even trying to keep up, as they compete in who knows more obsolete historical details; Zo, now easily kicking his ass.
"This, this place used to have the best coffee." Karen's eyes follow her hand as she points to a small café.
"Is that where you and my dad met?" She asks, keeping her gaze on the café. Liv breathes in, trying to take a moment. They told Zoey; all the details she ever wanted to know; but this, this is different.
"No." She doesn't want to say more, step over the line; but she also doesn't want to freeze Karen out. She's old enough. "We met in a club." Karen chuckles and she ads, "Classy, I know."
"Did you instantly fall for him?" She can't believe Mellie hasn't told her. She expected her to tell every, dirty, little detail to her kids; that would have been very-Mellie. Maybe she really has changed, she thinks to herself.
"Yes." She says, a smile spreading across her lips as she thinks back to it. "He was… something."
Karen looks at her, smiling; then she looks down and starts twisting her fingers. "I'm sorry Liv."
"About what honey?"
She speaks quietly, Liv can barely hear. "It was me." Liv tightens her grip, pulling the girl closer in; but she lets her speak, she knows she needs to get this off her chest, she understands. "I figured it out years ago. I mean my parents' anniversary is only a few months before I was born. I know you guys broke up; but you loved each other so much, you would have gotten back together if my mom didn't end up pregnant. I'm sorry." Liv stops and turns to face her, lifting her head up gently, until the girl's teary, blue eyes are looking into her golden-brown ones.
"You have nothing to be sorry about. It was complicated, even before everything, it was complicated. And you, you were the best thing that could have come out of that mess; the best thing that could have happened. Your dad loves you so much; you're his weak-spot. He adores you, kiddo. And I love you, as much as I love my own girls. And none of this, none of it was your fault. We messed up, Karen. We were young, and stupid and we messed up. But you, you have nothing to be sorry about." She nods her head weakly, but she doesn't seem convinced. "You know why?" She shakes her head softly. "Because it still worked out. We have you and Gerry, and Zoey and Nur. We got more than we could have dreamed of. It took a bit longer than we thought, but we got so much more!" And for the first time, she means it; for the first time she believes it. She believes that it's OK. The wasted years; the tears; the nights she stayed awake, sitting alone in her bed – it's OK. Now, it's finally OK. It made her into who she is today. Confident and brilliant; a great mom; a loving daughter, a trusted friend… but with him, with him she's still twenty, trying to figure out how to love him, how to let him in completely. With him she still gets lost in her vulnerability. Maybe, it's because he sees, he's always seen past all the layers of pretense, or maybe it's because she can't believe that someone can love her so unconditionally; that someone can love her enough never to want to leave. Maybe it's just because she's terrified of needing him, of losing him.
A soft "Thank you," breaks her out of her thoughts, as he lays a light kiss on her temple. She just looks up and smiles at him, falling into his embrace comfortably.
"There's just one more place we need to see before your meeting." Liv says with a soft smile, and with that they're all walking again, extra spring in their steps.
They stand in front of a big building, lively chatter emanating from it; all eyes following Liv's arm.
"That was definitely my window." She squints a little, as if trying to see inside, trying to make sure she's right.
"Nope. That's not the one." He says with a smirk, as he moves behind her and moves her lifted arm slightly to the right. "It's that one."
"I lived there for two years, don't you think I'd know better?"
"Well I stood under it with a radio, praying to god you'd come out, so no, I don't think you'd know better!" They both chuckle at the girls' shocked faces.
"You did the scene from that movie?" Karen asks, sounding almost impressed.
"OK, firstly – it's not – that – movie. It's Say anything. Honestly, Karen you need to know that!" He says, sounding every bit a concerned parent. "And yes, it was really popular at the time, and we had just had a fight, so I was trying to make up."
"Did it work?" Zoey asks grinning.
"I didn't know the movie, or the scene." She says laughing. "I thought it was even more amazing because of that though, like I thought he was so creative. I totally fell for it. And he didn't tell me," she gently nudges him with her elbow, "he pretended it was all him."
"Hey, I just thought why not keep the illusion going." He says with that winning smile, the one that makes her knees go weak; the one that makes her smile back at him involuntarily.
She looks down at her watch, and then steps out of his embrace, after giving him a quick peck. "Time for your meeting, sweetie." And she wraps her arm around Karen, trying to calm her nerves. She can hear Fitz and Zoey giggling behind them; she's pretty sure he's telling her about the time he decided to decorate his face with a magic marker, after a marathon beer-pong session.
He's lying on the couch reading, as Karen comes out in her pajamas and lies next to him, putting her head in his chest. He runs his hand through her hair and then kisses the top of her hand, as he murmurs softly, "Hey, there."
They lie quietly for a moment, before he speaks, "Karen, about today; about what you said-"
She cuts him off before he can finish the sentence, "It's OK. Liv covered it."
"I'm sorry." She looks up at him, questioning. "You shouldn't have been wondering in the first place. You shouldn't have ever felt that way. I'm sorry for that."
"Dad, I'm a teenager. I would have felt something similar to that even if things were different." He just smiles weakly as he kisses her head again.
"I'm sorry anyway." He sighs, inhaling her – she always smells the same to him, like that small, pink thing that grabbed his finger, before even opening her eyes; and changed his life. "Your mom and I, we were never-"
"Never the way you are with Liv." She finishes the thought for him.
He chuckles quietly, before continuing, "Yeah. But you guys, you and Gerry, you made it all worth it. And not, in a sad way. You made me so happy. Your mom and I weren't happy as partners, but we were so happy as your parents. And I need you to always know that. No matter what's happening, no matter where I am, or what I'm doing – if all I am is your dad, that's enough."
She lifts her head slightly and kisses his cheek, before resting it on his chest again. "Dad, could I come for Thanksgiving. I know it's only two weeks away, but-"
"Karen, you remember the first thing I told you after I told you I was moving?"
"That there's always a ticket for me to come visit."
"Yes. There's always a ticket."
"I know, but it's expensive; flying back and forth."
"Don't worry about it. We always have enough money for you to visit. So if your mom's OK with that, of course you can." He squeezes her just a little bit tighter, before saying, "As much as I'd like to believe you want to spend some time with your amazing dad, what's really the reason for the sudden change of heart?"
"I just…" He sees her eyes wonder to the floor; Zoey lying on her back and Nur sitting on her midsection, her back against Zo's folded legs; as she keeps giggling and clapping her little hands. Then she lies down on top of Zoey, resting her head on her chest, murmuring gibberish. "I want her to like me, to know me."
"She likes you already. She'll love you when she's old enough to know how to. It's just with Zoey… I mean, she likes her better than she likes me and Liv." He tries to laugh, but she just looks on, quietly.
"I'll be closer next year." She says wistfully and he just rubs her back soothingly.
"Time for bed everyone." Liv calls out from the table where she's been playing Speed with Cy; only sign that they're alive occasional scream – SPEED! They all protest, loudly; Nur joining the rebellion gladly, but fifteen minutes later, everyone's in bed, Liv smiling victoriously as she settles into his embrace.
"We can move."
"Liv, I wasn't upset about moving." She looks up at him. "Ok I wasn't upset just about the moving. I was upset because you wouldn't tell me why you didn't want to do it."
"I just…" She falls quiet, her voice drifting of, she can feel her mind withdrawing from his embrace.
"Hey, it's just me. Talk to me, Livvy."
And there it is, that familiar feeling; the feeling of all the walls coming down, crumbling to the ground. Leaving just her, his Livvy, in his arms. "This is the first home I had. The first place where I felt completely safe. Not in a physical type of way, just I felt safe. Like I could be whoever I needed to be and it would be OK. This place, it's where I grew up Fitz. It's where I got Zoey. It's where I finally let you in. It's where I learned how to let myself be happy. I just, I know it's silly, but I'm scared of moving. I'm scared of letting go."
"You should have just told me. It's not silly. But I can't know these things, unless you tell me." He runs his hand down her body; a touch filled with familiarity; intimacy. "We can call an architect, see if there's a way to maximize the space."
"That's OK. We can move. I realized today, feeling safe, it's not about a place; it's about accepting yourself. And I think I'm finally ready to do that."
He knows today is the anniversary, but he doesn't say anything. He knows there's more to the story than what she told him, but he's waiting for her to be ready. Twenty years, and he's still waiting for her to tell him; to fully let him in. He's still waiting for her to heal completely; afraid that some wounds just run too deep. All he can do is love her, fully, completely, loudly. Love her for who she is – stubborn and complicated; brilliant and outspoken; kind and fragile; and so full of love. Love her and make sure she knows she's loved.
"Thank you for today." And she just nods her head, barely; drifting to sleep in his arms. They're the safest homes she's ever known.