It's been 5 million years and I'm sorry. Honestly. I just got busy with other stories and other stuff and then this just ended up being on the back burner for a while. But I can honestly say, I've missed them :)
The sound of soft cackling fills the sun-lit room. They both stir slightly, sighing loudly; currently hating the baby monitor. "What time is it?" she mumbles sleepily, her mouth moving against his bare skin; the warm breath tickling his chest.
"Six." He kisses the top of her head, and runs his finger along the arm that is resting on his chest, "Sleep, I'll get her."
"No." She says as he tries to move, tightening her arm around him, throwing her leg lazily over his hip. "Don't move." And she kisses his chest, her lips lingering lazily. "You're a perfect pillow."
"Livvy…" He says, his voice hitched, her hand rubbing his crotch is distracting him. "If I don't get her now, she'll start crying and then she'll be fussy all morning."
She just lets out a dissatisfied sigh, loosening her arm, but making no attempt to move her head from his chest, or her hand from his boxers. He kisses her temple, then lifts her head gently, trying to seamlessly slip out of bed. She scrunches up her nose, and furrows her eyebrows, as she digs her head into a pillow. She worked on Zo's dress until quite late; she didn't come to bed until three, so now she's sleepy and exhausted; and it's making her crabby. She tosses and turns trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in; but the sad truth is – she can't sleep without him.
"This is why we're not having any more babies." And with that she's turning to the other side, burying her face in the mattress, wrapping her limbs around the soft blanket. He just stands there, stunned; his sweatshirt hanging around his neck; the right arm resting in the sleeve, the left one at the side of his body, completely forgotten. Another soft chuckle buzzing through the baby monitor breaks him out and he finishes dressing up as he heads down.
She's sitting in her crib, holding a teddy bear between her small legs, and tugging furiously at its head with her small hands. Every time it springs back she laughs, then as if startled by the sound of her own voice she stops, eyes the room suspiciously and then carries on. He stands in the doorway for a moment, just watching her, smiling, completely enchanted. She looks so much like Liv – the almond-shaped eyes and the full lips, the cerulean blue the only feature unmistakably his. She spots him and grins, opening her arms up, as she lets out an excited, "Da!" And it melts his heart. He picks her up and she slaps his cheeks with her hands lightly, chuckling every time he grins.
He kisses her forehead, "You hungry?" He looks down at the small face, and she just nods her head. She gives up on trying to wrap her short arms around his neck, and holds on to his shirt instead. He talks to her as they walk down the stairs – asking her about her morning, telling her about his day. She just stares at him, clearly amused, participating, in her own language of soft chuckles between the excited yelling of vowels. He puts her in her high chair and throws her morning veggies in the blender. She starts banging her utensils on the plastic, laughing, enjoying the racket; getting lost in it. She laughs until she's out of breath and coughing for air, and he internally chastises himself for letting it get that out of hand; but he just couldn't stop looking at her, smiling at her grinning face.
"You're spoiling her." Zoey says as she comes down the stairs, rubbing her eyes, trying desperately not to smile.
"I am not!" He pretends to be offended, but the mischievous glimmer in his eyes betrays him.
"Are too." And she just hugs him, propping herself on her toes to kiss his cheek. "Morning."
He pours the contents of the blender into a silicone bowl, and drops it in front of the shirtless toddler. Zoey kisses her cheek, and tries to pull away, but two surprisingly strong hands are holding on to the Harvard t-shirt she got from Karen. "Zo – stah!"
"Zo has to eat too." Fitz says as he pours the cereal into the bowl, gliding it across the counter, towards the girls. Instead of letting go of the shirt, she moves just one of her hands and pushes the small bowl of disgusting-looking gooey matter towards Zoey, smiling widely. Zo turns around and grins at him; kissing the toddler's head again; this time lingering and pursing her lips so that they make a smacking sound that Nur absolutely loves. She pushes the bowl back towards her, touched by the gesture, but insufficiently so to actually eat it. She grabs her cereal form the counter – the whole time barely moving, Nur's hand still clutching the fabric tightly. She sits down on a stool, facing the toddler.
"So I'm going to my first homecoming dance today." And Nur just looks at her, tilting her head, as if trying to fully understand, biting her lip with her two lone teeth. "Yeah, I know. I'm excited too." And the toddler just chuckles, before slamming her hands onto the plastic then scooping up the contents of her bowl and smearing them all over her face. As it drops on her chubby tummy she tries to catch it with her hands, laughing. She licks her hands, then makes a content face, before trying to get some of the food that's dripping over the rest of her body. She reaches for Zo's cereal bowl, but then stops short of touching it, pulling her hand back, grinning mischievously; teasing mercilessly. Zoey just gives her a look, the only one that can make her stop in her tracks
"Morning." His grin drops at the sound of her voice, suddenly remembering her comment from earlier in the morning. She kisses the tops of girls' heads, then walks over to him, snuggling into his body. She feels him stiffen at her touch, looking away as soon as she looks up at him. "Everything OK?" He just nods his head, and steps out of her embrace, handing her a cup of coffee and going over to Nur and Zoey. The girl feels the tension building, and finishes her cereal quickly, running upstairs, while the toddler is distracted with her own sticky hands.
"Fitz-"
But he cuts her off before she can say anything. "I have to give her a bath, we have a play-date at the playground."
She just nods and sits down to read the papers. She knows that if she pushes it right now, they'll fight and she doesn't even know what about. She needs to let him calm down, process and then they can discuss it – like adults, mature and civilized. He wipes the food off of Nur's body and she laughs – she likes the tickling.
"Gerry's coming."
She knows. Of course she knows. She's not a forgetful moron. But she tries to control her temper, and just nods her head, "I'll be here when he does, anyway. I'm taking the afternoon off to help Zo get ready."
He knows. Of course the knows that. He's not a forgetful moron. He snaps at her, hissing out an icy, "I know," before he picks up the toddler and marches off upstairs. She drops the papers on the counter, and her head on top of them; theatrically exhaling – for herself, since no one else is there. But there's absolutely no solace in the moment. He avoids her the rest of the morning, spending it, conveniently, in the nursery, and by the time she goes to work she's a whole new level of annoyed and angry. He's acting like a child, and she has no idea why.
"Zo, come out." The bathroom door swings open and a young lady walks out. "You look amazing, Zoey!"
"Really?" She asks genuinely, blushing. She feels pretty, she does; but she's not used to looking so, so grown-up. The dress is strapless, mid-thigh length; a tulip-skirt attached to the fitted bodice. It's raw silk, in pale mint. Her hair is in soft waves; her lips a blush pink, her face, naturally fresh-looking.
"Really. You look stunning!" She pulls her into a hug, wrapping her arms around her tightly.
"Mom!" She complains after a while, but Liv only tightens the hug, making the girl laugh. "Mom, if you suffocate me, all the work on the dress will have been for nothing." And with that she brings her hands to the girl's face, cupping her cheeks, as she kisses her forehead. As she tries to wipe the trace of lipstick off of the girl's skin, she finally manages to get away, giggling and shaking her head, as she utters, "I'm not a baby!"
"That's not how I see it!" A baritone, strikingly similar to his father's.
"Gerry!" And she throws her arms around his neck. He lifts her up, suddenly strong enough; overnight a man, no longer a boy. He puts her down, then turns to Liv, smiling.
She pulls him in, the same bear-hug that Zo got, "C'm here." She rests her head on his, now, broad chest, as she wraps her arms around his wide back, "God, kiddo, you make me feel so old."
And he just chuckles, kissing her temple, "Well, to me, you always look the same."
A knock on the door, "Can I come in?"
She turns around in time to see his eyes. To see his face the moment he sees Zoey – they get teary and he blinks furiously, trying to play it cool, mumbling, "Damn it. Something in my eye."
"Yeah, right!" Gerry chimes, making them all laugh.
Zoey just looks at him, smiling, shifting in her place somewhat awkwardly. "So you like it?"
"You look stunning!" He kisses the top of her head, then pulls a small velvet box out of his pocket. "Your mom and I got you this." Her eyes go wide in excitement, three times their natural side, as she traces the opening with her finger then lifts the top. A thin platinum necklace shimmers in the soft light, a pointe shoe pendant hanging from it. She smiles, as she lays it out on her palm.
"We know it's been a tough year, and we know you miss it, and this way, you'll always have a piece of it with you."
"Thank you!" She hugs him tightly, nuzzling into his chest, then runs to Liv, giving her a sloppy kiss; finally she asks Gerry to clasp it; tracing the chain around her neck with her fingertips, smiling. "It's amazing!"
A soft cry coming from the baby monitor lets them know that Nur is done with her nap. Gerry offers to get her, but Fitz insists he can do it, and heads out before anyone can say anything else. Liv just glances between the two teenagers, "I'll let you two catch up, before Ben comes to pick Zo up." And with that she's leaving them, heading to the nursery – emotions mixing, boiling, a whirlwind.
"That was a lovely gesture." She says from the doorway, arms folded across her chest.
"Yeah." He says without looking up. He is frustrating. He is infuriating. First he ignores her the whole day; but then he goes ahead acting like a fairy-tale character, surprising Zo with that necklace, all on his own; and now he's sitting there with the most adorable baby, their baby, on his chest – rocking back and forth, making her heart melt, and her anger dissipate. But then, he's back to monosyllabic answers and the juvenile attitude. She wants to hug him, and kiss him, and yell at him – all at the same time; all at once.
"You've been fussing over her all day?" She means it as a question; as a – why are you avoiding me; as a plea – talk to me; as an apology – I'm sorry for whatever it is I did. She's sick of fighting.
"Well I figured I'd make the most of it, since you've decided this the last baby we're having."
"What?" And then suddenly, it comes back, rushing – the sleepiness, and the crankiness; the thing she said. "Fitz-" But a doorbell interrupts them; Gerry yelling from downstairs, "Ben's here."
He gets up, putting the asleep-again Nur, back in her crib, "We should go meet him." He tries to put his stern face on as he stands at the top of the stairs.
"You must be Ben." And the boy nods his head, meeting Fitz halfway for a handshake. "So what's the plan?" The teenager forces himself to look into his eyes, blinking furiously a few times.
"We're going to Holly's now. Everyone's meeting up there. My sister's dropping us off. And then the dance, and we'll be back by 10." He says it all in one breath.
"Very well." He pats his shoulder. "No funny business!" And the boy looks absolutely terrified, "unless of course you're good at telling jokes."
"Which, my dad isn't." Zo says from the stairs, Liv standing behind her, trying to look friendly, aware that the boy is probably scared out of his mind as it is.
"Zoey, you look amazing." He says, his eyes almost as wide as his smile. And she blushes, looking at the floor quickly, but then lifts her head and gives him one of her signature smiles – the ones that melt hearts. She comes down the stairs, pausing on the last step, unsure of what to do. He comes closer, taking her hand, and kissing her cheek, "Shall we?"
And she hops off of the step cheerfully, following him to the door.
"Wait! A photo." And they both blush, looking at each other, then giggling when their eyes meet. He wraps his arm around her, careful to keep his hand visible, resting on her arm – under the piercing gaze of Ftiz' eyes. Liv ushers them out and then makes them pose a few more times, before Zo finally has enough and waves her goodbye, practically running to the car.
"I can't believe you made the same joke you made with, what-was-his-name?"
"Oh, the guy with the hair!" Referring naturally to Karen's first boyfriend.
"Yeah, dad. It was an awful joke then as well." And he pats his shoulder, grinning; as he follows him into the kitchen.
"You want a beer?" And he just stares at him, trying to read his expression, but failing miserably. "Oh, come on Ger. You're sixteen. I know you're drinking, and it's pointless to tell you shouldn't be; I just want you to do it responsibly. And there isn't a more responsible way to drink than with your old man, sitting in the garden, talking about the good-ol'-days."
"Well, if you'll be talking like that, they yeah – I'd like a beer." He says grinning, as he reaches over the counter to grab the open bottle from his hand, before going into the garden.
They settle down into the heavy wooden chairs, leaning back, beers in hands. "Have you spoken to Karen lately?" The boy takes a sip, nodding. "How is she doing?" He pauses for a moment, closing his eyes, "I can't tell." He sounds broken, defeated; exhausted. "I… She sounds fine, but then I don't know if it's a front. I don't know if she's just trying to be strong, or if she's genuinely doing better. And I don't want to hover, I don't, but I just-"
"She's OK dad."
"Yeah?" It's not a question, it's a plea; he's willing it to be real.
"Yeah. She still can't drive, and she still has the nightmares sometimes. But she talks to Zo every day, and that, that helps. And Liv calls her regularly, and she calls her whenever she has a bad dream, and Liv talks her back to sleep."
Relief. He feels relief. But also, just for an instant, a painful instant of utter humanity, he feels jealousy. Gratitude. But then there's also a sting of jealousy. And the boy can tell, he can tell he struck a chord. He's noticed it before, that something was off.
"Is everything OK, with you and Liv, I mean?"
He looks at him, and smiles wistfully. "Yeah. I just… I just wish I could be there for her. I just wish, I wish she trusted me." And as soon as he says it, his eyes shoot up, panicking; he thought it – he thought it many times indeed, but he never intended to say it, let alone to his sixteen year-old.
He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how to make him feel better. How to make him understand that she's not intentionally pushing him away, that she just needs time to process things, before she can let him in. He can see it – he can see her pushing and him pushing, and them clashing; he could see it ever since Zo told him, years ago. It's how they are, it's how they function. They see it; from outside, they can see the patterns; they can see the reason behind it, the logic – they can see their love for all it is, not just the overwhelmingly good, the all-consuming, or the devastating aspects of it. But the two of them, they, they don't see it like that. They just see little specs; overwhelming in intensity. Either they're so very happy; or they're drowning – trying to hold on to each other as waves crash over them. They don't do normal; they do extraordinary; but the thing is, extraordinary is so often overwhelming, so often too heavy a burden to bear; so often a cross to big to carry. They're extraordinary people, with extraordinary feelings – and for the rest of their lives they will be flying, soaring, then crashing and, again, rising from the ashes. But they can't see that, and even if they could; they'd still be the same. So he has nothing to say. Nothing, aside from, "I'm seeing someone."
His father smiles, taking a gulp from the bottle, playing with the liquid in his mouth. Finally he looks at him, still smiling, "Who is he?"
And he freezes. This isn't how he imagined it; what he prepared for. He was ready to explain, ready to answer questions. He was ready to justify himself, his feelings, and the way he is. But, the way his dad is smiling – he isn't looking for justifications or explanations; he isn't looking for any of it; he knows and he accepts it, accepts him. He knows and it's OK. Suddenly his lungs feel light, like a burden had been lifted from them; an impossible burden, too heavy; a burden that was breaking him. And before he realizes tears are rolling down his cheeks, falling freely, and he's sobbing. And a pair of strong arms are pulling him in, drawing soothing circles on his back, whispering, "It's OK. Ger, It's OK."
He finally calms down, wiping his face with his sleeve, smiling, sheepishly past the tear-stained cheeks. "How did you know?"
"I just always knew. But I figured you'd tell me when you were ready." And he messes his hair up, playing with the unruly curls. "So, tell me about the guy."
"He's a senior. He's on the football team. He's pretty funny. And he's pretty good looking."
"And you really like him?"
He smiles, his eyes suddenly distant, as if trying to catch a fragment of a happy memory, a vignette of a past reality. "Yeah, I really like him!"
"And you're being safe?"
"Dad!"
"No, we are talking about this! I talked to Karen and Liv and I spoke to Zo, and now I need to tell you the same thing. Guys, guys can be assholes. And you need to be smart about this and protect yourself, because Ger, no one else will. OK? Contraception, isn't just about birth control, it's STDs as well and I need you to think about that. Guys will lie about things, so I really, really need you to be smart about this. Just because you can't come home pregnant, doesn't mean you don't need to be careful. Got it?" And he just nods his head, his face a bright red. "Ok, then. Now, really tell me about the guy, because the initial description was so vague that I couldn't even recognize him in a line-up."
They talk for a while. He doesn't understand. It's so easy, so unbelievably easy; so natural. He's been terrified. He felt so wrong for such a long time, but now, now he feels like he's finally coming into his own, like he can finally breathe. He felt fear, and uncertainty, doubt; but now, now all he feels is love and acceptance. They hear the shuffle as Zo comes back, voices and the buzz of excitement. He can tell that he really wants to go in, grill her about it, find out the details of her evening, "It's OK Gerry. You can go in. Catch up with her."
"You sure? I can stay out here with you, keep you company?"
"No, I'll be OK buddy." And he nods, and heads inside. "Ger?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for coming, for Zoey. It meant a lot, to Liv and me."
"No problem."
"And Ger?"
"Yeah?" He says with a soft chuckle, as he pauses again, already at the kitchen door.
"Thanks for telling me."
"I love you dad." And with that he steps inside, leaving him in alone, under the stars, on a warm October night.
"Ger and Zo are having a sleepover." Her voice breaks him out of his thoughts. He smiles weakly, as he reaches for the cup of tea that she's handing him. "I'm sorry about what I said this morning."
"I just wish you had talked to me, told me. I mean Liv, it's our life, you can't just go ahead deciding these things!"
"I didn't decide anything." He just looks at her, clearly frustrated. "I didn't! I said it this morning, because I was sleepy and I was perfectly happy in your arms and you had to get up, because our baby was up. A baby that I love and adore. But sometimes, sometimes, I just miss – us. And that's what happened this morning. It was me, just being exhausted and needy."
"Oh." It's all he says. Oh. Because nothing else quite effectively depicts how silly, how childish he feels, how guilty for getting mad at her, for jumping to conclusions.
"Oh? You thought I'd decide something like that without you and all I get is an – Oh?" She doesn't sound angry, not even a little bit, she just sounds hurt; a crack in her voice that makes him flinch – he hates himself for being the reason for it.
"I'm sorry. I just… you box me out Liv. You shut down and you leave me out, and especially after the miscarriage, you just… you've been talking to everyone, but me." She looks at him, clearly puzzled. "Gerry said you've been talking to Karen. And I love you for it, but I just, I wish you'd talk to me. When you said it, when you said that this morning, I just assumed it was something you decided on your own. I mean you made all the decisions about Zo, until Boston; you decided we're going to California for Thanksgiving, and didn't even talk to me about it; you've booked us on a flight to Paris for Christmas and we never discussed that; you didn't even tell me your mom was sick." She looks up at him instantly, her eyes suddenly full of fear. "Come here?" And he takes her hand and pulls her from her chair to his. She sits on his lap and settles into his arms. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I just… telling you, telling you makes things real. You're the most important person in my life. And when I tell you something, good or bad, that's what makes it real. And I just, I don't want this to be real."
"But it is."
"I know." There's a muffled sob and her body shakes against his. And he just holds her; running his arms along her side soothingly.
"Hey, hey… I will be there. Every step of the way. I will be there, for you and for her."
"OK." She just breathes it out, a bare whisper against his skin, as she nuzzles her forehead into the crook of his neck. He massages the back of her hand with his thumb and her breathing evens, following the slow rhythm. "The other stuff-"
"It doesn't matter."
"It does! I didn't tell you about Thanksgiving because I said it to Karen without thinking. And then I panicked. She was upset and it was late, and she had just had one of her nightmares and she called me and she started freaking out and I tried to distract her by mentioning the Holidays and saying we'll all have them together as a family; which naturally she interpreted as Mellie as well. So then I had to call her and arrange it. Which is why I didn't say anything. It was all just so rushed. And honestly, I didn't want you to change my mind. Karen just needs us to be grown-ups. And Paris, I just wanted some – us time – for Christmas. I should have talked to you about it, but the thing is, when we talk, one of us is always rational, and I just, I didn't want to be rational, so I did it. I booked it. We don't have to do it."
"I want to go to Paris Livvy. I'm sorry, OK? I just felt like you were starting to pull back again and I hate that; I hate feeling helpless. I don't need to know everything. I'm sorry. I just need to know the important things. The big things. The stuff with your mom, I just want to know, because I want to help you, make it better."
"I don't think we can make this better."
"No." They let it hang in the air, wash over them – the inevitability of death.
"I do want another baby though." She says, as she kisses his jaw.
"You do?"
"Yeah. Not yet. Not right now. But I do. Come on, Nur is just too cute. To stop now would be a crime."
"That is true." And they let it hang in the air, the prospect of a new life washing over them.
I honestly hope that that was worth the wait and that it didn't disappoint. Thanks for all your reviews, I genuinely love reading them - you guys have pretty amazing insight into these characters.