(21)
Elizabeth awoke in confusion the following morning, once again finding herself in a new bedroom. She could not remember going to bed the night before, but she did remember being terribly sleepy when she finished changing. She must have fallen asleep waiting for Darcy. Judging by the dressing gown she was still wearing, he must have helped her to bed.
She sighed to herself. She hoped he did not consider her falling asleep an indication of her receptiveness, or lack thereof, to him.
She laid in her bed for a few more minutes before heading to her dressing room. It was her first full day at Pemberley, and she had every intention of exploring as much as she could. Perhaps she could even walk out before church if she was up early enough.
After dressing, Elizabeth headed to the suite's sitting room. It was earlier than their rising time in town, but she would not be surprised if Darcy kept earlier hours in the country.
The room was quiet. Elizabeth hesitated, unsure if she should knock on Darcy's door. She would prefer to have him walk with her, but she had never approached his room in town. She had not needed to; he always rose before her and met her in the sitting room.
The desire to have him as a guide overcame her reticence, and Elizabeth approached his door. She took a deep breath and knocked timidly. Less than half a minute later it flew open to a half-dressed Darcy.
"Elizabeth! Good morning! Did you sleep well?"
His rather exuberant greeting startled her. Then she noticed his state of dress. Elizabeth was quiet for a minute while she took in Darcy's stocking feet, untucked and open-necked shirt, and freshly shaven face. She had seen him so little dressed before, but usually at night with only candles for light. In the morning sunshine it was easier to see, and see him she did. She was reminded again that she had married an incredibly handsome man.
When her perusal reached his eyes, she saw that he was watching her. He cocked his eyebrow in question and she blushed, embarrassed to be caught.
"Elizabeth?" he asked with a smile playing around his lips.
"I slept well, thank you," she finally replied. "Good morning to you as well."
Deciding not to make her any more uncomfortable, Darcy asked, "I was not sure you would be awake yet, but since you are, would you be amenable to a walk?"
Elizabeth shook her head slightly to clear it, "I would. It is the reason I disturbed you, I was looking for my guide."
He smiled fully, "I am happy to perform the service."
He finished dressing and joined her. They went to the east side of the house first, as Elizabeth wanted to follow the paths she could see from their windows.
The gardens were everything she would have chosen had she designed them herself. They were neat, but there was no rigidness. It reminded her of herself, like wildness contained. She felt at home in them, and it was not long before she let loose the energy bubbling up inside of her. She released Darcy's arm and ran a ways ahead. She spun around and looked back at him, quietly watching him walk toward her.
Darcy watched her exuberance with pleasure, glad he was sharing her first foray onto Pemberley's grounds. As he approached, he saw her returning his gaze with a thoughtful expression.
"You like it, then?" he asked quietly.
"It is lovely," she replied, bouncing up on her toes. She did not understand this feeling inside of her. Usually she knew what was causing her to be anxious, but not today. She needed to let it out, however, and she had the need to share it with him. She reached out her hand and slipped her fingers between his and held him tight.
"Come, run with me!"
Darcy hesitated. He had not run through the lawns since he had left school.
She pulled on his hand, "Come with me! Do you ever feel like your insides are going to burst out of you if you do not do something, anything, to relieve it?"
He looked at her in surprise. "Do you?"
"All of the time! Why do you think I walk so much? Why do you ride?"
"I suppose, when I am not simply riding for pleasure, that the activity focuses my mind and allows me to think. I do not know that I have ever felt as you describe. What do you do when you are in town or some other place you cannot let it free?"
"Tamp that feeling down until I am sure I am going to go mad. I suppose that is why I feel so wild this morning. I am finally free to be myself."
He was decided immediately. He was curious where this would take them, and he did not wish to hold her back.
When she tugged on his hand again, he did not hesitate. They ran across the grassy lawn to the edge of the woods. Her breathless laughter rang out as they reached the trees. She gave him a mischievous grin, and then let go of him to jump up on a low branch of a tree. She slipped around the trunk to a slightly higher branch, holding one above her. She worked her way around the tree until she was facing him again, but a few feet up. Her ability to work her way through a tree had not been lost.
"Shall I shock you today?" she asked.
"You should not have warned me of the possibility, if that was your goal," he replied pleasantly.
Elizabeth dropped to a lower branch and moved within reach of him. She set her hands on his shoulders and instinct caused him to wrap his hands about her waist. He guided her to the ground when she leapt, catching her against him.
"You are unconcerned that I am wild, and you do not seem to think me mad, no matter what I tell you."
"I find your zeal for life beautiful and to be treasured. You do surprise me, but they are delightful surprises."
"I would not have thought a man who interacts with the world in the manner you do would value the whimsical."
"Perhaps I value it in you so much because I wish for some of it for myself. I do believe I hope you will show me how."
"You wish me to show you how to be wild and a little mad?"
"Yes."
"How did I manage to find you?" she asked in awe.
She reached up and captured his face in her hands then, and kissed him. It felt bold, but she had never felt so close to him before. She had the urge to show him how she felt, she could not think of words for it.
Darcy responded in kind. He meant what he said, that he was missing that love of life, and he wished for it. Her willingness to share it with him made him feel loved, even if she could not say it. His arms tightened around her, pressing her to him. He could not hold her close enough, could not show her enough how much he loved her.
They finally pulled apart to breathe, and he said quietly, "If you are mad, I will gladly follow you there."
She smiled, "I am happy you think so. I believe I said it before, that you are stuck with me. You promised forever, you remember. That is a long time to live with me."
"It will never be long enough," he replied.
The walk back to the house was quiet, each of them too full of this new feeling of closeness between them to speak.
That afternoon Darcy and Georgiana showed Elizabeth and Jane the house. The tour spanned hours and was full of delightful discoveries for both ladies. Darcy told them stories that even Georgiana had not heard, and he soon found himself with a rapt audience. He had always been proud of his heritage, and it was gratifying to have these ladies, especially his wife, show such interest.
They saved the library for last. Darcy wanted Elizabeth to have all the time she needed to enjoy it, without feeling rushed.
He was not disappointed in her response.
Darcy had let their sisters enter ahead of them, holding Elizabeth back slightly. When they walked through the door, Elizabeth stopped abruptly and looked around in awe. It took a minute for Georgiana and Jane to notice that they had not been followed.
While Jane enjoyed reading, she did not live in books as her sister and father did. She took another look around, and tried to imagine it from Elizabeth's view.
"Had you thought it possible, Lizzy?" she asked.
"I had not," her sister replied reverently. "I have not seen so many books in one place before. How do you ever begin to choose?"
Georgiana giggled, "You sound like my brother. He declared once, in one of my early memories of him, that he would read every book in here. I do not think he has even come close."
"I have made a valiant effort. It is difficult when it continues to grow."
Elizabeth laughed, "I do believe that is entirely your fault, sir. I recall that you are always buying books."
It was Jane's turn to laugh. "When both of you are continually purchasing new ones, you will run out of room. I dare say Lizzy would as soon wear rags for the chance at a good book."
"What are lace and ribbons to histories and plays?" asked Elizabeth as she walked toward the nearest shelf.
"How is it organised?" she continued. "Is it the same as the house in town?" After having been in the library in London, she knew the Darcy family would not keep books as her father did, scattered wherever they fit.
"Not quite the same," Darcy replied, and then proceeded to show her and Jane how to find what they were looking for.
Jane soon chose a book to take back to her rooms, but Elizabeth could not decide. She went from shelf to shelf, section to section and simply took them all in while Darcy watched her. By silent agreement, Jane and Georgiana soon left the couple to themselves. They were both tired from the adventures of the afternoon, and could see that Elizabeth would be busy for a while yet. Darcy seemed content to follow her and enjoy her excitement, and they left him to it.
Elizabeth eventually discovered the royal histories and stopped. She lovingly ran her hand across the spines.
"These were Papa's favourites. He would not have told you so, but they were. Not because he was particularly patriotic, but because he disagreed with the royal historians on so many things. His copies are filled with his arguments against what he saw as false representation. I think he had read every one of his at least six times."
"He was not fond of the attempt to gloss over our monarchs' imperfections? That appears rather unpatriotic."
"You do not consider the writers pompous fools who were only seeking their own importance through flattery?"
Darcy smiled, "I assume that means you agree with your father?"
"I am not fond of flattery. Those who offer it prove that they think their intended target shallow. It is either an insult to their subject or proof the author is lying."
"That is a very decided opinion."
"It is very rational, and you sound like your aunt."
Darcy's eyebrows shot up, "Since when do you attack the person rather than the argument?"
Elizabeth smirked, "It was tit-for-tat. You called into question my ability to form a sound opinion."
"That was not my intention. I was merely pointing out that you seem very firm in your opinion. I did not know that this subject was so important to you."
"The royal histories are not, but flattery makes me peevish. I have heard too much of it, and I find very little worse than someone who attempts to raise their fortunes with false pretense. If one wishes to improve their lives, they should do so honestly."
"I begin to truly see why your cousin would not have survived marriage to you."
Elizabeth let out an unlady-like snort. "He missed his calling. He should be a royal historian."
Darcy laughed at that.
"You do not seem particularly upset by your wife's indelicate opinions," continued Elizabeth. "First, you do not mind me wild and mad, and now you do not mind my impertinence."
"I enjoy your lively mind. I would not wish to curb it."
"You would encourage me to be impertinent? My mother would be appalled. She spent my entire childhood trying to break me of that. She thought it made me unmarriable."
"Thankfully for me, she appears to have failed."
"Mostly due to my father. He was always at cross-purposes with her; giving me books that horrified her," Elizabeth said fondly.
"I do wish I could have known him better. I should have liked to understand the man who was so important in making you the woman you are."
Elizabeth smiled with misty eyes, "I am gratified that you think so."
She walked into the circle of his arms then, enjoying the comfort she felt there.
"He would be happy to know that I have married a man who appreciates my mind. I know he wanted that for me. I believe he would be proud of my choice."
On Thursday, Darcy and Elizabeth spent the afternoon apart for the first time since arriving at Pemberley. Darcy had happily devoted his days to helping Elizabeth explore, but needed to attend to some business.
About an hour before he would need to dress for dinner, there was a knock at his door, followed by the entry of Giles.
"Sir, a delivery of two crates has just arrived. They came with a letter addressed to you."
Giles handed him the letter and then asked, "Where shall I direct them?"
Darcy saw the direction was written in an unfamiliar feminine hand. He tore open the seal, and caught a second letter as he unfolded it. The letter was short, but everything he could have hoped for from its sender.
Dear Sir,
Please consider our transaction complete. I wish you all the happiness these may bring you and Mrs. Darcy.
C. Collins
The enclosure was addressed to Elizabeth. Darcy could not believe his good fortune; that he should acquire these books with so little effort on his part. Clearly Mrs. Collins cared for her friend.
"Please have them brought to my study, Giles. I will deal with them," Darcy finally responded to his butler. He then left in search of his sister, to ask for a favour.
As each night before it, the discussion at dinner centred on Jane and Elizabeth's new discoveries. Pemberley and its lands were an immense place to explore, and even Jane could not resist the pull to see all parts of it.
Darcy had felt happiness in London, with Elizabeth at his side. Here in Derbyshire, with her finding her place in his ancestral home where he remembered his childhood, was domestic bliss. He was delighted in her natural curiosity and desire to learn about his home and family. Tonight he was hopeful that what awaited them in his study would bring some of the comfort of her own childhood to her.
After dinner Georgiana took Jane to view her riding habits; the younger girl had offered to have one of them fitted for Miss Bennet when she discovered her new sister was a fellow horsewoman but had not thought to bring hers. They were making plans to find a horse for Jane soon and wished to be ready.
Darcy invited Elizabeth to his study.
"There is something I would show you," was all he said.
He walked her into the room, handed her the letter from on top of the crates, and stood back. He did not want to be in her way.
Elizabeth recognised her friend's hand on the envelope and gave Darcy a curious look. He did not respond, so she opened it.
My Dear Eliza,
All of the credit for this goes to your husband, I hope you give him his due.
C. Collins
That was...odd. Was Charlotte implying a scolding in that note?
"What have you done?" she asked.
"You may see for yourself," he replied. "The crates are open."
She moved hesitantly toward them and knelt down. She pulled the lid off of the first crate and picked up the first paper-wrapped...book? She was not sure why he would get her two crates full of books when they already had a library full of ones she had not read. Then she unwrapped the parcel, and saw the aged condition and title. She moved to open the cover and saw her father's name plate. She flipped through a few pages and saw the beloved handwriting she knew so well.
Elizabeth could barely breathe as she pulled each of the next few books out, and they were all her father's. It only took those few, and the tears started to form. She did not know what it had taken for Darcy to acquire these, but she was incredibly grateful. He had such a selfless way about him when it came to giving any form of happiness to someone he loved. There was nothing he would not do. He truly was the best of men, and she loved him for it.
She was reaching for another book when that thought hit her. She loved him.
Darcy was watching Elizabeth with delight. Her realisation of what the crates contained had been everything he had hoped for. He could see her happiness, even through the tears forming in her eyes. He was smiling when she froze in mid-reach over the crate. He became concerned when she did not move for what seemed an eternity.
"Elizabeth?" he asked, worry sounding in his voice.
She looked up then, with wide eyes. She pushed herself up from the floor and walked toward him, never moving her eyes from his.
"Elizabeth, what is wrong?"
"Nothing, absolutely nothing is wrong," she replied. "You are the best man I have ever known, Fitzwilliam."
"It was not that difficult to acquire them, really. I am glad you are happy-"
She cut off his speech with a hand over his mouth. It was his turn to have wide eyes, but he was quiet.
"I do not care how much or how little effort it took. I care that you did it at all."
She removed the hand from his mouth.
"Fitzwilliam, I love you," she said with wonder in her voice, and then leaned in and kissed him.
He did not react at first, he was too shocked. He had not expected her declaration. When she gently pulled away, worry now in her eyes, he perused her face, looking for some sign that this was real.
"Fitzwilliam?" she asked hesitantly.
"You are serious?" he asked.
"Absolutely, I am only sorry that I could not see it sooner."
He made an unintelligible sound, put his arms around her and crushed her to him.
"I did not...I had not...how?" he finally stuttered out, the sound muffled in her hair.
"I realised you are the best man I have ever known and in that moment I knew. I cannot explain it. It just is."
"Thank God," he whispered.
He pulled his head away from her enough to kiss her, pouring everything he felt into the kiss. Elizabeth returned that love with her own, feeling a new sense of closeness that she had not before. His hands began to roam, and eventually he picked her up, turned and placed her on his desk. He kissed down her neck, onto her chest, up to her shoulders and then returned to her face.
Darcy reached a point where he felt as though his heart would burst out of his chest. He wanted to show her how he felt, and this was not enough. He dragged his face away from hers.
"Elizabeth," he said with labored breath, "I want...will you?"
She understood what he was trying to say, and saved him the struggle.
"Yes, I will. I am ready to be your wife Fitzwilliam, in every way."
He looked around the study and for a moment considered the small sofa in front if the fireplace, and then he glanced back at his wife's flushed face and the rational part of him began to work again. He could not make love to her for the first time on a sofa in his study.
He helped her off the desk, slid his hand around hers, and tugged her towards the door.
"Come, we need to go."
"To bed? Now?"
"Yes, now! I have waited weeks for this, you do not think I plan to wait any longer, do you?"
She laughed at his uncharacteristic impatience, "Do you propose that we run through the house to our rooms? It will be rather obvious, won't it?"
"I do not care. We are still newlywed, it is expected that we should be enamoured of one another. You have not changed your mind, have you?"
"No, I simply assumed you would not want the house to know what we are about."
"Then let us go before you do," was his only reply.
With that, he pulled her out the door and walked so quickly she nearly had to run to keep up.
By time they reached their door, Elizabeth was fully laughing and breathless. He pulled her inside and shut the door behind them.
"Do not move," he said, and quickly went through his door.
Before she had time to think, he was back with a robe and nightshirt in hand. He tossed them across the back of a chair and pulled her into his arms.
"What are you doing?" she asked, surprised.
"Making love to my wife," he replied, and captured her mouth with a kiss.
She was compliant for a moment, then pulled back to say, "I should dress."
"I do believe the goal of this adventure is to have you undressed, actually."
Her eyes went wide. "You wish me undressed?" she whispered.
Darcy loosened his hold on her and took a deep breath to steady himself. He had been more than ready for this for weeks, but his wife was new to the idea, and innocent. He needed to slow down and not take this too quickly.
"I would prefer it, yes."
"Oh."
"Do you object?"
She paused, remembering her hope that he would not want her undressed. Now, after knowing she loved him, she realised that she wished to please him.
"I do not. But Nel will still need to help me, I cannot get out if this dress on my own."
"I had hoped to perform the office for you, if that is agreeable."
Her eyes went wide again, "You would do that?"
"I do not want to be separated from you."
"Oh," she replied, looking disconcerted.
"Elizabeth?"
"I will still need to dismiss Nel, and I am embarrassed for her to know why."
"I think she will be gone by now. I asked Dalton to take care of it when I went to my dressing room. Was that presumptuous of me?" he asked, suddenly worried that he would have upset her.
"No, that was reasonable."
Darcy watched her while she contemplated something.
"Elizabeth?"
She looked up, "Yes?"
"Are you well?"
"Yes, but I realise, now that we are here and in this moment, I do not know what to do. This is all happening very differently from how I was told. I do not wish to disappoint you," she finished on a whisper.
He pulled her close then, burying his face in her hair again and simply enjoying the feeling of her against him.
"You cannot possibly disappoint me. If it eases your discomfort, I am a little unsure myself. I do not wish for you to be disappointed, either."
"Oh," she breathed. She had not thought that Darcy, as a man, would have doubts. She assumed, like her mother had said, they simply knew what to do. It did ease her worry some.
Darcy held her for a few minutes, both to give her time and allow him to think of what he was about to do. When he felt the tension in her ease, he pulled away again and took her hand. He led her to her room and shut the door behind them.
A/N: I would like to tell you that the next chapter will come faster than these last couple, but it's not likely. I'm still in the midst of my busy season at work - about five more weeks to go. Thanks for your patience with the erratic posting schedule.