Disclaimer: Anything recognizable with any affiliated Final Fantasy VII products belongs to SquareEnix and not myself. Dan and the plot are mind alone, but if SquareEnix wants it, they're welcome to it.

Green Dreams

Chapter Twelve: Want to See it Painted Black

The parade had finished two days ago, but the streamers had yet to be cleared off the streets, along with empty bottles, torn banners, and any other paraphernalia left behind. It was dark and the moon was still out as Cloud looked both ways down the paved concrete, pausing to watch the way a shred of a banner that proclaimed the General's wonder tumbled away.

There was a sense he was trespassing, but it was only because he wasn't one of the citizens of the plate—not really.

The blond stepped off the curb and crossed the street, cutting through an alleyway and into a small grove of townhouses. They looked fancy at first glance: delicately ornamented railings, finely painted shutters, gilded windowsills. Cloud had seen these before while at Shinra, but now he could see what others didn't know to look for. The way they had no flowers, the tightly locked windows, the bolted-shut doors, the pervasive anxiety and fear that settled like a rash on the minds of all the upper-crust people. They might have been better off than those underneath them, but there was no solace in their anger and despair. They couldn't speak against their government, didn't come out at night for the unwritten curfew, and lived with a quiet paranoia that they even had trouble recognizing.

Cloud strode pass quickly without moving his eyes from the ground. He didn't want to look up and see the "No Trespassing" signs. Skimming briefly over the locked gates and to eye the sleeping dogs in the yards was enough. He didn't want to see the more subtle side of Shinra's power. It both saddened and angered him, but today he didn't want any more turmoil.

When the sun crested two days after Wutai War Memorial Day, there was only the faintest sign of dawn in the cadet barracks. Because the windows were so high up, only a pale glow out in the distance was visible in the dirty windows. Still, the cadets were so accustomed to waking up at daybreak that even that bit of sunlight irritated a stirring Reno. He grudgingly sat up on the bunk, habitually ducking his head to avoid the one on top, and rubbed his eyes, his mouth widening in a huge yawn as one bleary eye opened to look around. The edges of objects seemed off somehow, the corners of his vision blurry at first. It cleared up after a few moments though, and he opened the other, enjoying the lazy mornings he rarely had anymore.

As his eyes wandered the room though the good feeling he'd woken with disappeared. He didn't care that Kevin was still asleep and had morning wood, or that Dan was probably rubbing out a quickie under his sheet as he 'changed'. Reno's focus lay on Cloud's glaringly empty bed. The blond had even taken the time to draw his sheets up and fold them neatly with hospital corners. Reno wanted to sneer at the sheer dorkiness of Cloud, but settled for just sending a scowl at the oblivious Dan still shifting around under his covers.

The redhead dropped his look after a moment and ran his hands down his face in a sleepy gesture, failing to wake himself any more than he already was. He stood up slowly, avoiding the disorienting rush of blood to his head, and cracked each bone as he stretched, all the way down to flexing his toes for good fun. Feeling considerably looser than before, he treaded over to Cloud's bed and adjusted one corner of the sheet that was just slightly off, then headed to the bathroom before anyone realized he had risen.

When Shinra built the plate they turned the edges into essentially a giant balcony for the wealthy. These fine terraces were littered with gardens, benches, and scenic walks that offered spectacular views of the ocean or the mountain range behind Midgar. There were no clouds today though, from what Cloud could see, and his view was enormous. The sky was already getting that musty, sandy look that Cloud had learned was really the pollution manifesting rather than desert weather like some people thought. Even by his time the pollution was still lingering, though it got thinner every year.

Cloud was seated on the very edge of the plate; one of the areas Shinra hadn't turn into a stone garden or outdoor restaurant. There was only the solid concrete of the plate and a rickety rail preventing him from plummeting to his death. The plan for the edges of the plate worked splendidly, for the places that had nice landscapes to look out at least. For those that didn't—views that included empty swathes of desert and the SOLDIER training facilities out there—the backs of stores and restaurants blocked the view.

This spot that Cloud had discovered was at a corner, which Cloud had trouble understanding since Midgar was supposed to be circular in design, but no one ever said Shinra's architects were great. His legs dangled over the side, and the fear of falling seemed simple and laughable after all he had seen. He didn't always have this daredevil attitude, but last night's rest had been unpleasantly short. For some reason this day was like a death spell's counter over his head, reminding him of all the time he'd lost and all the wasted days he had in the future.

He'd been driven out of bed pretty quickly by his own thoughts, so he did his warm-ups a couple hours earlier than normal and gotten out of there fast. He slipped out of the cadet barracks and out of the compound, then cut through the backfields. There were no fences, just bushes that far out. No one with half a brain would really challenge a building full of chemically enhanced soldiers, so when the barracks were added later their backs were left open. The blond maneuvered through the shadows along the sides, relying on the height of bushes to cover him until he'd gotten far enough to slip out. He was out in a moment and making his way along the abandoned streets, knowing only a couple of patrols would be making round, but he would hear them long before they saw him. It was the dead hour of the night: too early to be awake, too late to be out.

"Yo. Thought I might find you here."

Cloud had turned up for lunch, probably because the food on Sundays was the best, but by the time Reno had gotten into the room the blond was already done eating and practically out the door. His behavior had seemed strange, but Reno had asked the right questions and done a little poking around and found him. He meandered into the area terribly proud at finding Cloud's niche.

The blond had heard footsteps and turned around as Reno walked in, looking like he had just walked into a bar and not a small training area. He had his hands stuffed into his back pockets as he slouched over slightly. His eyes were sharp despite his lax posture and were trailing up the walls, along the floor, and passing over Cloud like an unseen inspection. Cloud nodded at him after a calculated moment of just staring. Reno didn't look the least bit phased at Cloud's pointed look.

"What's got you all pissed off for?" Reno settled himself on the floor by one of the walls and made himself comfortable, clearly ignoring Cloud's generally angry disposition.

The blond turned away without answering, hardly in the mood to deal with Reno's attitude. People later on had known how to deal with these rocky days, and in cases like Vincent, understood it and experienced them himself. Hojo left no part of the soul unscarred, and some days those old wounds almost bled anew. Cloud had never seen a doctor about this—as though anyone could drag him near another lab coat if he didn't want to be there—but he guessed it was some form of PTSD. The blond was generally even-keeled, but sometimes the wrong mood, the right words—and in this case a day to set it all off—and he felt like clawing his way out of his own skin might help.

Tifa would skirt around him when it came on, just packing some food quietly and adding it to his bag on Fenrir. He might be gone for days at a time to burn off the sour taste in his mouth and erase the jolts of phantom pain he still felt, echoes from the lab. Here that wasn't an option. He couldn't just get up and fly away, and that steamed under his skin, though it was no one's fault really. He was still trapped in the building, in Midgar, in his mind.

That's why he hadn't left this spot all day since he got back. He'd gone straight here at seven a.m. when the gym doors opened, surprising the army guy on duty when he showed up as he unlocked the doors. Cloud had quickly grabbed one of the small gyms, built for platoon work and only designed for about eight men and their weapons. One guy had looked in, but seeing how angry Cloud was he'd backed out without comment. Cloud had the room to himself all day.

Reno could feel the blond's black mood rolling off him in waves, and it was part of the reason was Reno was sitting with his knees up rather than totally sprawled there. If Cloud decided to whip that sword he was holding in his direction, he wanted a running start.

The blond didn't seem particularly murderous at the moment, but he did seem very jumpy. Reno had a nasty feeling in his gut one wrong word would make him snap. Cloud's back to him, the blond lifted up the practice sword to swing again, but had hardly started the motion when another person called his name from the doorway, this time more exuberantly and far louder than before. "Hey Cloud!" Dan waved his arms frantically in the air as though Cloud could possibly miss him.

Reno visibly grimaced as Dan practically bounced over to Cloud. Reno thought the entire thing was nauseatingly gay. "I couldn't find you! Luckily, I saw Reno come here, so I figured he might know where you were if no one else did." Dan smiled at Cloud, but the blond just grunted in return.

Cloud lowered his sword from the ready position. He couldn't practice now that they both knew where he was. Annoyance flared through him, so strong his grip tightened on the sword and he had the sudden, immature urge to throw it. It was almost as bad as having to deal with his so-called fans from after Meteor, or the monsters running away near the end of a battle. They couldn't take a hint, could they?

"…So I thought maybe you and I could work on our materia together." Cloud had missed most of Dan's word over the sound of his own blood boiling in his ears, but it came back into his awareness at the innocent request. He still seemed unaware how angry Cloud was, and Reno either played the oblivious card or just wanted to rile him up some more. Either way, all their needy attachment did was feed the seething, frustrated anger.

"Look Cloud," Reno suddenly put in, "I was just wondering if you'd help me out with somethin'. See, remember that thing about Junon? Yeah, well, I've got tomorrow night cleared." The redhead leaned his head back against the wall, tilting it up at Cloud in a distinctly haughty way. Just that simple action, something far too reminiscent of the old Reno, irritated Cloud beyond belief, grating against his very nerve ends.

He could do this; he could be civil. His words still came out through ground teeth, but at least they weren't biting at the ends. "Monday's fine, but right now I need to practice." Cloud steadfastly didn't look at either of them; rather he spoke towards the wall in their general direction. Grey. Flat, blank, inoffensive. He could do this.

Dan hardly let Cloud finish his words before he jumped in. He sounded something like an offended child, but it disappeared as he got wrapped up in new ideas. "What about our materia practice? I can do it tonight, but what about Tuesday? We could get dinner together then head over to pick up the biggest room!"

Reno interrupted whatever else Dan was going to say, his pretentiousness clashing with Dan's enthusiasm in an argument that Cloud furiously worked to tune out, to let it wash over him because he was going to punch someone if they didn't give him some space. Cloud took some deep breaths but it didn't help the ire roiling in his veins, and he clenched his hands so tightly the nails would break skin any time soon.

Goddamnit, can't they shut up!

"Spike, there you are! Look, if we can just get these papers done real fast I've got a treat for you." Cloud didn't even look over. He could feel the air popping in his ears and he was sure his face was starting to turn red. More people that wanted something from him! Haven't they taken enough already?

He didn't shout. He didn't chuck his sword at the yelling voices, or swing out at anyone. He didn't do anything at all. He just dropped his practice sword and walked out of there.

"What happened?"

Cloud and Zack were seated on Zack's sofa in the living room of his quarters. The SOLDIER's furnishings were overflowing with his personality. There was a lava lamp on the low table casting liquid shadows on the thick carpet, and the glass coffee table had random magazines strewn about it, some for cars, others for fancy electronics, and strangely enough a collection of old "Got Milk?" ads. The cream-colored kitchen area could just be seen over the countertop, and the sink had dirty pots and pans piled up in it, many in bright colors that didn't match. Zack's coffee mug was sitting on the counter. It had a ferocious roaring gorilla on it and some joke about cavities on the back. The pillows on the couch were of every material, cut, and color imaginable, and somehow the hodge-podge managed to match the brown suede of the sofa. The windows were thrown open, the doors down the hall left ajar. It was a cheerful and open room, and it really helped Cloud's state of mind to sit in it and soak in the Zack-ness of the setting. This was a new thing in an old life.

It had been several hours after the training room incident, and Cloud had simmered down almost completely. After storming off, he had left the barracks for places unknown. The redhead knew better than to fan the flames if he didn't want to get caught up in the firestorm, and made a note that the blond was to be avoided when angry.

Zack had braved Cloud's terrible mood though, aware that he was tangling with something he didn't fully understand or know. Cloud had been unresponsive at first, not wanting to hurt Zack's feelings but also wanting simply to be alone and work out the aggression. But Zack hadn't gotten upset with him at all, obviously used to dealing with cold impassivity from Sephiroth and brush-offs.

After much heated glaring from Cloud and a lot of gentle coaxing on Zack's part, the blond grudgingly admitted the truth. "I just… I just don't want to deal with all the shit for a day. It's not… It's not a good day, and I…"

The fire was gone now, but Zack felt pretty sure the current morose mood could flip back to black any time. And the cursing…it was so uncharacteristic of the blond that Zack's worry grew tenfold—and where had he learned all that colorful language? There was something seriously wrong, and Zack wanted to know what had set it off so he could fix it.

But first came Cloud and his hair-trigger emotions today, so Zack had whipped out some coupons for a good Wutain place, half-dragged Cloud up to his quarters, and cashed in on his promise.

"Cloud?"

The blond hadn't answered his question, and though Zack knew it was a touchy subject, he was still curious. Cloud had been dangerously mad, a toxic anger Zack had never seen from the normally milder boy. Cloud normally came off as fairly innocent hiding behind a tough-guy face belied by his youth. That kind of ire though… it spoke of a lot of hidden troubles.

The SOLDIER prodded Cloud a bit with his chopsticks. Some of the sauce and what looked like a bit of the head of a broccoli spear stuck to his arm before rolling off. Zack didn't even pretend to look apologetic, if he even noticed.

"It's just a bad day."

…All right. Zack could pretend he believed that. For now.

"Well, have you been into Midgar yet?" Zack stuffed some more chicken and broccoli into his mouth as Cloud watched. The SOLDIER was quite adept with chopsticks, probably having eaten out many times before, and the blond silently envied him for it. Yuffie had always laughed at Cloud's abysmal ability with the confounded utensils.

"Yeah." Cloud stared morosely into his beef and fried rice, stirring up the contents with the wooden sticks. There were bits of green clinging to the remaining slices of beef, and the fried rice had been all mixed up inside with all the vegetables and bits of egg. There was so much of the rice left, since Cloud had eaten a lot of the beef that it had begun to look like the innards of a giant slug all poured into the carton. With that lovely thought Cloud put down his half-finished meal and stuck the chopsticks upright in the little bowl of white rice next to it.

"You know," Zack said pointing to Cloud's upright chopsticks, "That's supposed to be an offering to the dead." Zack stuffed some more in his mouth as Cloud stared blankly at his inadvertent memorial. "Did someone die today?"

"No." You died later.

"Did someone hurt you?"

Cloud swallowed hard and pretended he hadn't heard that last question, picking up his food so he had something to do with his hands. He didn't feel like he needed to hack and slash a monster into tiny pieces, but he still felt frustrated and annoyed at the world in general.

"…Midgar is a dump under the plate. Are they doing anything about it?" Vincent somewhere, most assuredly in his coffin, was wincing at Cloud's complete lack of subtlety. Cloud just needed to get off the subject and needed to shut the door before he let the thoughts consume him again.

Zack eyeballed him for a good long moment before giving in with a sigh. Cloud just clammed up and there was no use ruffling his feathers more or letting him just tighten the lock on his mouth. Zack was worried if he pushed too hard he'd drive Cloud out the door the way Reno had. He'd only known the kid two short weeks, and he didn't want to fracture their friendship.

"Naw, they aren't doing anything to clean it up. The tourists don't see it, so what do they care? But yeah, I used to go there more often. I had a girlfriend there you know." Zack picked up another chunk of broccoli dripping with sauce and effortlessly popped it into his mouth. He didn't seem to notice Cloud's growing awkwardness. "She was beautiful, a complete sweetheart too. You would like her Cloud. Very gentle, loving, friendly. She worked with flowers all the time; even had a church with some in it and her backyard was full of them. I'm pretty sure she sells them down there still."

Cloud shifted on the couch. Zack and Aeris had been an item, he knew, but that had been a long time ago for him. It reminded Cloud of the humiliating breakdown of his memory that made him think he was Zack, and therefore essentially Aeris' boyfriend, though he didn't put it together then. And now to think of the two together felt strange. Aeris was well…Aeris. She was sort of the sister to the world.

Zack spied the nervous movement but didn't say anything. "We dated for a while, but things didn't work out. She wasn't in favor with Shinra, and I just made it that much more dangerous. Plus, being in SOLDIER is full time, you know?"

Cloud nodded absently, hoping the conversation might steer away naturally. Zack was amused by Cloud's unease, showing his age more than usual. If Zack had to guess too, he'd say the blond hadn't been with anyone before and probably had something for the General. Most boys did at some point or another, hero worship and puberty mixing together. Even Zack had fallen to it when he was young, though thankfully that phase hadn't been long.

Zack threw him a lazy smile. "Well, what about you? Any girlfriends back in Nibelheim? Anything now?"

Cloud shook his head quickly. Tifa had been a crush that faded fast, and beyond that he only had eyes for one person. That hadn't turned out so well though.

"Nothing? Well Cloud, we'll have to find someone for you then, huh?" Zack's light-hearted joke and the easy nudge to Cloud's ribs were only distantly received. Cloud was thinking about the slim-to-none chances he had with his number one—history hadn't exactly been kind.

"Hello? Cloud? You're thinking about someone! Fork it over Cloud, I'll find out somehow anyway. Girl? Guy?" Zack's teasing banter embarrassed him though, and he couldn't find the words to say no. He wanted to say Tifa almost, if only to get Zack off his back, but he'd probably end up digging himself into a lie.

"Let me guess? Childhood sweetheart? Someone you're going back to once you're a big SOLDIER?"

Wow, Zack hit the nail on the head—if this had been a younger Cloud. Now the Tifa Cloud knew didn't exist yet, and he only had one reason for going back to Nibelheim. "No. I'm not thinking of anyone."

Zack just laughed. He didn't buy it and Cloud knew he wouldn't. Zack had an uncanny ability like that sometimes, probably from working with the General who could deliver any line flat. Cloud flushed a little more at the thought of the General, and Zack just grinned at him. It must have hurt his face from how wide it was, but the First Class SOLDIER didn't seem to care. "Gay then?" Cloud resolutely shook his head, but Zack knew better. "Hmm… it could be another cadet. Or a SOLDIER. Come on Cloud, spill it."

Cloud summoned up the same courage that had pitted him against Sephiroth and saved him against the Weapons, Jenova, and Hojo, for this. He looked Zack directly in the eye as he fed him the biggest lie he had probably ever knowingly told. "There's no one."

It was lying outright to Zack like that, which was discomforting, but Cloud didn't need the embarrassment or the scrutiny. This was the most harmless lie he could tell Zack—all the other ones would put the First in serious danger.

"Ah well, I'm sure we'll find someone for you soon. I'll keep my eyes peeled. I met Aeris when I was on this mission, and I had to land on this train, but it was going to the slums and…" Zack's voice trailed away as he chatted about his first dates with Aeris, describing her since he had no idea Cloud knew her at all, let alone as well as he did. It made Cloud a little nostalgic, but more than a little sad to think back on his own screwed up relationships.

Cloud had never had a girlfriend, despite his mother's hopes. On AVALANCHE it had been the absolute last thing on his mind, especially since it was Sephiroth they were chasing. Before AVALANCHE he'd been too shy to experiment.

Then… the mansion. It was probably the worst place for a first experience. Hojo kept his lab rats separated for the most part, and though Zack and Cloud were next to each other in mako-bath tubes, they were eons apart. Every month or two these temporary test tubes would build up with grime and dirt from bodily fluids. So while they were cleaned and no tests were being run, Zack and Cloud got a few hours to see each other without the glass between them. Though far too weak to do much with all the drugs in their system and the mako exposure, any human touch was better than the unrelenting cold. So Cloud and Zack had gotten as close as possible—and closer still.

It didn't matter that the floor was solid metal. Or that they were shivering, dosed with sickening amounts of drugs, covered in puncture marks, half blind and almost brain dead. None of that mattered. Lips on skin, hands on neglected places, the building warmth, the flush, the climax, the aftermath. Those moments, when they could barely string words together, when touch was the only communication they still had, those moments were what Cloud had lived for in that place. He couldn't dream of escape, but he could dream of those, and for those moments when he saw stars at Zack's hand, mako tubes, laboratories, and glinting glasses were forgotten.

"Hey Cloud, you've never slept with anyone, right?"

Cloud's mind jerked back into Zack's apartment, not fully aware he'd been drifting off like that, thinking about him and Zack… Technically, in this body, he was still a virgin, though in his experience he had slept with others before—including, ironically, the man next to him. His hesitation must have given an answer to Zack anyway.

"Thought so. Aeris and I never got that far, but she was certainly pretty enough. But she was the kind of girl you marry and do right by, you know? I'll definitely take you down to meet her sometime. She's worth it because she's the most beautiful thing there. But she's modest, always says the flowers outshine her…" Zack's enamored rambling sounded like he still liked her, though Cloud knew somehow it wasn't like that. The SOLDIER still thought of her, still found her beautiful, but he would never try the relationship again. Cloud wondered if the First had other ways to scratch the itch, since he didn't know of any other serious relationships Zack had before.

During AVALANCHE's time, Cloud had been far too busy to consider sex at all, and the outlet for most of his aggression was all the fighting they did. When things slowed down afterwards, the increased libido of mako seemed to rear its head. Cloud had found an unlikely partner, one who he could let go with unabashedly, and understood the mako-driven need as well as anyone else could. They both agreed there was no emotional basis for it, only the trust that came with endless travel and fighting together, and shared horrors.

The only man alive that didn't wince at some of Cloud's scars was Vincent. Likewise, Cloud didn't linger over the man's patchwork of scar tissue that enveloped his body. They had an equal understanding, and sometimes, in Cloud's home or wherever Vincent happened to be, they would indulge themselves. It was even less frequent than Cloud's bouts with Zack, but gratifying still.

"Cloud! Cloud! Man, you are up in the clouds today." Zack shrugged with an easy smile on his face. Cloud just nodded slightly. Zack gestured to the food still sitting between them. Zack was fairly neat, but much to Cloud's embarrassment, there were bits of rice scattered about and droplets of sauce dotting his side of the table. "You done? Just toss everything out. Every time Seph comes over he complains about old Wutain hanging out in the fridge. Pet peeve or something."

Cloud tried not to look too interested in Sephiroth's visits to Zack's apartment, but couldn't stop himself from wondering if he had sat… Cloud almost jumped out of the seat before he did something stupid before scooping up a mass of white and cartons and their messy contents and dumping it into the trash. It looked late, as he glanced outside, maybe past curfew.

Zack came up behind him with the other pile of food and left over drinks, draining his root beer in one go. Cloud just dropped his glass lemonade bottle into Zack's empty recycling bin.

"Let me walk you back to the barrack so you don't get in trouble."

"It's alright. I can get back okay. They don't check our hallway until the second hour." As nice as Zack was being, and as much as Cloud wanted to spend time with him, he needed a few moments to digest the entire day. What had started so badly had ended with Cloud in a strange mood, fitfully between bittersweet and melancholy for the life Zack should have had.

Zack raised an eyebrow at Cloud's statement. "If you're sure. Just mention me if you get caught so I can pull rank and get you out of whatever shit they dump you with." Zack walked him to the door and patted his shoulder. "Night Spike. See you tomorrow."

Cloud went out into the hallway and turned back to Zack to catch the last of the man's smile.