A/N: Hello to my readers. Thanks to all of you who follow me. Thanks to my new readers too.
My mother tongue is French. I do try very hard to write a text with no mistakes in it. If there are mistakes, please excuse-me. I love English. I don't master the language completely yet. But it is my ultimate goal. And writing in English is a challenge for me. It keeps my brain working a lot harder.
The characters belong to S.M. But in HOPE, they belong to me.
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HOPE
Chapter 12
WHO I AM TO JUDGE?
BELLA
The shock had worn off, and I was myself again.
It was in my nature to be fair. I had to give Edward a chance to prove me that he could change.
When he was talking about his childhood, how lonely he was, how frightened he was, how sad and distressed he was, I could almost touch his pain. I could see all the sorrow in his eyes; his green eyes swollen with tears. My heart was suffering to see his expression of chagrin.
I knew how it could feel to be secluded. I'd endured my share of loneliness; never loved, never cared of, never wanted. I didn't think my own mother ever wanted me, not to talk about my own father. The only time I felt being loved was when I was living with Esme.
Edward seemed so devastated while he was telling me about his life as a young kid. I could picture him; a small, sensitive boy lost in his own world, not being able to fight against his bullies; the monsters who had made his childhood a living hell.
I stared at him and felt how lost he should have been at such a young age. His sorrow brought tears to my eyes. Maybe, I had been a stronger child than he was at that time.
I had been so much mistreated; battered, famished, neglected and abused that I hid my hatred behind walls of aggressiveness, indifference and selfishness. I hardened my heart and I steeled it against any emotions.
At school, nobody dared to provoke me. I was so aggressive and violent. Even in the early years of high school, though I was not that present, nobody tried to confront me. I was not a member of a specific gang. Students were kind of afraid of me. True…I was sort of friendly with the hardest teenagers in the school but I didn't want to belong to anybody. I had no freedom in the foster homes; I had to have a kind of freedom at school. And there was that blackness in my eyes, that evil look; I guessed students thought that I was weird and sort of insane.
While living with Esme, I gradually changed. She made me realize that this world was not only cruelty and malice. She showed me that there were good people in the society. There was love and happiness and some people I could completely trust. I believed her, till the shadow ruined everything she had succeeded to shape day by day.
And then, while I was on the streets again—I was almost positive—God, even if I was not a strong religious believer, was with me this time.
I knew girls who had not been lucky as I was; lucky…being a very weird word to use…due to all the shit I had gone through.
I was lucky enough not to have been approached by a gang or pimps. And My God, when I was thinking about it—it could have been Edward on the streets who would have tried to get a hold over me and I could have fallen into his clutches.
That part of his life was the hardest part for me to hear.
My eyes were frozen wide when he told me about his teenager life, as a member of a gang and as a drug dealer; how he used his power to attract girls and to have sex with them. How he didn't give a shit if the girls became addicted to harder drugs.
Worst, when he told me that he had been, not so far ago, a fucking pimp. All those girls—these girls who were his supposedly employees were prostitutes—and he was their pimp.
I could feel my stomach twisted and contracted in revulsion when he spat out these monstrosities to my face. And his face was twisted in remorse. I had this sharp pain in my heart, this acid taste in my mouth. I could feel tears burning in my eyes, a knot in my throat. I was numb with pain and disgust.
Edward had been a pimp like my own fucking father. His girls were—as he called them—fucking whores.
But could I judge them? And could I judge him?
I certainly could not judge the girls. They were poor, weak girls, in need of affection and love. I knew how pimps were working; using their charms, promising a better life, treating those girls as princesses, manipulating them till they fell in love.
When I heard Edward vomiting his food, it was as if he was puking up his own life. It was so hard to even imagine that he was one of them. My heart squeezed inward painfully just with this horrid thought. My heart was broken just by the thought he had been such a horrendous and despicable guy.
I was different from Edward. I reacted differently—but what if I had chosen the wrong path—what if God had let me down.
My life was better now. I had goals. I was sort of happy.
I still wanted Edward in my life. I hated the person he was before. The single idea of him having been a pimp still repulsed me.
But deep in my heart, I knew I loved the man he was now. But this, he would not know; not now. I didn't know him when he was a bad guy. I didn't know him when he was a monster.
The guy I knew was a good guy; attentive, generous, sensitive and cultivated.
I would take my time; hanging out with him from time to time. I wanted to see with my own eyes, how willing he was to change. I would go out with my friends as well. I would go out with Harry. I didn't need a monster in my life. I had dealt with enough monstrosities in my existence so far. All I needed was happiness. And I would find my happy place; with or without Edward.
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EDWARD
It had been a very long night. I hadn't slept yet, though the sun was far up in the sky. I was relieved though; the weight was finally of my shoulders and my chest.
Bella knew everything about my horrid past. I could feel the repulsion in her eyes when I told her that I had been a pimp. Her expression hardened when I told her the way I used my power to recruit the girls. I saw the disgust flash in her eyes.
I had this pain in my chest; sobs bursting up through my lungs when I was telling her about my shitty life.
I realized now how a bastard I was. I had made the wrong choices and people were suffering because of me. I was so afraid Bella would walk out of my bedroom without a backward glance at me—but she didn't.
I was so worried now. I could barely think straight. I couldn't concentrate on anything either. The turmoil I had in my head was still there. What if she didn't want to see me anymore? Even if she told me that she was forgiving me…What if she had changed her mind?
I couldn't change my past. What was done was done. But I could change my life from now on. I would prove to Bella that I was a good guy; deep inside me was a beautiful person. I knew it. Just hoped she would give me the chance to prove her, that I was not a bad guy.
It was around one in the afternoon when I decided to go downstairs. Stefan and Randall were in the living room, watching a football game.
"Hey Edward, how are you?" Randall asked me.
"I am exhausted. I didn't sleep a wink. Fucking nervous about my new job. I am beginning to work tomorrow. I never worked as a bartender. Hope everything will go fine"—that was what I told him, evidently hiding the real cause of my insomnia.
"You shouldn't worry about working in a bar. With the face and the body you have man; all those chicks will be crazy about you." Randall added, winking at me.
"Well, I am not interested in girls. I have one girl in my mind. Those other chicks, I don't give a fucking damn about them. They can give me generous tips though, that I would really appreciate. But they shouldn't expect anything from me. My heart belongs to one…That's it."
"Who is this lovely girl? Are you dating her?" Stefan asked.
"We are hanging out from time to time. Not dating her yet. We are dealing with some shit right now. Just hope we will be able to get through it."
"So…It is not only the job that is worrying you?" Stefan said.
"I don't like to talk about my personal life…But you are right…Both the girl and the job worry me. I am hungry guys, so excuse-me, I'll go out and eat something."
"Bye Edward. See you." Randall said.
"See you."
I walked to my Volvo, unlocked the door and slipped in it.
Should I call Isabella? I was just a bunch of nerves. Was she okay? Did she want to see me again? I had to know. I took a deep breath. Sweat was running down on my face. My hands were moist and my heart was constricted in my chest.
I called her. At least, I would hear her voice. I would know if she was still my friend.
At the third ring, she answered. My voice was shaking and I had trouble breathing normally.
"Hello"
"Hi Bella. It's Edward. I'll go straight to the point. I am a real bunch of anxiety. Can I see you please?"
She didn't talk for a few seconds; those seconds seemed an eternity for me.
"I don't know Edward. I am fucking exhausted. I had a very restless night. I have an exam tomorrow. I have to study."
"Please Bella, just a coffee. I need to see you."
"Okay then. I am waiting for you. Just a coffee Edward. I do seriously have to study this afternoon."
"Okay Bella. I am going to be in front of your door in ten minutes."
I was so fucking happy. She still wanted to see me. I couldn't control the tremors that were shaking down my spine. Bella was still my friend. Maybe, at last there was hope of a very happy life for me; a life with Bella in it.
She was already outside when I parked the car. I slipped out of the car and almost ran to open the passenger door for her. I squeezed her in a tight embrace and kissed her on the cheek.
"Oh thank you Bella. I was so fucking afraid that you wouldn't want to see me anymore. Thank you…Thank you so much"
"Edward, I am not the one to change my mind. I told you that I was forgiving you and that I would give you a chance to prove me that you are taking your life in hand. I have one word. You promised me that you were willing to change. Just don't forget your own promise though…Don't deceive me."
"I won't Bella. Trust me on that one. I will never ever deceive you."
I drove my vehicle to the Tim Horton. I took a coffee for myself and a cappuccino for Bella. I bought all-buttered croissants. We sat around a coffee table and began to talk.
"So what exam do you have tomorrow?"
"An exam on French grammar. I like French though it is fucking difficult; all those verbs and the genders…Fuck… I do have to memorize almost all the words. There is no other way."
"Yes", French is difficult. C'est très difficile. But it is a beautiful language. La langue de la romance—La langue de l'amour…It is very difficult…The language of romance…The language of love."
"You speak French?"
"Yes, I speak French fluently. "
"Jesus-Christ Edward. What else are you hiding from me? When did you learn French?"
"I watched French TV a lot. I read many books. I am a very quick learner. I learnt it at school as well."
"Fuck…You are so clever. I didn't know you spoke French."
"I do. I can help you if you want."
"You should give me private lessons; good in maths, in sciences, in arts…What else? What is your IQ?"
"Higher than the average. Compared to Einstein…Now I am embarrassed Bella. You must now really wonder why I scrapped my life. It could have been much better. I know. I chose the wrong path but I'll remedy to this situation; the sooner, the better."
"I know you will Edward. I hope you will."
"Trust me honey. I'll do it for you and for me. I so much want to be a better guy for you."
"Do it for yourself Edward. I don't carry a lot of weight in your life and in your decision to change your lifestyle."
"You don't see yourself very clearly Bella. I don't want to lose you. I like you a lot."
"I have something to tell you Bella. I don't want to hide anything from you."
"What?"
"I know I promise you not to contact any members of the gang."
"Yes, Edward…You promised. I hate them."
"I will have to call the leader."
"Why? Bella asked in a furious voice.
"Because I am worried about the girls". I added in a husky voice. "I just want to be sure they are okay."
"Okay Edward. Just one condition though. You will call him when I am with you. I don't want to control you. And you just talk about the girls; no drugs dealing, no dirty business. And remember, if any of your former employees need help I want to know. I was serious about it and I am still fucking serious."
"Okay Bella."
"I want to ask you a question Edward and I want an honest answer. How were you with the girls…I mean as a pimp. Did you ever mistreat them? Did you ever beat them?
Did you ever threaten them?"
"Never Bella. I swear on my mother's life. I was not that kind of a guy. I would never ever hit a woman. I despise men who beat a woman. I despise parents who hit their kids. I would never lay a finger on a woman or a kid. That is why I want to call J…I mean the leader."
Jesus-Christ, I almost said Jake…control your fucking damn mouth Masen, I thought inwardly.
"Call him now, Edward. I am here and I want to know how the girls are."
"Urgh…Okay"
I called Jake. He answered at the first ring.
"Hello. It's Edward. How are you?"
Bella was staring at me with all the intensity of her chocolate-brown eyes.
"How are the girls?"
Bella was biting her bottom lip; a real sign of anxiety.
"Okay good. Umm….No, I don't want to hear about your business. I am out of that shit. Sorry…"
Bella was fidgeting on her chair.
"Okay. If there is a problem with the girls, please call me. Bye.
Then, I hung up.
"So Edward. What did the bastard tell you?"
She evidently hated Jake and the gang.
"Everything seems okay."
"How can you be sure?
"I trust him Bella. I know you can't understand it but he would never lie to me. He was a brother for me."
"Well…a very nice family you had." Bella added in a sarcastic tone.
"Let's not ruin our moment together Bella. I would like to erase my past if I could but I can't. "
"Okay Edward…maybe he was a brother to you but I still hate him for what he is."
"Bella please…"
"Okay Edward. It is just that I hate that kind of guy. So, you are beginning your new job tomorrow. Are you nervous?"
"I am a bit nervous. I never worked in a restaurant. I don't know if I would be a good bartender."
"Oh, I am sure you will. You are sort of beautiful Edward. The girls will be crazy about you. "
I started to laugh.
"You think I am sort of beautiful, really?"
"Masen, don't try to dazzle me. You know you are gorgeous as hell. I am not blind Edward. Every girl here is fucking looking at you."
"I am not interested in any girl Bella; the only girl who interests me in sitting just in front of me. You are so beautiful."
"Okay Masen…Enough. You are embarrassing me. Don't ruin everything. We are just friends. And I want it that way."
"Friends …I know Bella. I told you I'd give you time and I don't mind waiting for you to think things through." I've got a lot of time and a lot of patience Bella.
"What do you mean Edward?"
"I like you Bella…I like you a lot…In fact, I am falling for you."
"You…What…You love me? …"
"I think I do Bella. "
"I can't promise you anything Edward. I like you a lot. Let's just be friends."
"I have a lot of patience Bella. You are in my life and I don't want to lose you."
"You won't lose me. Just don't deceive me."
"Trust me please. I have something to ask to you."
"What?"
"I am working on Saturday. I would like you to come at 'La Boîte à Marcus'. There is a band playing. It could be fun. I would like you to come."
"Well, why not? I would like to see you in action. Maybe, I'll ask the girls who are living with me to come too. Yes, it is a very good idea.
"Okay Edward…I do have to go home. It is almost 5:00. I really have to study."
"Okay ma'am…I'll drive you home."
I slung my arm around her shoulders. Friends could do that. Just hoped we could be more than friends.
I knew I was in love. This girl was mine. She was not ready yet. I would give her all the time she needed.
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A/N: End of chapter 12
I hope you liked this chapter. Edward is in love with Bella. There is a light at the end of his tunnel. This light is called Bella.
But is Bella ready? She wants to take her time. We know she is in love with Edward too…We know, but Edward doesn't.
There is finally hope for the two of them.
Give me love and review…I love reading your comments.
Love you France xxx