A/N: Hello to my readers.
My mother tongue is French. I do not completely master English but I try to write a text with no mistakes. If there are grammatical errors in this chapter, please excuse-me.
The characters belong to S.M. In 'HOPE' they belong to me.
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HOPE
Chapter 18
MEETING CARMEN COPE
He stole your body.
I'll give you your heart back…
Edward….
EDWARD
Today was my first meeting with Carmen Cope. I was really very nervous. I took a quick shower, towelled-dry, shaved, brushed my teeth and got dressed. I was too anxious to eat breakfast. I was sure my stomach would not be able to digest food this morning but I would stop to Tim Horton to get a coffee, on my way before the meeting. I had to stop at the mail too. Maybe my letter from the Cegep was in the mail. I was impatient to receive the answer…hoping that it would be positive.
I grabbed my keys, my wallet and my cell, put on my winter coat and my boots and walked out the house.
Snow was falling. The air was cold and crisp. I walked to the mailbox and took my mail. The envelope was there. I walked back to my car, opened the door and turned on the ignition. I sat there for awhile, looking at the envelope, too anxious to open it. I finally tore the envelope and read the letter, looking for a specific line.
Dear Mister Masen,
Le Cégep du Vieux Montreal is very happy with your registration in Juvenile delinquency….This is a confirmation that you have been accepted. Your classes will begin on Monday, January 28th….Oh God; I didn't even take the time to read all the documents. I had to text Bella now, before my meeting with Carmen.
I put the envelope on the back seat and took my cell.
E: Bella my love
I just received the letter
From the Cegep
Good news
I am accepted
I am on my way
To see Carmen
I'll call you after
Love you baby
Edward xxx
I put the cell on the passenger' seat and drove to Tim Horton. I stopped at the drive-through and ordered a coffee. The road was a bit icy, so I drove slowly. Now my life had real goals; being accepted to the Cegep was really important for me and doing everything I could to help Bella was ultimately important. I had to make this relationship work out. I would do anything in my power to make it work.
I was now in front of 'La Mission bon Accueil'. I parked the car, turned off the ignition, took my coffee and slipped out of the Volvo. God…was I a pack of fucking nerves. I took a deep breath and walked in the building.
I walked to the front office and asked for Carmen Cope. The girl, behind the desk, called her on her phone.
"Carmen, Mister Edward Masen is here…uhmmm….Okay."
"Follow me sir."
I followed the girl to Carmen's office.
The girl introduced me to Carmen. She welcomed me in and told me to take a seat.
"Hello Mister Masen…Edward…How are you?"
"Hi, Carmen, I am fine…though I am really anxious."
"I understand Edward. I am here to help you and I am here to help Bella too. We'll try to sort this out together; the three of us. Bella needs help and you do too."
"How will we proceed? How many meetings? How long will be the therapy?"
"As long as you need it. Everyone is different, everyone reacts differently. We are dealing with human's emotions here. So the therapy will last as long as both of you need it."
"Okay.… I want to help Bella. I don't know what to do. I love her you know and I know she loves me too. But I am so lost and so completely in the darkness. Thank you for your time and for your help."
"It is my job Edward, helping people. And I love Bella too. She had to deal with terrible ordeals. She had a terrible life and she suffered so much. But now, she has you in her life and you seem a real nice guy. She is happy now…I mean much happier than I first met her and I know it is a lot because of you; because you are her boyfriend and she loves you. She told me how much she loves you."
"I love her too. I don't see my life without her. I just hope to do everything the way I am supposed to do it. I don't want to hurt her in anyway. I am really patient you know. I think patience is my best quality. I don't want to rush her or to impose anything on her, till she is ready."
"You are talking about how to make love to a victim of sexual assaults, aren't you?"
I was red as a beet. I could feel my face going through all kinds of shades. Carmen was direct; no beating around the bush with her.
Carmen noticed that my face was cherry red.
"Don't be embarrassed Edward. That is the crucial point of the therapy. You are in love with Isabella and it is very normal that someday you will want to share that intimacy but it can take a long time. It will take a lot of patience and a lot of love."
"I am ready to make love to her but as I told you before, I won't force her in any way. I don't know at all how to proceed. We kissed and that's it for now. What is the next step? How she will react? I don't know and I am so afraid."
"Your reaction is normal Edward. Don't put to much pressure on your shoulders though. We'll take it step by step. Let me explain certain facts to you."
"The only rule when dealing with an abuse victim is very clear: There are no rules at all.
Each abuse victim can have different reactions and they must be allowed to take as much time as they need to cope with their assault. You know some days Bella will seem to be fine but it doesn't mean that the next day, or the next week or the next month she will not be afraid, or angry, or revolted at what happened to her. Just as every person deals with bereavement in their own way, so Bella will deal with her past assaults at her own pace and at her own schedule. And as I told you before…Every rape and sexual abuse survivors have different reactions."
"Some victims will react with revulsion to the idea of sex…As I think Bella is reacting right now."
"Some will want sex in huge quantities to forget and to wash away their bad experiences…and Bella could sometimes react that way. She could be very demanding."
"And some will find that the assaults have no impact on the way they wish to interact with their loved one. It can happen to Bella as well, because we know, through different studies, that some rape survivors can go through all these different reactions at different times during their recovery."
"Bella has been really mistreated Edward. So you must be ready and listen to her. It is likely that she will have periods when sharing sex with you will be the very last item on her list. You will want to make love to her but she won't…she can even stop you in the middle of a sexual intercourse. So, if ever she tells you to stop, you will have to….Go and take a shower and here…I will be very direct …take your own hand and finish the job yourself…It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or she doesn't desire you. It just means that she maybe has some flashbacks and that she can't deal with them."
"So if ever it happens while you make love to her…Back off…pressing her is a very bad thing. And if you do it…I mean pressing her and asking her for more, she could feel raped again. And you could lose her."
"Sometimes, Bella would want you to cuddle her. You will have to discover what level of physical contacts she wants. So pay attention to her, talk to her and ask her what she wants….and act accordingly."
"And….listen very carefully…find out whether Bella wants to talk about her past experiences. She will need to discuss about it from time to time. It will help her to evacuate the rage she still feels inside. The most important thing is listening to her."
"Remember Edward, whatever her assailant had from her, it was stolen. Bella probably feels that her sexual identity has been cheapened. And something more, when Bella will make love to you…remember what she is offering to you. She is offering you her body her soul and her heart. She is offering herself…to you…her body is a gift…being intimate with Bella is a gift… being intimate with you is a gift…so treat it as such."
"And always remember…you are not making love to a victim of rape. You are making love to a person. YOU ARE MAKING LOVE TO THE PERSON YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH.
"I understand Carmen but I am still in the dark…So please help me…How can I approach her? What do I have to do first? ... After I kiss her"
"Talk to her Edward. Cuddle her. Massage her back, her shoulders and her arms…Try to kiss her on the neck and ask her to look at you. She must see you and hear your voice. You can try to touch her breasts…very delicately… but always ask her if she wants to. Don't try to take her shirt off...let her do it…and she will do it when she will be ready. Ask her if it is okay…and tell her what you want to do. If she wants to…she will tell you. If you feel that she is badly reacting and if she tells you to stop…you stop immediately. And don't forget to tell her that you love her…as often as possible."
"I will Carmen…I will."
"And Edward…Take your time. Don't rush anything…Take it step by step…When she will be at ease with you, touching her breasts…you can move to another step. And remember it is not because you succeeded with something that it will be the same the next day. And Bella will want to touch you too…sometimes…I am sure…but ask her if she really wants it…One thing, I will have to discuss with Bella…she must be really honest with you. She will have to tell you what she is ready for. At this moment of her life, she is not here to please you….I mean…she could say yes to your advance and thinking otherwise. For the moment, you are the one to please her…not the other way around…"
"Thanks Carmen…Thanks a lot…."Bella is the most important person in my life. I want her to be happy and I will do anything in my power to make her happy."
"I know you will…Anything else you want to talk about?"
"Yes…But I am very embarrassed and ashamed….I would like to tell you about my past. I think I am a good guy now and I owe a lot to Bella. But I was a very bad guy before and sometimes I am so afraid that Bella will resent me for what I did…Though she said she forgave me….but will she ever forget?"
"Tell me Edward."
"Please don't judge me."
"I don't judge people Edward. I see a lot of people dealing with shit….dealing with their present life or their past. I am here to help."
"Thank you Carmen".
And I began to talk about my childhood and the pain I had endured, dealing with intimidation and fear. How much I was hurt by my abusers and how much I was afraid and alone. I told her about my teenager's life….selling drugs….intimidating the students at my turn. I told her about the gang and my way of treating girls regarding sex. I told her about my shitty life, stealing cars and breaking in houses. And I told her about my recent past as a pimp and the girls working for me.
After what seemed an eternity, Carmen knew everything about me; my first meeting with Bella…what were my first intentions and then, discovering that I was falling for her. I told her about my new goals-my work as a bartender, my acceptance to the Cégep and my ultimate goal…living a happy life with Bella. I told her about the hatred I still felt for my intimidators and my intention of having my revenge. She knew everything. She knew everything about Edward Masen.
"I am sorry Edward…I am so sorry…You dealt with pain too. I don't think your choices were the good ones but I understand. Maybe, at that time it was your way to survive…I think you'll need my help too…Revenge is not a good thing….That was part of your past and what would it give to you? …Satisfaction? …maybe you think it would give you satisfaction…but I don't think it will. With your past and your new objectives, you would be of a great help with kids and teenagers who are dealing with a hard life. I think you should really concentrate on that."
"But I hate them so much."
"You will always hate them Edward; even if you have your revenge. What those kids did to you….You won't ever forget…that is a part of your past and you can't forget your past…"
"I know, I won't forget my past….so I guess Bella won't either."
"Your past is not Bella's past….She didn't know you then…She knows you now…and she loves you. That is the important thing here. She is not in love with the monster you were. She is in love with the guy who is sitting in front of me."
"But….don't you think she will see me as the guy I was before when I'll make love to her. I was a fucking pimp like her father…and she hated her father."
"You are not her father Edward. She knew her father as the pimp he was. But she didn't know you when you were a pimp. And you changed so many things…leaving the girls you were protecting, leaving the gang, working and earning money honestly and going back to school…Don't you realize how much you've changed in a short lapse of time?"
"I do Carmen. I did it for Bella…no…not only for Bella. I did it for myself too. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I scrapped my past life but I will not scrap my actual life and my future-No….Not with Bella in my life."
"I know that Edward…I must tell you and I think every word of what I am about to say…You are amazing. No wonder, Bella is in love with you."
"Thank you Carmen" I said, blushing…
"One more thing Edward… before you leave. I think it is about time that you see your parents again. They must realize what a great son they have."
"I am thinking about it…really…I miss them so much."
"Great….now I would like to fix a new appointment with you and Bella. Maybe, next week; is it okay with you?"
"Yes…I am in this with Bella. I won't fail her. I promise."
"I know you won't Edward. I will call Bella and fix an appointment that suits you both."
"Thanks Carmen. You answered a lot of my questioning today. Thank you so much"
"My pleasure Edward-Glad I could help you. See you next week."
"See you too."
I walked out of the office. I had to see Bella before going to work. I had to talk to her and I had to see her.
As soon as I was in my car, I called Bella. She answered at the second ring.
"Hey baby…It's me. I miss you my love. Are you busy this afternoon?"
"Just finished work. And I miss you too. I want to see you."
"Okay baby. Wait for me. I will pick you up at La Stanza in 30 minutes. I love you."
"I love you too. Hurry….but drive carefully."
"Always am careful. See you."
"See you"
I put my cell in my pocket and drove to La Stanza. Many thoughts were in my mind. The meeting with Carmen helped me a lot. I knew I would have to be really patient with Bella and take it step by step. And I would talk to her before. I knew she wanted to make love to me and I knew she wanted to be intimate with me; but she was afraid of sex…and the idea of sex was repulsive to her. I would tell her about my meeting with Carmen. I would tell her that she had to be really honest with me. I was not the one to be pleased…she was the one…and I would do my best to make her as comfortable as I could.
It didn't matter if it took months…The time didn't matter at all; only Bella mattered to me.
Twenty five minutes later I was at La Stanza. Bella was waiting for me outside the restaurant.
She opened the passenger's door and slipped in the Volvo.
"Hello my love. How are you? I missed you so much," I said.
"I missed you too baby. I thought about you all the morning. I had a hard time concentrating on my job."
"You know Bella. I think we should really live together. I really miss you when you are not with me. You already pay for your room and I pay for mine. I think it would not be more expensive to have our own place."
"Edward….I don't know…You know I am…"
I cut her in the mid-sentence.
"Bella…I am not talking about sex here. I am in love with you. And I don't still understand why…but you are in love with me…so why not?"
"I would love to live with you….But I feel our relationship is so…"
"Baby…I love you…You know that don't you?"
"I know you love me."...But we are still so young."
"Does it matter to you Bella? I am just eighteen and I do love you. I don't see my life without you. Is age so important to you? Or are you afraid of what will people think?"
"No….I am not afraid of what will people think. It is just that….living with you….so close to you, every day….I don't know Edward…You will want more than just kisses…I know…I want it too…but fuck…I …."
"Bella…don't you understand my feelings for you at all? I want to make love to you. Sure, I want to make love to you. But what I feel for you is so much stronger than wanting sex with you. Do you understand baby? I love you….more than anything in this world….so please think about it."
"Well…yes…you surprised me…I will think about it."
"Great….Are you hungry my love?" I asked Bella.
"Yes, I am."
"What would you like to eat?"
"You decide; As long as I am with you."
"Okay baby."
I drove the Volvo to 'Score'. They served excellent chicken and I knew Bella loved chicken. I parked the car and we walked inside the restaurant. The place was really crowded for a Monday afternoon. We followed the waitress and sat around the table.
"Do you want to drink something? ...wine…a cocktail…a beer?" the waitress asked.
"What do you want Bella?"
"I'll take a corona".
"Same for me", I said.
"Okay, back in a minute," the waitress said.
"So Edward how was the meeting with Carmen?" Bella asked me, with a trace of anxiety in her voice…and before you answer…I am really happy that you are accepted at the Cegep."
"I am really happy too my love. In fact, I am really impatient to go back to school….Hope my grey cells are ready to learn new stuff." I said laughing.
"Clever as you are-I have no doubt about it." Bella said, winking at me.
The waitress came back with our beers and took our order. I ordered chicken wings and a salad and Bella ordered a chicken brochette.
"So Edward….What about the meeting?"
"It was okay. Don't worry baby. Carmen answered a lot of my questioning. And she wants to meet us next week."
"And…."
"I know I will have to take my time with you baby…and I will. But, as Carmen said, you will have to help me. I am not in your head. I don't know what you feel…and you will have to be honest with me….You will have to be really honest with me. That is very important. You can't tell me that you are okay when I'll touch you if you are not. I want our relationship to work. I will do my best to make it work. So…no lies…I am not the one to be pleased…you are the one. And I will really listen to you. I want to make love to you. But I am ready to wait. I'll wait as long as it is necessary. I want you to tell me everything you feel in your heart. I know you love me. I have no doubt about it. And baby, I will touch you…I want to touch you…but…I swear….I'll be very attentive to your own needs. Mine will come in second…You are the most important person here. Don't worry and trust me."
"I trust you Edward….And God…I love you so much."
"I love you too Bella; more than anything in this world."
The waitress came back to our table with our meals. We ate in silence; both of us deeply plunge in our own thoughts.
"What are you thinking about baby?" I asked to Bella.
"I am thinking about how amazing you are. Supporting me like that-knowing that I am so broken and shattered. You could have a nice girl in your life….a girl who doesn't have to deal with all that bullshit….You told me earlier that you couldn't understand why I was so much in love with you. I love you Edward because I have never met someone like you; a person like you….so caring and so attentive. And you are so clever and so beautiful. But you chose me…and sometimes, I don't understand why. Why would you go through all that trouble for me? You could have any girl you want…I am sure….so why me?"
"Bella…you don't see yourself clearly my love. All the things you told me…about being caring, attentive, clever and beautiful…Well, I feel the same thing for you…You are that person as well. And more, I admire you for your strength. You are so strong my love. You don't know how strong you are. And you gave me the energy to change. I knew that deep in my heart, I hated my life but I am not sure if I would have quit the gang and the girls if it were not because of you. You made me realize that my past life was a failure. You made me realize that there was something beautiful outside…And that something…was a very special person….It is you baby….You made me realize that I had potential; that I could live a decent life and be proud of me. I am proud of me but what is my greatest pride…my greatest gift is to have you in my life."
Bella's eyes were wet with tears. I stood up and went on her side of the table. I sat on the chair next to her and cupped her face in my hands.
"Don't cry my love. I don't want you to feel sad."
"I am not sad Edward. I am so happy. Those words you just said…they reach my heart…they touch me so deeply. I love you."
I kissed her on the mouth and took her bottom lip and sucked it a bit.
"You taste so good my love. I love kissing you."
"I love kissing you too Edward."
Bella put her tongue in my mouth and our tongue dance around each other….slowly….so slowly. I pulled my lips from hers and kissed her nose, her cheeks, her chin and her neck….soft, warm, wet kisses.
"Do you mind my love?" Is it okay?"
"It is perfect Edward."
"Can I kiss you again?"
She didn't give me an answer. Her mouth was on mine again and our tongues swirling around each other. I pulled my mouth from hers and walked back to my seat.
"Let's finish our meal before it is cold." I said, smiling. We have a life together and many more occasions to kiss.
"Yes, my love….a life….And I love kissing you."
"Your lips are perfect on mine. You are perfect for me Bella."
We finished our meals. I paid the bill and we walked out, hand in hand. I drove to her house, holding her hand all along the way.
"I'll try to call you tonight after you finish school. I have to get home and changed clothes before I work."
"Okay baby. Call me if you are not too busy." Bella said.
"And tomorrow, I would like to spend the afternoon with you baby, at my place. Is that okay with you?"
"Yes Edward. Pick me up after my work. I'll wait for you."
"Can I have another kiss…before you go?"
And this time again….no answer…But Bella's hands were in my hair and her lips were on my mouth….our tongues moving in perfect tandem.
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A/N: End of chapter 18
I hope you loved this chapter; first meeting with Carmen for Edward; a first step in the therapy. He will have to go very slowly and he knows how important it is to take his time and not go too fast. I trust him completely and so does Bella.
While doing my researches on rape and sexual abuses, I found a great article written by a woman named Trina. This article helped me a lot writing this chapter. Many things discussed between Carmen and Edward come from this article. So, a special thanks to Trina.
Leave me love and review…France xxx