The Joys of Parenthood
Disclaimer: I'm not RIB, so I don't own Glee or any of the characters. If I did, I'd be rich and probably not writing fanfiction! This fic is an MPREG fic, so I'll be using my go-to MPREG explanation like I did inWhen We're Older aka the Reddin gene. The gene is based on the Reddin character from the 1994 movie Junior. You should really watch it if you like mpreg. It's a good movie, I promise (I also don't have any rights to it either!) I also don't really own anything mentioned in this except for the crazy storyline so... I OWN NOTHING. Not even the stores I mention.
[Prompt: Kurt and Blaine go Black Friday shopping. Kurt has a plan to make sure they get exact what they need.]
"Okay. You remember the plan?"
"Yes, honey. I remember the whole thing. I still can't believe we're doing this though. What kind of people are we?"
"The kind of people who want to get really nice things for really low prices. Now come on, they're about to open the doors."
Sliding his hand into Blaine's, Kurt tugged his husband a little closer to the crowd of impatient shoppers huddled around the locked up doors of Elder Beerman. There were hundreds of people there - young people, old people, and so on. Some were on crutches (which Blaine thought was insane), others were standing in the crowd with their kids (which Blaine thought was double insane.) It was still dark outside, the sun not about to appear for a few more hours, and the knowledge that he was up and getting ready to shop at that ungodly hour was something that still boggled Blaine's mind.
Kurt was used to it though, having become a Black Friday professional years and years ago.
Smiling, Kurt squeezed Blaine's fingers, leaning in close to give him a peck on the cheek as they both watched a few nervous looking workers come walking towards the see-through glass doors. The crowd immediately started pushing forward, Blaine moving closer to Kurt to make sure he was well protected as they too made their way towards the doors. Within seconds, everything became hectic as group upon group of people bumrushed the now opened doors, almost knocking one of the employees down in their haste. Blaine held onto Kurt, his worried glance on a poor girl who had fallen to the ground a few feet away from him. Others rushed past her and all he wanted to do was turn around and help, but then she scrambled to her feet and practically threw herself past him, nudging Kurt in the process.
"Oh, that bitch! If she thinks she's getting to the bedding before me, she's a fool!" Kurt hissed. He kept muttering to himself as he dragged Blaine through the store and before Blaine knew it, his husband shoved him towards the men's clothing, rushing off on his own towards his main goal: home decor.
Blaine's job was to find a few shirts, a coat, and some pants that the store had priced insanely low. Kurt was going for stuff for their house and once Blaine got his things, he was supposed to come help Kurt. So, with eyes like a hawk, he searched for the items Kurt wanted, gathered them up (along with a few things for himself), and then he ran like the wind towards the home section, unsurprised to see Kurt waiting for him. As soon as they locked eyes, Kurt went for it... and their plan went into effect.
"Oooh-"
The group of shoppers nearby barely heard him over the commotion of everyone talking, so Kurt went for the second part of his plan, moving further into the crowd until he was bumped by another shopper.
"Oooh, oh oww!" Whimpering, he hunched forward, one hand on his belly while the other clutched at a rolling bin full of decorative pillows. "Oh my god."
"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry! I didn't even see you!" Some random woman gasped, turning on her heel to check on Kurt as he hammed it up, whining under his breath as the crowd of people shopping around him suddenly stopped what they were doing and looked over at the pregnant man that was crouched down in the middle of the store.
"Sir, are you hurt? Are you in labor? How far along are you?"
Kurt squeezed his eyes shut, ducking his head for a second. "I'm 37 weeks. I'm not due until- oh!" His fingers tightened on his stomach and Blaine, who was standing just a few feet away, felt his heart leap into his throat. Honestly, he knew that this was all part of Kurt's plan, but just seeing his husband in any sort of pain made his stomach churn something awful. Hands shaking, he slipped behind the growing crowd of worried people and began picking up whatever Kurt had on his list - stuff for their bedroom, stuff for the living room... hell, Kurt even wanted a set of dishware that Blaine thought was the ugliest damn thing he'd ever seen. However, no matter how much of an eyesore Blaine found those things to be, he would buy them no matter what. Because his husband deserved them.
Kurt deserved a lot more than that and at that moment, Blaine thought he deserved a damn Oscar for how realistic his portrayal of a laboring man was. It felt a little too realistic, but Blaine knew that the plan was for Kurt to knock this out of the park so that he'd get the things he wanted. So, even though his mind was screaming at him to go back to his husband, Blaine kept shopping, piling stuff in his arms until he had everything he wanted.
Moving back towards the crowd, he winked at Kurt to let him know he had everything and then he went and hid in one of the emptier areas with his things. A few sections away, he could hear Kurt apologizing to the group of shoppers, telling them that it must have been a Braxton Hicks contraction, and then his husband materialized before him, grinning to high heavens as he high-fived Blaine. "Did you get everything?"
"Yeah. I think so." Blaine gestured to the piles of stuff sitting around him. Sweat beaded off his brow from how fast he rushed around to get their things and his lungs felt heavy from the physicality of it all, but when he took in Kurt's bright smile, it definitely felt worth it. "You ready to go?"
"Yep. Just let me check everything and then we can go check out. Don't wanna forget anything." Hand cradling his belly, Kurt moved around the pyramid of clothing, bedding, and the like to double check their bounty and then he nodded, leaning down as best he could to swipe a kiss from his husband. "You did such a good job, sweetie. I'm so proud of you."
"You should be. Black Friday shopping is horrible."
"I'm so glad you came though. You could've stayed at him with dad and Carole, but you came here with me. That means a lot!"
"Like I'd let you go anywhere on your own when you're this pregnant." Brushing his fingers over Kurt's plump belly, he pressed his lips against the bump and then pushed himself off the floor, making to grab the heavier things while Kurt picked up the clothing. Together, they snuck past the group of people they fooled earlier and then went on their way to the registers, quietly snickering to themselves over the heist they just pulled.
Once they paid for everything, the men slipped out of the store and walked down the mall hand in hand, linked palms swinging between them as they passed flustered shoppers and annoyed security guards alike. Still pleased from the happy smile that painted Kurt's face, Blaine brought his hubby's hand to his lips to kiss Kurt's knuckles, saying softly, "I've gotta say, even though I initially felt terrible about what we were going to do, it really was worth it getting all this stuff for so cheap."
"I know, right?! That's what I was trying to tell you earlier! We made out like bandits!"
"Bandits who tricked other bandits into not paying attention while we grabbed up all the goods."
Kurt chuckled, shooting an amused look to his husband. "True true. I came up with a good plan, didn't I?"
"You did. You'll just have to be pregnant every Black Friday so we can get special deals on things."
"We'd have to go to different malls because I'm sure they'd recognize us if we kept coming here."
"Okay. Sounds like a plan."
Stepping out into the frigid morning air, Blaine held tightly onto Kurt as he led them to the car. Snow and ice covered the ground, but they were careful, getting to their vehicle easily before Blaine put all of their purchases in the trunk. Kurt went ahead and got into the passenger seat, stretching out his tired legs while he waited for Blaine and then his husband returned, hopping into the driver's side while he rubbed his frozen hands together. "So now what?"
"Well," Kurt whispered, slyly looking over at Blaine with a mischievous look on his face, "Macy's has some nice sweaters on sale." Beside him, Blaine rolled his eyes, but started up the car nonetheless, reaching across the center console to take one of Kurt's hands into his own.
"Macy's it is. I hope they're ready for us."
"They think they are, but they aren't," Kurt mused. Rubbing his belly, he smiled at his husband and geared himself up for his next hoax. If he was lucky, they'd get to do this at several stores, but Blaine didn't know that yet. Laughing to himself, he flicked on the radio, letting the sounds of Christmas music fill the car as Blaine drove them to another mall. "Let's go scare the crap out of some shoppers! On to the next one, husband! There's more things to be bought!"
A/N: If you don't know what Black Friday is, it's the day after Thanksgiving (in North America) where tons of shops mark down various items, people go out at crazy hours to stand in line for god knows how long, and then they fight each other over sales. I, myself, have never been Black Friday shopping... or at least at the early sales, but this idea came to me as I was thinking about what I would do if I ever went BF shopping. If I were pregnant, I'd probably pull this exact stunt - because I'm a jerk like that. Anyway, I hope you liked it. If you read my other fics, TSB should be updated next. Hopefully. Please review.