Lona sat in the Gynaecology waiting room surrounded by women at all different stages of pregnancy. Some were with their partners, excitedly talking about the sonograms that they were waiting for, while their partners sat with their hands on their stomachs in awe of the fact that the woman that they loved was carrying their child. Some were alone and looking absolutely terrified, their hands caressing their rounding belly's to provide some means of comfort; whether to themselves or to their unborn child Lona was unsure. There were young girls crying into their mothers shoulders, some undoubtedly here to do something that they didn't want to do. Then there was Lona, not far enough along to be showing yet, having only discovered that she was pregnant a week ago; an older parent having made the decision to terminate the only child that she had ever found herself carrying in her life.
Lona sighed and rested her head in her hands. She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes again as she thought of the little girl that she and Chris had been so sure that she was having, the little girl whose daddy was absolutely oblivious to her being here and who would remain that way because Lona wanted nothing more than to protect him from what she was about to do. She thought of the child within her who was wanted but who just couldn't be born due to the crippling fear that was consuming her mother. She felt so guilty; not only about Elmer but about the fact that inside of her was what would soon grow to be a tiny little person and there she was ready to extinguish the little life that she and Elmer had so unexpectedly made. She would be a good mother. She was sure of that. Her thoughts were already consumed by the child within her and nothing else, a child who she pictured herself holding tightly in her arms after her birth breathing in that baby smell as she marvelled over her tiny fingers and toes. Who she could picture herself watching take her first steps, listening as she said momma and dadda as Elmer stood in awe at her side. She was just so scared. Scared of a new life that would tie her to Elmer, that involved a child she never expected to have, that may possibly involve her being ridiculed by those that they worked with due to her carrying a child that belonged to one of its more unique employees. Could she terminate the baby and have things back the way that they were before? Or would she regret this decision for the rest of her life.
"Please just give me a sign?" She pleaded with no one in particular as a tear rolled down her cheek.
"Are you okay?" An unfamiliar voice asked at her side.
Lona turned to see a young woman sat next to her, who had obviously taken the seat when she was so lost in her thoughts. She looked to be about five months pregnant but something wasn't right. Her blonde curls hung limply around her shoulders and her eyes were red, it appeared from crying. They were bright blue eyes and at that moment they were locked on Lona and full of concern.
"I'm fine." Lona lied, wiping her eyes. "Hormones." She added.
The young girl gave her a sympathetic nod.
"I understand all about those. I'm Ashleigh." She told the older woman offering her hand, shifting her position in the chair so that she was a bit more comfortable.
"Lona." Lona replied giving the girls hand a shake.
"Nice to meet you." Ashleigh replied looking down at her stomach sadly and then placing a hand on the bump which housed her child.
"How far along are you? If you don't mind me asking." Lona questioned, studying the young woman's expression as it changed to one of complete sadness.
"I was five months. Almost six...but I guess...I'm not anymore." She said softly, looking at the floor.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't pry." Lona apologised, studying her hands.
"No, it's okay. I should start to get used to answering peoples questions. When you're five months pregnant one day and then you're not...you're gonna have to learn to start explaining." Ashleigh responded tearfully, wiping tears away from her cheeks.
Lona didn't know what to say. Her hands fell to her stomach where they rested protectively. She caressed her as yet none existent bump with her fingertips, her head full of thoughts about her unborn child.
"She stopped moving two days ago. She was a really active girl. Always kicking...always wriggling and then one day she just...stopped. I came here and they did a sonogram and they told me...they said that she'd died...so I'm here to give birth to her today. I have to give birth to my child who is never gonna breathe, never gonna see her mommy and daddy or the world she was meant to be a part of."
"I'm so sorry." Lona answered tearfully, placing a hand on the young woman's shoulder as the guilt over the impending termination began to eat away at her even more than it already had.
"I'm going to call her Lily. She deserves to have a name. She was alive for a little while. Just because she won't be when she's born doesn't make her any less of a person...any less my child."
"Lily's a beautiful name." Lona agreed.
Ashleigh gave her a small smile.
"I told my family last night. They try and comfort you. They tell you its okay, you can have more. But you don't want more. When there's a child inside of you all you want is that one baby. The one that you form a bond with as it grows and moves. Anything could happen that could make this my only chance to have my baby...but she's gone."
"The world can be a cruel place." Lona told the young woman softly, wondering if this was her one chance to have the child she had yet never brought into the world. A child she had never considered having in all of her days until she was faced with the unplanned pregnancy which had torn her apart.
"The cruellest." Ashleigh agreed, giving a young man with a tearstained face entering the room a small smile. He sat down at Ashleigh's side and placed an arm around her, kissing her tenderly on the cheek.
"This is Lily's father Samuel. Sam this is Lona."
"Hey." He answered, offering Lona a shaking hand.
"I'm sorry about your daughter." Lona told him quietly, not knowing what else to say.
Sam nodded and Lona watched a tear roll down his cheek. Thoughts of Elmer suddenly filled her head. How would he react if he found out about her terminating their child? Would he be as broken as Sam knowing that she had terminated a part of him? Would she be as broken as Ashleigh knowing that she had terminated the little person that was growing inside of her that wasn't only part of Elmer but part of her as well? She knew that their situations were completely different, but seeing how losing their child had affected this lovely young couple; how precious their baby's life was to them...she couldn't help but wonder what she was doing sitting there in essence wishing her own child's life away. She was lucky to be carrying a baby when others were losing theirs.
"How far along are you?" Ashleigh asked.
Lona turned to see that Sam had buried his face into her shoulder. She was stroking his hair to comfort him, trying so hard to be the strong one as her husband broke down beside her.
"Just a few weeks. A month I think."
"I remember being that far along. It's terrifying. Everything's gonna change and your hormones are a wonder if anything's gonna go wrong, what life's going to be like after the baby's born, what you're going to be like..."
Lona nodded.
"Are you here to...? You're obviously not here for a scan so early." Ashleigh asked tearfully. Sam couldn't help but look at her with shock on his face. She knew that it must be hard for parents losing a so wanted baby to consider that somebody else might not be so sure about carrying their own.
"Its father and I...we're complicated and I'm just...I thought those days were long gone. I never imagined that this would happen."
"Ashleigh Miller."
The young couple turned to see a nurse standing in the doorway of the Gynaecology department.
"I guess it's time." Ashleigh remarked, taking a deep breath.
Lona took Ashleigh's hand in hers and gave it a squeeze.
"I'm so sorry." She told the young woman again tearfully.
Ashleigh gave her a small smile as she and Sam got up from their seats.
"At least we got to know what it was like for a little while...to carry our girl. It's so special Lona. Don't make a choice that's wrong for you and her daddy." Ashleigh commented, giving Lona's hand a squeeze before taking her husband's hand in her own and following the nurse to the room where she would be giving birth to the so wanted child that they had lost.
Lona sat in silence, her heart pounding, her eyes burning and her hands clasping her stomach firmly. Her emotions were all over the place and all that she wanted at that moment in time was for everything to stop so that she could take a breath and make the right choice. She was interrupted in her thoughts by a loud crash. Looking to the waiting room entrance she saw Elmer lying on the floor having fallen in his hurry to get to her. He was looking around the room wildly. Her heart jumped into her throat and she looked at the floor.
"Lona?" She heard him call. "Lona don't do this..." He called again and she heard hurried footfalls approaching her. Looking up she saw him the most distraught that he had ever been in all of the time that she had known him. Blood was pouring from a cut on his head, and tracks from dry tears covered his cheeks.
"Elmer..." She whispered softly. "Oh Elmer, look at you."
Elmer reached a hand to his forehead and rested his fingers on the cut. He pulled them away to see that they were covered in blood.
"Please don't do this." He pleaded again, wobbling on his feet.
Lona got up and helped him on to the chair next to her.
"You're gonna need stitches." She told him softly, placing her fingertips on the skin next to the wound.
"I don't care. All I care about is you and our baby. Please don't terminate her." He begged and Lona couldn't help but smile that everyone seemed so sure that it was a little girl that she had been carrying for barely a month. Her daughter.
"You think it's funny?" Elmer asked her and she saw anger appear on his features. "I think it's hilarious that you were going to terminate my child without even telling me you were carrying her. It's a riot." He added sternly, the hurt evident in his voice.
"Elmer..." Lona whispered, taking her hands away from his face and placing them on her lap.
"Hook told me about her you know that? Hook was the one who broke it to me that I was gonna be a father...or not as the case is. I thought it was the mother's responsibility to tell the father that she's having his child? But No. I get a congratulations Elmer, Lona's pregnant but guess what? You're not gonna be a daddy because she's too embarrassed of you to carry your child."
Lona felt her heart break as she heard his words. Elmer had said out loud the very thing that she had been feeling and as she heard him say such words out loud and heard the hurt in his voice she felt the ridiculousness of feeling that way.
"I'm sorry." She whispered tearfully.
"Don't you want to be a mother? Do you really not want her? Or is it me you don't want? You don't want anything that's part of me?"
"I don't know." Lona admitted. "Elmer please, I don't know."
"Why are you here?" He asked her softly, warily placing a hand on her stomach. "She's ours. I would never hurt you. I would never leave you. I know I have a lot to learn, but you could teach me..."
"Elmer we'd never work..." she told him quietly. She found herself unable to look him in the eye.
"How do you know?" He asked her. "How do you know that we wouldn't be an amazing family?"
"How do you know that we would?" Lona replied, looking at his hand which still rested protectively on her stomach.
"Because I love you Lona...and this is our child. We made her together. Don't terminate our baby. Don't terminate her if you think it might be the wrong choice for both of us. Look at me and tell me that you don't care about her...or me."
"Elmer..." Lona started but she was interrupted by a nurse calling her name. "Of course I care about you." She whispered placing a hand on his cheek which was now wet with fresh tears.
"Then please don't do this." Elmer pleaded. "Lona please don't go in there."
Lona got up from her seat and took a long look at the broken man who sat tearfully beside her.
"I'm sorry Elmer." She whispered, taking a deep breath and walking towards the nurse.
"Lona please. You don't want this. I know you don't. Don't do this to yourself! Don't do it to me...or to her! Lona please!" He shouted and the last thing Lona saw before turning her back and walking away was Elmer , his face covered in blood, being cradled in the arms of Hook as he cried for the child that he knew he was probably about to lose.