The Joys of Parenthood
Disclaimer: I'm not RIB, so I don't own Glee or any of the characters. If I did, I'd be rich and probably not writing fanfiction! This chapter has nothing to do with MPREG, but it does concern Daddy!Klaine so yay! Anyway, I own nothing.
A/N: Slight language warning in this chapter. Basically Kurt has a potty mouth and it gets him in trouble!
"Kurt?"
"Hmm?"
The bed dipped as Blaine climbed on, rolling his body and immediately snuggling up to his husband for warmth, his arms curling around Kurt's back as he nestled his face into Kurt's bare skin. "I'm sorry," he whispered, pressing a kiss to the area where Kurt's beating heart lay beneath flesh and bone. His still damp eyelashes tickled Kurt's shoulder as he blinked back more tears and hugged his best friend a little closer. "I didn't mean to upset you with what I said. I just-"
"It's okay."
"No, it's really not-"
"No, Blaine, it's fine. Honestly. I had some time to think and-" Kurt paused, taking a moment to allow his fingernails to trace a line up Blaine's back, scratching an invisible path along his spine, "-you're right. I don't want to be the kind of parents with kids who curse 24/7. It's cute the first few times, but it gets kind of insufferable after a while. I mean, we've met some of Puck's cousins and they're horrible."
Nodding, Blaine shut his eyes, slipping away to the soothing feeling of Kurt's hands on him. As relaxing as it was, he couldn't ignore his racing thoughts however. "I never meant that you'd be a bad father just because you curse more than me. It wasn't my intention to make you feel that way." Flashbacks of the argument hours before sped through his mind, reminding him of the words he said and the vicious barbs Kurt threw back. It was a ridiculous fight, one that never should have happened, but after the stresses of filling out thank you cards from their baby shower, decorating the nursery, and handling their jobs? It was inevitable.
"I didn't mean it when I said you were a petulant child. You're only looking out for our baby and you are right."
"No, you're right."
"We're just gonna have to agree to disagree because I'm not about to get into another fight with you, honey." Kurt chuckled. He tugged his arm out from under Blaine and rolled onto his side to match his husband's position, taking Blaine's hands into his own as he gazed at the love of his life through the moondusted shadows. "I'll tone down on my cursing around the baby."
"You don't have-"
"No, it's for the best. Like I said, you remember Noah's cousins? They were awful, just completely rude little... well, shits."
With a snort, Blaine laughed, leaning in to press a kiss to Kurt's lips, smiling as his hubby deepened the liplock and rolled over top of him, effectively ending the rest of their conversation... for now.
::::::::::
"Alright! I've got a meeting at four, so I may be a little bit late for dinner and then I've gotta rush out because I'm going live on QVC so-" Before Kurt could finish the rest of his sentence, he tripped over his own pair of boots, stumbling forward with his cup of coffee. In slow motion, the hot drink sloshed over the side of the cup and splashed onto his pant legs, a hiss slipping from his lips as a spark of pain rushed up from his thigh to his brain. "Oh fuck!"
The babysitter's eyes widened, her lips pulling into a smirk for a flash before she slipped back into worry mode and ran to Kurt's aid. "Oh my, are you okay? You didn't burn yourself too badly, did you?" She took the cup from Kurt's trembling hand and placed it on the counter, kneeling down to survey the damage while her boss pulled at his spotted pants with a scowl that could annihilate cities.
"I can't believe I spilled coffee on my new Giordano trousers! I just got these! God damnit!" Cursing up a storm, the man turned on his heel, completely ignoring the sitter as he limped down the hall to change once again. As he disappeared around the corner, the blushing teen giggled to herself over the differences between her employers, her memory serving her well as she thought about a time when Blaine, her other boss, accidentally dropped his sheet music as he was going out the door. Instead of slipping into expletives, the man grumbled out, Oh fudge! and then went to pick up his music.
His husband, on the other hand, was more vocal when anything happened to him that might set him back a few minutes, as evidenced by the stream of curses she could still hear traveling down the hall from the partially closed bedroom door.
Behind her, Kurt and Blaine's daughter, Hepburn, babbled and cooed away in her pack-and-play, wide blue eyes staring down the hall after her father while she chewed on her blankie. She stayed like that while the sitter cleaned up any remaining spilled coffee and after Kurt came jogging down the hall in a completely new outfit, Hepburn got another kiss on the forehead, the babysitter got another run through of Kurt's itinerary, and then he was gone, more of his foul mouthed ranting trailing behind him as he cursed the slow elevator and everything that had to with coffee in general.
::::::::::
"Are you fucking kidding me right now?"
"Kurt!"
"What?"
"Can you tone down the f-bombs please? The baby's watching you!"
Rolling his eyes, Kurt turned around, gaze falling onto his husband and daughter as they sat at the kitchen table together. Blaine was busy working on some more music for a show while Hepburn noshed on some Cheerios that they spilled onto her highchair tray. Like Blaine mentioned, their wide-eyed, messy haired daughter was watching him, her sights on Kurt alone as she sucked on a soggy piece of cereal that dangled from her small fingers. Frowning, Kurt walked over to her and knelt down to her level, kissing her unruly curls before he locked eyes with her.
In a condescending voice, one that was mostly directed at Blaine, he said, "Hep, baby, do not repeat anything your dad says, okay? Especially that f-word I just said. It's very bad and we don't want to offend daddy."
"Oh my god, Kurt. She doesn't know what the letter F even is. I just don't want her to pick up that word, that's all. It's the worst out of the bunch."
"Okay? So you want her to say fickle instead like all the other kindergartners... and you?"
At the cheeky suggestion, Blaine rolled his eyes, giving his husband an exasperated look before he turned back to his notebook. "Quit making fun of me. You don't know what it's like to try to break a child of saying naughty words. Some kids are easy to stop, but others are harder-"
"Like you."
"Yes, like me. I just- I don't want her to do what I did."
"You were a baby, Blaine. A baby. You learned not to say bad words after a while."
"Yeah, but it was so embarrassing."
"Yeah okay. Because you remember how embarrassing it was to be a toddler."
Blaine grumbled. "Whatever. I'm not discussing this anymore. Just... tone down the f-bombs okay? That's all I ask." When he started scrawling on the paper again, Kurt came up behind him and wrapped his arms around Blaine's shoulders, kissing Blaine's hair before he pulled back.
"I'll try my ficklin' best."
If their impressionable little Hepburn wasn't watching the two of them so closely, Blaine would've given Kurt the finger right then and there.
::::::::::
"Watch your brother while I go change my clothes," Pam Anderson yelled over her shoulder, barely giving Cooper any time to protest before she ran out of the room and up the stairs to the master bedroom. Cooper groaned, rolling his eyes as he slouched in his chair and poked at the coagulating egg yolk that stained his plate. Across from him, his baby brother Blaine was mumbling away to himself, his tiny fingers coated with rice cereal as he dragged handful after handful of the mushy goop from his bowl to shove in his open mouth. Every bite he took was like something new to the little guy, like each taste, smell, and texture was different... even though it was the same damn thing each time.
It was interesting to say the least. That was something Cooper found cool about his little bro. Blaine was fascinated by everything. Recently, he realized that he had lots of hair and he was always pulling at his curls, cooing and babbling while he studied the long ringlets in his fingers. Occasionally he said words and he was getting close to saying Mama according to Pam, but most of the time, he spoke utter nonsense or he sang to himself in gibberish that Cooper couldn't understand.
Today though, he was thoroughly interested in his cereal. Their mother had made up the meal for him and then cooed at Blaine about what he was eating. "Mmm yum yum! You love your cereal, Blaine? Is it yummy? Can you say mmmm?" Blaine mimicked her, making the mmmm sound with his mouth while he smiled a messy grin at her and Pam laughed, wiping her son's cheek before she went back to trying to get him to talk.
It was like he was a parrot or something. He was always learning, even repeating some of the sounds and words his parents said, especially after they repeated them over and over and over again. Cooper thought it was hilarious how his brother could pick up things so easily, and, like that morning, he wondered if he himself could teach his little brother some new tricks... and then it came to him, like a lightbulb flashing above his head.
Curse words!
He could teach his brother a curse word and surprise the hell out of his parents. He and his friends cussed all the time (as long as there weren't any adults around) and it was badass; so how funny would it be to teach his baby brother how to cuss?! His parents would probably die from shock and Cooper would get a good laugh out of it, so it had to be worth it. And as Coop weighed the pros and cons of teaching Blaine a bad word, he realized that no matter what, it'd be funny as hell.
And everyone deserved a good laugh, right?
Pulling up a chair in front of his brother's highchair, he smiled at the baby, grinning wider when Blaine smiled back.
"Coo!"
"Yeah! Coop! Hey Blainers! You wanna learn a new word?"
The younger Anderson clapped his small hands, splattering some of the baby cereal all over the place. "Ya!"
"Okay, awesome!" Twisting his body around to check and make sure the coast was still clear, Cooper waited to see if his mom was on her way back, but when he heard the creak of the floorboards upstairs, he knew he had time. "Alright Blaine, can you say this word? Can you say: shit?"
"Sit!"
"Close, but no. Shit. Shit."
"Sit!"
"No Blaine. Say: shit! Not sit! Shit!"
"Sit!"
"Oh my god. This is gonna take forever."
Before he had a chance to say another word, Pam came sweeping back into the room, taking one look at Blaine before she sighed and went to unlock his highchair. "Sorry about that, baby. Mommy had to use the potty." She frowned at her cereal covered son, shaking her head when she noticed that he'd streaked his ebony curls with the goopy mixture. "Oh Blaine, you made a mess."
"Coo!"
"Yeah, Cooper let you make a mess. I know. C'mon. Let's go give you a bath. Cooper, you need to finish your breakfast and then go mow the lawn. I'm gonna get your brother ready and head to the store to get a few things for dinner. That yard better be done by the time I get back. You've been diddly-daddling all week and it needs to be done, especially if you think you're going to that sleepover this weekend."
"But mom!"
"No buts. Mow the lawn. I'll be checking it out as soon as we get home."
Except she didn't. Because the moment she got home, Cooper's ass was grass, more so than the yard. Especially when Pam later explained to her husband what Blaine did at the grocery store. Because imagine her surprise when she was approached by one of her friends from the Country Club and they asked Blaine, "And what are we planning to do today, Blaine?"
To which Blaine responded enthusiastically, his wide hazel eyes alight with wonder, "Me SHIT!"
::::::::::
"Oh fuck everything about this day!"
Kurt's hands were full.
Hepburn was resting on his hip while he had one steadying arm around her, his other hand sliding stuff into his messenger bag while he mentally counted up everything to make sure he had what he needed before he went out the door. Blaine was at rehearsal for his newest show, the babysitter couldn't make it since she was sick with the flu, and Rachel, who sometimes watched Hep for them when they were both busy, was out of town doing a publicity trail. So, that left Kurt with no choice but to watch Hepburn himself.
It wasn't like he minded. She was his daughter for Christ's sake, but he had so much on his plate himself that he didn't know how he was going to juggle watching a toddler while he had to pitch ideas at a business meeting about his upcoming watch line. If all else failed, he was going to do the one thing he and Blaine discussed wasn't going to be something common in their family: he was going to hand Hepburn his iPad and let her go to town playing games while he sat through his meeting. It wasn't like he could let her sit there the whole hour, maybe two, and not have something to do. She got antsy and cranky really fast (in her own diva-like way) so her daddies had to find something that could hold her attention... and like many toddlers around the world - she adored technology. The iPad was her favorite, followed closely by her daddies' phones. But she wasn't get the latter this time; Kurt needed his phone to survive the whole work day, so the iPad it was.
Reaching out, he scooped up the protective carrying case that held his tablet and then twisted around to put it in his bag, fingers deftly sliding the device into the empty space inside. As he went to zip up the pouch, Hepburn made a slight squeal and then she screamed, her small hands reaching out as her sippy cup slipped from her fingers and crashed to the floor. Eyes wide, she stared down at the lost cup and a word that Kurt thought he'd never hear - at least not until she was in her teens - spilled from her lips.
"Oh fuck."
Oh fuck indeed. Horrified, Kurt's eyes practically bugged out of his head as he gazed down at his daughter, his throat tightening in terror as he listened to her repeat what she said, followed by the words, "Na' Sippy!"
Oh fuck, not Sippy.
Still petrified by his daughter's brash language, Kurt panicked, unsure of what to do. In another situation, he probably would've laughed it off, but now all he could think about was Blaine shushing him whenever he cursed around Hep or whenever a less-than-savory word came screaming from his lungs as he came down from a high that Blaine could only send him to. All those moments flashed before his eyes...
"Kurt, she's going to pick up those words and then what? We'll have a potty mouthed child on our hands."
"Honey, you know I love you, but could you scream that word a little softer next time? What if Hep heard you?"
"Quit saying that! Our baby's first word is gonna be the f-bomb and people are going to think we're bad parents." (Her first word was car, actually, and when Burt found out, he cried a little though he'd never fess up to it.)
In the meantime, Hepburn was still whining, squirming in Kurt's arms as she begged for her sippy cup back, the f-word now away from her lips as she deployed grabby hands in an attempt to get Kurt to pick up her cup. However, Kurt was too far gone, lost in his thoughts about the past and how that shaped their daughter. Just moments before, he was cursing under his breath as he packed up his things to head to work... and he dropped the f-bomb. Now his daughter, his child, his flesh and blood, his baby was spouting off one of the worst curse words ever like it was nothing. "Oh my god. I'm a bad parent."
"Cup?"
"Oh Hep. What have I done?"
"Cup peas?"
"Your daddy is going to kill me."
"Oh fuck."
"Oh my god."
::::::::::
Kurt spent all day at work fussing over what to do. He left Hepburn to her own devices (aka let her play on the iPad) while he sat at his desk and thought about what to do in regards to his daughter's new foul mouth. He'd explained to her multiple times (especially after she dropped the f-bomb in the cab) that she couldn't say that word, that it was a bad word that only adults could say and that she was not an adult so she couldn't say it. However, in all her adorable, innocent glory, all Hep could do was blink up at her dad and smile, her little pigtails bouncing as she tilted her head and giggled at Kurt's distressed face.
"You can't say that word anymore, okay honey? It's bad. It's a bad word."
"Kay," the toddler answered, shocking Kurt from his lucid daydreaming. He was just practicing what else he could say to her, but somehow she heard him and when he spotted her grinning at him, he smiled back, hoping that maybe she really did understand his dilemma.
(She didn't.)
::::::::::
Dinnertime came up on them fast. One second, Kurt was at work, frazzled to all hell, and the next, he was standing in the kitchen, stirring a pot of fettucine into a roasted red pepper alfredo cream sauce. A pan of shrimp sizzled in a skillet, waiting to be flipped, and there was a bowl of freshly tossed salad already sitting on the table. Blaine entered the kitchen with Hepburn, freshly awake from her nap, her small hands rubbing at her tired eyes as she yawned and whined over having been woken up.
"I know you're hungry. Stop fidgeting, silly billy," Blaine sang to the baby, popping open her highchair to set her inside. They struggled for a moment, Hepburn really not wanting to get into her chair, but once Blaine gave her a bit of cereal to chew on, they were good. Content that the little one was distracted, Blaine went to help Kurt finish up dinner, flipping the shrimp while Kurt dished out heaping platefuls of fettucine alfredo. "That smells delicious."
"You've always been a fan of alfredo."
"I just love cream sauce."
"Or anything creamy in general."
"Like what do you have in mind?" Wagging his eyebrows, Blaine leaned in closer, in kissing distance from Kurt as his hubby put both plates down on the counter and turned to meet him, ready to let their flirtatious game enter dangerous territory. It was moving super fast until...
"Fuck!"
It was like everything in the entire world stopped at that moment. Kurt froze mid-lean, Blaine's eyes popped open and stayed bugged out like that, and Hepburn grew quiet, her worried gaze on a few pieces of cereal that fell to the floor. Everything in the room was silent, not a breath to be heard. The air was thick with tension (or so it felt that way to Kurt) and Kurt was afraid to even glance up lest he see something furious in his husband's expression.
But then, he heard it: a snort.
Blaine snorted, the noise loud and ridiculous, slipping into a cackling laughter that suddenly had Kurt worried that maybe Blaine was losing it - because he was cracking up! Hepburn didn't pay any attention to her daddy, too flustered about her food now being on the floor while her dads were having a bit of a moment to themselves. Kurt was panicking, Blaine was choking on his giggles, and that was that.
After a few moments, Kurt finally sucked up enough courage to say something, shoving his fears aside as he waited for Blaine to quiet down just a little. When the room got a little quieter and Blaine was mostly busy wiping away the tears that ran down his face, Kurt spoke up, "Blaine, I'm so sorry. I didn't-"
"I- I told you she'd pick up your bad habits. I told you!" Blaine laughed, leaning back against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest as the giggles started up once more. Meanwhile, Kurt frowned at him, shaking his head since he was totally confused by Blaine's reaction. He was expecting anger, not this. Noticing Kurt's silence, Blaine set to explaining himself, tears still in his eyes. "I've been waiting for this day forever. I knew it was going to happen. It was inevitable, but you didn't believe me! And now I'm right! Ha! Ha ha ha!"
"Are you seriously having an I'm right and you're wrong moment?"
"Yep! And it's the best one too because you've been so nonchalant about this for so long and now look at you! You were so scared I was gonna be mad!"
"You were always riding my ass about saying curse words!"
"I'll ride your ass over anything," Blaine whispered, waggling his eyebrows again. Flirtatiously, he pressed in close to his hubby and smiled, kissing the tip of Kurt's upturned nose. "But I'm having too much fun enjoying this moment. Our daughter just said one of your favorite curse words and now I get to hold it over your head if she ever says it again. I mean, you don't see her saying fickle, now do ya?" When Kurt glared at him, he snorted again. "I'm serious. You did this. You turned our daughter into a potty mouth."
"It's just one word!"
"One word that made you almost run off with your tail between your legs!"
"I did not!"
"Did too. You started apologizing as soon as you had the chance. I bet she said this earlier, didn't she? And you probably spent all day freaking out about it too, huh?" He waited for Kurt's nod. "Figures. You're so ridiculous, Kurt. But I love you anyway."
"I love you too, even though you're being an ass."
"Mmm. But you love me and my ass."
"That I do."
Behind them, the squeal of a hungry toddler interrupted their flirting, so Kurt gave Blaine a quick swat on the butt and then went to reheat their food, letting Blaine deal with Hepburn while he dished up more alfredo and topped their plates with shrimp. As he worked, he could hear Blaine explaining to Hep that the word she said was bad, but even as he spoke, his words cracked with mirth as he struggled to keep the smile off his face and the laughter out of his tone.
"Blaine-"
"I'm trying!" Blaine choked out, bursting into a laugh that was heartier and louder than the last. Hepburn stared at him like he grew another head and Kurt mimicked that expression, side-eyeing his husband as he placed their plates down on the table. For a moment, it looked like Blaine was putting himself back together again, but then Hepburn said why fun da (Why funny dad?) and he started cracking up all over again, having to leave the room to regain his composure. While he was gone (and his chuckles still filled the air), Kurt took a seat across from his daughter and took Hepburn's little hands into his own.
"Hey baby."
"Da?"
"One of these days, I'm gonna learn to stop swearing so much around you... and you'll learn not to repeat the stupid things your dad says. But, until then, can you keep the bad words down to a minimum? Especially when your daddy is eating. We don't need him choking on his fettucine. Capiche?"
"Kay!"
(Needless to say, she didn't follow Kurt's advice then either, offering a quiet whisper of oh... fuck when she accidentally lost her grip on her spoon and it went clattering to the ground. That night, Kurt almost had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on Blaine because their daughter caught them in the middle of chewing and Blaine choked on his food because he laughed too damn hard. Weeks later, they finally were able to get Hep to say a different word - fickle - in place of fuck and it was only until her Uncle Coop came to visit about a year later that they had to break her of any other bad habits. This time, it was in the form of the word that still haunted Blaine to this is exactly the word he said when Hepburn pointed at the paparazzi that hounded him and Kurt night and day after their newfound popularity and said that same stupid word that Cooper taught him so long ago. Shit.)
A/N: I dunno about you guys, but I've experienced accidentally cursing in front of a child and having it backfire on me, so I understand Kurt's pain. Have you ever had that happen? If so, tell me about it. I'm always down for funny stories. If not, perhaps leave a review? That'd be cool too! Thanks!