TEENAGE DREAM
Chapter 4
Somewhere only we know
"Can you stop following me?"
Darren was following you since you left school and you couldn't believe he was serious when he said that, you thought he was kidding you; but you were now ten blocks away from school and Darren was still behind you. While you were walking, you couldn't stop looking around to check if someone was watching you on the sly, because after Darren closed the door of the classroom, the same withheld number sent you a text message.
"Things would get really bad if that stupid guy follows you. We're gonna be watching you. -W-"
You didn't want to treat him in a rough way, but you had to because in any other way he wouldn't stop walking behind you. You really wanted to talk to him and more after the way he talked to you in the classroom, he made you feel weird, he was very close to you and you could barely hold your new and fake attitude. But you were more scared of what they could do to him than what they could do to you, so you needed to be as rough as you could be. And you still had that feeling of someone watching you.
"I can, but I don't want." Darren answered shrugging and then he walked to your side.
"Get out of here." You said harshly and then you kept walking without looking at him, but he walked to your side again.
"And why would I do that?"
"Because I don't want a fucking stalker to follow me." You answered trying to sound cold and furious.
"Oh, come on! That's so lame! I know you can give me a better reason. Shoot!" He joked, laughing with his usual cheerfulness.
"Fuck off. Why don't you go to fuck someone instead of trying to screw my mood? I'm sure it'd be more interesting." You said rolling your eyes and sounding really bad-mannered. You couldn't believe those words came out from your mouth, you never said rude and gross things like that. He only looked at you with eyes wide open and raising his eyebrows in surprise.
"I can get laid with you, and then I can kill two birds with one stone." He said after a while, looking at you mischievously but amused. You just looked at him stunned. Was he really saying that? Well, you haven't expected that kind of answer, now you didn't know how to answer that. "I'm just kidding."
"Screw you, you asshole." You said trying to sound grumpy, but actually you were kind of amazed by his quirky sense of humor. "Excuse me, but I don't talk to assholes."
"Oh, now you don't talk to assholes. And man! I'm an asshole! Good to know." He exclaimed kind of sarcastic. You knew that now you were making him feel bad, maybe that was his weak spot and from that you needed to try to keep him away from you.
"Yes, it's great! Now fuck off and celebrate it with all of your retarded and assholes friends. Then tell me how it was the party of the assholes." You said coldly and really harshly, trying to sound nasty. And you got it. You covertly looked around, nervous and kind of sad to see if that person who was watching you noticed the way you treated him.
"You're pathetic." Darren said shaking his head disgusted. "Maybe that's the reason why no one stands you; because you're a stupid girl who tries to seem someone else and doesn't care about anything but her own shit. For a ridiculous moment I thought you were different, I thought I could give it a chance to really get to know how you are. But you aren't any different from those bullies; you deserve all that is happening to you. You're gonna be forever alone and that's exactly what a pathetic and idiot person like you deserves." Darren yelled angry.
Well, you deserved those words from Darren considering the way you treated him, but his words were really hurtful anyway. It was very hurtful to hear that no one could stand you; but the most hurtful was to hear that you deserved all that was happening to you. He was surely thinking you were a terrible kind of person to have said that about you. You couldn't understand why you were feeling this down if after all you got what you wanted: to keep him away from you. For some reason you thought that Darren and Jen could have been the only true friends you had, even if you didn't know them too much, it was just a matter of a feeling; so it was hard to say all the things you were saying and it was hard to hear what Darren said.
"Whatever." You answered trying to sound indifferent, but you failed a bit because your voice cracked.
"You know what, idiot?" Darren said still mad and he walked closer to you.
You were looking fixedly at him, still trying to seem indifferent, but he was very close and you were feeling like crap. When Darren was really close to you, he looked deeply into your eyes and then he winked and smiled faintly. He winked? It was really fast. Darren put something in your pocket on the sly and then he stepped back, now looking at you angry.
"I'm wasting my time being here and more talking to you. Why the hell am I doing this? It's more than obvious that you're a freak and loser. Damn, what the hell was in my mind?" He yelled again furiously and you were more confused than ever.
"Well, you're making me waste my time, so why don't you go with your assholes friends and leave me the fuck alone?" You yelled back, also furiously and grumpy. "I don't want you near me anymore."
"Don't worry; I'm a guy who learns fast. Spending time with you is a complete waste of time, so fuck it." Darren said nastily and then he turned around and walked away from you.
There you stood; looking at the boy you loved since a long time ago, walking away from you once you had the chance to be his friend. You wondered why life had to be so unfair sometimes, why it had to be so sad sometimes, why you were so powerless in certain situations sometimes. A tear streamed down your face before you could hold it back. What were you doing? Was this the right thing to do? You didn't know, but you also didn't know what else to do. Your phone buzzed.
"I'm amazed, bitch. You did a good job there. Now the stupid guy is out, let's see who's next. If you're still causing problems, the consequences will be more severe. You wouldn't want more victims in this game, would you? -W-"
The bully was there, right there, watching you and watching all that happened minutes before. That person was harassing you everywhere and this was really out of control.
"What do you want?" You yelled in the silent and quiet street, very upset and desperate but trying to sound rude. Of course, you didn't get any kind of answer.
"Calm down, bitch. Soon you'll find it out, but meanwhile we'll enjoy your slow and fascinating destruction. -W-"
"Go ahead, I'm not scared of you, moron." You yelled madly again in the quiet street, looking around to try to find out where this person or people were; but you didn't find any clue.
You didn't get any answer, not even a text message, so you just walked to your house as fast as possible. Once you arrived there, you felt safe. There no one would be able to harass you; there no one would be able to watch you. As usual, no one was at home; your parents were still at work and your sister was surely with her stupid friends. You walked to your bedroom and closed the door behind you. You lay down in bed and then you started to shed all the tears you were holding back; tears of fear, sadness and frustration. You cried your eyes out until you fell asleep. It wasn't until four hours later that you woke up with your eyes swollen and with a headache; but you still remained lying in bed, staring the ceiling of your bedroom with a blankly stare. It wasn't until minutes later that you remembered that Darren Criss put something in your pocket. Quickly, you looked for it, it was a handwritten note.
"Meet me at 8pm in Marin Headlands. We really need to talk, Freckles."
People could say whatever they wanted, but I wasn't stupid. I knew that something eerie was happening and I knew it as soon as I saw Freckles's face when we were in the classroom. She couldn't stop looking around as if she was scared of being with me, she was kind of edgy. So, I spent the rest of the day thinking how I'd find out this thing that was spinning on my head. I didn't see Freckles in the rest of the day, because of course, she was only a Junior and she had a different schedule. But I did see Jen in the Rock & Roll Club.
"Jenny!" I said hugging her by her back.
"Darren, someday you're gonna get punched in your face for this." Jen said turning around, still startled for the unexpected hug.
I just laughed because I knew she hated when I did it; not because of the fact I hugged her, but because she never knew who was the one who was hugging her. However, Jen didn't laugh as usual; she only sat on the nearest chair, waiting for more people to arrive. I sat next to her and I looked fixedly into her eyes while she was trying to avoid my gaze.
"Are you gonna act this odd all day long or are you gonna tell me what the hell is going on?" I finally asked.
"Nothing is going on." Jen answered looking away.
"Nothing my ass! Jen, I'm your best friend since our Freshman year. Do you really think I'm gonna believe that nothing is going on?" I asked quietly still looking at her, but she was still looking around, now getting nervous.
"Well, you should." Jen answered coldly and bad tempered.
"Now you don't trust me anymore or what?"
"It's not that, Darren. It's just that nothing is going on. I just had a bad day." Jen huffed looking at her lap.
"Bad day? Is that so?"
"Is that so." Jen answered curtly and then she grabbed her notebook to keep her hands busy. Her hands were trembling, she was lying. Oh yeah, I knew her that much.
"May I know why?" I asked playing dumb.
"Math. My homework was a disaster and now I know I have no chances to do well the exam, therefore I won't get a scholarship for college." Jen huffed as complaining, but her hands were still trembling.
"You're a crack in math. How come you did it wrong?" I asked pretending to be curious only because I wanted to get the truth.
"I don't know Darren. Maybe I was good at it before, now I'm just a failure. I blame it on the teacher." Jen said shrugging.
"I thought you had the same teacher than last year, who adores you. And haven't you told me the other day that you are going to the math competition?" I asked knowing that I was hitting the bulls eye. Surely Jen didn't remember that she already told me that.
"Yeah... well, it was before the last homework." Jen answered nervous and blushing.
"Oh, I see. It sucks." I said shaking my head.
"Yes, it really sucks." Jen answered looking at her lap and playing nervously with her notebook.
"Now, the truth is...?" I asked looking at her and then, finally, she looked up to me nervous.
"I just told you the truth." Jen answered frowning and blushing hard.
"Then tell your hands to stop trembling as they always do when you're lying and tell your face to stop reflecting nervousness." I said shrugging and looking deeply into her eyes. That was it, when both of us were looking into each other's eyes; there was no way that any of us could tell a lie.
"Fine, I give up. My homework was perfect, my teacher adores me, and I'm still going to the competition. But I can't tell you what's going on because it's something personal." Jen said placing her notebook away and I smiled triumphant.
"We have no secrets, Jen." I said still smiling.
"I'm on my period, okay?" Jen huffed moody and then she looked away, still nervous.
"The bad times are flowing just as your fluids, eh?" I laughed because of Jen's answer while Jen looked at me with a disgusted expression. "But your hands are still trembling. As far as I know, the menstrual cycle doesn't have that effect on you."
"Oh Darren, you're disgusting. Remind me that I don't have to tell you how it feels to be on a period anymore." Jen protested grumpy, crossing her arms.
I was about to answer her with a joke when suddenly I heard a woman's voice behind me; a voice that made me feel super wee.
"Darren, right?" The woman's voice said and I abruptly turned around.
There was the stunning cheerleader girl. Damn, she remembered my name and she was talking to me, she was looking at me, man! This was insane! I think in that moment I lost my ability to talk.
"Yeah, it's me." I babbled like an idiot, but she only smiled wonderfully. Oh gosh, this girl was going to kill me.
"I finally found you!" She said smiling like, I don't know, like an angel.
I couldn't stop looking at her like bewitched. Her lips were perfect. And then she placed her hand on my shoulder. Consequence: Hormones explosion. Oh man, nobody had that effect on me before and I was going insane. I really needed to focus on another thing or my friend down there was going to betray me.
"She's only talking to me, she's only being friendly, behave Darren." I thought in my mind, trying to focus on her eyes and trying not to feel her touching.
"I only wanted to let you know that tomorrow the club is going to meet in Contraband Coffee Bar at 4pm. They have a really tasty coffee and it's gonna be great." The cheerleader said smiling brightly.
So then we were going to meet outside school, which was fabulous. Yes, that was the best thing that happened to me after the last crappy weeks. I was going to be with this girl outside school. Well, it wasn't a date, I was aware of it; but screw it, I was going to go to a coffee shop with the girl that drove me insane. And the fact of knowing that she was exclusively looking for me to tell me that, made me feel really good.
"Well, that's amazing." I said smiling like a goober. But whatever, I was happy, man. "Thank you for telling me...Umm..."
"Amanda." The cheerleader said grinning.
"Amanda. Beautiful name, yes, of course you'd have a beautiful name." I said before I could realize that I was saying it out loud. Fuck. Hold on, was I blushing? Me?
"Actually it's not." Amanda said laughing with her glorious laughter. "Call me Mandy, please."
"Mandy. Hey, like the song by Barry Manilow!" I exclaimed. Could I just stop making a fool of myself?
"Yes, like the song." She said giggling adorably. "Well Darren, I hope to see you there. Now I have to go to class. See you later!"
What happened next gave me goosebumps. She kissed my cheek! She kissed my cheek and everything started spinning. I was so screwed. And then she left before I could say anything. When I remembered she was single now, happiness ran through my entire body. Now, I could have a chance with her; it wasn't like the first day of school when I thought I had no chances. Jen, next to me, laughed out loud.
"If you're going to meet her tomorrow, you really have to work on containing your goofy face while looking at her." Jen said laughing amused.
"Shut up, Jen." I said pretending to be upset, but I really couldn't be grumpy now.
The rest of the day in school was great. I couldn't stop smiling like a dork. But when the last class was finishing, I remembered I had to talk to Freckles and Jen to find out what was going on, and that was probably more important than any other girl. Both Jen and Freckles were nervous when I asked them what was going on, they seemed to be worried if someone was looking at them. And well, sometimes I can be very sharp-eyed and clever. Judging by the way they were acting, I drew my own conclusions: They were sharing a secret and they didn't want that a certain person could get to hear them. If this was a kind of secret, then I had to act secretly. It could be interesting. Before the last class finished, and before following Freckles as I said I would do; I wrote a note.
"Meet me at 8pm in Marin Headlands. We really need to talk, Freckles."
Perfect lonely place to talk about secrets. I knew I wouldn't get any kind of answer if I tried to talk to her in a public place during the day; so this idea could work. When I followed her, I talked to her and she told me a lot of rude things but still being nervous and looking around, I knew this was the best I could have done. Then I corroborated it when suddenly I noticed a hint of apologize and sadness in her eyes for a matter of a second. There was something really bad happening and I just needed to know as the curious person as I was.
So there I was, in Marin Headlands at 8pm. I got a perfect place to sit leaning against a tree with perfect eyesight to the Golden Gate Bridge. It was kind of cold and she wasn't coming. Maybe my plan wasn't as great as I thought it was; maybe she really didn't want to talk to me anymore and I made up things in my mind by thinking that the reason was that she didn't want to talk to me because she didn't want anyone to hear her. Or maybe I was thinking too much now. It was 9pm and she hasn't arrived. But then I saw a shadow walking towards me. It was her, but she wasn't dressed as earlier, and she wasn't dressed as she used to dress before the fight with Brian and Jim; she was dressed in a very natural way. Maybe that was the way she used to dress up when she was alone, and it was the most suitable look for her. She was wearing a pair of shredded jeans and a boat neck black and white striped shirt, with a black beret. If I didn't know her, I'd think she was French. She looked really nice and before this day I never noticed she was actually a pretty girl, who resembled to someone I knew, but I couldn't find out to who. When she was close and I could see her face clearly, I smiled at her.
"For a moment I thought you wouldn't come."
While you were going to Marin Headlands, you started to think that maybe it wasn't a good idea. But now you couldn't go back because Darren saw you. You really had no idea what he wanted to talk about and why he was so insistent. However, if he wanted to talk about something private, this was a good place at this time, because no one was around; maybe that was the main reason why you went there. It was a place where you could be safe, away from all the bullying you had to suffer during the day in school. It was so dark that it was kind of scary, but at this point nothing could be scarier than what you had to live every day. When you were close to him, he looked at you in an uncanny way and he was grinning. Of course you were kind of nervous because you were in a lonely and dark place with the guy you adored in secret.
"For a moment I thought you wouldn't come." He said still looking at you from head to toe.
"Well, I came." You answered still standing next to him.
"Come on, sit down over here." He said politely making room for you to sit next to him against the tree.
You sat next to him and then you looked at the Golden Gate Bridge for a while, it was the perfect eyesight. After contemplating the view, you finally turned your gaze to Darren, who was still looking at you in an uncanny way and smiling kindly. Why was he smiling at you kindly after all you said to him earlier?
"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" You asked suspiciously, frowning.
"I don't know." Darren shrugged still smiling with his beautiful smile. The moonlight was illuminating dimly his face and his face looked even more flawless. "You look weird."
"Oh, do you say it because of the way I'm dressed?" You asked now blushing a bit because, even though being dressed like this was normal to you, he never saw you like this. Fortunately it was dark and he couldn't notice it. "It's the way I dress up when I'm at home alone."
"I thought so." He said smiling still looking at you in the same way.
"Yes, I look like an idiot." You said looking away again.
"Not at all. You look beautiful." Darren said grinning and you looked at him amazed. You couldn't believe that he said that, something you heard only in your dreams. "I can't get why you don't dress up like that daily. You look comfortable and just like you. A lot of guys would fall for you."
"Yes, sure." You said sarcastically. He must be kidding you, everybody hated you. How would it be possible that someone could fall for you? Nobody ever fell for you.
"Hey, look at me." Darren said looking deeply into your eyes, holding your hand. Feeling his touch and looking his big hazel eyes was amazing and your body started trembling, you couldn't help it, he had that effect on you. "I'm serious this time."
"Yes, whatever." You said harshly, pulling your hand away from him.
You needed to remember that you were there because Darren wanted to talk about something and it was surely about why you were being like this now, not about your romantic fantasies with him. So, feeling his touch wasn't going to help.
"I have an hour. What do you want to talk about?" You asked coldly looking at the Golden Gate Bridge.
"I think we both know what about. I'm just waiting for someone else." Darren answered now also looking at the Golden Gate Bridge.
"What? I thought nobody else was going to come. I won't talk with someone else here, I'm sorry." You said a bit upset and standing up.
Darren took your hand to stop you and you looked at him still upset. But when you looked into his eyes, you couldn't be upset any longer. He was looking at you gently and pleadingly, in some way it was kind of reassuring.
"Please, don't go." He said softly. "Sit next to me again. This person I'm waiting for isn't a bad person. I swear that my intention is not to hurt you."
"So what's your intention? Because I can't tell anymore what people want or not. I can't trust anyone. Sorry." You said frustrated. That was it; you couldn't contain your real feelings in front of him.
"Once I told you that you've got a friend in me. I don't retract that." Darren said still looking into your eyes and there was something in his eyes, something that somehow made you trust him. "I only want to help you."
"I don't need help. Do you think I can be weak after what happened? Do you think I can't face this by myself? I don't need anyone to feel pity for me." You said coldly looking away. You couldn't let anyone know that actually you did need help.
"I feel no pity for you." Darren said frowning. "But I do realize that you aren't going through a good time and I wouldn't be idly knowing that maybe I can do something about it, like any friend would do. Because, let's face it, we both know that you have a problem."
"What are you talking about? What makes you think I have a problem? Are you trying to say that I'm mentally insane?" You almost yelled now really angry. "Anyway, you should get on your own business. I don't know why you say we're friends if you don't know a shit about me, and I don't know a shit about you. Just because we talked few times doesn't mean we are friends."
You were really mad and you barely could realize what you were saying. He couldn't just state that you had a problem, because he had no idea. When you looked at him, you realized that you overreacted and that you treated him in a really bad way; he didn't deserve it. He was looking at you frowning with parted lips and it seemed that your words hurt his feelings.
"I don't think you're mentally insane. I only said that you have a problem, a big one, just because of the rough situation you're going through;you have a problem just as I have my own problems and as anybody else has their own problems only because of the fact that we're human beings." Darren said still with his smooth voice and still holding your hand. "And you're right. We can't be friends because we don't know a shit about each other as you said. But we can start knowing each other now. We have time."
"Why are you doing this?" You asked suspiciously.
"Because I know how it feels to be alone when you need someone." Darren answered smiling sadly, still looking into your eyes with honesty.
Well, that got your attention. You never imagined he could answer something like that. You hesitated for a while and then you sat next to him again in silence. Even though you still couldn't trust him completely, there was honesty in his eyes. Now there was a gloomy climax between you both. He was still holding your hand and this time you didn't do anything to avoid it.
"When I was a kid, I didn't have any friends. They called me the freak boy. No one really wanted to be near me, because, I don't know. What kind of kid would rather to spend the day playing Disney songs than playing the ring toss? What kind of kid would rather to be an actor and musician than a superhero?" Darren laughed softly but sadly.
You couldn't believe he was telling you something of his past that seemed to be something really private. You were now getting to know more about this mysterious and stunning guy. You were looking at him deeply and listening to him intently, while he was just looking at his lap.
"Anyway, my mom started to worry about me; because she couldn't understand why Chuck, my bro, had lot of friends and I didn't have any. She started to think that she was doing something wrong, because she insisted to make me learn how to play violin and I was obsessed with it, instead doing what children are used to do." Darren kept talking with a gloomy voice. He was showing his human side; he was showing he wasn't perfect as you thought. But his not perfection was making you fall for him even more. "Then it was the time when arguments came to happen at home. It was a really sad time for me and all my family. Fortunately, the love that bonded us was stronger than those arguments. I didn't know with whom I could share this that was happening to me and my family, but I needed to tell someone to feel better. I was holding so many feelings."
Somehow, his situation was similar than yours. You couldn't be fine with your family and you had no friends; you needed to talk to someone, you needed someone to lean on; but no one was there. You wondered how he could be the person he was now, full of friends and overflowing with joy, while you couldn't get it.
"That was in elementary school. I never felt happier to have finished it. Unlike you, I couldn't be that strong, to keep my head held high and ignore the stupid comments. And fortunately I found Jen, Claire, Dean and Karen in high school; who accepted me for who I am. You know some of them; Jen of course, and you met Dean and Claire in the drama class, I don't think you know Karen, though. Anyway, then I found the help I always needed, then I wasn't alone and I understood the importance of friendship." Darren said now looking into your eyes and now taking both of your hands in his. "This is why I'm doing this. Because you remind me of myself at some point. And I honestly think you're a cool person from the little I know about you." Darren said smiling kindly.
"But you don't have to do this." You said looking down.
You didn't know what else you could say, he left you speechless. He was sharing one of his secrets with you, but you still couldn't trust him; you wanted to, but you couldn't. Not after all that was happening to you, not after you had no idea who "W" could be. Maybe it could be him, and because he was an actor he could pretend to be the guy he was being with you now.
"True. But I want to." He said smiling and looking at you deeply. His eyes were like piercing your soul.
"I'm sorry but I can't trust you." You said kind of disappointed, not in him but in yourself.
Those bullies did it to you, they were destroying you little by little and in a way that didn't allow you to realize they were actually doing it. In the blink of an eye, you were completely alone: Peter and Alexandra weren't your friends anymore; your family didn't care about you too much because they were busy with themselves; and Darren and Jen couldn't be near you or those bullies were going to hurt them, and they already started with Jen. Those bullies made you change your personality, they turned you into a person you weren't and maybe being this rude and dressing up like a heavy metal girl was what they wanted and not what you planned; maybe they had planned you to do this, making you think that you were planning it. And those bullies wanted to make you feel that you couldn't trust anyone, because anybody could be "W", because you had no clue, because they were clever and cautious in this kind of macabre game. They were good and you were screwed. How could you plan something if they messed up with your mind and integrity?
"I know you can't trust me and I know it's hard to trust someone after all the shit that comes to happen to us. It was hard for me, but here I am now. I have four amazing friends because I let myself trust them even if I was scared like hell. Sooner or later it'll come the time you'll trust someone, maybe that someone it's not gonna be me; but you'll find that person. Meanwhile, I'd be glad if that person can be me." Darren said sweetly, as if he really cared about you.
"I don't know what to say…" You stared saying feeling bad because even though he was being sweet and caring, you still couldn't trust him. You were struggling with what your heart was telling you, to trust him; and what your mind was telling you, that you shouldn't trust him.
"Don't say anything." He said shrugging and smiling, as if it didn't matter that you couldn't say anything, as if he didn't care if you couldn't trust him yet, he was going to still be there. "I came here with a purpose: To find out what is going on with you and Jen. But I changed my mind; I won't push you to tell me anything. If someday you feel ready to tell me, then I'll be here to listen to you; and if that day doesn't come, well, it's not gonna change the fact that I'll be here if you need me."
"Thank you." You said looking into his eyes, frankly thankful. You couldn't believe how he could be so understanding, maybe he wasn't a bad person; maybe with time you'd be able to trust him.
"Come with me, I have an idea." Darren said smiling vividly, standing up and helping you to stand up, holding your hand.
What the hell was he doing? Where was he taking you? Why was he making you run? Why was he still holding your hand? What was his idea? Those were some of the questions that popped in your mind; while Darren was running, holding your hand, and taking you to somewhere for an unknown reason. He was laughing as though he was enjoying this and you couldn't understand why. You didn't even have the time to ask him what you were doing or to stop him. You decided to relax and find it out when the right time was. You ran a lot, now you were really away from where you were earlier and the hour you had to spend with him has already passed, but you didn't care. You were alone with him, nobody was bugging you, and he was laughing. That was priceless. You finally arrived at some place you haven't been before; it was a headland in the coastal trail away from the city itself. There were no buildings near, there were no paths, and there were no lighting; it was only the coast, the nature, and Darren and you. You were kind of scared because you couldn't see anything at all, it was very dark and the only sounds you could hear were the sound of the waves lapping against the rocks, the sounds of nocturnal animals and other nature sounds.
"Wait, Darren, wait! I'm gonna stumble and I'm gonna fall, I can't see anything." You said with trembling voice after you got scared several times when you stumbled with little rocks.
"If you fall, I'm gonna hold you. Don't worry." Darren said amused, still running.
"Darren, you're forgetting that I'm clumsy!" Your scared voice echoed in the silence. "Darren, stop!"
And it happened. There was a big rock you didn't see and you stumbled. You started tumbling down the hill with Darren, who was holding your hand. You felt how all the rocks in the hill were hitting your face while Darren, inevitably, was hitting you with his body. You couldn't stop tumbling down until you ended up in the bay coast with Darren on top of you.
"Holy shit, I told you to stop!" You moaned sore from the tumble. You were sure that your whole body was scraped and the weight of Darren's body on top of yours was really painful.
But Darren didn't moan, and he didn't attempt to move away from the top of you. He was just laughing out loud, an amused but a bit painful laugh. Why was he laughing? Both of you could have ended up in a really bad way considering the height from which you fell down. Besides, your clothes were ruined and torn, and you were wet because you fell in the water. He shouldn't be laughing, this wasn't funny.
"Oh my god! Why are you laughing?" You asked grumpy.
"This was funny! This was really funny, I was scared like hell and we couldn't stop falling! Look at us, we're a disaster! We're two hopelessly clumsy people!" He answered still laughing out loud and still on top of you.
You looked at him in disbelief, but then you couldn't help laughing along with him. Even though your body was sore, this was actually funny, your clumsiness was funny. You couldn't remember the last time you laughed this naturally and more for a clumsy and odd situation like this. You laughed for a long time making fun of yourselves, until you stopped laughing gradually to then look into each other's eyes, he still on top of you and the water still soaking you. There was this moment when you got lost into his hazel eyes, when everything vanished around you to focus only on his stunning eyes. Your heart started beating faster because of your excitement and this thrilling feeling of having the guy you liked on top of you looking into your eyes. There was a moment when you wanted to kiss him, it was all you wanted, it was like a need you had. You had to contain this need and it was being really hard because you could even feel his breathing in your face. You had no idea for how long the two of you remained like that, but it was a long time because, without realizing, the tide was rising and it was almost covering your face. That was when the eye contact broke and you realized the way you were looking at him like an idiot in love; so then Darren quickly rolled on his back to stand up and take your hand to help you to stand up. But as soon as you stood up, he let out your hand and this time, he turned on his phone to illuminate the trail. He started walking in silence and you followed him, until you climbed the hill, a perfect place with view to the bay.
"Here, this place is awesome." Darren said and he lay down on the grass, looking at the dark sky. "Lie with me." He requested softly but you hesitated after what happened minutes earlier and the way you felt. "Come on, you won't regret."
"Okay." You answered shyly and you lay down next to him, also looking at the dark sky.
Now you understood why he said that you weren't going to regret. The dark sky was very starry and the moon was huge. This was truly wonderful. You were away from the lights and noises of the city and you were now in a place that was outstanding by its beauty that you barely could appreciate in the city. There was a peace in this place that was invaluable. It was precious and for some reason all your pent-up feelings started flowing out there. You felt how Darren moved closer to you and he put an arm around you. You did nothing to avoid it because it felt good; it was different from what you felt minutes earlier, this time it was a feeling as if someone really cared about you and was there to support you. Without thinking, you rested your head on his shoulder, then both you and Darren were more comfortable now and now Darren wrapped both of his arms around you. It was a nice feeling because you were cold after being soaked by the water and his body against yours was warm; and it was nice because he was holding you in his arms.
"It's a splendid place, isn't it?" Darren whispered smoothly.
"Yes, it really is." You whispered still contemplating all the beauty around you.
"I used to come here whenever I was feeling down and I needed to be alone. No one knows about this place, except Jen and well, now you. It's like somewhere only we know." Darren suddenly said. Was he sharing this secret place with you? That was absurd, but nice to know. "It's crazy the effect this place has. It's like suddenly everything is more peaceful and everything starts flowing. It's only you and your thoughts."
"Yes, I think it has the same effect on me." You admitted, looking at the starry sky.
"May I ask you something?" Darren asked now looking at you. You turned your sight to look at him and you simply nodded as an answer. "But it has to be a secret between us, just like this place. And you have to answer honestly."
"Okay..." You answered curiously and a bit scared by what he could ask to have said it had to be a secret.
"What happened in your life that made you be like this? And I'm not talking about what's happening now with those bullies, I'm talking in general."
This girl was really puzzling. I just couldn't get which her real personality was, but this one seemed more real. It was weird because as much as I tried I couldn't stop looking at her because she was captivating me with this way she came here. I couldn't get why she had a low self-esteem if she was a pretty girl; she only had to go everywhere dressed like this, like just the way she was. I was sure that any guy would fall for her, but she didn't think the same. She was being reluctant when I was talking to her at first, it seemed as if every single thing I was saying was bothering her, as if I was screwing my chances to get to know what was going on with her and Jen. She even tried to go away when I told her I was waiting for someone, of course that was a lie, and I only wanted to know how she was going to react. And she reacted just as the way I expected; I needed to know it so I could check if my own conclusions were wrong or not. I was being right, she didn't want to talk about anything with anyone; and it reminded me of myself when I was in elementary school. Maybe she and I weren't so different at the end. I knew she wouldn't tell me anything, but now it was different, now I didn't mind so much if she was going to tell me or not. I felt weird in the moment when she was thinking that I tried to say she was mentally insane, because I really didn't mean it at all, but there was no way to make her see that. And I felt even weirder when she told me we weren't friends at all, as though her words hurt me at some point. I didn't know why, because I was aware we weren't friends, but a part of me really liked her; a part of me was feeling as if she was my twin only because I saw in her the way I used to be when I was a kid.
"Why are you doing this?" She asked suspiciously after misunderstanding me.
I couldn't lie to her at this point. Somehow I had the need to tell her that she and I weren't so different, that I've been where she was now. I never told this to someone, except to Chuck and Jen; and I barely knew this girl, but she had that something.
"Because I know how it feels to be alone when you need someone." I answered smiling sadly.
I didn't know why I decided to tell her my past, I just felt as if she was going to understand me and maybe she could get any kind of help based on my mistakes and my past problems. When she sat next to me after hesitating, I held her hand more firmly. It was odd to be holding her hand, but it just felt proper. I told her it all and she listened to me very intently. I felt comfortable telling her that; it was different from the time I told Chuck and Jen; and it took me a long to tell them this, but with her it took me only few weeks. If this wasn't the meaning of eccentric and insane feeling, then I didn't know what it was. I knew she wouldn't trust me, I knew she was going to be still reluctant; but I only wanted to tell her that, to let her know that I understood her and how she may be feeling. I was dying to know how I could make her trust me, I didn't know why I was so eager to get it, but I just was. I totally forgot the real reason why I summoned her to come to this place. Then I came up with the idea to take her to that place I used to go when I needed to be alone, I knew that place was special and maybe it could be special for her too; maybe it could be the place where both of us could talk about anything in peace, away from those bullies and the shit that was happening in school. I never imagined that in our way we were going to tumble down, that I was going to end up on top of her, and that I was going to feel that way when I looked into her eyes. Man, her eyes were astounding, like I've never seen those kinds of eyes before; the bright of her eyes left me flabbergasted. And I still couldn't find out like whom she looked like. I felt attracted to her, like not in a friendly way. Why was I feeling attracted to her? Her lips were the same lips that once I've seen, but I couldn't remember where. Oh man, it was as though her lips were like a magnet to my lips. Damn, I needed to keep in mind who she was; she was only the girl I was trying to help, the girl I was trying to be friends with. But this feeling was stronger. Fortunately, the increased tide saved me. Her face was about to sink in the water, so I took advantage to broke the eye contact and stand up, scolding myself for feeling this way about her. I led her to the place I wanted to arrive in the first time, but this time I didn't want to hold her hand, not after the ridiculous way I felt for her. When I convinced her to lie down next to me, I noticed that this place had the same effect on her than on me. I noticed how she let herself be just the way she really was. I noticed sorrow and hopelessness in her eyes. That was the time I decided to wrap my arms around her and just hold her, as I needed when I was a kid; I knew she needed that. She didn't need to hear kind words, she needed to feel that someone cared about her and I wanted to prove her that I was the one. I wanted to hug her tightly, but I knew it wasn't proper; so I just closed my eyes to feel the warmth of her body leaning against mine.
"What? Why am I doing that? Are you a douchebag, Darren? The fuck is going on with you." I thought in an irked way in my mind.
I just needed to think about something else, so I said the typical and stupid things that someone says when tries to avoid a feeling or a certain talk. Yeah, I started talking about how amazing this place was and blah, blah, blah. When I noticed this wasn't helping, I decided to ask her something that I always wondered. I had the feeling that this question wasn't going to end in a good way, but I needed to give it a try. I was curious to know more about this girl. So I just shot.
"What happened in your life that made you be like this? And I'm not talking about what's happening now with those bullies, I'm talking in general."
She looked at me disturbed as I thought, and then she returned her gaze to the starry sky. Dammit, I screwed it. Why did I have to be such a meddlesome? Anyway, she didn't move away from me and she still let me hug her. I needed to fix this blunder somehow, but I didn't know how. Right when I was having the chance to have a normal conversation with her, when I had the chance to get to know her more; I had to screw it.
"Such a genius, Darren!" I thought in my mind annoyed. But then she started talking and it left me stunned.
"I don't know. It isn't a precise thing. It is just a collection of little bad events, I don't know if I'm explaining myself." She started saying still looking at the starry sky. Her eyes were brighter than ever.
"Yes, you are." I answered looking at her mindfully.
"It's really hard to explain because I tried to forget most of those events; so now I can barely tell what's true, what's my imagination and what's part of my subconscious. What I know is that whether those memories are real or not, it hurt me." She said with gloomy but firmly voice. It was really curious what she was saying and I had to make an effort to understand her completely. "It's like when you accumulate bad feelings and memories and you try to forget them instead talking to someone, you're destroying yourself little by little without realizing it; until one day you wake up, you look in the mirror and you say to yourself: Why am I this kind of person? And there's no way back."
"And why haven't you talked to someone about what you were feeling?" I asked softly. And my intention wasn't to be a meddler; my intention was to put myself in her shoes.
"Not because I didn't have someone to talk to, actually I used to have friends. But it was because they would think that I was worrying and feeling bad for stupid things. I've always despised what I felt because I always thought that it wasn't important. I mean, people daily suffer for big things, like the loss of someone loved, like rough situations as being raped or kidnapped, like really bad things. And none of that happened to me, my problems were little things. Then, why would those problems be important to people in this rough world we live?" She said thoughtfully, she was really deep in her thoughts and I thought that she maybe forgot she was talking to me. "Thinking like that, you put your feelings away and you try to pretend you're fine because nothing serious happened to you, because it is unfair to feel sad while other people feel sad for serious things. And that's when you make your first mistake; that's the time when you start pretending to be or feel something very different from the real deal. And people don't love you when you're down. They always want to be with someone who is happy, because they don't want more problems than they already have. And because, let's face it, human beings always search for a source of happiness, so then we can avoid our feelings, so then we don't have to deal with the mess of another person. It's easier."
"But wait… Why haven't you tried to talk to them? Who knows, maybe they really cared about you. Why haven't you given it a try?" I asked curious, trying to understand why she never told anyone what she was feeling.
"No, don't misunderstand me. I tried to talk to them. Once I told them the bad situation we were living at home, they pretended to be interested in my situation and how I was feeling at first; I felt good telling them. But then they forgot about it, I knew it because when I wanted to tell them a new bad thing that happened in my family, they didn't know what I was talking about. And they made fun of my problems, they always said that I was overreacting and I was making up things in my mind. They really didn't care too much about how I was feeling; they only talked about themselves, about superficial things like what they would do in the weekend or what they would wear for the next party. Then, why would I bug them with my problems if they didn't care?" She asked frowning and then she started playing with her fingers. "Actually it wasn't that I didn't want to bother them; truth is I'm kind of prideful and they hurt my proud and feelings. I wasn't alone, but I was alone; I don't know if you understand what I mean."
"I do. They were there pretending to be your friends, but actually they weren't being your friends." I said also thoughtful and caressing her arm with my thumb. "You didn't have anyone to share your deepest feelings and that's why you accumulated your feelings which destroyed you little by little as you said." I drew my own conclusion based on what she was saying. I didn't realize I was saying it out loud.
"Exactly like that." She said anguished still playing with her fingers.
"But how did you do it? I mean, no one can hold back their feelings for so long." I asked still not understanding downright.
"Well, I had my very own technique." She answered now nervous for the first time in this talk.
"Which one?" I insisted.
"It's really stupid. I... no, I'm ashamed of it, you're gonna think I'm totally insane." She answered even more nervous and playing edgily with her fingers.
"Hey..." I said looking at her comprehensively while stroking her smooth long hair. "I won't judge you."
"I had this imaginary friend. Well, it's not like I had that imaginary friend that I thought it was real. I pretended to have someone to talk to about my problems, someone who always was willing to listen to me, who really cared about me; someone that didn't exist, and I was aware of it. I just needed to pretend there was someone." She said jittery with choked voice. If I could see her face under the sunlight, I would surely notice she was blushing. "It was my pillow; my pillow was my adviser and my way out of my mess. A damn pillow." She laughed kind of sad.
"I've done it. I declare myself part of the people who released feelings and secrets in a pillow." I laughed softly when I remembered all the times I've done it. She looked at me surprised, raising her eyebrows.
"Have you?" She asked in disbelief.
"Of course." I affirmed. And she was the very first person to whom I confessed this. It was always a secret for me because, like her, I was ashamed to admit it; but with her I felt comfortable admitting this. "Pillows know it all. Our problems, secrets, dreams, concerns, happiness; summing up, everything."
"I can't believe it." She said shaking her head, now feeling more relaxed.
"You see, we aren't so different." I said shrugging and smiling at her. "But, what are some of those problems that destroyed you little by little as you said?"
"A lot. It's really a long story and I'd have to tell you my whole life if you want to understand me." She said sighing as if she was tired.
"You know, I have time." I insisted in a kind way.
"Yeah, I know. But if we keep being here we're gonna freeze. Maybe another time I'd tell you, if you still want to know." She answered smiling softly, looking at me with her bright eyes and with something new in her eyes: hope.
"We can go anywhere else if you want, so then you can tell me now."
"No. This is the only place where I can feel safe." She refused quickly.
"Then I know a way we can warm up to remain in this place." I said half joking and half flirting. Why did I have to flirt with her? Hopefully she didn't notice it.
"What? Do you have a quilt?" She joked kind of amused. Yeah, she didn't notice it; maybe she wasn't used at people flirting with her.
"No..." I grinned mischievously. "I'm surprised that a person who's a crack in all the subjects can't figure out the way."
"What's in your..."She started asking suspiciously, but I didn't let her finish.
I pounced on her and I started tickling her. I was really fast so she couldn't do anything but laughing uncontrollably and trying to pull me away desperately. I started laughing along with her by the way she was making her best effort to pull me away but she was failing constantly. And then she got it. She kicked my leg with which I was holding my own weight and she made me fall on top of her. This time she was faster than me and she took my arms and wrapped her legs around me to prevent me from moving. Now I was her hostage. Crap, this position was really weird and I couldn't avoid those teenage hormones. Dammit, dammit! I needed to move away as fast as I could if I didn't want something inopportune to happen. But then I looked at her face and everything went to hell. She was giggling amused and brightly, as I've never seen her before; she was being truly vivid and I could notice all her splendor. She was actually unduly beautiful; but she wasn't beautiful like the other girls who were sexy and sensual, she had other kind of beauty. She resembled to a Disney princess, like her beauty was her kindness and sympathy. And her eyes, her eyes were killing me. Once again I felt as if her lips were like a magnet to mine. I couldn't help it, I couldn't even think, I was just carrying away by her beauty. I leaned my head and I nuzzled her nose softly with mine. My lips were very close to hers and I could no longer hold this need to kiss her. My hormones were exploding, more than that time when the cheerleader touched me. I was about to kiss her, I was only five inches from her lips and I was blinded.
"Darren?" I heard a voice in the distance.
She quickly pulled me away and sat on the grass while I just remained kneeled, with all my hormones in their highest point, breathing fast not to say I was panting. I couldn't believe I was about to kiss her. What the hell was I thinking? But I couldn't avoid that need, that feeling. Why the hell did I feel that for her? I didn't want to screw my new friendly relationship with her, but it seemed it was all I was doing.
"Oh man, I'm so screwed. Damn my fucking teenage hormones. Remember she's only your friend; you're only trying to be her friend. Fuck Darren. Why can't you do this well?" I scolded myself in my mind.
I still couldn't get why I was so attracted to her in that moment. I never felt this for Jen, Claire or Karen; and I've been in this kind of situations with them before, but I never felt this attraction for them. Now that I wasn't so close to Freckles I realized I was about to make a big mistake. I never thought of her in an intimate way, I was just doing it because of the hormones. I really needed to control it. I was so deep in thought that I didn't see who the person who said my name was; I didn't realize that the person was now standing in front of me and Freckles. It was Jen. Jen? What was she doing here at this time? Anyway, I was thankful she was there because she prevented me from doing something stupid. But when I looked at her face, then I wasn't so thankful. She was looking at me in that way when she was mad at me, when she was about to scold me like a mom. Damn it.
"Darren, what's going on here?" Jen asked strictly.