"Get ready, we're going riding in 10 minutes." He yells from the doorway without waiting for a response. He hears footsteps, the sound of door being opened, he smiles to himself, this has become a bit of their little game.
"I have a life, you know." She yells from the door. "I have homework and readings to catch up on, and friends, and you cannot just assume I can hang out with you whenever you please." She sounds just like her mother. He straightens his smile before turning around.
"Karen," and she beams back at him, "honey," and she rolls her eyes, the same as every morning, "of course you have a life, a very busy, very social, productive and fascinating life that I am envious of. You also have a dad who is getting older and older and won't life forever, you know and-"
"Dad, you've been using that since excuse since we were four!" Gerry yells from behind closed doors.
"Yet you don't seem to be getting too old to go riding." Zo says with a wide grin as she pats his shoulder before disappearing into Gerry's room.
"I take it the two of you are already ready?" He yells, feigning annoyance, but really, he loves it – he loves all of it, the bustle, the noise, the arguments, the laughter, he loves every moment of it, if only-
"We'll be down in five!" Zo and Gerry yell in unison.
"Karen?"
"Yeah, yeah! I'll be down in five too. But, honestly, this is the last morning." He grins as he heads down the stairs, she's been saying that for the past six weeks.
"Morning." He says with a smile.
"Hey," she turns around at the door, and gives him a weak smile, "there's fresh coffee in the pot. I'm running late for a meeting. Karen has a doctor's appointment today, don't forget and-"
"Mellie, I've got it. Go, run to the meeting."
"Right. Thanks." She awkwardly steps out. "Bye."
He's been staying in California for the past 6 weeks. He loves the air, freshness and humidity of it; he loves having horses again, he loves walking in the woods and the silence. He loves it here. But it feels like a holiday, a long, too-long of a holiday, and he misses her, he misses their house, he misses the rush of the city, and the cars and honking and the way Nur claps her hands at the sound of ambulance sirens, and how she never misses an opportunity to lick whatever she can on the subway. He misses it. He misses the person he is when he's with her, with them, there.
"Ready?" And the girl's voice startles him. He spills some coffee on his hand, burning it.
"God-damn-it."
"Sorry," she smiles apologetically as she hands him a tea towel, and he hates how cautious she's become around him, how distant, how grown-up. He understands, he does, it's always been her and Olivia, she's always been so protective of her, of their special bond, and he gets it, he loves it, he always has, but he hates that he's hurt her, he hates that he's hurt them both.
"Zo-"
"I'll go get Mr. Fluffs ready."
"OK." He looks at the floor as she walks past him, he can't stand to see the disappointment in her eyes. It's there, no matter how hard she tries to hide it. "I'm sorry." It stumbles out, before he can stop it. She stops, her hand on the door handle, and for a moment he wishes she'd pretend she didn't hear anything, for a moment he wants her to just walk out, because this is a conversation he's not sure he's ready to have, it's a conversation that would actually require him to acknowledge the end.
"What-"
And Gerry interrupts her as he jumps in. God he's gotten so tall, and he's starting to sport some stubble and suddenly Fitz feels so very old. "Readyyy?" And he does a drumroll on the kitchen-counter, as Karen hits him on the head with a wooden spoon.
"Stop it, you goof!"
"Dad! She's hitting me!"
"Well, you've earned it!" He says with a grin, trying to see Zo's face out of the corner of his eye. She's smiling, but he can tell she's not even listening, she's hundreds of miles away. "Let's go!" And they all run out. They run one after the other, playing tag, screaming, occasionally yelling an accusatory "DAD!" in his direction. He hears it, but as if through an ocean. It doesn't seem real. None of it seems real.
They've saddled up the horses by the time he joins them in the stables, all ready to go. Karen looks at him quizzically, "You OK?"
He smiles weakly, "Yeah. Let's go."
"Race to the river!" Gerry yells over his shoulder. He's already 50 feet ahead.
He doesn't race. He stays close enough – in case they need him, but he doesn't hover, he lets them have their fun. And he enjoys the sun, it's soft, warm but not hot, not burning. It dances through the branches – beams thick and thin waltzing through the air.
"No fait." She yells as she comes closer. "You've had horses your whole life. I'm a city girl, I don't know what I'm doing."
He jumps off his horse and ties the reins to the nearby fence. He turns around and in that moment he is certain he's never seen anything more beautiful. Her hair is disheveled, her chest heaving, she is out of breath, but smiling, beaming - her eyes seem on fire. "It was your idea we race." He says as he takes the reins from her hand. "Come on." And he gestures her to jump.
"No way. I'm not jumping off this thing."
"I'll catch you."
"Fitz, I love you, but I am not jumping."
"Don't you trust me?" He retorts with a wide grin.
"I do, but I also trust in gravity pulling my ass to the ground." But she says it with a wide smile and he knows she's made up her mind. And she jumps, into his arms. She slides down his body slowly, and he keeps her in his arms, suspended a couple of feet above ground. "What?" She asks, challenging, the way only she can.
"I'll marry you one day." And suddenly, she grows serious, he can feel her stiffen.
"Fitz, we're still in college." And it hurts, it stings that this is her initial reaction. He gets it, he understands, but on some level it still hurts.
"I know." He says with a grin, he tries to cover it, "I said one day."
She smiles. She brushes her nose against his. "I need to become a person, before I can become a wife." She pecks his nose sweetly, and wiggles out of his arms. And he knows two things in that moment, one, that she will forever be the love of his life, and two, that that may not be enough. He know then that Olivia Pope is first and foremost fiercely independent.
"A penny for your thoughts." He smiles, it's what Olivia would say. The same intonation, the same look in her eyes.
"I was just thinking about your mom." And there is a wistful smile on his lips, he is the face of melancholy.
"What happened Fitz?" And it stings that she doesn't say dad, it does, but he tries to not let it show, it's his fault.
"What always happens kid… life."
"That's bullshit." He looks at her shocked. Her mouth is a thin line, her eyes cold. He's rarely seen her like this, and never, never with him.
"Zoey." He warns.
"Oh, come on! That's bullshit, and you know it. Life didn't happen. You messed up. That's not life, that's on you!"
"Zo, you don't know the whole story, you-" and he stops. What is he doing. He is not actually trying to get her to be on his side, he is not actually trying to get her to be mad with her mom, he is not actually trying to ruin the only semblance of stability she has in her life. He closes his mouth and looks down. "You… We should head back to the house." She gallops off, without a word.
"What was that about?" He didn't realize Karen was so close by.
"Nothing, just… Nothing." He smiles softly. "How are you feeling."
"Fine." She says firmly as she navigates Mrs. Zest down a narrow path. "I'm fine dad. You can't keep avoiding talking about what happened with you and Liv forever on the account of me trying to kill myself." God how can she say it so easily, so calmly, it still knocks the air out of his lungs, the possibility, the oh-so-nearness of the miss. She turns around with a small smile, "The therapist says it's good to call it what it was. To face it."
"Right." It's an inadequate reply, but then lately, that's all been able to give.
"It wasn't her fault, you know." She says as she slows down, giving him a chance to catch up. "None of it was her fault. She was… Dad she was amazing. She tried to help me, she talked to me, she told me the baby, the miscarriage, that none of it was my fault, she talked to me and she found a doctor and she kept talking to me… she did all she could, but it was just… it was too much. I wasn't, I couldn't deal with things, that… that wasn't on Liv."
"Karen," his voice sounds harsh and she looks up, eyes wide, he tries to soften his tone, "I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but it's more complicated than that."
"How?" She pauses and looks at him, all blue eyes and waist long hair, "How is it complicated dad?"
"She's… She of all people know how difficult it is, how impossible to save someone, she knows, she's seen it happen, so she should have known to tell me, she should have asked for my help, she should have let me help Karen, you both should have."
"Has it ever occurred to you that because she's seen it happen she thought she knew how to handle it better? Or maybe, that she has handled it well? That maybe, she's the reason I'm alive, the reason I didn't succeed in killing myself?" He looks at her, but the sun forces him to shut his eyes. "She told me how when her dad died the most difficult part was finding notes, diaries, cards – with plans and stuff. Finding them and wondering if he were alive, would he still want to go to that haircut he scheduled, and would he still want to see that movie, and what would he thing of this. It was the fact that he had plans and then suddenly he was gone, and he couldn't take it back, he couldn't undo it, and Liv, she thought that maybe he would have wanted to. She knew, he would have wanted to see her graduate, and watch her wedding dance. And… I called 911. I took the pills and then I saw this calendar on my desk and it had… Liv's ultrasound appointment she told me I could come with her, because I was feeling so shitty about the miscarriage, so she said I could come, and I saw it on the calendar and I just… I freaked out. I realized I wanted to hear the heartbeat and meet this baby and hang out with Gerry and Zo and Nur and I just… I called 911."
Everything is spinning and there is ringing in his ears. He can't breathe. He attacked her, and he yelled and her, and he's been cold and distant and angry and just… she, god he's been a jerk and now he can't breathe. He stops the horse and jumps off. He bends over, trying to catch his breath. She runs up to him.
"Dad!" Her voice is panicky."
"I messed up kid." He looks up, still unable to breathe.
"Can you fix it?"
"I don't know. I messed up big time." She looks down and his heart breaks, no, this is not another mistake he'll make. He needs to start fixing things now. "Karen," he lifts her chin, "this is not your fault. This is all on me."
"If I hadn't-"
"No. Honey," he sighs, "if I hadn't been an immature jerk… this is not on you." He finally manages to straighten up, "We should go. We need to make your doctor's appointment."
They drive to Santa Barbara and they're quiet in the car. He stares at the lines on the road, lost in thought. She plays with her phone. Soft thumps break up the silence, the sound of hoofs on the morning grass. He looks up. She smiles, "Liv sent me a video of her ultrasound." It aches in a place he cannot name. He should be there. She puts her hand on his shoulder. How did he let this happen.
He waits for her to be done with her session. He sits in the waiting room the whole time. He takes his phone out of his pocked 20 times and puts it back in as many. His fingers hover above the screen, a few times he even makes it as far as her name, but he doesn't dare, no – he doesn't know what he dreads more – her picking up and being cold and distant, or her not picking up. He deserves it, he knows he does, but he just… he's not ready to face it. He's not ready to face the possibility that he's broken them beyond repair.
"You go rest for a bit… or you know, live your full life, and I'll go check what those two goofs want for dinner." He says as they come into the house. He climbs the stairs, absentmindedly scrolling through his phone, looking at their old photos. How is it that we can never feel as completely happy, as we can so utterly unhappy?
"Hey, what do you want to ea-" He looks up, and she's looking back at him from the screen. Silence. They're all staring at him. He smiles. Rooted in place. Speechless.
"We'll go order pizza." Gerry says as he pulls Zo by her sweater. She seems reluctant, but Liv gives her a small smile.
The door clicks behind them. They are alone. She hasn't hung up. She is still on the screen. "Hi." He breathes out. And for the first time in six weeks it feels like his lungs can finally process air.
She looks down. His heart stops. This is them, this has always been them – it has been their greeting, their code, their thing, through thick and thin, their way of connecting; he is terrified of the silence, and even more than that, he's terrified she might say something else. But instead, a small, barely audible, "Hi." Followed by a soft smile.
I'm thinking a couple of chapters more and then it'll be done. Sorries it took forever. But yah know, I moved countries, got another degree, got a few haircuts and a couple of tattoos - so I've been keeping busy. Hope you're all still good. And here's to hoping I wrap this up soon.
Also, Roo - Happy 2 year friendversary, this potential-maybe-happy ending is for you girlie :)