TEENAGE DREAM
Chapter 9
Dreams coming true
"Darren?" I heard Jen's voice when she was entering my bedroom.
I didn't answer. I was curled up in a ball in bed, hugging my pillow, and giving my back to the door. I had swollen, red, itchy eyes; my nose was red and irritated because of all the times I blew my nose, and my lips were puffy. I spent the entire afternoon crying like never before until Jen arrived at night. And this wasn't me. I noticed how Jen sat on the bed next to me and started stroking my curls very softly. This kind gesture made me feel even worse but better at the same time, so that was the time when I turned around and I buried my face on Jen's lap, wrapping my arms around her hips, starting to cry my heart out again.
"Dar, are you crying? What happened, Dar? Is there something wrong?" Jen asked really concerned because she knew I almost never cried.
"Everything is wrong, Jenny!" I cried on her lap. Somehow I couldn't stop crying and it was a very desperate situation.
"Hey, Dar. Shh, I'm here. Tell me what happened." Jen said reassuringly but still concerned, still stroking my curls and now rubbing my back.
"I can't do this anymore, Jenny. I tried, I swear I tried, but I can't stand this any longer. And I feel terrible!" I cried again, having trouble speaking because my voice was really shaky.
"What can't you do any longer, Dar?" Jen asked softly still trying to calm me, but I couldn't calm.
I was with my best friend and I suddenly let out all of my pent-up feelings, all the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel because I just wanted to be fine. I was falling apart and I was weeping all the tears I held back all these years; I wasn't only weeping because of my mom, Jen, Freckles, not even because of W, the ambush and his or her wickedness. I wasn't only crying because of all that happened in my past; the daily, little and sometimes silly sad things that ever happened to me. No, I was also wailing because I couldn't imagine what would happen next, because all I could imagine was dark and horrifying, because I couldn't see hope. I was crying out because I was feeling how everything was falling apart. And how could I explain this all to Jen?
"All of this! Jen, I know I said we could beat W because we have something that this person doesn't have. But this idea dies away day by day and now I know we won't make it." I sobbed in her lap, trying to calm but failing.
"Dar, we're gonna make it. Don't give up hope." Jen said kindly, caressing my hair, and I felt worse.
"Jenny, I'm so sorry! I already gave up hope! I never wanted to disappoint neither you nor Freckles, I never wanted to blow down. I swear I wanted to give W what that person deserves! I swear I wanted to make you see that we were stronger, that it didn't matter what it'll come to be, we were going to be fine! I swear I thought that all the shit that was going to happen to us wouldn't be as bad as it is now! But I can't take it, Jen. I want to give up and be in peace again as I used to be before we messed between W and Freckles; and I feel super bad about it, because Freckles is a damn hell of amazing person and because I promised to stand by her, by you; but I can't! Jenny, I'm a horrible person!" I cried my eyes out, feeling remorseful and pained and my heart was really aching.
"Don't talk like that, Dar. I don't recognize you when you talk like that, please." Jen said concerned and I finally looked up to see her with tears in my eyes, feeling really hurt.
She had to say those words. She said exactly the same words than my mom said earlier and it hurt deep in my heart. Somehow, it seemed I couldn't do anything well; as if it didn't matter what I could do, I always ended up disappointing the ones I loved the most. If I was feeling bad before, it was nothing compared to how I was feeling now that I heard Jen's words. Maybe I was the problem, not W. Jen was looking at me bewildered and I knew she felt bad because she obviously realized that her words hurt me.
"Dar..." Jen started saying with trembling voice, feeling guilty for something she wasn't completely sure.
"Have I disappointed you too as I disappointed my own mom? Can't you see who I am anymore? Do you also think I'm a stupid boy that the only I do is to screw everything up? Do you also think I'm a hideous boy?" I asked with choked voice, breaking down in tears, still looking into Jen's eyes even if I couldn't see clearly her eyes because of the tears.
"Darren Everett Criss." Jen said firmly and kind of upset. "You're none of that and you've never disappointed anyone because everybody knows what kind of warm-hearted person you are, so I do not want to hear you talk that way again. Clear?"
Jen said it so firmly and conclusively that the only thing I could do was to stare at her with eyes wide open and nod. She really knew the way to shut me up and put my feet on the ground.
"Now I want you to listen to me very intently, okay? And don't you dare to interrupt me, Darren Everett Criss." Jen said firmly and bossy, looking fixedly into my eyes. Whoa! That was the scary Jen.
"Okay." I answered shyly and kinda scared, wiping my tears away.
"First of all: You are not a horrible person. What the heck was in your mind to think that?" Jen asked bossy and incredulous.
"Because I..."
"Do not answer it. It was a rhetorical question. I know your answer is gonna be lame and completely erroneous." Jen said severely and I just stared at her as if she was a kind of a commander. "Listen to me, Darren." Jen said placing her hands on my cheeks to look at me pervasively. "You're flawless and people who know you think that. Do not let that a stupid asshole who only wants to fuck everything up, make you think that stupidity. You must hold on to the people who love you just the way you are. And you? You're pretty awesome. And I'm not lying here, I'm sick of lies so I'll tell you all I think, I don't care if I'm rude or not. Do you get it?"
"Yes." I said lowly, looking into her eyes.
"I can't hear you, Everett." Jen said harshly.
"Yes." I repeated this time louder.
"Good." Jen said roughly. "Because feeling as you were feeling is exactly what that moron wants you to feel. Do you understand that it's like that?"
"Jen... It's not..."
"Do you understand that it's like that, Everett?" Jen asked again severely.
"Yes." I answered looking down because she was right.
"Then, why the fuck would you let that moron make you feel that way?" Jen asked.
"I don't know, Jen. I just..."
"Do not answer me that question. Think about it first. Think, Darren, think!"
"I didn't want it. I was feeling that way because I let myself be beaten by W and his or her goal. I was afraid, Jen. If you only knew what that person has done..." I answered with choked voice looking at my lap and starting to shed tears again.
"Then tell me." Jen demanded bossy.
I started telling Jen all that happened when I went to the hospital, telling her my argument with Freckle's father, the ambush by W, how her father forbidden me to see her again, I told Jen how my mom was disappointed in me and I told her all the text messages W sent me. Mostly, I told her how I felt about all of this. When I finished talking, Jen was looking at me worried, yet she was still looking at me firmly.
"I don't have way out, Jen. Whatever I decide to do is gonna hurt someone. I'm just trapped on this and I can't move. What am I supposed to do if there's nothing I can do?" I cried again feeling deeply despondent. I curled up into Jen and I rested my head on her lap again as she held me in her arms.
"It's hard. Yes, damn, it is." Jen said with shaky voice. "But we knew from the beginning that it would be hard."
"Not like this, Jen! Can't you understand? If I help Freckles, my mom is gonna end up hurt. If I don't help Freckles, they're gonna hurt her. If I decide to stay out of the situation, they're gonna hurt everybody anyway and they're gonna win because we're nothing if we stay apart. If I decide to keep holding on, they're gonna hurt everybody I love until they destroy everything, even if I try to keep everybody safe. I won't be able to make it, Jen. We lost the game from the beginning and we were just so blind to see that. We never had a chance. Look everything that has happened to us and we still don't have a damn clue of who W could be!" I exclaimed feeling frustrated and dismal.
"You're forgetting that you're not alone on this. You're forgetting that you aren't the only one who must be brave and strong, you think that you have to give us the strength to hold on. You shouldn't carry the world upon your shoulders, Darren. You're helping us, and we're gonna help you; because, as you said, we're nothing if we stay apart. We're a team and we're gonna protect each other." Jen said with her usual kindness but also firmly. "We all are weak, Darren. But we have our strength. Look at Freckles, all she had to go through; she received the worst part and she is still standing because she believes in us. Yes, she often breaks down and feels hopeless; because she's a human being and she has feelings, they hurt her and she can't take it all; but she still faces them. Look at me, Darren. They're messing with my family and my brother, Dar; and it hurts like hell and I often feel as though there's no solution; I tried several times to stay out. But I'm still here because I know that we, all together, are gonna make it and we're gonna kick W's ass. You said it once, Dar. And look at yourself." Jen said with teary eyes but convinced. "You faced those bullies several times and you kicked their ass. Do you really think that W isn't worried about this? Do you really think that W's plan is going exactly as this person thought it would be? No, I'm sure W is threatening us with things like those because this person is scared, because we don't give up despite all the shit, because we still face them. And do you wanna know something?"
"What?"
"This is the biggest fear that a bully can have."
"Which one?"
"The fact that we're facing them. Bullies always think that no one can stand up to face them, because they think they're superior. And when a bullied person faces the bully despite the harassment and violence, the bully feels lost. And that's the part when everything goes out of control for them, when they start failing because they're forced to plan certain things that never planned before; therefore they make a lot of mistakes. And when they make those mistakes is when the bullied person wins. The bullied person doesn't know it because is hurt and can't see anything good, but the bullied person wins after all." Jen said smiling faintly.
"You're probably right, Jen. But what happens when the bullied person keeps being bullied with terrible things? What happens when the bullied person can't see a damn way to get out of this and end with this shit?" I asked looking at Jen more calmed but still distressed.
"Well, that's a conformist attitude. You know why? Because there's always a way out for terrible things, but it's really hard; so people prefer not to face this hard thing because it's an exhausting job and it's easier to try to survive and adapt to mediocrity than fighting for ideals." Jen said talking as self-confident as a politician. "We can change this situation. And it's gonna be tough and hard; because all changes that imply a dramatic change from what we are used to see and feel is always difficult, just for the simple fact that it's something that people reject because it's outside the protocol of what is normal and pathetic. Every change we want to do is hard, because it involves having a strong will and because we need to be aware that, on our way to change things, we're going to fall over and over again until you think that you can no longer move forward. But if we continue to the end, we will finally have the strength to do it, and we will. But there is always a solution, it's up to people to fight for it or not. What would you like to do?"
"I'd like to say I'm going to move forward and fight for my ideals. But I know I wouldn't be able to do it; because right there you described a strong person, and I'm not strong. I'm weak and coward." I said sadly looking down, feeling disappointed in myself.
"You're neither weak nor a coward. You're just scared and it's normal considering the way W has threatened you." Jen said reassuringly and kindly, fondling my cheek. "I asked what you would like to do, not what you are going to do now. Forget that your mom is involved, forget that you met Freckles' dad and he told you all of those terrible things; imagine there's only you, me, and Freckles and we're being harassed by W, but not as bad as that person is doing now. Imagine this is a simple bullying. What would you do?"
"I'd kick that person's ass and I'd stick with you and Freckles no matter what, because you're my friends and I wouldn't like to see you suffering." I answered frankly.
"Then, there's your answer." Jen said shrugging.
"No, Jen. There's not the answer. Because want it or not, my mom is involved, Freckles' dad thinks I'm a pervert and he wouldn't allow me to see her, and this is not a damn simple bullying. So there's not a fucking answer. It'd be an answer if I were facing an imaginary situation in which we have a lot of chances; but reality is I'm facing this nasty situation in which I have no chances. That's the real deal." I exclaimed troubled and unsettled.
"You're wrong, Dar." Jen said looking at me fixedly and I looked at her in disbelief. "There's something I learned forcibly. We see things as bad as we want to see them, but we think it's actually that bad because it's something we see in our subconscious. Truth is, nothing is as bad as it seems. Yes, I won't deny that shit happens, but it's up to us the way we take that shit. Chances are whether we let that shit be bigger than it actually is, or we try to see a positive side of it and not give a damn for that shit. Would you like to kick that person's ass? Then do it. Would you like to stick with me and Freckles? Do it. Would you like to move forward and fight for your ideals? Just do it. The only one who's gonna stop you from doing what you want is only yourself; because after all, life is what you make of it. My advice? Let's make it rock."
"Yeah, that's amazing. But really, Jen? Sometimes we're forced to choose things we don't want because there's no option, because if we don't do what they want, they're gonna hurt someone we love. So what do you do now?" I asked looking away.
"Have you ever thought that you can hurt people you love because they realize you're doing something you don't want and you're unhappy for that?" Jen asked looking deeply into my eyes and I was just bewildered. I never thought about it to be honest. "Let me tell you something... People who you love and who love you back are gonna get even more hurt if they see that you're doing something you dislike only because of them than if they get hurt because you stood up for something good in your life. Do you know why? Because people who love you are gonna feel guilty for making you feel unhappy. One way or another, they're gonna end up hurt, we can't avoid it. Thing is, if you feel good with yourself and you love what you do, then you're gonna be strong enough to help them get rid of their suffering, you're gonna be able to heal their wounds. But if not... Then, how would you be able to help them if you can't even help yourself?"
"I...I don't know." I whispered looking down and really thoughtful.
"I do believe that we all have pain in our lives and we always get hurt for different reasons. Always. But I also believe that when we get hurt and we keep going thinking that maybe tomorrow is gonna get better, then we grow stronger. If we had an easy life, then we'd always be weak and that sucks, doesn't it? I do believe that just because today wasn't great, doesn't mean tomorrow won't be fucking fantastic. We have to be patient. I learned that life is about it and if we analyze this objectively, then we realize it's pretty awesome." Jen said shrugging and smiling faintly. "I learned that on the rollercoaster of life, you can kick and scream or just have a fucking great time. What would you choose?"
"To have a fucking great time." I answered now looking into Jen's eyes. Never anyone made me see this point of view as Jen has done.
"Then make it come true. You and only you can make it. You make the decisions and you're the owner of your own life, no one else can decide what to do with your life. Keep it in mind." Jen said smiling at me with her comfortingly smile. "Do whatever you want, you're free. No one can push you to do something you don't want, not even your friends or family. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, because we learn from our mistakes. Write your own life just the way you want and get royalties for that." Jen winked and I finally smiled.
"Can I write you on it?" I asked with choked voice, looking at Jen deeply into her eyes feeling really thrilled.
"I'm afraid I'd have to think about it." Jen joked, giggling softly. "Come here, dummy." Jen said grinning sweetly.
I got closer to her with a wide smile on my face and I snuggled up into her, resting my head on her lap and enfolding my arms around her hips while she held me in her arms, stroking my hair. Jen was that person who could always make me find the way whenever I was lost, only she could do that to me so easily.
"I love you, Jenny." I whispered, closing my swollen eyes, feeling really exhausted but better than hours earlier.
"I love you too, Dar." She said smoothly before giving me a small kiss on the forehead. "Even if sometimes I want to punch your face and you make me look like a grumpy mother, I love you."
Yes, that was my best friend and I wouldn't change her for anything in world.
You opened your eyes very slowly to find out you were in your own bedroom alone. Your head was aching too much and your eyes were heavy as if you had been sleeping for days. You didn't know why you were still in your bed if you had to go to school because it was Friday. You didn't remember what the last thing you did was and why you were wearing those clothes. You grabbed your phone that was on the nightstand; it was weird because you used to leave it under your pillow. It was 10 in the morning and you were super late for school, but then you looked the date and it was Saturday. Saturday? Why if hours earlier was Thursday? You couldn't get it and your head ached even more when you tried to sit on the bed. You were feeling really weak, so you lay in bed over again. You tried to remember what you did on Friday, a missing day in your memory, but you couldn't remember. It was like a blank spot in your memory. Someone suddenly entered your bedroom. It was your dad. What was he doing there? He wasn't used to be home Saturday mornings.
"Hi, little doll. I see you're finally awake. How are you feeling?" Your dad said kindly, walking towards you and sitting on the edge of the bed.
Little doll? Really? He hasn't called you like that in years. And why was he being nice to you? As far as you remembered, your father wasn't that kind since he got his new job as a chief administrative officer of a real estate company; because he was used to worry only about work and he barely spent time with you. And he was smiling fondly, gosh; you couldn't remember the last time he smiled at you.
"My head hurts but I'm fine." You answered weakly.
"It's normal, little doll. After all you had to go through." Your father said softly, brushing his thumb on your cheek. What was that? This person couldn't be your father; but you liked it anyway. "You should rest. Do you want anything to eat or drink?"
"No, I'm fine." You answered still amazed by your father's attitude. "Dad, what do you mean with after all I had to go through? What happened?"
"I mean...the hospital and medication..." Your father answered now frowning and unsure.
"What? Hospital? Medication? What's that?" You asked completely bewildered and your father seemed to be just as bewildered as you were.
"Well, you had a kind of accident." Your father answered still frowning.
"An accident? Are you kidding me?" You asked disturbed. Obviously you couldn't remember it, you had no idea what your father was talking about and that was making you feel both frustrated and afraid.
"No, I'm not. But it wasn't something serious. You just suffered a breakdown surely caused because you worry too much about school. I think you should take more free time to relax and enjoy yourself, little doll." Your father answered quickly, still caressing your cheek and frowning. He was evidently worried about something, but you couldn't tell the reason. "Let me ask you something... What were you doing last night?"
"I... I think was doing homework. Yes, my Spanish homework." You answered trying to remember what you actually did. And yes, that was what you were doing; at least it was what you remembered. "Why do you ask? Wasn't I doing it?"
"No, I mean yes. You were doing your Spanish homework. I was just asking because I saw a Spanish book in the living room and I didn't know if it was yours or your sister's." Your father answered shortly and now he looked away concerned.
"I'm sorry, dad. It's weird because I was doing it here in my bedroom. I'm sorry; it wasn't my intention to leave my Spanish book in the living room." You answered quickly because you knew how mad he could get whenever you or your sister left your books in the living room.
"No, it's okay." You father answered, smiling kindly and fondling your cheek again. That was weird. "Maybe your sister left it there because she was trying to copy the homework."
"But she doesn't attend that class." You said frowning and confused.
"Well, it doesn't matter, little doll. The important thing is that you did your Spanish homework and that you're very smart, studious and responsible. I'm proud of you and I have hope someday in your future you'll succeed in whatever you decide to do." Your father said proudly and you felt very thrilled. This was the nicest thing your father told you in years and you finally knew you were making him feel proud of you as you always wanted.
"Thanks, dad. I'm trying my best." You said shyly and still thrilled. You couldn't believe that your dad, an austere and reputable man, was telling you all of that.
"I know you are, little doll." Your father said before kissing your forehead. Oh wow. That made you feel really happy, because he was never this demonstrative and affectionate person. "Take a rest now, I'll bring you lunch in bed later, just as when you were a little girl. Do you remember it?"
"Of course I remember it. I loved those days." You answered with a happy smile on your face and your father smiled back at you.
"Well, then that's what I'm gonna do. And I'm gonna make sure to bring your favorite food. Lasagna, just as Garfield." Your father laughed jovially as he used to laugh years ago. "Here, I brought your favorite book. I know how much you like reading, so you can take a free time for yourself and stop worrying too much about school." Your father said smiling fondly, handing you the book A Study In Scarlet by Conan Doyle. You couldn't believe he remembered all of those things. "I'll see you later, little doll." He said kissing your forehead again to then leave the bedroom.
You were still amazed about what recently happened. Your father seemed to be that kind and gentle dad he used to be when you were a little girl. It was something weird but something that you utterly liked. Your day started with a headache and in a gloomy way, but then it turned to be a really good day. Your relationship with your dad was being enjoyable again and you couldn't ask for more. You opened the book and you read a fragment of it.
"The reader may set me down as a hopeless busybody, when I confess how much this man stimulated my curiosity, and how often I endeavoured to break through the reticence which he showed on all that concerned himself. Before pronouncing judgment, however, be it remembered, how objectless was my life, and how little there was to engage my attention. My health forbade me from venturing out unless the weather was exceptionally genial, and I had no friends who would call upon me and break the monotony of my daily existence. Under these circumstances, I eagerly hailed the little mystery which hung around my companion, and spent much of my time in endeavouring to unravel it."
Somehow, this reminded you of yourself. Somehow, you felt as if you were that person with no friends and objectless life, your health seemed to be just like that and of course you thought your daily existence was monotonous. And somehow and for unexplained reasons, you felt as if there was a man in your life who was stimulating your curiosity; but you just couldn't tell who this man was. Suddenly, you started reading the book with more interest and curiosity. You felt as if you were John Watson.
"No, this tee makes me look like a fool. I totally look like Waldo, Jen! No way, no way. Imagine if Odlaw catches me. No, really, Jen, you're not helping. When I said I needed help to choose what to wear, I never imagined you wanted to make me look like an idiot!" I said kind of upset, looking at myself in the mirror.
"For god's sake, Darren! You're worse than a girl." Jen said behind me in disbelief but a bit amused. "It's only a date, it's not like you're going to the Milan Fashion Week."
"You know what? The point of a date is to impress the girl, not to freak her out because you look like an oddball." I said frowning looking at the horrid matching outfit Jen has chosen for me to wear.
"Oh my God. You're insufferable, Darren." Jen said laughing out loud and I looked at her upset.
"Why are you laughing? This is a serious thing! She's gonna run away and she's surely gonna scream 'I found you, Waldo!' Jen, help me! I'm in a plight. This is not good, not good at all." I said hysterically, taking off that awful shirt and dropping to the floor all the clothes in my closet.
"Darren, calm your tits! You're being so overdramatic. Since when are you a drama queen? Oh gosh." Jen said giggling but a bit exasperated.
"You're not helping, Jen. It's supposed that my best friend must help me look super swell on my first date, not like a creep." I said annoyed, still looking for something cool to wear.
"Well, you wouldn't wear that amazing black leather coat with those black pants." Jen said shrugging while she sat on my bed, looking at me amused.
"Are you fucking kidding me, Jen? I wouldn't want to look like Neo! Then what? Would I be moving in slow motion trying to dodge bullets? What's your problem with clothes and fictional characters, Jen? Dammit." I exclaimed fretful in disbelief. I heard how Jen laughed out loud again and it annoyed me.
"She could be your Trinity, you know?" Jen joked, of course making fun of me.
"Yeah, cool. You could be The Oracle. What does the future hold for me, Oracle? Oh well, the prophecy says that you'll be kicked if you look like a total prat. What does it mean, Oracle? It means you shouldn't wear those clothes, keep them for Halloween not for a date. Oh cool, thanks Oracle! You're welcome, Darren." I said ironically, having a random conversation with myself.
"Oh, boy." Jen exclaimed, giggling totally amused. "I'm really considering my theory that you're schizophrenic."
"Shut up, shut up!" I yelled throwing a tee to Jen, right in her face. When I looked at it, I walked to her, intrigued. "Hey, I could wear this tee." I said grabbing the tee I threw to Jen.
"Are you kidding? This tee is completely awful!" Jen exclaimed in disbelief.
"It's totally awesome." I said putting the tee on.
"Awful, awful, awful!" Jen yelled giggling.
"You know what is awful? The tickle war I'm gonna start...Now!" I said laughing and bouncing on her while I started tickling her and she started laughing uncontrollably.
Jen and I spent all the morning trying to decide what I could wear for the date I had in the afternoon with Mandy. Jen spent the night at my house because we kept talking until it was dawning. We talked about everything, mostly about what I could do from now on with W and how I could I keep moving despite the threats. I think I never cried more in my whole life, for some reason I was feeling more brittle and sensitive than ever, everything seemed rough and dark; but Jen helped me a lot to feel better. I still had to fix a lot of things, like I needed to talk to my mom, I needed to talk to Freckles and I needed to talk to her father and clear up this situation. But I couldn't do it headlong; first I needed to think well how I would face it; because, after all, the threat was still in-between. Anyway, next morning I was feeling better, even if my eyes were completely puffy and swollen and I looked like shit. And I had a date with Mandy and she was going to see me like this and it sucked. I was completely nervous and eager for this date; after all she was the girl I always wanted since a long time ago. As Jen said, I was insufferable. But hey, it was normal considering that maybe this was going to be my only chance to get her, this day was like the day that would determine if I had a chance to be more than her friend or not. So I really needed to impress her, because she was this stunning, popular and sexy girl and every man on earth would want to be with her; and I was just an awkward and weird guy, I had nothing too impressive and it was kind of crazy she accepted to hang out with me. So, I really shouldn't miss this singular chance.
"Darren, hurry up! You really don't want to be late on your first date!" Jen yelled from the corridor while I was taking a shower.
When I finished taking a shower, I looked in the mirror and I started to freak out. I wasn't ready for this. What would I talk about to her? How would I impress her? Should I go slowly or should I flirt way too much to make it obvious I was interested in her? Did she even like junk food or not? Would we stay in the restaurant all the time or would we go to another place after dinner? Was she even looking for something more or not? Damn, too many questions were popping in my mind and now I was feeling very insecure. I left the bathroom and I entered my room. Jen was lying down in my bed, reading a magazine and when she noticed I was there, standing steady, she looked at me.
"Are you okay? You look like a ghost, Darren." Jen asked curious and concerned.
"I can't do this, Jen." I said in shock.
"What? What's that?" Jen asked alarmed. "Oh no, no, no. I know what's in your mind." She said now standing up and walking to me. "Listen, Darren. You're a beautiful boy, cute and a very funny one to talk to. She's gonna fall for you." Jen winked while patting my back encouragingly.
"No, Jen, no. I'm not on her level. Have you seen her? She's like the perfect woman, Jen! I'm just a goofball. Jen, what if she's doing it out of pity?" I asked self-conscious.
"That's bullshit, Darren. Of course she's not doing it out of pity. She doesn't seem that kind of girl. She could have the man she wants, and she's chosen you, so embrace it. And do not feel as if you were lower than her. You've got a lot of amazing virtues, show her them and she'll fall for you." Jen said smiling kindly.
"No, Jen. I'm gonna screw this, I know myself. She'd think I'm a freak." I said nervous and scared.
"Darren Everett Criss." Jen said with her bossy voice. "Calm down or I'm gonna kick your cute ass. You're gonna rock this. Just be yourself and flirt with her, girls sometimes love when a guy says beautiful words to us. Just flatter her about how wonderful she looks or how smart or funny she is, even if she isn't. Girls love when a guy wants us not only because of our physical appearance but also because of our personality. Do it, and you'll have this shit done, I assure you." Jen said encouragingly.
"Do you think I could make her feel I'm good enough for her?" I asked with all my doubts and insecurities.
"Yes, I do think that. You're gonna make her feel you're the best that can happen to her." Jen answered confident and positive with a big grin. "Do I hand you your jacket?"
"Yes, please." I answered feeling more relieved but still a bit afraid. "Wish me luck, Jenny."
"You really don't need it if you act like yourself." Jen answered with an encouraging smile.
So there I was, at Gary Danko, sitting on a table and waiting for Mandy to arrive. I looked like an idiot, waiting for a person that probably wouldn't arrive. She surely stood me up and I was there like a fool, with all my hopes and illusions. The waitress asked me twice what I'd like to order and I just answered that I was waiting for someone; and the second time she told me that my date possibly wouldn't come. Fuck that waitress, I didn't want to think about that, but I was starting to think she was right. After waiting for Mandy for a little more than an hour, I stood up; decided to go away and feeling really bad and like a stupid for thinking I could have any chance with her.
"You're a jerk, Darren. Of course she wouldn't want to hang out with you. What kind of girl like her would want to do such thing? Stupid, stupid! She was only fooling you, duh." I said to myself very upset and sad.
The cold breeze slapped my face as I headed outside, resigned. It was as though the weather was picturing my mood, the last thing missing was the rain, as in a drama movie. But it didn't happen, fortunately. I was starting heading home when I heard a voice yelling behind me.
"Darren? Darren!" A girl's voice yelled.
I turned around to look at Mandy running to me. She seemed to be agitated and exhausted. She was there, after one hour and half, she arrived. And she looked flawless, like holy shit, how on earth could I have got a date with her? She was wearing a red tight short dress, a black coat and heels. Her hair wasn't back onto a sleek ponytail as when she was in school as a cheerleader; her hair was brushed out in a sexy way. And her lips, her big red lips. She was outstanding. I stood there, looking at the sexy girl walking to me and when she reached me, she seemed to be sorry and ashamed.
"I'm so sorry, Darren! I didn't want to keep you waiting so long. I had a family problem and I couldn't make it on time. I'm really sorry." She said apologetically but I was kind of upset because at this point I didn't know if she was fooling me or not. Maybe she only wanted to make fun of me.
"It's fine. I was going home anyway. Have a good night, Mandy." I said kinda offended and I turned around to leave, but she took me by my arm.
"No, wait. I'm so sorry, what can I do for you to forgive me?" She asked distressed, looking deeply into my eyes.
"Nothing, you're forgiven. It's kinda late, I have to go. See you around." I said coldly because I wouldn't let her make fun of me, no matter how precious she was.
"I didn't mean to stand you up! I just had this family problem and this is a mess and it's been a really bad day. Please, forgive me." She said with choked voice and teary eyes. Then I felt like an asshole for being so rough to her.
"Hey, no, don't feel bad. It's fine, really." I said softening my voice and rubbing her back.
Then something I wasn't expecting came to happen. She pulled me into a tight hug and rested her head on my chest as she started to cry. I was startled and I couldn't believe she was actually hugging me. It felt so freaking awesome to feel the warmth of her body, we were really close and this girl was totally driving me insane. But why was she crying? I just enfolded my arms around her and I stroked her hair softly to reassure her.
"What happened? Is there something wrong with your family? You know, you can count on me on whatever you want. I know you don't know me, but you can lean on me." I whispered kindly still stroking her hair.
"Why are you so nice and cute? No boy is like this around me! Why you?" She sobbed on my chest.
"Well, that's the price of being the prettiest girl in school." I said smiling. "But they're stupid if they aren't nice to you. I think you're a good person besides you're beautiful, maybe they don't see that. That's why I'm nice. And I'm also nice because nobody likes an asshole." I said shrugging and she finally looked up at me with teary eyes but smiling faintly.
"Do you really think I'm the prettiest girl in school and a good person?" Mandy asked looking into my eyes and with a shy and sweet grin. Oh, she was so fetching.
"Yes, I do really think so." I answered with a bright smile, also looking into her eyes and still wrapping my arms around her. I didn't want to let her go, I wanted to stay like this with her, and I was just feeling good.
"You're also pretty and you're very nice." She said with a bright smile and she seemed to be honest that I just melted.
She was thinking I was pretty, like what the hell? Was she really saying that? I was a bit uncomfortable, though. I didn't know what to say, I wasn't used to this, to girls telling me I was pretty and all. So I came up with something really stupid but that could help me to stop being uncomfortable.
"Are you hungry? I really don't wanna go in there, the waitress was kinda surly; but we can go somewhere else." I said quickly, trying to sound sassy and cheery.
"Yes, sure." She answered shrugging and grinning.
"There's something I want to ask you, a doubt I have and it's killing me. I don't dare to ask you this..." I started to say mysteriously. It was time to start being flirty and funny, so that was what I was going to do.
"What?" She asked intrigued but also a bit suspicious.
"I don't know if it's proper to ask you this..."
"Just ask me, what is it?" She asked even more suspiciously. I had her full attention now and it was funny.
"Alright, here I come..." I sighed, pretending to be super nervous for asking this as she was looking at me very intrigued and almost exasperated. "Do you like junk food?" I asked as if it was the most terrible question in world, obviously amused. She seemed to be relieved now and she started laughing. I thought I'd never get tired of hearing her laugh.
"Is that so?" She asked still laughing and I nodded with an amused smile on my face. "Well, I'm not used to eating junk food, but I guess I could make an exception today."
"Oh no, please. We can instead eat a very healthy green salad if you prefer."
"Oh, no! I'd rather to eat a big cheese burger. It's been years since the last time I ate one." She giggled and then she looked fixedly into my eyes. She had big piercing eyes.
"You saved my night!" I exclaimed exaggeratedly and dramatically while she laughed again. "I really didn't know about a good place where we could eat that green salad and shit. But now that you told me you prefer a big cheese burger, I know the perfect place where we can go."
I started walking with a cheerful smile and she followed me, walking next to me until she took my hand. She did it first, she took my hand and I was like dying inside. When she did it, I looked at her stunned and she was smiling at me, so I couldn't help feeling this tingling in my stomach, it was followed by a bright smile directed to her. Everything was going better than I expected and I was feeling very different from when I was waiting for her in the restaurant. So I took her to the best place I knew and we both ordered a big cheese burger. We spent a really great night and I was just amazed. I got to know a lot of things about her: what she liked to do in her free time, what her favorite food and color were, what her favorite TV show and music style were, I found out she really enjoyed music and when I told her I loved playing instruments and sing she was stunned, she told me how it was to be a cheerleader and a lot of things. And I flirted, I flirted as a madman; and the best thing was that she seemed to enjoy it. She wasn't only a damn hell of sexy girl; she was also a really funny, cheerful and kind girl. At first I thought she would be kind of bitchy, material and shallow-minded girl because she was a cheerleader, but she surprised me and I was falling. Oh yeah. After like five hours of talking about random things and enjoying our mutual company, she told me it was kinda late and she was right. But I didn't want to leave her.
"Do you want me to walk you home?" I asked gently, grinning. I tried to sound as a gentleman, but truth was I wanted to be with her at least a little more.
"I'm not going home. But if you want, you can walk me my friend's home." She answered smiling sensually and damn! She was perfect, man.
"Well, I wouldn't let a pretty lady like you walk alone this late. So yes, I'll walk you your friend's home." I said flirting and smiling alluringly.
At first we walked in silence and holding hands, but it wasn't something uncomfortable, at least not for me. I was feeling like super happy and I loved to be able to hold her hand like this.
"So, Mandy...this is your last year in high school, right?" I asked curious even if I knew the answer.
"Yes, that's right. This is yours too, right?"
"Yeah." I answered smiling and looking down while walking. "Have you thought what you're going to study in college?"
"Yes, I'd love to become a fashion designer. I'm working hard to get a scholarship to Otis College of Art and Design. I really want to go to Los Angeles." Mandy answered with a small grin.
"Oh, I'm sure you'll get it. I've never seen such a fashionable girl as you are. It's the perfect career for you." I answered smiling. "And Los Angeles seems totally cool."
"Yes, I'm pretty excited to start college, but I'm also a bit nervous. I mean... What if I don't get it? Or like... What if that isn't what I really want to be? What if I fail? And it scares me a bit to leave San Francisco and move to Los Angeles, away from my family and friends and all. I don't know if I'd manage to do it. It's scary and it seems like a lonely life I'm gonna start since none of my friends are going to Los Angeles, I don't know." Mandy said excited and really frightened.
I just giggled softly; not because I thought it was funny, but because I thought it was pretty sweet and cute. She was letting me see her as a human being and not like this perfect and unrealistic girl, she was like me; she had the same fears I had when it was about college.
"I guess we all have fears. I'm actually freaking out about college. But you'll make it and you're gonna be really good. Just keep being as confident and amazing as you are, and you'll get whatever you want." I winked at her seductively but also encouragingly. "And don't worry about your friends. I'm sure you'll keep in touch with them; maybe not as often as now, but if you're true friends not even distance is gonna keep you away. And meanwhile you'll meet new people there in Los Angeles, a girl like you will have tons of friends, I'm sure."
"Why do you have faith in me? I'm just a simple girl who happened to be popular in high school, but it could be completely different in college." Mandy asked curious.
"Maybe it could be different, maybe not; I don't know." I shrugged smiling. "But some people have born to be surrounded by tons of friends, and you're one of them, for sure. And I bet that most of your friends are gonna be guys."
"Why?"
"Isn't it obvious?" I asked looking at her sensually. "You're really, like really pretty, Mandy. Any boy would want to be with you."
"What about you?" She asked looking at me in a way that was killing me. I was a bit nervous, so I played fool.
"I'd want to study theater and music. I was thinking about University of Michigan." I shrugged.
"Yes, of course you would study something like that. You're good at it. Not for nothing you're the best in drama class." Mandy said smiling.
"I'm not the best." I said shyly and blushing because of her compliment. "Anyway, how do you know about my drama class?" I asked curious.
"Do you really think I was going to accept a date with a complete stranger?" Mandy asked amused. "I did my own research about you and you're pretty amazing."
"Well, Umm...thank you." I said totally awkwardly, blushing. Damn, I was blushing. Damn, damn, damn.
So Mandy, the prettiest girl in school, that outstanding and flawless girl, was complimenting me. That was totally insane. I just couldn't deal with that; she was making me fall so hard. And she was killing me; her sexiness, her sweetness, and her cheerfulness were killing me. And she'd been researching about me; so it meant that maybe she was interested in me. Could it be possible? It was more like a dream.
"You're cute when you blush." Mandy giggled amused, but not in a derisive way.
"I...I'm not blushing. I was just pretending to be a tomato." I joked, obviously making fun of myself. That was a good way to break out of the embarrassing situation. And again, I made her laugh.
"You're so funny. Probably the funniest person I know." Mandy laughed. "Anyway, I was trying to ask you something else."
"What?" I asked playing fool. I knew what she wanted to ask, but I just didn't want to answer that because I knew I wouldn't be able to lie to her and I knew I wouldn't be able to control my desire to kiss her.
"What about you? Would you want to be with me?" She asked very intrigued.
"I thought I was with you. Unless this is my ghost talking to you instead myself and that would be creepy because I didn't even know I was a ghost now. I mean... What happened to me? When did I die?" I joked nervously like an idiot, but she giggled, though.
"Good answer." She admitted still giggling. "You're an awesome ghost then, like Casper, the friendly ghost." Mandy said continuing the joke and I totally loved it. "But what I meant... Would you want to be with me, like more than friends?"
Shit, she had to ask it straight and right away. What could I say to her? The chances were to lie to her and tell her that I only wanted her as a friend and screw all my hopes of having something more with her; or to tell her the truth and risk this new friendly and great relationship we had now. It was a tough decision.
"What if I tell you I'd want to be the Mickey to your Minnie?" I asked looking at her seductively. Yeah, I made the decision to risk everything, but that's what I really wanted.
"You make a good Mickey." Mandy answered surprisingly, also looking at me seductively.
Was I dreaming this? And it happened really fast. Mandy stopped walking to face me and she got closer to pull me into a kiss. I felt the softness of her lips against mine and it was crazy. Her lips tasted like strawberry and pink, man. Of course I deepened the kiss and I let myself carry away for this kiss, which happened to be the most awesome thing that happened to me in these last days. I placed both of my hands on her jaw and she let me explore her mouth with my tongue while she placed her hands on my hips. Oh god, this was great. She was a damn of amazing kisser; this was the best kiss ever. And the kiss lasted several minutes, as if neither of us wanted it to end.
"I never thought Mickey could be a good kisser." Mandy whispered in front of my lips and I just smiled in front of hers, now looking at her almost in a lustful way; because, man, she knew how to turn me on even with a simple kiss.
"Let's do not forget that Mickey is kissing Minnie. And Mickey could use more kisses." I whispered in front of her lips and now it was me the one who kissed her, deeper this time and more passionate.
"As much as I'd love to keep kissing Mickey, Minnie has to get some sleep." Mandy whispered smiling.
"That's fine. Guess they have time to spend later." I said smiling back and then I held her hand again.
We walked in silence, both of us with bright smiles on our faces. What I always dreamed came to happen. And it couldn't be better. I was still waiting to wake up, because honestly I couldn't believe this was actually happening. Not several minutes later, we arrived to Mandy's friend's home. Now we were in front of a huge and elegant house and Mandy stopped in the front door. Before knocking the door, she looked at me.
"It was a lovely night, Darren."
"I think the same. We could have more of this." I said smiling brightly because I was extremely happy.
"I'd love it." Mandy said smiling and she leaned over to peck my lips again.
"Mandy?" A girl's voice said from the front door.
"Oh, Alice. I was just about to knock the door." Mandy answered nervously looking at her friend, another cheerleader.
I noticed how Alice looked at me suspiciously and in disgust and then she looked at Mandy raising an eyebrow as if she were incredulous. Man, I felt totally bad. Why was that girl looking at me that way?
"I thought you had a date." Alice said still suspiciously.
"Yes, that's right. Alice, this is Darren." Mandy said smiling, introducing me. I smiled shyly at Alice but she only looked at me serious. I felt very awkward.
"You gotta be kidding me, Mandy. Why would you have a date with an oddball like this guy? Jim was way better; this guy is just a loser now." Alice said whispering kinda mad and in disbelief. But I heard her and I felt really bad. Anyway, I pretended that I haven't heard her, I just looked down.
"Jim was an asshole. He only wanted to get in my pants. And he's not an oddball; he's pretty awesome and cute." Mandy whispered and I smiled faintly.
"Mandy, you're very blind, really, Mandy. What is wrong with you? He looks like a creep. Have you noticed his shaggy curly hair? That's so uncool. I can't believe this!" Alice whispered and now I really wanted to go away.
"Stop it, Alice." Mandy whispered kinda upset and then she looked at me apologetically. "I'm sorry, Darren. I... I... see you later. Thank you for walking me here."
"It's fine, not problem at all. I guess I'll see you around." I said shyly looking at her embarrassed.
"Yes, I think so. Goodnight." Mandy said with a half-smile.
"Goodnight." I said waving my hand shyly.
Then Mandy and Alice entered the house and I just stood there for a few seconds, feeling completely awkward and humiliated. This certainly wasn't on my plan. I didn't want to go home yet, so I just walked to nowhere in particular, thinking about the amazing night and how bad it ended. My phone buzzed.
From Jen: How was that date?
To Jen: We kissed and it was awesome.
Yes, it really was, but I wasn't feeling really good. I knew there was another reason besides the way that Mandy's friend has talked about me. Yes, there was something else.
Your day was going pretty well. Your mother wasn't at home because she had a conference in Chicago, so she was going to be out the city all the weekend; but your father stayed home all day long talking to you as a lot of years ago, you both talked about a lot of things, mostly about politics and literature. You missed talking to your father and he was apparently surprised by the way you knew a lot about this stuff and the way you could talk as if you were the same age, unlike your sister. So your sister was a big trouble that day because she seemed to be jealous. In a time of day, when you and her where alone in the living room, she got closer to you, looking at you with her typical bitchy look.
"Stop pretending, you stupid nerd girl. Here we all know you aren't sick anymore, so stop pretending. Do you really think that dad would love you from one day to the other? You naive." She said malicious but you decided to ignore her. You knew her pretty well and she wasn't the kindest person in world.
"Whatever, Amanda. I don't want to waste my time with you; so if you excuse me..." You said coldly trying to go away from her, but she took you roughly by the arm.
"Listen to me, you stupid. You're not gonna keep dad away from me, okay? You're not gonna screw all that I got because of your stupid need to be the center of attention. You're not gonna get his money." She said archly.
"I don't want his money; I'm not that kind of person. I think you're the only one who wants all his money; it's what you always wanted, right? You don't care about anything but money. You're so nasty." You said in disgust looking at her, frowning. "Money isn't everything, Amanda. It's time for you to learn it. Oh, right! You don't even know how to open a book because it's not a lipstick!" You said sarcastically and she dug her nails into your arm, hurting you.
"Listen, idiot. Don't mess with me or I'm gonna make you miserable. Get it?" She said menacingly.
"I'm not scared of an artificial girl." You said provocatively and firmly. And she slapped you, she slapped you very hard.
"What is going on here, girls?" Your dad's voice said behind you two and then Amanda let out your arm to look at your dad with a harmless and angelical face.
"Nothing, daddy. She only asked me to help her with her script for her drama class. And I had to slap her, according to the script. I didn't want to do it, but she almost begged me and, how could I refuse if she was asking me help? Right, little sister?" Your sister asked with a fake sweet voice, looking at you.
"Yes, that's right, dad. Don't worry about us." You answered with the same hypocrite sweet voice than your sister.
"I like to see you both getting along and spending time together. Someday, I'll plan a family picnic or something." Your dad said with an excited smile, believing the lie.
"I'd love it, daddy!" Your sister exclaimed with falsehood, hugging your dad as he smiled brightly and kissed her forehead.
"I'm glad you like the idea. What do you think, daughter?" Your dad asked now looking at you and you smiled hypocritically. Ugh, you hated to be like this.
"It's a good idea." You answered.
"Good, I'm gonna plan it, then. Well, girls, I'll let you practice. Have a good time." Your father said grinning and then he left the room. As soon as he left the room, your sister looked at you wickedly again.
"Little liar." She said smirking archly. "Beware your actions, you stupid. And remember I'm dad's favorite. Don't try to ruin it or I'm gonna revenge and you have no idea how much you'll suffer."
"Bring it on, Amanda. And screw you." You said coldly and defiantly.
"What did you say?" She asked now five inches away from your face.
"Screw you." You repeated defiant and firmly.
And your sister lunged at you to slap you very hard. But you didn't stand there steady, no; you slapped her as well and she looked at you with tears of anger in her eyes. Then she started pulling your hair and scratching your arm and you tried to stop her because you really didn't want to hurt her even if you didn't like her. You didn't like violence so you couldn't understand why you were being this cold and rough if you weren't like this as far as you remembered. Then a flashback popped in your mind, you punching a guy on his face. You stepped back, away from your sister, astonished. You didn't remember to have punched a guy; you never punched someone because you were against of physical aggression. Maybe it was just something you've dreamed or something. You looked at your sister who was still looking at you in anger.
"Don't mess with me, you coward and stupid girl!" Your sister yelled in anger but you were still astonished, so you turned around to leave your house as far and fast as possible to clear your mind.
You walked to nowhere in particular and when you finally became aware, you realized you were near the Golden Gate Bridge. You've walked a lot and you were really far from your house and it was kinda late. But you didn't want to go home, so you just sat on a bench near a tree. For some reason, this place seemed familiar to you, maybe when you were a little girl you went there with your parents. You just sat there and stared at the grass, thinking about how different you were now and not understanding why; thinking about the flashback you had and thinking why things seemed so odd now, since you woke up this morning. You were so deep in thought that you didn't realize it was very dark and now there was someone standing in front of you. You looked up to see a guy with curly dark hair and big hazel eyes.
"Freckles? What are you doing here alone this late?" The boy asked intrigued looking at you with a nice smile on his face. You looked at him deeply into his eyes and then you frowned before answering him.
"Sorry. Do I know you?"