A/N: Hello to my lovely readers. Thanks to all of you who alert and fav my story.

The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.

Additional info: My mother tongue is French. I try to write a text with no mistakes. I love English. My ultimate goal is to master the language. If there are some mistakes in this chapter, please, excuse-me.

France xxx

HOPE

Chap.11

I HAVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone

When you're sure, you've had enough of this life

Well hang on

Don't let yourself go

Cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Hold on…

Everybody hurts…Bryan Greenberg

BELLA

After the visit to the museum and our conversation at Le Bâton Rouge

The drive back home was tense, neither of us uttering a single word; and when I asked Edward if he would call me the next day, his answer left me quite perplexed.

He didn't know. Was it something I told him that disturbed him to a point he didn't want to talk to me anymore?

There was that pain in his eyes. I couldn't decipher it. It was so intense and so raw.

And why was he repeating that he was a monster? Why was he repeating that he was a bad guy and that when I would know the real him, I would not want to see him anymore?

He knew almost everything about me but he kept keeping me in the dark. The afternoon had been magical; being with him, spending time with him, discovering how clever, smart and cultivated he was. But when we were at the restaurant, when I was talking, all the magic moments we had together, went up in smoke.

Maybe I told him too much. Maybe he couldn't accept the fact that I had been raped. Maybe he was the one disgusted. But I couldn't hide it to him. I knew I was falling in love with him and I couldn't keep that part of my life from him. He had to know and I couldn't regret telling him the worst part of my life.

Maybe he was disgusted because I did blow jobs to men when I was living on the streets.

But I had no choices. I had to eat and to earn money. Even if I hated myself while doing it. It was that or letting myself die. And it could have been worse. I could have been approached by a pimp or a bad gang. And what would have happened to me?

I would probably still be in their clutches. At least, now, my life was quite good.

I had a job. I had a place to live and I was going to school.

I took a quick shower and went downstairs. I was not hungry at all but I had to eat something.

I took a muffin and a glass of milk and went back to my bedroom. Nobody was in the house which was fine with me. I didn't want to talk to anybody and I had to think about what had happened at Le Bâton Rouge. Maybe I could pinpoint the part of the conversation that had disturbed Edward so much.

And I was fucking tired of not knowing. The thoughts mulled in my head and even if I tried to shove the thoughts away, they kept coming back.

I had to call Edward right now and told him that I wanted to see him the next day. I was working in the morning but I was free in the afternoon and in the evening and he had to give me some explanations. No way was he going to keep me in the dark. I had opened my heart to him and he would have to do it as well.

I thought it was not fair. If he was that bad of a guy, maybe he ought to give me the chance to decide by myself. He could not be the judge of my own reactions without letting me decide.

I called him.

At the third ring he answered.

"Hello"

"Hi Edward. This is Bella".

"Hi"

There was a few seconds of silence; none of us breaking it.

"Edward…What's going on? Can you talk to me please? Is there something I told you that hurt you, or annoy you, or disturb you? I don't know…Your reactions…It worries me a lot."

He didn't speak for awhile. The silence was ominous as ever. I could not decipher everything he was feeling with that silence.

I was just hearing his hard breathing and something more; sobs and sniffing.

"What the hell is going on Edward? Please, tell me." I am so sorry. Maybe I should not have told you about my past. Maybe that was a big mistake."

"It's not you Isabella." Edward answered in a clipped voice. It's me. It's just fucking me. There is something you said that confused me a lot. Something you said about your past. Your teenager life. What could have happened to you? I could have been that bad guy. I could have hurt you. Jesus-Christ, I am so sorry. What did I do? I can't see my face in a mirror. You won't forgive me. I am sure. You will hate me. You just came in my life and I am going to lose you."

"Edward. Please, listen to me. You have to give me some explanations. You cannot judge my own reactions in advance. Let me be the one to decide. It is impossible that you are as bad as you think you are. There is goodness in you. There is generosity in you. Please, Edward. I want to see you tomorrow. Don't leave like that."

His voice was broken with sobs. It broke my heart to hear him crying. Both of us were in pain right now.

"Are you working tomorrow Bella?" He asked. Even asking this simple question seemed like a torture to him.

"I am working tomorrow morning but I finish at 12:00. Please pick me up at La Stanza after my shift. This cannot end that way. Our friendship…or whatever is going on right now between the two of us cannot end this way. I like you a lot Edward. I can't lose you…not now."

"I don't want to lose you either. And it's killing me. It's killing me Bella. I don't think you will want to have me as a friend when you will know the truth."

"Promise me you are going to pick me up after the job. " I asked him in a hesitant voice.

"I do promise you Bella. I will see you tomorrow."

"Bye Edward."

"Bye Bella".

"Don't forget your promise."

"I won't Isabella. I'll be there."

I didn't sleep well at all. It took me hours before I began to calm down. I finally drifted in a very agitated sleep, dreaming of my dead mother lying on the floor, dreaming of the shadow and his filthy breath and his hands all over me and dreaming of Edward crying and screaming. As I wanted to touch his face, he disappeared. My sleep was nightmarish and restless.

At 7:00 in the morning, the alarm-clock rang. My mind was all foggy and perturbed.

I took a shower. Maybe the hot water would soothe my nerves; it did nothing at all.

Why was my life so complicated and painful?

I was almost happy now; having a job, having a place to live, having a job and going to school were parts of my happiness. And above all, having met Edward—that beautiful, gorgeous, sexy and smart guy had contributed to make my life happier than ever.

Edward…He was so nice; always ready to help me, taking me out and making me discovering new things.

But now there was something wrong between the two of us. He seemed to be grief-stricken. His pain seemed unbearable.

Would there be a time in my life when everything would be fine?

I doubted it. Every time I was kind of happy, something had to happen to make my happiness go up in smoke.

I tried to shove these thoughts away but they kept coming back.

I was born under an unlucky star…and it seemed to me that happiness was not for me.

I brushed my hair and put it in a ponytail.

I made up my face and tried to hide the rings that were under my eyes but I didn't succeed at all.

I put on my clothes and went downstairs.

There were no sounds in the house. Everybody was sleeping.

I took a buttered croissant and a glass of milk. I was not hungry at all. My stomach rolled nauseatingly but I still shoved food in my mouth.

I brushed my teeth, took my leather jacket, my cell and my purse and went out.

To my big surprise, Edward was near his Volvo, waiting for me; and obviously he had not slept very well either. All his face was showing his overtiredness.

"Hi Edward"

"Hi Bella"

"I was not expecting you this morning." I said to him.

"I didn't sleep a wink and I had to see you."

"I didn't sleep well either. My sleep was restless and nightmarish. Our last conversation…I don't know…Maybe it was too soon to talk about my past…Maybe I shouldn't have."

"It's not you Bella. Don't feel guilty. It's just me. Some of the things you said. I don't know. I feel so ashamed."

"Okay, Edward. Just calm down. Just drive me to La Stanza and try to eat something. You can wait for me after your breakfast but maybe you could go back to your house and try to sleep. You look exhausted."

"I am tired. I am so fucking tired but it's not my lack of sleep. It's me. You don't know what I have done. I am a fucking bastard. I am an asshole. I am monster. I couldn't sleep anyway. I am so remorseful. I'll wait for you till you finished your shift."

He opened the passenger door for me and I slipped in the car. The drive was still tense and silent. Edward was deeply plunged in his own thoughts. I kept staring at him under my lashes…trying to read his mind.

We finally arrived at the restaurant.

We walked in the restaurant and he went at a table near the window.

"Can you bring me a newspaper Bella? Something to distract me. I don't know if I'll be able to concentrate on anything except you…Jesus-Christ."

"I'll go and see Felix. Give me a minute. I'll come back as soon as I can."

I walked in the kitchen to see my boss. Felix was helping the cook.

"Hey Bella. How are you this morning? You look tired."

"I am Felix. I didn't sleep well. It happens sometimes but I'll be okay for my clients. How many tables do I have to serve this morning?"

"Just five honey. There are seven waitresses this morning. And Kate is here. You don't know her. She is the one you stood in for two weeks ago. She is standing for Lauren this morning. Damn flu…It is the first time she serves breakfasts. I think it will be okay."

"Okay then."

As Felix was giving the numbers of the table in my section, Kate came in the kitchen.

Felix introduced us and told Kate that I would help her if she needed too.

"So Bella, still seeing Edward?" Felix asked me.

"Yes. We hang out from time to time. We went to the museum yesterday. I had a nice time. First experience for me. And Edward knows so much. He is so cultivated. I loved my afternoon."

"Good then. Okay girls. Back to work. Some clients must be hungry."

Kate followed me and grabbed me by the arm.

"Is it Edward Masen the guy you are hanging out with?"

"Yes"

"When did you meet him?"

"Two weeks ago…Why do you ask?"

"You seem a nice girl Bella…Maybe I should mind my own business. Watch out Bella. This guy is a womanizer."

"Oh…what…urgh…How…How come you know Edward?"

"I don't know him personally. He comes here very often. I always work at night. Every times he comes here; he is with a different girl."

"Yes, I know he comes here often. These girls are his employees."

"That is what he told you. Well, maybe I should keep my fucking mouth shut but he is very close to his employees."

"What the fuck do you mean by very close?"

"Well, if these girls are his employees, the way he behaves with them is very strange."

"What do you mean by very strange?"

"He looks like he is a boyfriend not a fucking boss. I am sorry Bella. That guy lied to you. He kissed them and I mean not just on the cheeks. That guy is a fucking liar."

"Are you sure it is him?" I almost snapped at her.

"Sure as fucking hell Bella. And what is weird is that all the girls he eats dinner with, just fucking look like you. So be careful. You seem a nice girl to me. I don't trust him at all. True…I didn't see him for the past two weeks. But…please watch out."

"Okay". I don't know him well. But fuck, he will give me some explanations. How can I concentrate on my job now? Can you serve him? I can't right now. "I am so confused."

"Okay Bella". It's fine with me. I understand. "

"And bring him a newspaper. I don't want to go to his table."

"Okay"

I walked back to the kitchen to tell Felix about the change. It was okay with him.

But I was not feeling okay at all. What the fuck? Was that the reason he didn't want to talk to me about his job? Was he even working? And if what Kate told me was the fucking truth?

Was he a womanizer? I knew he had a way with girls. Was he trying to seduce me? Like he did with his so-called employees.

Was he just a fucking façade? But he admitted he was not proud of his past. He told me that he was a fucking bastard and an asshole. He told me that he was a monster. He told me that he was a bad guy. Was it all the truth? Was he really a monster? And he said that I wouldn't want to see him when I knew the real him. Was it his way to manipulate girls?

That we felt pity for him and that we fell in love with him.

Sure as hell, he would answer all my questions. Sure as hell he would tell me everything about him. No way was he going to hide himself behind lies. As sure as my name was Isabella Swan, Edward was going to tell me the entire truth, not just a part of his life; all his life.

EDWARD

There was definitively something wrong. Why wasn't Bella serving me? Why didn't she come to my table, as she usually did? I had the feeling that she was avoiding me. I kept staring at her but she didn't look at me…as if she was ignoring me.

And that waitress who was talking to her earlier. I knew her. When I was coming at the restaurant with one of my girls, she was the one usually serving us.

Fuck! What did she tell to Bella? That waitress knew that I was taking different girls on dates. She didn't know what my real job was though; that I had been not so far ago a fucking pimp. But she obviously noticed that I was dating different girls. What a fucking idiot? I didn't even think that someday, some think like that would happen. I was surprised that Felix didn't talk to Isabella. True…He was often in the kitchen and maybe he didn't notice that all the girls were different. Maybe because they looked so much alike, he thought it was the same girl. I was now a real bunch of anxiety.

I was staring at Bella when she walked to the restroom. I followed her. Maybe she would tell me something…I didn't know. I was leaning on the wall when she walked out of the restroom.

She looked at me with angry eyes. Fuck…She looked furious.

"Bella, is there something wrong? Why aren't you serving me? You didn't come to see me once." I asked in a hesitant voice.

"Yes, there is definitively something wrong Edward. But I am busy right now. Go back to your table and wait. I am finishing my shift in one hour. You owe me explanations Edward. I am very upset. You better spill the beans. You better tell me truth; all the truth".

"That waitress talked to you, didn't she?"

"Yes she did…And what she told me is very ugly Edward. I hope this is a crass error, I sincerely hope for you."

"Will you at least give me the chance to explain everything about my shitty life…Will you hear me out?"

"I will Edward…from your first word to the last one; that I can promise you."

"Okay"

I walked back to the table. Bella would give me the chance to explain myself but I was almost sure it was a lost case.

I waited for Isabella till her shift was completed.

She came to my table and told me she was ready to go.

I asked her if she would mind to come to my house. I couldn't talk in a crowded place. The topic of the discussion was far too delicate and I didn't know how she would react.

She hesitated a bit and then she agreed.

She followed me to my car and I drove home.

The drive home was very tense; none of us speaking.

I parked the Volvo, turned of the ignition, slipped out of the car and opened the passenger door for her.

She followed me in the house and I offered her a beer.

We climbed the stairs, our beers in hands and we went into my bedroom.

I sat on the bed and she sat on the couch.

That was my turn now to tell her about my past; as I was already in hell, I began to talk.

"Okay Bella. I am going to tell you about my life… But remember your promise. You have to listen to me. I'll answer your questions as well. But there are some things I can't tell you. I would be endangered and so would you; but I will be as honest as I can. I promise."

"What did you do that could endanger your life Edward?" she asked me in a suspicious voice.

"Listen please…You'll judge by yourself after."

"Okay then."

I began to tell her about my childhood first. I told her about the bullies at school who threatened me, who beat me, who secluded me in class and who made my life as a child a living hell. I told her about the fear that was in my heart every fucking day. I told her that I endured it for three fucking years before I lost my control. I told her about my dog who was killed…I was absolutely positive by my intimidators. I told her about the dead rat I found in my schoolbag the last day I went to that school.

"Why didn't the teachers or the principal or your parents take care of that shit?" Why did they leave you alone? You were just a little kid…I don't understand."

"They didn't know anything Bella. I didn't want to talk about it. I was so fucking afraid all the time and they were always threatening me." I was afraid they would hurt my parents. So I kept my mouth shut till the day one of them put a dead rat in my schoolbag."

"Then I lost my control. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. I can't blot out this awful memory from my mind."

"I am so sorry Edward. It must have been very traumatic for you. I can't even imagine."

"It was Bella…It was. My parents decided to sell the house. I was living in USA at that time, in a little town named Forks. Someday, I will return to that place and find those guys. I swear. I don't know what I will do but they will pay me back. They ruined my life. I made very bad choices after moving out from Forks, but fuck…they are the first one responsible. I'll have my revenge.

Bella didn't say anything. There was rage in her eyes. I could feel it.

"When we moved in Montreal, Canada, I was pretty happy. It was a new environment and nobody knew me. But I was not the same kid. The venom was in my heart. Nobody would hurt me ever. I began to attend boxing classes and went to the gym. I had a personal fitness trainer and I trained a lot. My body was very important. I was growing up and I knew I was a gorgeous teenager. I became acquainted with a gang. All I was looking for was bad people. From being the intimidated, I became an intimidator. Those were bad choices but at that time I didn't fucking care. I had that power over girls and boys and I used it.

"I began to sell drugs; not hard ones…the other boys in the gang were the one to sell hard drugs but I was the starting point. If the boys and girls I sold weed to, wanted to try more effective drugs that was not my fucking problem."

"Oh…Edward… That was so very wrong. Why did you do that? Nobody knew you. It could have been completely different for you. Why?"

"I can't answer to that question Bella. I don't know why. I still don't know why. I think it was maybe the only way I found at that time to protect myself."

"I had a lot of girls. I had sex with a lot of them. But I didn't fucking care about them. I used them for my own pleasure and that was it."

"I stole cars. I broke in houses. I was a member of this gang and I did what they asked me to do."

"I didn't care about school either. I ridiculed the teachers and didn't give a fucking damn about what they were teaching. But I had good marks. I was a self- educated…I mean…just looking in the books was enough for me. I didn't have to listen to them. I got my high school diploma with the highest marks. I guess that was why I was not expelled from high school."

"After high school, I went to live with a member of the gang. One day, I came home with a stolen car. My parents didn't know how to deal with me. They knew I was part of a gang. I didn't tell them but they guessed. They knew I was selling drugs too but they didn't want to denounce me. Maybe they should have." But they loved me…I guess that was the reason why they didn't call the cops."

"I was seventeen when I left my parents' house. I haven't seen them till that day."

"My father clearly told me that I was not his son anymore."

"Now Bella…That is the hardest part. For me, it is. But before I tell you, you must know that it is not my life anymore. I swear on my mom's life. I left my life; I left my job…because of you. I couldn't live that life anymore. I feel so guilty. You don't know how guilty I feel."

"I'll begin a new job tomorrow. I will work in a restaurant as a bartender. I will go back to school too. I am waiting for my letter of acceptation. I met the counsellor last Friday and he told me that my chances were pretty good."

"But I am so fucking afraid of your reaction. Jesus-Christ Bella…Please forgive me."

"I am listening Edward. Don't be the judge of your own turmoil."

"When I met you at La Stanza, I was with a girl."

"Yes you told me that she was your employee…Was she?"

"Yes she was."

"Kate told me that she saw you with different girls and that you were not looking like a boss; that you were looking like a boyfriend. Is that true?"

"Yes…She saw me with different girls. All those girls were my employees."

"And why were you kissing all of them? …Fuck Edward, I don't understand at all."

"They worked for me and I was also a kind of boyfriend."

"What the fuck? Did you sleep with your employees?" What kind of job was that?"

"I slept with them…yes… I was their protector…"

"What the fuck do you mean Edward? You were their protector…Were you a fucking pimp?"

"I was Bella…I am so sorry…I know I was a monster…But I swear to God…I left them…I don't see them anymore. I left the gang as well. Please Bella…don't leave me.

Please, forgive me. "

Bella was silent. Her face was torn with an expression of pain and chagrin. I saw the depth of her pain and tears formed in her eyes.

I took a deep breath and tears welled out of the corners of my eyes. A heavy wave of nausea rolled in my stomach. My hands were shaky. I ran to the bathroom and brought up all the food I ate in the morning.

When I came back in the bedroom, Bella was still on the couch. She was numb with grief; tears streaming down her cheeks."

My throat was too thick to talk.

We were staring at each other; tears running down on my cheeks too. I didn't know what to do.

Then, after what seemed an eternity she began to talk.

"Edward... What you did? ...I don't have a word strong enough. That repulsed me.

Why?"… Those poor girls. I should denounce you."

"Who was your boss?" What are the names of the boys of your gang? You couldn't be alone…doing this…That is absolutely fucking so monstrous."

"I can't tell you that Isabella. I can't answer to that question. I have to carry this secret to my grave. They would kill me. They would hurt you. We have a law in our gang; no betrayal, no denunciation. Please, don't do anything to put your life in danger. I don't fucking care about my life. But I could not live with the thought of you being hurt."

"That is so fucking sick. Edward…"

"I know Bella. I know. You don't know how much I hate myself."

Bella was still deeply disturbed. I knew it would be hard for her to forget and forgive; if ever she would be able to forget and forgive.

"Edward…You do understand that I am in shock right now. But I think it is in my nature to be fair."

"About four things I am absolutely sure though."

"First, I agree with you. You were a monster."

"Second, I am sure you told me the entire truth."

"And third, I don't know if I'll be able to forget your past…but I'll try."

"And fourth, I do forgive you…because you had a hard life and maybe I could have done very bad things too. I cannot condemn you. I have to trust you."

But, don't disappoint me ever…You want to change your life and that is great. You seem to want to take yourself in hands."

"You must promise me that you'll never see that gang and those guys. I hate them. I know these were your choices. Nobody forced you. But they are living a life I can't approve of."

"If ever one of your former employees need help, I want to know. I won't ask any questions to them but if I can help them I want to."

"There must be hope for these girls Edward…I am fucking serious about that."

"I like you Edward. I still like you. I don't like the guy you were before. But you are not the same. I see enough pain in your eyes to feel that you immensely regret what you have done in your past."

"Don't deceive me…ever…"

"I won't Bella. I won't. I will never deceive you."

I stood up and took Bella in my arms. I squeezed her in a tight embrace, tears running down on my face. She threw her arms around my waist.

I would prove her that I could be a good guy. My shitty life was behind me; a spasm of hope made my heartbeat accelerated.

A new life was beginning.

End of chapter 11

A/N: I hope you loved this chapter.

Now Bella knows about Edward's past and she is forgiving him.

But will she forget? Only she knows. And she said Edward knows the entire truth about her life…almost…Is there a part of her past that she wants to keep secret as well? ...

What do you think?

Will they help each other?

At least, there is hope for the two of them.

They both want to have a better life and they want to be happy.

I would like to read your comments.

Give me love and review.

Love you France xxx