The Joys of Parenthood
Disclaimer: I'm not RIB, so I don't own Glee or any of the characters. If I did, I'd be rich and probably not writing fanfiction! This fic is an MPREG fic, so I'll be using my go-to MPREG explanation like I did in When We're Older aka the Reddin gene. The gene is based on the Reddin character from the 1994 movie Junior. You should really watch it if you like mpreg. It's a good movie, I promise (I also don't have any rights to it either!) I also don't really own anything mentioned in this except for the crazy storyline so... I OWN NOTHING. Songs mentioned include Elevator by Flo Rida and Love in an Elevator by Aerosmith.
[PROMPT: Kurt's pregnant and one day happens to get stuck on the elevator in their apartment building. He calls Blaine, who's back at the apartment and lets him know that he thinks he's in labor.]
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Like that could actually happen."
Kurt rolled his eyes and swiped the bowl of popcorn from his husband's hands, carefully balancing it on his rounded belly before he dug in and grabbed a handful of kernels. Blaine snickered next to him, grinning as he chewed, his focus still onscreen even though he knew Kurt was probably making the most ridiculous scoffing facial expressions over what they were watching.
"I'm pretty sure it's happened though, otherwise how would a bunch of tv shows include it in their storylines? Saved By the Bell wasn't the only one to do it, you know? The Nanny did it. The Suite Life of Zack and Cody-"
"It's just so dumb though. Oh, you get on an elevator, it breaks down, and then your water breaks! Wow! Dumb."
"I'm still not really sure why you're so offended by it."
"Please do not question your pregnant husband. Just nod, agree, and say, yes dear."
Blaine did as he was told, laughing as he took some more popcorn. "Yes, dear. Whatever you say. Going into labor while in an elevator is stupidly cliche and could never ever happen. Kurt Anderson-Hummel is almighty and all-knowing and I should never question him."
"That's right. Now... do you mind bringing me some sprinkles? This popcorn needs something else, something... sweet."
::::::::::
No matter how stupid Kurt thought that specific episode of Saved By the Bell was, he couldn't get it off his mind. He himself was eight-and-a-half months pregnant with his and Blaine's first child (a girl) and he was excited as could be to become a daddy. However, the further along he got in his pregnancy, the more he wondered about birth itself. Television show births were some of the worst portrayals he'd ever seen. They were cliche and absurd - not everyone screamed like a banshee while they were in labor, nor did they have a miraculously clean child when the kid first slipped out. It was like all reality went out the window when it came to tv magic and Kurt wondered why so many others around him thought that the stuff they saw on tv could happen to them.
Hell, one of the other carrier couples in Kurt's parenting class spent a whole half hour during their lesson asking about childbirth and whether or not the things he saw on tv were true. Could one really have a baby in a taxi? Was it safe to take an elevator when you're so far along just in case it breaks down? How many people have actually had to give birth at home because a freak snowstorm hit and no one could drive due to the ice? The whole time the man asked his questions, Kurt's eyes stayed rolled back in his head, his teeth grinding as he wondered who in the world would've impregnated such an imbecile. You can't believe everything on tv, he thought to himself as he debated on whether or not to snap and make the guy shut up himself.
Thank god Blaine had been there to calm him down, gently massaging his hands along Kurt's side until he was distracted enough that his classmate's incessant questions were just a mere afterthought in his brain.
Now though, those very questions were swimming around in Kurt's mind, bleeding through his skull as he watched big fat raindrops pelt the taxi window and splash onto the asphalt below. It had been raining ridiculously all day, not once tapering off like Kurt wished it would. He'd honestly wanted to walk to the market that morning, his body feeling cramped tight since he got out of bed. But it decided to rain like a freaking monsoon, so he was stuck taking a taxi to and from the store, instead spending a few hours just wandering around the stalls to let his limbs stretch while he admired the various wares stacked up along the place. The browsing seemed to do his body a little good; the dull ache that had been bothering him earlier had faded away to almost nothing, but Kurt still wished for the rain to stop. He still wanted to go on a walk!
As the taxi crawled its way through the rain slowed traffic, Kurt slipped his phone out of his coat pocket and checked his texts again, unsurprised to see that Blaine had messaged him and announced that he'd made it home from work and was going to start dinner. A smile graced Kurt's features as he sent a response, his thoughts now on his kindly husband. Blaine had been a superstar father-to-be over the last few months, making sure Kurt had everything he needed throughout the whole pregnancy. He was so good to him, rubbing his back and feet when Kurt really needed it, running halfway across the city when Kurt had to have a specific kind of butter for his toast. Really Blaine deserved an award for all he did and Kurt knew exactly what he was going to give him whenever he got home.
"Ahem-"
Kurt looked up, blinking at the expectant taxi driver who was turned around in his seat and staring at him. They were idling in front of the apartment complex where Kurt lived, his stop already there, so he pulled a wad of cash out of his wallet, handed it to the man whilst thanking him, and climbed out with his groceries, running across the sidewalk towards the front doors as fast as his tired legs would take him. No matter how quickly he ran though, he still got drenched from the thick curtain of water. Figures. As he shook himself off like some sort of wet dog in the entrance way, he cursed his luck and dragged himself to the elevator.
A crack of thunder sounded behind him, rattling the building with its booming and he shivered, thankful that he was no longer out there in that storm. It was getting worse. Thank goodness he was home.
Pressing the button for the elevator, he waited until it crept down to the main lobby, opening its rickety doors and allowing him inside. The small quarters reeked of wet dog, evident that one of his neighbors had just been out there in the rain with their pets, and he scrunched his nose, glad that he'd only be in the damn thing for a few seconds at the most.
Or so he thought.
Another boom sounded outside and then everything went black. The elevator jerked and Kurt stumbled forward, catching himself on the safety bar just a few inches from him. His grocery bag rattled, a bag of plums almost rolling out of the side before he caught those too, cursing under his breath as the emergency lights began to flicker back on so he could see again.
"I hate storms," he grumbled, shuffling over to press the button for his floor again. The touchpad lit up, showing that he should be heading towards the sixth floor... but then it went back off again, the six button going dim several more times as Kurt punched his finger into it over and over and over again. "You have got to be kidding me. You have got to be fucking kidding me."
Annoyed and telling himself not to panic, Kurt held his finger down on the button, hoping that by doing so it would kick start the fucking elevator into finally moving. It didn't. Instead, the damn thing went back off as he took his finger away, so he quickly began stabbing his finger into the emergency button. A few seconds went by before a voice came over from the speakers above his head, surprising him enough to make him jump even though he knew damn well that it was coming.
"Hello?"
"Umm yeah, hi. My name's Kurt Anderson-Hummel. I live on the sixth floor of this apartment building and I seem to be stuck in the elevator. The power went out and... umm, well it's not working."
"Oh. I'm very sorry for your inconvenience, but I assure you that once the generator kicks back on, the elevator will work. It might take a few minutes, but it should come back on shortly."
Before Kurt had a chance to say another word, the connection fizzled out and he cursed, leaning back against the wall while he waited for whatever generator controlled this thing to come back on. While he waited, he put his grocery bag on the floor, careful to not stick it in any wet spots, before he dug out his phone and started to text Blaine. He knew his husband was already up in their apartment waiting for him, so he decided to drop him a line to let him know where he was.
To Blaine:
Babe, the elevator died. Waiting for the generator to kick back on. Be up soon.
From Blaine:
Oh my god. Are you okay?
To Blaine:
I'm fine. This stuff happens all the time. I'll be up in a few minutes. I may need a massage when I get up there. My back hurts.
From Blaine:
Whatever you want.
Smiling, he put his phone away and ran his hands over his belly, humming as the baby kicked angrily at his touch. "Ouch princess, not so hard. You don't need to get angry at me. I'm not the one who caused the storm." Another harsh kick answered him and he chuckled, patting that area fondly while he took a look around the elevator. Other than the smell, it wasn't too bad of a place to be stuck in. Yeah, he was feeling a little claustrophobic, but he'd be out soon. The generator would come on and send him up to the sixth floor where he belonged and that would be that.
Then the power went out again.
A succession of booms racked the building, causing the floor to tremble beneath Kurt's feet. This time the plums did roll out of the bag, but luckily they were still in their plastic baggy, so he bent down and picked them up, stuffing them back where they belonged before he sunk down to the floor and waited for the elevator to start. His daughter stopped kicking, instead moving around like she was rolling and then Kurt felt the most intense pressure in his life.
"What the- holy shit."
His back twinged, the pain circling all the way around his middle from his belly button to his spine. He gasped, hunching forward just the slightest bit before he settled back on his bottom, eyes watery from whatever the hell that was.
Was that a contraction? No, it couldn't be. Shoving away those conflicting thoughts, he went back to thinking about that massage Blaine was going to give him. Blaine had magic hands, fingers gifted to him from some masseuse blessed fairies or something, and Kurt loved having those amazing palms rubbing oils and lotions all over his body. Just the thought that he was going to be feeling that soon made his heart race a bit in his chest and he smiled blissfully to himself, excited of what's to come.
And then the pain came back.
It was worse the second time around, a god awful feeling of tightness and agony all balled up into one, enough to make him actually cry out this time as he clutched his stomach with wide, terrified eyes. Oh my god, what if I'm in labor? What if I'm becoming a cliche?! The memories from earlier came pooling back into his mind, flooding his thought process as he imagined every scenario he'd watched on classic 90s television where an expectant mother accidentally went into labor on an elevator. The only thing he was missing was some squeamish person on his side screaming about how they didn't know how to deliver a baby while he yelled to high heavens and got all dramatic over their unfortunate situation.
"This is my luck," he hissed out, fingers splayed across his belly as he glared around the darkened elevator. The pain subsided for a moment, allowing him a chance to relax, and then he settled back against the wall, anger taking over the slight fear he felt after that first ache. "Should've kept my mouth shut. This is some sort of karma, isn't it? This always happens to me. Shut up Kurt, don't say a word or something bad's going to happen to you. You-" He whimpered again, the pain coming back with a vengeance. "Jesus! Holy shit! Why now, baby? Why do you want to come now?"
Hands shaking, he pulled his phone from his coat pocket again and dialed Blaine, praying that their cell service was still okay so he could tell his husband where he was. It only took Blaine a few rings to answer, but Kurt could hear music playing in the background signifying that his hubby had been in the process of cooking dinner.
"Hey honey. You're not still stuck in the elevator, are you?"
"Blaine, I-" A long groan suppressed his next words and within seconds, Blaine went from curious, slightly worried husband to a panicking mess on the other line.
"What was that? Kurt? Are you alright? That didn't sound good. It almost sounded like- oh my god. Honey no. Are you in labor? Are you in labor?! Oh my god! OH MY GOD! You're stuck in an elevator and you're in labor oh my god-"
"I don't have time for your jokes, Blaine Anderson. I need you to come see what floor I'm stuck on and try to get me out. I-" He paused for second, face scrunching up as the pain got a little stronger. "I'm not having this baby in an elevator. I cannot perform a c-section on myself! You can't slice anything with celery!"
He could sense Blaine's face paling over the line.
"Just... I'm gonna try to page the emergency button again and I need you to try and get help too, okay? I don't know if this is the real thing, but if it is, I'm not having this child in the fucking elevator! Do you understand me?"
"I do. Oh honey, I'm gonna get help, okay? Just... keep breathing and don't panic."
"Oh believe me, I'm not panicking." He was. He so was.
::::::::::
Another half an hour went by and Kurt was freaking out. He was scared mostly, but he was still angry over what was happening too. Of all the people in the world, he had to get stuck in the elevator whilst pregnant. Of course. Running his hand along his belly, he waited for the emergency personnel to finally get him out of this shithole and to a hospital. He wasn't sure if the aches and pains he felt were the real thing, but he definitely didn't want to be stuck in the elevator the whole damn time to find out. Honestly, he wanted his husband and he wanted a massage and some dinner and then he wanted to call all of the writers of the tv shows he'd stupidly watched with this same exact storyline in it and tell them to go fuck themselves.
Unfortunately for him, he was still stuck on a frozen, out of service elevator.
As he grumbled to himself, his phone rang and he looked down, not surprised to see Blaine's face smiling onscreen. "Please tell me you're getting me out of here."
"The fire department's here. We're on the bottom floor and according to them, it looks like you're stuck between the second and third floors, so they're gonna try and get you out. They don't want you to panic, so please please please don't panic. We're going to get you out, honey. Okay?"
"Okay. Will you stay on the line with me? It's lonely in here."
"Of course."
"Can you sing to me?"
"Whatever you want."
Kurt was sure he enjoyed those words most of all. Whatever you want. They were like the tagline to this pregnancy. Whatever you want. He smiled as Blaine started to sing, just something random that he thought Kurt would like to hear, and while he did so, the other man started to eat one of those rogue plums that kept trying to escape his bag. He rested his hand on his stomach, hoping that the worst of whatever those pains were had completed, but then Blaine segued from his beautiful rendition of a Frank Sinatra song into something quite... dickish.
This boy is, he's stuck on my ella-ella-elevator
This boy is, he's stuck on my ella-ella-elevator
This boy is, he's stuck on my ella-ella-elevator
This boy is, he's stuck on my el-el-el-el-el
"BLAINE!"
"What?"
"I can't believe you'd sing that to me right now!"
Laughter answered him and he chuckled too, rolling his eyes at the thought of his idiot husband standing out there singing to him over the phone while a bunch of firemen tried to get to him, especially singing that song. He wondered what the fire fighters were thinking. They probably thought his husband was a nutjob with a serious problem, especially since his trapped lover was almost nine months pregnant and stuck in an elevator. Slipping into another fit of giggles, Kurt breathed out a quiet expression of love, glad that even though he was married to quite the little creep, his husband still knew how to make him feel better.
"I love you too," Blaine answered, ending his first song to enter into another one that had Kurt almost rolling.
Love in an elevator
Livin' it up when I'm goin' down
Love in an elevator
Lovin' it up when I hit the ground
"You're so dumb! I could be in labor and you're making me laugh!"
Blaine stopped, sighing. "I hate it that you're stuck in there. I wish I was in there instead of you. Or that I was in there with you. If you're in labor, you shouldn't be alone."
"I'll be fine. I haven't felt any sort of pain in a few minutes, so maybe it was Braxton Hicks?"
"Braxton Hicks or not, we're going to the hospital the second you're out of there."
Once again, the power flickered, the storm outside raging on while a handful of people and Blaine struggled to get to Kurt. As the lights blinked on and off in their fury, Kurt rested his head against the wall and shut his eyes, listening as Blaine slipped back into singing soothing songs instead of the joking parodies he'd been doing. The sound of someone trying to pry the main doors open a floor above him alerted Kurt that they were getting closer and he was ready for them to finally rescue him from this ridiculous incident.
::::::::::
Riding to the hospital via ambulance wasn't something Kurt was familiar with, but it was definitely faster getting around town than taxi, though not by much. Within a few hours of getting stuck in that damn elevator, he was out and on his way to get some help. By then, the pains had died down and the baby was back to kicking at him like she was angry at something, but Blaine and the crew who rescued him thought Kurt needed medical attention just in case, so he was being whisked away to the local hospital.
Once they arrived, his vitals were taken, the baby was monitored and all was deemed well. The distressing aches he experienced were declared Braxton Hicks contractions like he thought they were and then he was released with the advice that he should take it easy for the next few weeks since he'd been through such a stressful event. Blaine, of course, took those words to heart and as soon as Kurt was back home, he made sure his hubby was well taken care of and did so until the next month rolled by and Kurt finally went into labor.
This time it wasn't in the fucking elevator.
::::::::::
"So what should we name her?"
Blaine made a thoughtful face, peering over Kurt's shoulder at their newborn daughter while Kurt fed the baby her very first bottle. She was the most perfect thing in the world, gorgeous and cute with her brown hair and apple round cheeks. To him, she looked like she could be a ton of different names, but as he stared at her a little longer, he smirked, brushing his fingers through Kurt's thick hair.
"What about Elle?"
"Elle as in elevator? Blaine! Honestly!"
"It was a joke!"
"If I wasn't still numb from surgery, I'd kick your ass. I swear you are such an idiot."
"Ahh, but you love me and you probably love that name too. Don't deny it. I saw the way your nose crinkled when I said it. You think it's cute."
"Giving her such a name would be blasphemy. She would hate us!"
"Your mom named you Kurt after she watched The Sound of Music over and over again. What's wrong with naming our baby Elle?"
"Because we thought she was going to be born in an elevator!"
"But she wasn't."
"Yeah, so?" Kurt adjusted the infant in his arms, cooing as she scrunched her nose and then closed her eyes, still suckling on her bottle. As much as he hated to admit it, she totally looked like an Elle. And now he couldn't get the idea out of his head. Scowling, he glared up at his husband. "I hate you."
"I know. I love you too." Grinning, Blaine kissed the side of Kurt's head and then kissed the baby's too, smirking as he leaned back up. "By the way, this is so not cliche."
"It is too and it's all your fault. You're going to the be one who explains to her why her name is what it is when she's older. I'll tell her that it was your idea and you'll have to live with your guilt."
"Eh, so be it. She'll love it as much as we do. Won't you-" He winked at Kurt, "-Elle?"
A/N: I've never been stuck in an elevator before so I don't know if I wrote this correctly or not. The closest I've ever been to getting stuck in one was during my freshman year of college when our dorms' elevator doors didn't shut right and it would take you up to your floor while you could see through the cracks. Sometimes it would pause like it was thinking about finishing up closing the door but then it would let you go. It was pretty freaking creepy. Anyway I hope you liked it.