21. Forgiveness and Remembrance
"So. I'm off."
Erin looked up from her bowl of porridge to meet Audrey's gaze. Her anger had dissipated overnight into an amalgation of sadness, grief, and aversion. Audrey remarked with an inward wince that her expression resembled that of a kicked puppy.
She winced outwardly when she realized that that look was her fault.
"Don't have too much fun," Erin muttered sarcastically as she looked back down at her bland breakfast.
"You can come, you know?" Audrey offered. "Doesn't mean you have to forgive me, or anything, but you can still - "
"I'll pass, merci."
"Erin - "
"I said I'll pass, damn it!" Erin shouted as she slammed her hand on the table. She leaned back in her chair with a huff and looked straight ahead, avoiding Audrey's gaze.
Audrey bit her lip nervously. She wanted to scream, throw things, cry and sob until there wasn't a drop of water left in her body, but she couldn't. Not in front of Erin. Not in front of anyone. It was a demeaning way to act. It was a weak way to act.
But it was her brother that died, damn it! She had every right to grieve outwardly and not bottle up her emotions until all that was left to look at was a glassy, stoic exterior. Audrey reserved that right more than anyone.
You've done enough damage to Erin, she chided herself. Leave before your selfishness hurts her more.
"All right," Audrey said quietly, trying to hide the shakiness to her voice. "Goodbye, then."
Audrey felt her heels digging into the soft earth and nervously smoothed down her black pants as she waited at the cemetery gate. A chilly, late February breeze blew past her and she pulled at her black trench coat with a shiver. The sun was shining, though, and most of the snow had melted, so it couldn't have been quite that cold. The shiver was, most likely, caused by an internal coldness.
The sound of footsteps on stone grabbed Audrey's attention and she turned to the direction from where the sound was coming to see her aunt and uncle walking up the cobblestone path arm in arm. They were both wearing wool coats and had scarves draped across their shoulders. Camille had a black beret on her head, which she would occasionally reach up to adjust, and a long, black dress. Daveth was dressed similarly to Audrey: black shirt tucked into black pants.
A whole lot of black, Audrey remarked solemnly.
Once the couple reached Audrey, Camille looked at her with a faint smile. "Audrey, my dear. How are you holding up?" she asked softly.
"As well as I can," Audrey replied with a shrug. She dug her hands into the pockets of her coat and gestured her head towards the wrought iron gate. "In we go?"
Daveth nodded, a grim look on his face. "In we go."
As the three approached the gate, it swung open inwards and they shuffled into the cemetery grounds.
The cemetery had been established for anyone that died fighting against Voldemort in the Second Wizarding War and did not get claimed by their families for burial in a family cemetery, or for families that wanted to honour their relatives' sacrifices by burying them there. All of the gravestones were similar - modest granite, each name boldly carved into the stone, right above the birth and death dates. A crude reminder of how many people died far before their time.
The graves were arranged alphabetically, so it didn't take long for Audrey and her aunt and uncle to find Brady's.
Audrey stared down the gravestone before her with a deep frown and felt her heart racing the longer she stared at it. Brady's death was becoming more and more real by the second.
BRADY ALTAIR CALLAGHAN
Born 7 August 1980
Died 3 May 1998
The sound of a sob broke Audrey out of her trancelike glare and she turned to her aunt and uncle. Camille had turned away from the gravestone and buried her face in Daveth's shoulder, arms tightly holding on to his middle. Daveth had wrapped his arms around her like a protective cocoon and hidden his face in the crook of her neck.
Audrey turned back to the gravestone. Just cry, damn it, she told herself. What's the big deal, anyways? You're human.
"Audrey," Camille called softly.
The sound of her name pulled Audrey out of her own thoughts, and as she turned to face Camille, she felt the hot tears on her cheeks. She hurriedly reached up to wipe them away and muttered, "I'm fine."
Camille reached out an arm and said, "No, you're not, love. And that's perfectly fine. It's okay to lean on people, you know?"
Audrey stared back at her aunt, mouth slightly agape as her words sunk into Audrey's brain and took up residence. She had thought she was doing Percy a favour by extracting herself from his life, but Audrey had failed to realize how much help she was to him, too.
She had only thought about herself. Typical Audrey.
With a racking sob, Audrey rushed into the arms of her aunt and uncle.
"You ditched me."
Percy stared back at Oliver standing on his doorstep with a confused frown.
Oliver sighed. "You completely forgot."
"Noooo..." Percy started. "Of course... not."
Oliver scoffed and shook his head. He pushed past Percy and into his flat with a faint, amused smile. "We were going to meet for breakfast. You said you wanted to talk about something important. Sent me an owl and everything last week."
Right. Percy winced as he remembered the letter, which he had written to Oliver in the hopes that his mate would have been able to help him clear up his situation with Audrey.
Unfortunately, that situation had gotten a lot more complex in a week.
Oliver stared expectantly at Percy's wincing expression.
"So? What's this 'something important' you wrote about?" Oliver asked as he walked into Percy's living room and took a seat on the couch.
Percy closed the door and followed Oliver into the living room. He sat in the armchair with a heavy sigh and made a mental note to remain friends with Oliver for a very long time. "Remember Audrey?" Percy asked.
Oliver grinned knowingly and Percy nearly groaned out loud. "Finally made your move, did you? Or do you need some help with that?"
Percy rolled his eyes. "I'll have you know I'm perfectly adept at wooing women," he said pointedly. "And, if I remember correctly, you were the one at Hogwarts that was so oblivious to girls' feelings that you accidentally made one cry."
Oliver narrowed his eyes at his best and grumbled, "All right, you've had your fun. We were talking about you."
Percy allowed a small, victorious smile to dance across his lips before it dropped into a frown as his thoughts wandered back to Audrey. He started to explain the whole, winding tale of how things just seemed to fluctuate from really great to really horrible between him and Audrey, right up until the events of the previous night.
"And now, I feel like she stabbed me with a bloody knife, acting like this was all about her, but it also makes me feel like a real prick for forgetting that that was the day she was going to find out if her brother was alive or not," Percy confessed.
After a short moment of heavy silence, Oliver finally asked, "How do you always manage to dig yourself into the deepest of graves?"
Percy scoffed. "It's a talent, if there ever was one."
"Just go talk to her, mate," Oliver suggested. Percy glared at him and Oliver rolled his eyes in return. "Hear me out on this one: you forgot and now, you remembered. What's more is that if you tell her all that gushy crap about how you need each other, she's bound to forgive you, and maybe it'll make her see where she went wrong, too. Just own up, mate."
Percy looked back at his friend with a frown. "Since when did you get so good at figuring out women?" he asked, a little begrudgingly.
"What, you have a better idea?" Oliver challenged.
Percy looked away in defeat. Oliver made a very good point.
He stood up suddenly and said, "All right, well, I guess I have an apology to make."
"What, you're not even going to feed me?" Oliver asked with feigned hurt. "For all of my labouring?"
Percy waved at him dismissively and said, "Grab what you will from the fridge, and don't forget to put the Locking Charms back up before you leave."
On that note, Percy stepped out of his flat and apparated to the alley behind Audrey's apartment building. He raced into the building and up the stairs, racking his mind to remember if Audrey had ever mentioned her apartment number in conversation.
There. Three-oh-five.
Percy took a deep breath and knocked on the poorly painted door. It violently swung open and Percy had already opened his mouth to ask Audrey to be quiet and listen, but his mouth promptly shut itself when he took in the person standing in the doorway.
It wasn't Audrey.
It was Erin.
"Er, morning," he greeted nervously. Erin had a very hostile look on her face, and Percy hoped to Merlin that it wasn't because of him.
"Audrey's not here," Erin replied. "Sorry."
She moved to close the door but Percy stuck a hand out and stopped it. Erin sent him a fiery glare that briefly reminded Percy of the flares of anger that Ginny had, nearly causing him to take a cautious step back.
"Where is she?" Percy asked. "If you don't mind telling me. It's just, I really need to talk to - "
"Oh, what a bloody surprise," Erin said with a roll of her eyes. "She kept you in the dark, too. You know what? I feel so damn sorry for you that I'm going to invite you in. I'm dying to know what she did to you."
As Percy cautiously followed Erin into the flat, he started to realize that the blonde's anger had nothing to do with him and everything to do with Audrey.
Percy heard the door close behind him as he looked around the flat. It was small, neat, and bare. There was the occasional coat flung across the back of a chair, or a pair of shoes lying haphazardly on the floor, but otherwise tidy. He spotted two white doors next to each other across from the kitchen. One was decorated in green and gold, with drawings of leprechauns on broomsticks zooming across it. The other was covered in photos - some magical, some muggle - of different people. Percy noticed a few of Daphne Greengrass, a few with Audrey and a younger boy, one of a man and a woman standing in a cobblestone street.
"Audrey's the nostalgic one," Erin commented as she sat down at the dining table. "She's also the one that's visiting her brother's grave right now."
Percy turned to Erin with a shocked look. He would be lying if he said that he wasn't expecting to hear that, but the matter-of-fact way that Erin said it made it seem like such an everyday thing to do. However, just before he opened his mouth to make some poorly thought-out retort, Percy noticed the blotchiness of Erin's face, the puffiness of her eyes, the redness of her nose.
And the mug in her hand.
"What have you got there?" Percy asked as he gestured towards the mug and sat down across from her.
"None of your business," Erin shot back.
"So I'll assume alcohol, then," Percy retorted. Erin looked mildly surprised, so he added, "Everyone's lost someone to the war."
Erin nodded solemnly and said, "Yeah, and I'm losing my friend to her ego."
"Why aren't you with Audrey?" Percy asked. "I got the impression that you were just as good as their sibling."
"I don't want to go with her," Erin replied. "She didn't even tell me that she had suspicions that Brady was alive! She's been looking for him since the attack in the Ministry and didn't say a peep."
"She didn't tell you that she was looking for Brady?" Percy asked with a confused frown.
Erin's jaw dropped and her eyes widened as she met Percy's eyes. "She told you?" Erin exclaimed in indignation. "You and not me!"
"Don't get ahead of yourself," Percy replied as he put his hands up defensively. "The moment she found out her brother was dead, she came over and told me that she couldn't make me 'carry her problems' for her. As if she was the only one benefitting from that relationship."
"Ouais, well, leave it to Audrey to think just about herself," Erin said sourly. Then, more softly, she added, "I don't really blame her for it, though. She's not used to opening up to people, so it's a bloody surprise she was so comfortable with you."
"I guess she does seem like the kind of person to keep others at arm's length," Percy admitted. "I just wish she'd realize she's only human."
"And you didn't know her when she was younger," Erin added. "Her mother told her that if she showed weakness, no one would like her. Her father said she shouldn't show weakness unless she was inviting people to take advantage of her. They were great people, her parents, had good intentions, but - "
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions," Percy interrupted. That was a concept that he was very familiar with.
"Ouais," Erin agreed with a nod. "Listen, the fact that Audrey ever even told you a thing about her brother is downright astounding. I've never known her to open up like that to anyone else except me, so... I'll talk to her about patching things up with you, all right? Just... talking to her after she gets back would be poor timing. Tu comprends?"
Percy nodded and said, "Yeah. I know how it is to say goodbye to a younger brother."
"Then Audrey was an idiot for pushing you away," Erin said. Suddenly, a clang was heard from one of the rooms and Erin stood up and pushed Percy towards the front door. "That's her apparating into the fire escape. Va-t'en!"
Percy reached the door and pulled it open, then turned to look at Erin. "Hey, Erin," he started, "actually, don't say anything to Audrey. I'll... I'll talk to her."
Erin frowned. "You sure?"
Percy nodded and waved goodbye before shutting the door to the flat behind him. He had realized that he knew far too well what Audrey was going through and, for some reason, that made him want to comfort her more.
But if she wasn't going to realize that on her own, then Percy had to show her.
Audrey stumbled out of the fire escape outside her bedroom window and into her dark room.
She glanced at her bed and briefly considered just curling up in it and staying there for the next month or so. Audrey quickly shook the idea from her head. First, she needed to talk to Erin.
Aunt Camille had been right, as Audrey knew she would be. It was okay to lean on people if they were inviting you to do so. Audrey was in no position to decide when people had had enough of her. She needed to learn to trust others. To trust that the people she cared for would be honest with her. That was true bravery - not the nonsense she had been spouting about carrying her own problems.
She should have never kept her search for Brady from Erin. Her childhood friend - her sister - would have been a helping hand. Erin would have been someone with whom Audrey could have shared her thoughts of hope and apprehension. She should have never assumed Erin couldn't handle the disappointment. Erin could have easily handled it, especially since she would have had Audrey to lean on.
And Percy... how could she have been so blind? He would have said something if she was becoming a burden, but Audrey had been too self-absorbed to realize that he had needed someone to lean on just as much as she did. And she just up and left him alone.
Once Audrey exited her bedroom, she immediately met Erin's eyes. The blonde witch was standing near the dining table with her arms crossed and a small frown on her face, not saying anything. Erin only stared back at Audrey as if waiting for her to make her trademark excuses.
The hot tears burned Audrey's eyes, but she no longer held them back.
"I'm so sorry," Audrey sobbed as the tears fell out.
Erin's frown turned into a look of empathy and she rushed towards Audrey to wrap her in her arms. Audrey quickly hugged her friend back and made no attempt to silence or soften her sobs. She heard Erin start crying as well, felt her small frame shake.
"I'm so sorry," Audrey repeated.
"Oh, Audie," Erin whispered. The sound of the nickname made Audrey's chest constrict. "You're only human."
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