Chapter five:

Hot water poured down her back as she scrubbed away the filth of the nights before. Scrubbing off any memories of Raj and Paul touching her body. Beth wanted to be clean of everything, even them. After seeing what was on Paul's laptop, Beth had decided that was it. He'd done nearly enough shit to drive her away, and this time she was flooring it away as fast as possible.

Mere minutes after Beth entered the bathroom, Alison found herself alone, temptation itching it's way to her fingertips. She held a bottle of small white pills, weighing out the consequences. After giving Beth a talk about how she would get better, that being clean would help her, Alison stared hypocrisy in the face. Hell, Alison couldn't remember the last time she wasn't high. Her addiction started shortly after moving in with her boyfriend, Donnie, during her college years. He'd always made her feel basic, and that life was meant to be simple. It turned to hell though, with all of his restrictions and commands, how he demanded she live her life exactly how he wanted it. With the guilt from him (an unknowingly her mother) Alison felt hopeless to living a life apart from him. Her mother always said she wouldn't do any better, and that she didn't deserve better. Depression and anxiety had been taking the better of her, so she opted to ignoring it and hiding from her pain behind god knows what toxins. At least when she was high she didn't have any worries. Alison took the lid off the bottle and shook a few into her hand, eyes narrowing the substance.

Oh, how she just wanted to feel alive, instead opting for the fall.

Tuning out the rest of the world, Alison threw them into her mouth, and began swallowing with aid from a glass of water. Being the person she was, Alison watched the clock, counting down the minutes and seconds, waiting for the medicine to do it's intended purpose.

"Ali?" Beth repeated herself for the fifth time before finally catching her attention.

"Sorry, I zoned out. What's up?"

"I know I already thanked you, but.. That isn't enough for me."

"What do you mean?" Alison's eyebrows furrowed. Thank the pills for her incoherency.

"Iunno.. It's just.. Something you said gave me hope." Beth was apparently nervous, but she meant what she was saying. The coo definitely was nervous, no one chewed their lip that intensely. "I think I need to break up with Paul."

Blinking, Alison stared. Her heart began pounding faster. Good. Thank god. No- this was time for something special. Thank fucking god. Yep. Cursing was special for Alison. Withholding all of her excitement, Alison smiled shyly before nodding.

"He's changed, and even though I love him, he's like.. Like.."

"A drug?"

"Corny right?" Beth chuckled. God it was nice to finally hear a laugh. Small, yet beautiful. Beth hadn't felt as nice as this for months. Alison always brought out the best in her.

"I'm glad, Beth. I couldn't support your decision anymore than I do." Alison smiled, reaching for Beth's cheeks she kissed her forehead.

"Okay, mom, enough." Alison rolled her eyes and swatted Beth's arm jokingly. "Can I take you to breakfast, or do you have to go home?"

"Uhh.." Alison paused. Was being around Beth when she was high one of the best ideas? The girl is a cop, but she always let drugs slide. Who cares what you do to get off, as long as you aren't hurting anyone, Beth would always say. She probably was sharing in Cosima's weed. Screw it. If Donnie, the only reason why she would possibly have to turn down such a lovely offer, couldn't last a morning without Alison he was a failure. Alison was allowed to live her life, with or without him. "Sure Beth. I'd love that."

Their date had passed far too quickly for Beth's liking. She figured she would camp out at work the upcoming week to avoid Paul before she actually had the balls to leave him.

Alison, however, was struggling. She was spent. Not because she had stayed up plenty hours of the night cradling Beth, trying to restore her clone to somewhere peaceful, but in general. Alison was always known for spreading herself too thin and miraculously managing, but lately everything felt like it was crushing her. She would manage to sneak a drink here and there to escape. She felt like a prisoner at home, thanks to Donnie and her mother. Her friends constantly used her and spit her out after she'd help them. Finding out one of her friends friend was a drug dealer was possibly the best thing to ever happen to her. Ramon gave her different variations of happiness, and not once while she was on them did she notice her world falling apart. Not until she saw the same thing happening to Beth. Beth had self destructed because of various reasons, but Alison saw far too many similarities between her downfall and her own.

Giving Beth advice about how to get better felt so cynical, so wrong. Everything she said felt like lies.

Staring down Donnie later that night, Alison took a deep breath. She wasn't happy, not like this. She needed change, and starting with Donnie was one hell of a good place to start.