A/N: Hello to my lovely readers. Thanks for your support and love.

My mother tongue is French. I do not master English completely but I do try very hard on writing a chapter with no mistakes. If there are mistakes in this text, I do apologize.

The characters belong to S.M. In HOPE, they belong to me.

This chapter was very painful to write. It deals with so much terrible past events. But my story is called HOPE…and there will be…

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HOPE

Chapter 15

There's a sad, sad thing about life today

I've been crying for this, more than I should say

I don't want to be alone

I've been broken, robbed and left to beg

For a home where I know I could stay

I don't want to be alone

Oh, the only thing I need is a place

That feels like home

There's a sad, sad thing about life today

I can't live with it, I only feel afraid

I don't want to be alone

It seems sad but you know it's all the same

If I don't do something I'll feel ashamed

I don't want to be alone

Oh, the only thing I need is a place

That feels like home…Bella

Bobby Bazini…Feels like home

SCARS PART 'B'

EDWARD

I woke up very early in the morning, even though I came home at the wee hours of the morning, after my first night working at 'La Boîte à Marcus'. I slept only three hours but I had to get up and to go to La Stanza to see if Isabella was feeling okay. I was too much worried to stay in bed and to try to get more hours of sleep. I could take a nap later in the afternoon before going back to work. I dressed in a rush and went out. The sun was bright in the morning sky without a trace of a single cloud. But I couldn't appreciate the sun this morning. There was too much anxiety in my heart.

I knew Isabella was in pain. Was I the reason of her turmoil? Maybe she finally decided not to see me anymore. Maybe she wasn't able to deal with my past. Maybe she was not able to forgive me. And maybe it was something else; the shadow…I had to know. I couldn't live with my doubts and fears. I couldn't live without Isabella in my life. There was no meaning of a life without her presence in it.

I drove the Volvo at La Stanza. The drive was tense. I was so anxious. There was nothing that could soothe my nerves. I tried to relax but I didn't succeed at all.

I parked the Volvo in the parking, turned the ignition off and walked in the restaurant. I was the first client. Felix greeted me and asked me to follow him at a table. One of the waitresses gave me a cup of coffee and a newspaper. I tried to read the headlines but I couldn't concentrate on a single line. It seemed an eternity before I saw Isabella. And fuck when I saw her, the look of despair and devastation I could see in her eyes was something terrible to endure.

Her pain was so intense. I could see all her grief on her face. Her pain was mine and I had to talk to her.

I asked her to follow me and she did.

As soon as we were outside I talked.

"What is going on Bella? Please talk to me…Please".

She couldn't say anything. Tears were running down on her face, sobs bursting out of her lungs; loud, painful sobs. All the pain I could feel through her sobs, made my heart broken in hundred pieces.

I snaked my arms around her waist and pulled myself closer to her.

"Please Bella…Say something…I can't endure seeing you like this…What is going on my love? ...Oh Bella…I love you so much. Let me help you."

I had to tell her that I loved her. I couldn't keep those words inside me. Those words were burning my heart. She had to know that she was the most important person in my life.

It took her a long time before she could talk.

And she finally admitted that she was in love with me. My heart stuttered and beat unevenly. It was about to combust and I had trouble breathing.

And she was so fucking afraid; afraid of loving me…Afraid of being loved by me and above all, afraid of being touched by me.

I knew it would be hard for her to make love to me; to give herself to me…mind, body, soul and heart.

I was feeling so much rage in my heart. The shadow had destroyed her life. He took her body…treating her as rubbish…treating her as a sexual object to satisfy his own bestial instincts.

How could she trust men? How could she deal with anything related to sex?

I knew sex was a repulsive thing to her. It meant pain and hatred. And my part now, was to show her, that making love to someone you really loved, could be the most beautiful thing in the world.

And I knew I had to be patient. And I would be patient. I would never ever impose anything on her. I would never force her to do something until she was ready. I knew it would be a long way before we could share that intimacy. My love for her was far more important than my sexual needs. And above all, Bella was the most important person for me, and I knew that, she would go through a lot of pain and turmoil before I could make love to her.

I will accompany her throughout her therapy. I would never fail her. I would be by her side and helped her, the best I could.

I wanted to have a meeting with Carmen Cope in short laps of time. I needed guidance too. I didn't know how to deal with sexual abuse. My girl had been raped and the repercussions of this monstrous act had left deep marks into her. I had the find a way to help her, the best I could. How did you break those walls? How did you make a victim of sexual abuse trust another man? What should I do first? What after the first kiss? How could I touch her without disgusting her? And how far could I go? I was in complete darkness and I needed help.

Those were all questions that should be answered. Bella and I were in this together. I would never deceive her. I would give her all the time she needed to find peace in her heart.

And Bella told me that she trusted me. She believed in me and in our love. Everything would be fine; no matter the time it took to heal her heart. Time was not important but our love was.

After her shift, I drove her to her meeting. I had to tell her about my job too. She was coming at La Boîte à Marcus' on Saturday. I had to tell her about the girls' attitude toward me. It always had been the same thing for me with the girls. I knew I was attractive and I couldn't do anything about it. They were behaving like girls in fucking need of sex, and at a time of my life, I found it quite funny and I took my pleasure anytime I was in need of sex too…and that was often. But now, I thought this was totally insane. I could feel their eyes on me and I knew that they were craving for me…Girls on a high level of hormones…as Bella had told me. But I didn't fucking care about those chicks… My Bella was the only one I cared for.

And she wasn't jealous. At least she told me that she wasn't jealous. I didn't know if I would have reacted the same way. Bella was beautiful and I didn't think I would appreciate anyone ogling and touching her. Just thinking about it and it made me almost angry.

I just hoped Saturday night- the girls would have some manners. I didn't want to embarrass Bella. But she told me not to worry about it. She had a bad temper and I was pretty sure she would find a way to deal with the chicks if they were trying to put their hands on me. Now that she was my girlfriend, I would introduce her as my girlfriend. Maybe that would help to stop the girls' enthusiasm and Maggie's enthusiasm as well. As long as the clients kept on giving generous tips to me; I needed that money. Just receiving the salary was not enough. The tips made all the difference.

I was in front of 'La Mission Bon Accueil' now. I kissed her beautiful sweet lips. I told her how much I loved her. Bella would call me after the meeting. I was as nervous as she was but I didn't tell her. She had enough to endure without having to deal with my own anxiety.

She slipped out of the car and walked in 'La Mission Bon Accueil'. I just hoped her first meeting with Carmen would help her to fight against her monsters. I drove back home and went to bed. It took me awhile before sleeping. I knew that my girl would have to deal with a lot of shit. But I would be with her, all the way along.

o*o*o*o*

BELLA

Carmen was waiting for me. She gave me a cup of coffee and invited me to sit on the couch just next to her.

"Bella. I am happy to see you. You know that I love you. I am here to help you. I know that it will be very painful for you. I am here to support you. This is how we are going to proceed. I will have to meet you more than once. You will have to talk though. I am here to listen to you and to answer to your questions as well. But my first role is to listen to you. The thing I can say before we begin this therapy is that there is help for you here, and that there is hope as well. Rape or sexual assaults not only cause intense physical pain but almost unbearable emotional pain, and I am here to help you through your tough times."

"Thanks Carmen. I don't know how to deal with that shit anymore. I kept it inside for such a long time; trying to forget it but now all the rage and the pain I have inside is ravaging my heart and making my life a living hell. I don't know what to say and how to begin."

"I don't either know how you have been able to keep all that pain inside of you. You didn't talk to anybody about the sexual assaults and the rape?"

"I talked about the rape…Esme knew, I left her a note before I left the house and I talked to Edward, but I never really talked to anybody about the rage and the pain I have in my heart. I never talked about my fears and my repulsion on anything dealing with sex. And now that Edward is in love with me and that I love him…I don't know what to do anymore. I am so fucking scared. "

"Rape is an extremely traumatic ordeal to go through Bella and you will need all the professional support we can give you here. You shouldn't have kept the rape and the sexual assaults a secret, as far as your emotions were concerned. I know it was hard for you. Nobody was really there for you at that time. Esme could have helped you but you chose not to talk to her. Can I just ask you why? You told me that she was a mother to you?"

"I was so ashamed. I was thinking I was a bad person. I was so scared that she would not want to see me anymore. I thought it was my fault. I was so confused at that time."

"Jason kept repeating me that I was a slut, a bitch and a little whore."

"And he threatened to kill me and to kill Esme if ever I opened my fucking mouth."

"And I am still so fucking ashamed. Why did I let him rape me? Why didn't I tell someone? I was so fucking scared of him. He told me that I liked it when he fucked me; that I was his thing. That I was his and that he could use me the way he wanted."

"And now that I have Edward in my life…I don't know…Am I worth of his love? I feel so dirty and I am so fucking scared when he will want to make love to me."

"You don't have to feel ashamed Bella. Jason was a deviant and a very sick person. It was not you Bella, it was him…He was a predator and you were his prey. He was a beast and you were his victim. And as far as Edward is concerned here, you must know that you will have to take as much time to cope with the consequences of the assaults as you need. Some days you will feel fine, but that does not mean that you won't be ever angry and afraid or revolted of what happened to you. "

"Yes…I know but the idea of sex is so repulsive. What the shadow did to me is repulsive"

"I know that hun. There is no word strong enough to describe what he did to you. Remember this darling…whatever Jason had from you…your body…it was not his…It was stolen from you. He had no right to touch you and to assault you."

"But Edward…He is not repulsive. I love him but the idea of making love to him disgusts me."

"Do you think Edward would treat you the way Jason did? Do you thing Edward is another shadow? Do you trust your boyfriend Bella?"

"Carmen, I know Edward would never treat me the way the shadow did. He would never ever hurt me. He is not like Jason. And yes, I completely trust Edward. He is so nice and so patient with me."

"You seem to have a very nice guy in your life Bella. You know, we are just beginning the therapy and it is very soon but somehow, someday you will see that making love to someone you really love is the most beautiful thing in the world. There is nothing repulsive about making love when you truly love someone."

"I do love him Carmen…more than my own life but the idea of sex still repulses me."

"You are not ready yet Bella. I will have to meet Edward as well. You both need guidance in your love relationship. He must be in total darkness too. I will have to help both of you. But remember darling there is hope for both of you."

"I am so ashamed of other things as well. How come if sex is so repulsive did I make blow jobs to strangers when I was living on the streets? And I hid things to Edward as well…What a fucking nice way to begin a relationship if I keep secrets from him?"

"How were you feeling when you did the blow jobs?"

"I disgusted myself but I had no other choices. I had to eat."

"So it repulsed you?"

"Yes, I hated it and I hated myself for doing it"

"Does Edward know that?"… About the blow jobs?"

"Yes he knows."

"What did you hide from him?"

"Well some guys touched me; touching my breasts, sucking my nipples, fucking me with their fingers…It meant more money…But nobody fucked me with their cock…That I couldn't."

"Why didn't you tell it to Edward?"

"I don't know. I fucking don't know. I didn't tell that to anybody…even Max the punk squeegee didn't know. I never told anybody. I even lied to myself; trying to push those thoughts away…as if I had never done those things…as if it was not me doing those things. My mind was so blurred at that time. It was like I had two personalities; the good girl and the slut."

"Bella….Don't be too hard on yourself. You are not a slut. All those actions are the consequences of the sexual assaults."

"Urgh…What?"

"Just as every person deals with bereavement in their own way, rape and sexual abuse survivors will deal with their assaults in different kinds of ways."

"But what does it have to do with my own behaviour…If I hated sex so much. How could I let the guys touch me that way?"

"You wanted to be touched in a sexual way to wash away the bad experiences. Those guys were nice to you weren't they?"

"Yes, they were nice. They even told me more than once that they loved me."

"See…you were seeking for love and affection…"

"Yes…But I was still disgusted. I don't understand."

"Were you disgusted when they touched you?"

"No…after…when I was alone with my thoughts. When I was with them I felt that they loved me. This is so sick."

"And now that I love Edward…I don't want him to touch me and I let others guys touch me. Why if I was seeking love, I let them touch me and now that I have found love I don't want Edward to do the same? And why do I try to push those bad acts away as if I never did them when I know what I have done? I am just a fucking liar and I can't face my own truth."

"Human reactions are not something that goes with logic Bella. I can't answer to that question. Maybe it is your own way to protect yourself."

"And don't judge yourself Bella. And I have something to tell before you go. You don't have to tell everything to Edward. He already knows a lot. These events are part of your past. Your past belongs to you, not to Edward. Everybody has a right to a secret garden. I am sure you don't know everything about Edward's past. Now what you have to think about is this life…you and Edward…your life together. Nothing is more important."

"I would like to meet you next week Bella. You have a lot to think about. And I want to meet Edward as soon as he can be available. I have to talk to him alone. Don't worry, everything that you told me is in confidences. I am not going to talk to Edward about your past…I mean the part he doesn't know…It is for you to decide what to tell him or not…I just want to give him some advices on your relationship; the way he should be with you. We will be in this together Bella; you, Edward and me. You have a right for a normal life Bella. You had your share of pain. It is about time for you to be completely happy. "

"Are you feeling a bit better now Bella? Was I of any kind of help?"

"Yes, thank you Carmen. Telling you this part of my past took off the weight I had on my shoulders and in my heart. Though I still don't understand why I keep denying those events…I will probably never understand."

"See you next week Bella and please ask Edward to call me. I need to see that boyfriend of yours." Carmen added, winking.

"I'll tell him and please he is my boyfriend…You'll see he is damn attractive but he is mine." I said laughing.

"Darling, I could be his mother. Don't worry. See you next week."

"Bye Carmen. Love you."

"Love you too Bella"

I went out of the office, feeling light-hearted. This part of my life, the guys touching me…I had never told to anybody before. Those memories were so deeply buried in my mind….as if I had never done them…as if they never existed.

Could it be true? …I read that sometimes, the subconscious could block out painful, traumatic events…as it was my case. Was it the way I found to protect my sanity? Maybe it was…

And would I talk about it to Edward? I was absolutely not sure if I wanted to talk about it. He knew a great deal of my life. Why add more? Was it an absolute necessity? I knew he would be able to deal with it…but what difference would it make? Would it add more turmoil in our lives? The fact that other guys had touched me after the shadow and that I was not ready to be touched by him.

I decided to keep this part of my life for me. It would be my secret garden. I knew Edward would not impose anything on me. But I had to protect myself and go at my own pace.

I took a cab and went home. I had those exams tonight and I had to study a bit before going to school.

But one thing I had to do before studying. I had to call my boyfriend; the man of my life.

Edward Masen, my love.

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End of chapter 15

A/N: I hope you liked this chapter. Bella is in therapy right now. Edward is with her. He will be her shoulder…and he will meet Carmen soon. He needs help too. He wants to love Bella the right way…and he will do anything to help Bella to go through her traumatic past.

Give me love and review.

Love France xxx