The Joys of Parenthood
Disclaimer: I'm not RIB, so I don't own Glee or any of the characters. If I did, I'd be rich and probably not writing fanfiction! This chapter is MPREG, so I'll be using my go-to MPREG explanation like I did in When We're Older aka the Reddin gene. The gene is based on the Reddin character from the 1994 movie Junior. You should really watch it if you like mpreg. It's a good movie, I promise (I also don't have any rights to it either!) I also don't really own anything mentioned in this except for the crazy storyline so... I OWN NOTHING.
[Prompt: With pregnancy comes cravings. Kurt has some major ones and poor Blaine becomes the guinea pig for a particular one.]
It started off with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and a spoonful of grape jelly.
The first (countable) pregnancy craving Kurt ever had came after a normal dinner of spaghetti bolognese and garlic bread. He was in his sixteenth week of pregnancy and they'd been in the process of cleaning up the mess from their meal when Kurt turned to Blaine and muttered something about dessert. All of a sudden, Blaine's pregnant husband was dishing out bowls of ice cream and plopping one hearty glob of sticky purple jam onto his portion, the hungry look in his eye increasing tenfold when the jelly rolled down the side of the frozen dessert and settled into the bottom of the bowl.
It was unusual to say the least, especially to a very confused Blaine. "Grape jelly? Normally you loathe grape flavored stuff."
His husband could barely answer, the spoon already in his mouth while a small smudge of jam dripped down the side of his lip. "Huh?"
"Nevermind... how's the ice cream?"
"Uhhhmmmmm."
"That good, huh?"
Kurt just hummed in response again, savoring the taste and ignoring Blaine in the meantime. He didn't even move from his position at the kitchen counter; the silverware and bowls, tub of ice cream, and the jar of jelly sat neglected around him as he ate. The only thing that mattered at that very moment was his dessert and all Blaine could do was smile and watch as his hubby enjoyed the strange concoction he normally wouldn't eat any other day.
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Following the ice cream/jelly incident, Kurt's cravings grew stronger and stranger.
One evening, Blaine came home from a night at the gym, his body still disgustingly sticky with sweat and clothes sticking to his form. All he did was press a hello kiss on Kurt's mouth on his way to the bathroom to freshen up but before he had a chance to hop into the shower, Kurt intercepted him, dragging him back into their bedroom while he nuzzled his face against Blaine's damp body and took in the musky, tangy scent of Blaine's skin. For weeks, he couldn't get over Blaine's natural scent, the smell so intoxicating that sometimes he begged for Blaine to stay home so they could cuddle while Kurt pressed his nose into Blaine's collarbone and just breathed.
(Another night, when he thought Blaine was fast asleep, Kurt even licked a stripe up the side of Blaine's neck after a vigorous round of sex, lapping up a few beads of sweat like it was normal or something. Blaine hadn't been asleep whatsoever and he almost burst out laughing when Kurt sighed happily behind him and went back to sniffing him like some sort of dog. However, Blaine knew better than to upset his pregnant husband. There was nothing worse than having an overly emotional, teary eyed Kurt staring at you, eyes full of sadness and embarrassment over something he really couldn't control. They went through it before when Kurt's baby brain kicked in and he forgot his keys on the way out of the apartment. Blaine, at that time, laughed, slightly teasing his hubby for his forgetfulness... and after the burst of angry tears he was subjected to, he vowed for it to never happen again.)
There was also a time period when Kurt became obsessed with the smell of vinegar. A whole month went by with their apartment smelling like a vat of rancid/sour all because Kurt would pop open a bag of salt 'n vinegar potato chips or he'd straight up open a bottle of vinegar itself just so he could sniff it.
It was so weird. But according to the what to expect books, being obsessed with certain smells (and repulsed by others) was normal for a pregnancy. Even the creepy food cravings were common, though they boggled Blaine's mind day after day.
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As Kurt bulldozed his way through his second trimester and into his third, he hit major milestones that had him and Blaine on their toes. They were readily preparing for their baby's arrival - only ten more weeks to go - and while they did so, Kurt's desires for certain food mixtures became more strange as the days grew long. Things that he once hated were suddenly very wanted. Things that he once loved were suddenly foods he never wanted to see again. The weeks went by with Kurt testing out dishes that made Blaine's face go a little green and by the thirtieth week of his pregnancy, Kurt was hungrier than ever.
From pepperoni and tomato salad to hot 'n spicy pork rinds. From blueberry cake donuts dipped in applesauce to ice cubes drizzled with maple syrup. From unpeeled raw potatoes to orange juice mixed with just a hint of mint, no craving was left unsatisfied.
Kurt ate everything he could.
"I don't understand how some people don't gain a bunch of weight during pregnancy," Kurt groaned out one day, body perched on the sofa with a plate balanced on his bump. His words were thick, his mouth unfortunately sticky from the peanut butter he'd smeared on his sandwich. Occasionally, his talking would cease as he crunched on the sweet pickles he layered in between the peanut butter, orange marmalade, and bananas, but mostly he kept on talking, oblivious to the slight discomfort his husband seemed to be displaying as Blaine watched him chew with his mouth open. "I mean, I feel like eating everything in sight."
You have eaten everything in sight, Blaine thought to himself, not unkindly. He was surprised mostly, by the increase of appetite in his husband; the appetite that was much more hearty than he expected. Kurt did like to eat; the boy enjoyed plenty of food without a care, but he was also keen to keep up with his exercise routines. Now that he was pregnant, he did exercise here and there and he really didn't gain that much weight, but he was certainly putting away the food, that's for sure. Blaine would go to the grocery store to pick up whatever Kurt wanted and then it'd be gone within a day or two... or maybe even hours. It was like the pregnancy turned Kurt into a bottomless pit, a horribly hungry, capable of making the most disgusting food imaginable bottomless pit. Their grocery bill was atrocious.
"You want a bite?" Kurt asked, holding out his sandwich with a smile that made Blaine grin back even though he kind of wanted to gag at the sight of all that mess smashed between two slices of bread.
"No thanks, sweetheart. You enjoy your sandwich. I think I might go make myself a salad."
"Oh okay. Hey! While you're in there, could you get me a glass of milk please? And could you put some ice cubes in it? Shaved ice actually! Not the cubes! Oh, and maybe some of that vanilla syrup we use in our coffee? Thank you! Love you!"
Yeah, Kurt was having some pretty serious cravings.
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In the middle of week thirty-one of the pregnancy, Kurt decided to switch it up a little...
By offering Blaine his brand new concoctions, that is.
At first, when the cravings originally kicked in, Blaine supported his hubby's eccentric tastes and questionable palate. He wholeheartedly bent over backwards to get Kurt what he needed, whether it be a bag of tangerines or a bottle of thousand island dressing (for Kurt to dip almost everything in.) He rolled out of bed and went to pick up take-out if Kurt was too tired or he'd make a special trip to the market for that bottle of malted chocolate syrup that Kurt just had to have on his ice cream (the one that Kurt teared up over when he realized that they didn't have malted syrup in their fridge - as if they ever did before.) Blaine was one of the best, most supportive fathers-to-be he knew.
But there just was one thing he couldn't do: eat Kurt's craving inspired cooking.
Upon Blaine's sleepy arrival into their kitchen, Kurt spun on his heel and grinned, wandering over to kiss Blaine good morning before he turned back to the stove and the food cooking on it. "Okay so, I made us breakfast and I hope you'll like it because I do."
"You made us breakfast... now? It's four in the morning."
"Yeah... your point? Miss Thing here-" He gestured to his swollen stomach, barely covered by one of Finn's old band t-shirts, "-decided that she wanted to keep me up all night, so I decided it was the perfect opportunity to whip up some breakfast. I made scrambled eggs with cheese; you can add salsa if you want. We only have peach-mango-jalapeno salsa, but it's good on eggs, I promise!"
To which Blaine thought, Umm no? Eww.
Kurt continued, not noticing his hubby's slightly disgusted look, "There's also turkey bacon and toast. But you have to try my version of toast because it is so good and you'll never want to put anything else on your bread ever again, I swear!"
I promise. I swear. Blaine, you'd LOVE this! All Blaine could think about was the monstrosity his husband was about to bestow upon him. The kitchen didn't smell toxic and he was certainly lured from their warm bed by the scent of bacon and toast (and also by the fact that Kurt wasn't in bed at all), but still, there was something odd about the way Kurt was trying his hardest to sell his toast experiment.
"Okay well... lay it on me?"
At that, Kurt beamed, turning to put two pieces of bread in the toaster. Once those were down, he reached over and grabbed a bowl with a thick off-white cream in it. It didn't look like butter and it didn't look like whipped cream; in fact, it looked like a lighter version of vanilla pudding... which creeped Blaine out a lot. Before he could put much thought into it, the toast popped up, ready and steaming, and Kurt swiped the bread slices out of the toaster and threw them on a plate, smearing thick globs of the mystery spread on them, smoothing it down with a knife. "Okay here! You're gonna love it! Trust me!"
I do... I think. I'm trying? Taking the plate from Kurt's hands, Blaine walked over to the table, sitting down with the toast in front of him, the strange stuff on it slowly melting into the bread in the weirdest (coagulated) looking way. "What is this?"
"I can't tell you until you try it."
"But what if I'm allergic to it?" What if I don't want to eat it? What if I throw it up?
"You're not allergic to anything, dummy. You'll be fine. Just try it!" Clapping his hands together, Kurt waited, watching Blaine with anxious eyes as his husband took a slice of the bread up to his nose and sniffed it. "Quit smelling it! Just take a bite. It's good. See-" He stole a piece from Blaine's plate and took a huge bite out of it, humming happily at the taste, "-it's so good!"
Blaine's nose scrunched, but he took the bait anyway, clamping his teeth down on the bread with a big enough bite that he could taste everything. Every salty, tangy, sweet (?!), greasy taste hit his tongue with a force that could not be reckoned with. He paled, feeling his throat tighten, but when he saw Kurt smiling at him as he finished off his own piece of toast, Blaine chewed his bite and swallowed it, willing his stomach to just hold onto the food until he had a chance to wash it down with some milk. "What-" He started, his voice scratchy and wrecked, "What is that?"
"It's something I thought of just now! It's butter and Miracle Whip mixed together! Isn't it delicious?!"
Somewhere in the back of Blaine's mind, the idea of Kurt dropping dollops of butter and the tangy mayo-like dressing into a bowl filled his thoughts. All he could see was giant jars of mayo and sticks of butter dancing their way through his stomach, all over his body from his arteries to his heart to his brain. Everywhere. "Oh my god-"
"It's so good. I didn't think it would be, but it's not as bad as a thought. I mean, don't you thi- Blaine? Honey, are you okay? You look kind of-" Before Kurt could finish his sentence, Blaine was up like a shot out of his seat, tearing out of the kitchen and into the guest bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him before the sounds of him being sick filtered through the walls. "Oh no. Blaine! Oh honey, I'm sorry!"
Several minutes went by before he got a response. "...it's okay."
"No it's not. I made you sick. I'm sorry."
"It's fine."
"I didn't think you'd get sick over that stuff. It'd be just like making a sandwich, like a dip or something! You put Miracle Whip on sandwiches and you eat it with cheese and stuff! That's not much different than-" The sound of Blaine's retching quieted him once more, a frown deepening on his face as he leaned against the door and placed his hands on his stomach, listening to Blaine be sick. "Sorry hun."
"...it's fine."
"I know this sounds kind of mean, but-" Kurt stroked his fingers over his belly, patting it lightly when the baby inside fidgeted and kicked, "-since you most likely aren't going to eat that piece of toast, can I have it?" Blaine answered him by being sick once more, so Kurt walked off, polishing off the toast in record time.
Later, he'd apologize to his pale-faced green-tinged-skinned hubby by letting him be the little spoon as they cuddled in bed. Sure, his round belly made it hard for him to curl around Blaine fully and Blaine did make him brush his teeth several times before they cuddled, but it all worked out in the end. Kurt even got to breathe in Blaine's sweat damp skin as he held him and cooed over how sorry he was that he caused Blaine to get sick.
Needless to say, after that little issue, Blaine didn't try any of Kurt's strange craving inspired foods ever again.
Of course, months later, Blaine found himself really confused when he walked into the kitchen to make a bottle for the baby's late night feeding and caught Kurt sitting on the counter, eating that god forsaken toast again, licking his fingers with a guilty look on his face.
(In Kurt's humble opinion though: just because Blaine didn't enjoy the damn toast didn't mean that he couldn't eat it. Pregnancy cravings or not - it really wasn't that bad!)
A/N: When I was a child, I ate the weirdest foods and I tried that damn toast once. We didn't have anything to eat in our house and I threw together that mess just to have something to eat... and I liked it! I think I ate it several more times after that. Then it started to get really gross on me and I gave that up REAL fast. Haha! Anyway, for those of you who are like WHY ARE YOU ONLY WRITING MPREG!KURT WTF? Well, I've written quite a lot of mpreg!Blaine lately and my Kurt fans were ravenous over some mpreg with him, so here I am. I'm still writing Blaine fics (and yes, Two Steps Back is still one of them and it's currently being worked on!) So don't fret. If you do like mpreg!Kurt on here, let me know. Blaine seems to have more mpreg fans on FF than Kurt does, but on tumblr, everyone's like I NEED KURT. So let me know. Also remember I do take prompts on here as well! Yay!