A/n: Hello to my readers. Thanks again to all of you who alert and fav my story.

The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.

My mother tongue is French. My ultimate goal is to master English. I love English. I hope that there are no mistakes in this text. If there are, please excuse-me. France

HOPE

Chapter nine

PAINFUL CONFIDENCES

BELLA

I saw Edward this week and the previous week as well. He called me or texted me almost every afternoon. And he came for breakfast at La Stanza when I was working. He was damn clever and he was a very interesting and charming guy.

He helped me in maths and we went to watch a movie together.

And I was going to see him again today. It was Saturday and he invited me to go at Le Musée des Beaux Arts to see and exhibition of Claude Monet's paintings.

I didn't know anything about painters and their work of art, so it would be a new experience for me.

And Edward wanted me to have dinner with him after the visit.

I was clearly enchanted.

First of all, going to a museum was new to me. It would be the first time, I would visit a museum.

Second, I wanted to know more about him.

I already knew he had a painful childhood; not as painful as my own, but who could measure the pain one had in one heart. Maybe for him, it was as painful as my own.

I knew he had a lonely childhood, but I didn't know more.

He didn't confide in people easily--but who was I to judge--neither did I confide in people easily.

And he clearly avoided talking about his job. Every time I asked questions on his work, he kept changing the topic of the conversation.

And that was bugging me a lot. What was so secret about his job? What kind of business was he doing?

I didn't like all that mystery.

Maybe tonight, I would have some answers.

My cell phone rang, interrupting my thoughts and I answered.

It was Edward on the phone.

"Hello Bella," he said in a velvety voice.

"Hey, Hi Edward. How are you?" I asked him.

"I am fine. Are you ready honey? ...I could pick you up in twenty minutes."

"Yes. I am. I am waiting for you." I answered.

"Good. See you in twenty minutes". He said in a smooth voice.

"Great Edward…See you…"

Then, I hung up.

God, I loved that guy's voice; all smoothness and velvet.

And he was gorgeous as hell.

I knew I shouldn't think about a guy the way I was thinking about him.

He appealed to me, physically and intellectually.

He was such a good conversationalist. He was so clever and he knew so many things, in so many fields.

And he was so attractive.

Every time I was with him, I felt so emotional. When he was near me, almost touching me, my heart was beating so fast; I could feel a wave of electric shock running into my veins, like all my cells were irradiated by a blazing fire.

And I was so fucking afraid; afraid of these new emotions. Being sexually attracted to a man was a first for me.

I couldn't imagine myself falling in love with a man.

I couldn't imagine being sexually touched by a man.

The shadow had left deep marks inside me.

The shadow was a beast…I had been raped…And I would never forget and forgive.

But seeing Edward and having to deal with these new emotions was so new to me; I was freaking out.

I could feel he was attracted too. The way he was looking at me, with so much tenderness in his eyes.

Sometimes, he would touch my hand; his fingers grazing my skin with such delicate gestures. And then, I could feel my face going through all kind of red shades.

He would kiss me on the cheek. And then again, I was all blushes and flushes.

And I was dreaming of touching his lips and kissing his beautiful soft mouth.

But then, the shadow came back. And the thought of kissing Edward was not a dream anymore. It was a nightmare.

Someday, I would have my revenge. Someday the shadow would pay me back; for all the fear and all the pain that was in my heart.

I heard a car's horn. I looked through the window. Edward was there in front the house waiting for me.

The visit at the museum was quite impressive. And Edward impressed me more.

This guy was a living encyclopaedia.

Edward explained to me that 'Le Musée des Beaux Arts was the Grande dame of the Canadian museum world. It had been founded in 1860. There were two pavilions; the first one being known as the Micha and Renata Hornstein Pavilion and a more recent one known as the Jean-Noël Desmarais Pavilion. The pavilions were connected by an underground passage.

There were several exhibitions; but we were here to see Claude Monet's paintings; Edward's favourite painter.

During the whole visit, Edward gave his opinion and his commentaries on the different paintings, as well as the history of the painter.

We saw many of his masterpieces: The Walkers, the Luncheon, the Road Bridge at Argenteuil, Antibes Seen from The Sailis Garden, the Waterloo Bridge, effect on Sunlight in the fog, the Bridge over the Water-Lily Pond, and many more.

I learned that Claude Monet was an impressionist painter. He was born in 1840. His goal, when painting, was to capture temporary phenomena. He concentrated on the play of light and the color of the objects he was painting; the result was a sheer delight in the colors, textures and shapes of the landscapes. He painted coastal scenes, marine and forest subjects, townscapes, and figures in landscape settings. He painted river subjects with light-dappled water, and garden scenes in which vigorous brushstrokes and patches of bright color broke into the contours of objects.

"Look at this painting Bella. Isn't it truly magnificent? Edward said in a soft, low voice." Look at the objects. Their forms are dissolved in the play of light…And look here…Edward now pointing to another painting. Look at the light….on the façade of the cathedral…it alters from dawn to dusk. Truly, Monet was a real genius."

Claude Monet' subjects also included haystacks, poplars and lily ponds.

I was quite impressed by a painting called Nympheas.

It was absolutely magnificent. The sky, the water and the vegetation in this painting were transformed into swirling, vibrant masses of colors.

Every painting was all light and colors; a sheer celebration of nature.

Edward held my hand throughout the visit. Sometimes he drew circles on my knuckles. Sometimes, he kissed me on the cheek.

And the more I was with him, the more I appreciated him.

Then, it was time to go to the restaurant. It was almost 7:00 and I was quite hungry.

The restaurant was called 'Le Bâton Rouge'. It was a cosy place.

The waiter asked us to follow him at the far end of the restaurant.

We sat down at the table and the waiter asked us what we would like to drink.

I took a glass of white wine and Edward ordered a beer.

Then, there was that atmosphere of embarrassment again…surrounding the two of us.

I bit my lip, rubbed my hands which were cold as ice. I was a real bunch of nerves.

Edward was not better; his fingers running in his hair and making it messier than ever.

There were no maths, no movies and no visit at the museum to keep our mind busy.

We were just the two of us with our evident uneasiness.

So, I decided it was time for me to talk. Maybe he would open his heart to me too.

"Edward…Thanks for the wonderful afternoon. I truly appreciated visiting the museum today. I had a very pleasant time…very instructive. I loved it. And I love spending time with you." I said in a soft voice.

"I love being with you too Isabella. I love every single minute I am with you". Edward added.

"I want to know you better. I am tired of this hide and seek game. Don't think I want to force you to confide in me. " But…as I want to keep on seeing you, I think you should know more about me. Then, I added, if you are feeling comfortable enough, maybe you can tell me about your childhood."

I felt a change in Edward's attitude and something in his eyes; pain, suffering and something more…a terrible sadness.

"Okay, Bella. I am tired of this game too. But some things I can't tell you right now. I am not ready. You think I am a good guy, but I am not. I am a very bad guy. I am a living shit. I can talk to you about my childhood, but what I did after…and what was my life like just one week ago, just a few days ago, just two days ago…I am not ready to tell you right now. I know when you will know, you will disappear. I can't endure myself. I can't face myself in the mirror. You won't want to see me when you will know the real me. I have no hope and it is my own punishment. I know I will lose you." Edward added; his voice so sad and in so much pain that it was almost unbearable to hear.

"It cannot be that bad Edward. Maybe you did some very wrong things, but I like the guy who is in front of me right now. You cannot be all badness…I know you are a good person as well. You are clever, you are attentive and you are obliging."

"I am all that because of you Bella. I know I am clever…but attentive and obliging…it is all because of you Isabella. And I am going to lose you very soon. I can't hide my past forever."

"Don't be too hard on you Edward. You are not a monster."

"I am, Bella. I am a monster. When I will be ready to tell you all the truth, you'll see what kind of monster I am." Edward added, his eyes close to tears.

I stood up and went near him. I bended over him, and kissed him on the mouth. His lips were so sweet and tender; my first kiss to the man I knew I was falling in love with.

Then, I went back to my place and began to talk.

"I had a hard, very hard childhood Edward. You already know that my mom was a whore and a crack-addict and that my father was a pimp.

Then again, Edward's face was showing all the pain in the world, tears falling on his cheeks.

I kept on talking. It was really hard for me too.

"At the age of four, my mother died from an overdose. From that day, I was sent to an orphanage, first, and then to foster houses."

"Some of them were bearable…others were atrocious."

"At the age or eight, I was sent to the Newton. They made my life a living hell. I was battered, famished and neglected."

"At the age of ten I ran away. I wandered in the woods for three days before the policemen found me."

"As I was beginning to have a bad temper, threatening the kids who were living with me, laughing at Jane and Mike Newton when they beat me, getting into brawls at school, and ridiculing the teachers, the Newton didn't want me back."

"I was sent back to the orphanage and then to more foster houses". But it was not for a long time. I was a troublemaker and they got rid of me as soon as they had enough of my violent and aggressive temper."

"Around the age of fourteen I was sent to a new foster house. Esme Cullen was the name of the woman. At the beginning, I was the same; violent, angry and aggressive."

"But she was an angel. She was a caring, loving and charming woman."

"And she broke my walls of indifference and selfishness. She made me discovered a new feeling…The feeling of being loved…and the feeling of loving someone."

Then, I stopped talking.

Edward was looking at me; his eyes and his face still in pain.

"Is it too hard Bella? You can stop, if you want to. I am so sorry Bella. " I don't know what to say."

"No…you have to know….Can you just ask the waiter to come? I would like to have another glass of wine."

"Do you want something to eat?" Edward asked in a clipped voice.

"No…I am not hungry at all."

"I am not hungry either."

Edward went to the bar and asked the bartender for a glass of wine and took a beer for himself.

As soon as Edward came back, I took a sip of wine and kept on talking.

"I was happy living with Esme till the shadow came."

Then, Edward raised his eyebrows.

"I called him the shadow. In fact, his name was Jason Jenks. He was seventeen and one night he visited my bedroom."

Edward's face was now livid with rage; his lips tightly closed and his hands clenched in fists.

He knew what I was going to tell him.

"What did he do Bella? Tell me…Jesus-Christ… Did he abuse you? ... Did he rape you?"

"He did Edward. He did…every night for about six months. "I answered, tears falling on my face.

"Oh…Bella…I am so sorry…"The fucking bastard. Where is he? Is he in jail? Fuck...

"Tell me he is in jail. I am going to find that guy and kill him. Oh…honey…I don't know what to say…."Edward said in a painful and clipped voice.

"He is in jail…yes…He raped another girl who was living in the house as well."

"Why didn't Esme protect you? She loved you. You told me she loved you."

"She didn't know anything Edward. I should have spoken to her, but I did not."

"One night, I had enough. I left the house, leaving a note to Esme and telling her that Jason was an abuser and a rapist and to get rid of him."

"After I left Esme's house, I lived on the streets for awhile."

"I lived in abandoned houses, in interior garages, in a squat house with punks and in refuges.

"I did squeegism to earn money and some other things I am not very proud of."

"One night I was with a client…"

"What Bella? Were you forced on sleeping with guys? Edward added in a cracked, shaky voice.

"No Edward. I was never forced on…but I had to eat…so…sometimes…I did blow jobs…to earn extra money. And I was disgusting myself for doing it…but I had no fucking choice."

"Then, one night, when I was doing a blow job to a guy in his car, the police arrested me. I was sent to Le Centre de Jeunesse de Montréal.''

''I stayed there for three weeks.''

"And I learned from a counsellor that Esme had been looking for me; for the past six months, she never gave hope of finding me. "

"The day she was supposed to come and fetch me, she was involved in a car accident and she died."

Then, Edward grabbed both of my hands and rubbed them.

"Oh…Bella…You went through such terrible ordeals. How can someone endure so much pain? I am at a loss for words." Your childhood had been far more painful and hard than my own. There is no comparison…and now…I disgust myself even more.

"I acted like a coward. My life is just a fucking façade. I am just a fucking coward and a monster. I hate myself so much. I don't fucking know what to say. "

Edward kept repeating these words again and again. What did he do that made him thought he was a monster? Was it that bad? ... I couldn't imagine Edward hurting people.

And the intense sadness that I could read in his eyes; it made my heart faltered and then beat unevenly. There was this pressure in my chest; it was almost unbearable. I was as much in pain as he was. Me, for telling my story, and remembering all the cruel, terrible events in my life…and Edward…I didn't know yet. I knew he was in pain for me, but he was crying for himself too.

I kept on talking of my life after Esme's death.

How much depressed and sad I was.

I talked about the Volturi. But there was not much to say about them, and I was exhausted.

I told Edward about my meeting with Carmen Cope, and what she did for me; helping me to find a job, a place where to live.

I told Edward about my goals; a work and a place to live…That I already had.

Getting my diploma and becoming someday a social worker. This was already set in…as far as I would finish Secondary Five and go to Cegep and to the University.

And my last goal; tracking those abusers. Those fostering parents who were as bad as hell….violent and aggressive. They would be banned from the system. No children would be sent to their houses…ever. Tracking the drug dealers and the pimps who were treating teenagers as shit. I would do my best to help them. Some of those teenagers were controlled by gangs. They were manipulated, encouraged to take drugs and sexually exploited.

"I was very lucky…if I can use that word…when I was living on the streets."

"I could have been approached by a member of a gang or a pimp…And then…What could have happened to me?" Luckily enough I met Max and his gang…the squeegees

Punks. " Maybe God was with me that time."

"I don't know how I will do it Edward. I am not a super woman. But maybe someday if I can work in a refuge or in a center, I will find a way to help those girls…and those boys…and give them enough love and help them to get back their self-esteem and to denounce their abusers." I know some of those kids are scared to death. They are threatened and won't talk…and the abusers keep on having a hold over them."

Edward was still listening to me and staring at me with his deep green eyes, greener than ever, darker than ever and sadder than ever. And he was completely lost in his own thoughts. I had seen the face of pain many times in my life, but never had I seen so much suffering in someone eyes.

And then he talked.

"Bella…I will drive you home. I can't talk to you tonight."

He paid the bill. I followed him to his car. And there was not a single word uttered in the car.

And then I was at Angela's house.

He parked the car, opened his door and went to open the passenger's door for me.

I kissed him on the cheek and then asked him" Will you call me tomorrow Edward?"

"I don't know Bella".

He kissed me on the forehead and went back in his car. He revved the car and disappeared.

End of chapter 9

A/N…Now Edward knows about Bella's childhood and her life as a teenager.

Bella told him about her goals. She wants to help kids and help them to denounce the ones who abused them.

How do you think Edward is feeling right now?

Face to face with his own guilt…

Tell me what you think. Give me love and review.

Love France xxx