It was Roo's birthday yesterday... and I love her to bits and she used the birthday card to get me to finish this today so yeah, here it is :)
After what seems like 15 years... get it? (yes, that was lame.)
"You left me all alone." He says in a pouty tone, as he rubs his still slumberous eyes. He runs his hand through his hair in a feeble attempt to get the few errand curls off his forehead as he walks into the sun-lit kitchen.
"Only because you looked so adorable asleep." She says playfully eyeing him as she empties the bowl of chopped fruit into the blender.
"Adorable? Really, Liv? Your husband, your man, your very manly man, is sleeping next to you naked, and you think that's adorable? Really?"
"Mhmmmm." She turns the blender on and they are swallowed by loud noise. She tries to focus on the fruit, the way red from the frozen berries seems to be tinting all other colors, until there's a uniform, deep purple; the way shapes are cut, cut down in size, until they're gone, until they become something else entirely. She feels the heat of his skin behind her back. He brushes his hand along her hip, but doesn't linger and she wants to protest, but knows it's a part of the game, of the chase that they both enjoy too much to cut short. He turns the blender off. Silence. Shallow breaths. He lowers his head, until she can feel his warm breath just above her pulse point.
"Adorable, huh?"
His hand lifts up the hem of the T-shirt she's wearing (his), and she shivers as his fingertips come in contact with the soft skin of her abdomen. She places her sweaty palm over it, intertwining their fingers, as she arches her back, and grinds against him, his hardness pressing into her heated skin, through layers of material that seem to be both too thick and too thin. She inches his hand lower, until they're pushing past the rim of her underwear (his boxers). As his large finger grazes her clit, she places her other hand on the counter, over his, squeezing tightly.
"Adorable?" He asks, as he teases her entrance.
"Hot, very h-" He thrusts his thick fingers into her heat, and her breath hitches, her voice disappears in a silent scream. She is trying to adjust, and she needs more, at the same time, movement, and deeper, deeper, still. And then he's moving his hand from the counter, and he's kneading her breasts, twisting her nipples, until she's moaning in the agonizing pleasure, as he bites her exposed shoulder, his tongue soothing the tender skin. And her hand is slipping from the counter, and she is trying to grab anything, anything to hold on to, as he pick up his pace and pushes her over the edge, and into the oblivion. Her head is resting on his shoulder, as she tries to breathe, to calm her heartbeat. He kisses her temple tenderly, before he drags his soaked fingers along her hip bone, past her navel and up her side, until he's sucking them dry. She turns around and kisses him, open mouthed, their lips barely touching, as she bites his tongue lightly and tastes herself in the familiar crevices. He pulls away, then kneels before her, running his tongue along the path his soaked fingers travelled, licking off the remnants of her essence. Her knees buckle from the heat, the softness of the touch, the love that is apparent in the way he worships every inch of her like she is the most precious thing he had ever seen, or touched, or tasted; loved. He holds her up, smiling gingerly, as he towers above her now, his forehead resting on hers.
"I love you." She says with a small smile, as she palms him through his soaked pajama bottoms.
"Livvie…" His voice is hoarse and she wants to hear it again, and again, hear him call her name. She reaches for the string that is keeping the garment loosely on his hips, but he stops her, his hand shaky, as he swallows, his saliva thick. "We should go upstairs… The kids." She just nods before taking his hand and guiding him slowly up the stairs.
"Hey, I'm home." She yells as she hangs her scarf and her coat on the coat rack, and kicks her snow-drenched boots off. "Hello." She calls out as she steps into the dining room, fumbling though her bag looking for her phone.
"Hey Liv." Karen calls out from a seat at the table, absentmindedly, her eyes focused on her iPad.
"Where's every-" But then she stops as a huge snowball slams into the glass door. Zo is bent over, laughing hysterically, as Gerry tries to get the snow out of his hair, then straightens up, unnaturally, like an arrow, as it falls in the crack between his collar and his scarf, melting on his warm skin. Nur is sitting on a snow throne, happily eating it at the same time; scrunching her nose up every time the cold touches her tongue.
"They're outside." Karen says, following Liv's line of sight. "And dad and Cy are upstairs, working on something."
"Of course they are." Liv says with an exasperated sigh, as she drops her bag on to the table. "Presumably they haven't started dinner?" Karen just shakes her head with an apologetic smile.
"I can help you out." She offers as she follows Liv into the kitchen. "I don't mind."
"Honey, it's fine. I'll just make pasta." She pauses for a moment, as another snowball hits the glass, then turns around to Karen, "Why don't you go out for a little bit?"
"I'm OK." Karen says softly and Liv tries to remember if her voice was always so soft, elusive almost, like the sound of leaves moving to the rhythm of summer breeze. But then the girl speaks again, and she is forced to focus on the present, "I'm not a snow person."
"OK then." Liv says, her voice way too chipper, "We'll make dinner. Chopping or stirring?" She asks as she hands her an apron.
"Chopping."
Before she can reply another snowball hits the glass, harder this time. She cracks the window open and pokes her head into the freezing air, "If you two bandits hit the glass one more time that's it, you're coming inside, and you'll be doing the dishes for the rest of the week. And for the love of god Zoey, why are you letting her eat snow? If you insist on taking her out, then act like a responsible grown-up." And with that she shuts the window, leaving their stunned faces, and vocal protests outside.
"Liv, you OK?" Karen asks tenderly, as she slices the tomato.
"Yeah sweetie, why?" She asks with a smile as she rummages through a stack of pots and pans, uttering profanities under her breath, as the metal clinks loudly.
"It's just… you seem a little on edge."
"Just tired." And she gives her a small smile of reassurance, but the girl doesn't seem convinced.
"Crap!" And she rushes over to the teenager, grabbing her hand and putting it under a stream of cool water.
"Karen…" She says as her eyes settle on the thin lines imprinted into the girl's thin wrists.
She yanks her hand away and pushes her sleeve down, drenching it in water. "You can't tell my dad!"
"Tell me what?"
And Liv shoots her a pleading look. "I cut my finger." She says, as she lifts it up and the ivory skin becomes crimson again. "I'll go put a bandaid on it." She says, in a voice that's too high pitched and comes off hysterical, rather than cheerful.
"How did she-"
"Why didn't you tell me to pick something up, if you weren't going to make dinner?" She asks, her tone harsh, as she pulls out another knife and starts slicing the rest of the tomatoes.
"We lost track of time." He says, eyeing her suspiciously. "I didn't realize it was a big deal, I figured I'd make pasta or something when the kids were hungry."
"Except that you were working, and now I'm making it."
"Were they hungry?" He asks with a wide grin, but then loses it when he realizes she's not the least bit amused. "Liv, what is this about?"
"It's about the damn dinner, what does it seem like it's about?" She asks, her voice cracking in anger.
"Liv, please, just stop waving the knife." He says, as he steps into her personal space, and takes the knife slowly from her hand. "What is this about? I know that you're stressed about the tests, but the doctor did it just as a precaution, since you were already there. The IUD is out, she'll call to tell you everything's good, and then we can start trying; hell we already could have made a baby this morning."
"It's not that easy…" She says quietly, looking down and the tomato slices. "It takes time, and it might not work, I… I don't want you to get your hopes up and then, I don't want us to be disappointed."
"Did the doctor say something else yesterday?" He asks, as he pulls her in an embrace, letting his head rest on top of his.
"She… just with my age, and-"
"She's a dinosaur Liv. I mean, she was your mom's OBGYN when she was pregnant with you. In her time, sure, your age could be a risk, but now, honey, you're a pretty young mom by all accounts."
"But what if something…"
"We'll deal with it then. I'm not planning for disasters Liv." He runs small circles on her back, but there's a firmness, finality in his voice. "And we need to find you a new doctor."
"I'm sorry." She says with a soft chuckle. "I don't know what's happening."
"You're just tired." He kisses her temple. "Sit and tell me about your day, and I'll finish dinner."
"I can help!" She protests, as she makes no attempt to move out of his embrace.
"Only if you can chop sitting down."
"I-yelled-at-the-kids." She utters it all in one breath, the sound almost muffled by his chest.
"I know. I heard you upstairs." He says and she hears laughter grumble in his chest.
"You did not!"
"I did. Dishes for a week." His voice is high pitched and his eyes narrowed, "What do you think why Cy didn't come down."
They finish cooking as evening sets, and kids rush in - flush-cheeked and sweaty, their lips trembling almost as violently as their hands.
"We'll go wash up." Zo says quietly from the archway between the kitchen and the dining room. "I'll take care of Nur."
"It's fine Zo, I can do it." She says softly, as she walks over to the girl and pulls her into a hug. "I feel like I haven't seen you in days."
"You've been busy." She says, her tone carefully chosen, not accusatory. "And it's been a madhouse in here."
"Gilmore girls tonight though?"
"We don't have to."
"I know. But I want to." And she lays another kiss on the girl's temple.
"OK." She exclaims excitedly. "But, honestly, I'll take care of Nur… You can just stay here… rest… possibly not come up to check the level of frozen that her clothes were." And she's stepping back, trying to get away.
"Zo, now's the time to run." Fitz chimes from the stove, as he stirs the sauce. And they laugh as they watch her race the toddler upstairs.
Zo and Gerry talk and laugh all through dinner, as they try to teach Nur to catch macaroni with her mouth, resulting in a lot of tomato sauce in her hair, on her forehead, her cheeks, and her chubby hands as she tries to catch the macaroni between her short fingers. Fitz occasionally tells them to slow down, be careful and eat their food, all the while trying not to laugh hysterically. The rest of the time he glances over at Karen who's barely touching her food, and seems to find it far more interesting to push it around the plate, and Liv, who's doing the same as she stares at the girl intently. "Everything OK?" He whispers, as he takes a bite from her plate.
"Yeah. Fine. Just not very hungry." She says with a small smile, never taking her eyes off of Karen.
"I think I'm done." The girl says, as she gets up abruptly, 'I'm not feeling very well." There is an awkward silence during which the scraping of the chair legs against the hardwood floors can be heard as clearly as laughter could be, mere moments ago. And then Nur, upset by the sudden loss of attention throws a few macaroni at Gerry's face, and everyone is instantly engrossed in the toddler's world. Liv starts to get up, but Fitz places his hand on her thigh.
"Give her a moment." And she nods, but does't relax into his touch completely. She doesn't know how to do this, how to deal with a young woman who has a wall so tall and impenetrable around her that it seems impossible to break through. It's like she has this whole other life, a life none of them know anything about, and she's only seen a glimpse, a glimpse sufficiently terrifying to unsettle her, make her question everything she knows about parenting, and families and loyalty.
Finally, she pushes her almost-full plate in front of Fitz and gets up, the idleness too much for her rattled thoughts. "I'll get Nur ready for sleep. Way past her bedtime anyway," she ads somewhat unnecessarily, as the toddler's soft cries start getting louder. She strips her right there, tossing her ruined onesie on the table. "The two of you will be sorting this out." She says with a smirk, as she walks out, whispering to the baby that's comfortably settled in her arms. She gives her a good scrub, letting the girl play with the small bubbles. Finally, she smells like lavender, and not like tomato sauce, oregano and garlic. She puts her in her spaceship PJs, and sits with her in the rocking chair. She can see her eyelids become heavier, as sleep relaxes her tiny body completely, and dreams let her lips curve into a small smile.
"She's pretty spectacular, huh?" He says quietly, as he crosses the room, effortlessly, as if gliding along the soft carpet.
"She is." She says with a small smile, as she runs her finger along the girl's button-like nose. She scrunches it, and they both laugh softly. "We should let her sleep."
"We should." And he takes the baby from her arms and settles her down in her crib, pulling the soft blanket over her body. "Were you singing Flawless to her just now?"
"No, I-" She tries as she turns the light off.
"Yes, you were."
"So?" She says, as she stops in her tracks, pulling him back to her, by his belt loops. "She's better off having Beyonce as a role model than listing to those materialistic lullabies they usually make kids listen to."
"Materialistic?" He brushes his nose against hers, grinning.
"Hush little baby don't say a word, mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird… and then a list of things that she'll get for the baby. Tell me that's not materialistic."
"I." He kisses her cheek. "Love." The other cheek, at the very corner of her lips. "You." Her lips. Gently, barely touching them, like a feather teasing the sensitive skin. The vibrating of the phone in her pocket breaks them out. She looks at the screen, and can feel her stomach sinking to her feet.
"Liv?"
"I'll just take this and then go talk to Karen. Meet me upstairs?" He just nods his head and heads up the winding stairs. Once she hears the door on the floor above close, she slides the green arrow across the screen. "Dr. Richards?"
She knocks on the girl's door with a shaky hand, her heart is still beating wildly in her chest. "Karen?"
There's a pause, and then a soft, "Come in."
She stands in the doorway for a moment and observes how small she seems, how much weight she's lost, how hollow her cheeks suddenly are, how bony the tiny shoulders under her Harvard hoodie. Karen shifts uncomfortably under her gaze, and she looks away, suddenly aware that she's stared at her far more intently, and far longer than she intended. She sits on the bed, and lays her hand on the girl's thigh, squeezing lightly.
"I've stopped." She utters quickly, as soon as she sees Liv gathering her thoughts, arranging them in sentences. "I don't do it any more."
"Why did you do it?" She asks, looking straight into her blue eyes; her daughter's.
"I was upset."
"What about?" And she looks away, playing with the rim of her sleeves unconsciously.
"Nothing… Just stuff."
"Karen," she squeezes her thigh again, "I'm not leaving until we talk about this."
She's still looking out the window when she speaks, her voice burdened by emotion, "It's been eight months since the accident. It would have been born by now. The baby… the fetus," she corrects herself, "it would have, it would have been a baby now."
"I know honey." She says softly, running her hand through her hair. "The due date was two week ago." She looks up, startled. "It wasn't your fault Karen. None of it. Zo's leg, the miscarriage, none if it was your fault. It was an accident. In life… accidents sometimes just happen."
"I was the one driving."
"And honey, you did everything right." She pulls her head into her lap. She feels her body start shaking under her hands, at first it's small tremors, but then it's sobs, and hot tears streaming down her cheeks as her body twitches painfully. "It wasn't your fault baby." She keeps whispering in her ear, as she runs her hands though her hair and along her back. "You did everything you could." Then, as suddenly as it started, it stops. She is calm, her tears stop, and her breathing steadies, she straightens her back as she sits up. It frightens Liv, more than she's ready to admit, how well the girl seems to be able to bury her feelings, hide them even from herself.
"I'd like you to see someone." She finally says, a tone of finality in her voice. The girl nods. "On campus."
"But Liv-"
"This is not a negotiation Karen. I will look into it and make you an appointment. And you will go." She nods again, pulling at the rims of her sleeves. It's become a tic.
"You won't tell my dad?" She asks, her voice pleading.
"I… don't know yet. Let's see how you'll do for a few weeks." And she nods again, with a small smile.
"I'll do great. I promise. I'll stop." And she wants to ask, I thought you already had, but she stops herself, and gets up, heading towards the door.
"Can I tell you a secret?" And a girl sits up a little bit straighter, as she looks at her expectantly, a faint smile on her lips.
"Hi." She says from the doorway as she enters their bedroom, the reflection of the flowers from the skylight dancing on the floor.
"Hi." He smiles, dropping his iPad into his lap.
"So, the phone call, it was Dr. Richards." And he sits up, a little bit straighter, and she can't help but smile - Karen is so much like him. "We're pregnant."
"We're what?" He asks, as he swallows.
"We're pregnant." She manages to choke out, before starting to sob. "Hormones… fucking hormones." She mutters into his chest, as he jumps up from the bed, and engulfs her into his embrace. "The IUDs… they're not 100%, and I mean I have to, I, still have to go in, for checkups and stuff… but yeah, I-"
"Liv, slow down." He says softly, as he steps away, and places his hands on her trembling shoulders. "Slow down…"
"We're pregnant." She says in a shaky voice, a watery smile on her face, as he runs his thumbs along her cheeks wiping her tears away.
"We are." And he kisses the tip of her nose, before leaning his forehead on hers. "But I need you to slow down. I need you to relax. I need you to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. I need you to trust that this is right, and that it's going to be OK. OK?"
"OK." And she's beaming now, as she takes his hand from her shoulder and guides it to her abdomen. "There's a baby in there."
"Yeah." He kisses her slowly, her lips still salty from tears. "Another mini us." And she laughs, and in that moment he too, believes, that everything will work out.
"I should go down. I promised Zo I'd watch Gilmore Girls with her."
"Are you going to tell her?"
"No." She says, the smile disappearing from her face, "We should wait."
"OK." And she can tell he's upset. He understands, but he's upset. Not because of him, but because he wants to protect her from her own fears.
"I told Karen though. I just thought… she should know."
"Is she OK?" He asks, and she pauses at the door. She knows, this is a moment, a moment that will haunt her, when he finds out, this is the moment they will go back to, this is the moment he'll see as a betrayal. But the thing is - she feels as guilty as Karen, because she's done this to her. She failed, she got hurt, and she hurt her. She ruined her.
"She'll be fine." She says with a reassuring smile.
Betrayal.
OK, so I'm really curious to hear your thoughts, coz a lot happened. Do you think Dr. Richards told Liv anything else, and that's why she's worried? Karen's storyline is far from done, this is just a start. Do you think Fitz will find out Liv knew, and more importantly, if he does, will he see it as a betrayal? I'm trying to come a full circle here, exploring the complexity of these multilayered families, challenges that remain even after love has been established. Anyway, let me know what you thought. Also, if you're not getting the notifications, it's because I deleted/re-posted the stories, so everything was lost. Sorry about that :)
XO